To think it's miserable that my husband doesn't ever want my parents to stay at Christmas

[Sebantha]

My husband and I were talking about future Christmases if we have a kid in future.

He said that it would sometimes be nice to have Christmas in our own house. I agreed, saying that if we did, we could invite my (or his) parents for a few days if they don't have plans.

Mine live the other end of the UK, and I would love cooking a Christmas dinner and hosting them and doing Christmassy things like going to a pantomime.

But he said no, he doesn't ever want them to come at Christmas. (He would let them come at other and of year though). My parents are really nice to him and are easygoing. He wants to have Christmas at home as just us.

I said his attitude was miserable. He got angry and tried to make me take it back, but I didn't.

AIBU to think his attitude is miserable?

Sorry for the Christmas theme when it's post-Christmas!

No way. You need these things ironed out beforehand. Otherwise it would be you always knew this would be the case.
Op no way should he get to cancel your family. Oh and I are together decades and no way would either of us cancel the others family unless we were asked to by eachother. That’s not ok. Think very carefully before you go any further.

To all the ‘team DH’ posters, the husband is abusive. See the OP’s other thread.

OP @Sebantha, have you had a thread recently whereby your husband called up your parents behind your back and cancelled them? It sounds really familiar.

Then you have bigger problems than Christmas

And reading your other thread, indeed you do

Why would you even think of having children with this man?

It’s unreasonable of him to NEVER have them at Christmas if that’s what you’d like (assuming as you’ve said that he has no issues with your parents). It would also be unreasonable of you to never grant him his wish of Christmas alone (having had this enforced on us once through illness, it’s actually really nice to have a Christmas just alone together at home, even if you usually enjoy spending it with family). There needs to be plenty of compromise and year on/off turn-taking.

I wouldn't accept that. Who died and made him king of all decisions.

Do not have DC with this dictator!

Does he think he's Stalin?

What else does he not allow you to do?

Huge red flags for domestic abuse here...

I think I’d be visiting my parents at Christmas, with or without any future children and leaving the miserable bastard behind. It’s your house too, do you get to vet who he invites round?

Agree with your husband. See parents around Christmas time but CD and BD were always just us and kids.
If ours want the same, won’t mind at all.

Are you sure you want to have a kid with this person and be linked with them forever if they are that controlling about who comes to your home?
it is nice to stay at home sometimes as I hated having to get my kid to pack up new toys on Xmas day as we needed to go visit family. Enjoyed Covid lockdown Xmas as it was just us for first time.

He’s obviously seen National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

That’s not unreasonable at all for him to want to have the odd Christmas at home with just you and future kids. Hosting Christmas for a start when you have kids is a nightmare, all your time is spent cooking and cleaning and making drinks rather than having time to spend with the kids. I love Christmas at home with just my 4. Although we do have big family Christmas’s too I honestly love the ones at home with no pressure. Christmas film, pj’s and lots of food and chocolate, kids playing with their toys you can’t beat that for me. Can’t believe people think that’s controlling to want a small intimate Christmas, what a strange way to look at it. And if I’m older and my kids don’t invite me for Christmas I will just be happy that they are happy with their families as I understand it’s a lot and some people like Christmas to be as relaxing as possible. And will be happy to not have to get dressed to be honest.

@Sebantha I thought I recognised you. I see you're the poster whose husband is regularly cruel and unkind. But actually, have you posted before under other usernames about a cardigan and him refusing to allow your parents to stay for more than 3 days? I think there was also an issue with finances when you bought your house?

This man is a terrible terrible and very very controlling person. This part of your relationship - newly married, first home, pre kids should be when you are most loved up and happy. The fact that things are already so difficult and you are clearly unhappy is a really bad thing. I am certain your parents are really worried about you.

Please listen to all the advice you have had on this thread and many others. Please.

he has every right to dictate what he wants his Christmas to look like; but he does not have the right to dictate what yours looks like.... so he can say he wants to not have your parents there, but then you can turn round and say stuff that, I want to see my parents so I'm off to them see you after Xmas then, bye.... every other year you say what you'd like to happen. only fair.

Oh, and in the context of this specific question - without a very good, solid and understandable reason, no, it's not okay for him to say this categorically. Marriage and families are a series of compromises. It would be totally reasonable for him to say he didn't want to be tied to doing Christmas with your family every year. But a blanket ban is not okay.

It is very clear that this man is doing his best to isolate you. I should warn you that domestic abuse often ramps up at the time the woman gets pregnant or has a baby so if this is how things are now, it will only get worse when you are pregnant.

Try asking him how he feels about your mum coming for a week to help you with the baby once he goes back to work after paternity leave....

We did it it turn and turn about (every other Christmas) when my parents lived too far away and then became too ill). Seemed fair at that point.

Agree with this. Is he normally a dictator?

So its OK for the OP to want one thing, but if her DH wants something different, then he's controlling?? I don't think either of them are in the wrong, they just have different views, in which case compromise is required.

Spending Christmas with parents alternate years? Does that sound reasonable?

It’s personal preference surely. I wouldn’t like to have my parents or PILs over for Christmas, thankfully DH agrees and we’ve always just had Christmas with DC. We visit them in the days leading up to or after Christmas so we see them at least.

To me the point of having a year off at home every so often or every other year would be exactly that. A year off from being with extended family a year of a more relaxed Christmas at home with those I live with. Not hosting and still being not properly relaxed.

I wouldn’t have anyone stay over Christmas either. I’m team DH.

Have you posted about this arsehole before? Sounds familiar...

Mine used to come for Christmas and stay for a few days. My bloke made them incredibly welcome, to the point whereby we gave them our bed and he never uttered a word of complaint. He said last week how much he missed them being here. Just one of the myriad reasons I love him.

This all make a lot more sense now. I haven’t read those threads but he sounds awful. I’ve even have non-related friends and their parents /spouses host me for Christmas (they invited me) and made me feel so welcome.

It’s very troubling he would not even let your actual parents come occasionally. The fact he is so rigid about it sounds like a control issue.

That actually reminds me of a cousin of mine who lives in the country my parents are from. I was staying with my Aunty (who is also her Aunty) but my cousin invited me for Christmas at hers since she knew I was visiting the country for a month.

I went on the 22nd but by the 24th she mentioned to me some comments her alcoholic abusive husband had made, not about me but about others. I can’t remember the exact words but it kind of showed that he was averse to her having people including me, around over Christmas. So to avoid any awkwardness I quickly gave my presents and money to the 4 kids she had and left to my other relatives.

To make it easier on her, I just made it seem as if we had got the dates confused and that I was always planning to leave on Christmas Eve.

She seemed so quietly relieved, I felt sorry for her. I think I made her Christmas better by leaving thanks to her husband who barely even talks to her. He has a fairly decent job but spends their money on drink. I have to say though the next time she asked me for money, I just had to say I wasn’t in a position to help. I get it that it’s hard but it’ll never stop with her and while I wasn’t going to make things harder for her at home, I’m not funding her husbands drink habit plus I just didn’t have the money tbh.

Be careful of distancing yourself from your loved ones for an abusive man. Because it’s those same people you’ll one day want to call on for help.

Don’t be silly. If we’re doing Christmas at home then it’s just me, DH and two kids. Wouldn’t want to be hosting my in-laws however much I like them.

When we had children we made a rule that we would sleep at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day BUT parents and siblings (both sides) would always be welcome, but not expected. That has led to a huge range of Christmas combinations, including a few with just us and DC.