To expect my ASD daughter to love me?

[CryingCaroline]

I’ve just had a heartbreaking conversation with my ASD daughter ( 12 years old ) where she said that she doesn’t feel she loves me, or anyone.

I feel terrible because I burst into tears and she just looked at me and said “ This is why I don’t tell you the truth and just say I love you back when you say it “

It feels physically painful for me to think my young daughter doesn’t love me and possibly never did - she certainly acted like she did when she was younger but as puberty hit she has become far colder and less emotional.

YANBU to be upset.
But she does love you, she just doesn’t recognise it.

I'm sorry OP, that must be heartbreaking to hear

I would take comfort from the fact she clearly did when younger and so is capable of it. It's more than likely puberty than the fact she is ASD.

They come out the other side eventually!

Well, I don't think it's fair to make your dd responsible for your feelings.

I think it's understandable to be upset, but maybe try to keep the tears and processing for more appropriate spaces.

The thing is, she probably does love you, she's just trying to make sense of how her feelings might not match with what's portrayed in the media. What does her behaviour tell you? Does she want you when she is sick or hurt? Is she more able to be herself around you and mask less?

I think the feeling of emotion can be different for people with ASD. I mean none of us know what other people’s feelings are like, we just assume.

Maybe she thinks her feelings aren’t love because she isn’t experiencing what other people feel?

Maybe her expectation of ‘love’ is different.

I understand it was a nasty shock, but it doesn’t necessarily mean what you think.

Try More concrete questions about whose cooking she likes, or who she wants to talk to when she’s upset? I don’t mean to ask her, just to observe.

It’s tricky with teens as they want to separate from the family, it’s part of growing up, so she may be experiencing that.

Cross post with stompy!

The problem is you are trying to rationalize something she doesn't have the rational capacity to understand. She isn't able to recognise what love is.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I feel terrible I burst into tears as I don’t want her to feel responsible for my feelings at all but it came as a shock as I only asked her if she wanted something for lunch yet.
She told me to get out of her room and that she spent the whole day with me yesterday so to leave her alone and the talk started from there.
It’s hard to not feel emotional when talking to her as I worry about her as she’s got some food issues going on so I probably am annoying her but then went I don’t constantly seek her out she will say it’s obvious I prefer her sister so I can’t really win.
Immediately after I left she messaged me “ What is for lunch then? “
She relies on my heavily in practical ways - to sort friendship / school issues out for her and to spend lots of time doing things she wants as dad works away a lot but I don’t necessarily think she loves me in her head, maybe more that she needs me.

She’s saying that because she doesn’t know what love actually is. A bit OTT of you to burst into tears in front of her!

Does she share things with you, go to you when she’s upset? Does she want you to be involved in her interests? If you went away for a few weeks would she miss you (aside from the cooking/cleaning/practical things you do for her)?

Is this common with ASD?
I hate to sound so ignorant as my adult child has ADHD / ASD combined but she’s never had an issue with showing love or affection so it’s never been an issue before

I know and I shouldn’t have done it but there’s been a lot of pressure on me recently from her in different ways and it just shocked me that after everything maybe she genuinely feels nothing for me anyway.
I know I’m rationalising something that perhaps she can’t as the above poster said and am now trying to act as normally as possible.

She would hate for me to go away ( I never have ) but wouldn’t cry and say please don’t go - she would likely message me and say “ You clearly don’t love me if you are leaving me “

She wants to be loved but very much on her terms and when I mention “ give and take “ in any context to her she thinks this is ridiculous as she’s the child and I’m the parent

It could be alexithymia - she might feel something inside but can’t identify her emotions. It’s a common comorbidity with ASD. DP has both, he feels but it’s not something he can label or express. He gets quite annoyed when I probe him about whether he loves me (not regularly ofc but I do need to have it confirmed occasionally because he is so inexpressive).

I think it’s a bit one sided with children anyway. Not diminishing though, sounds like an extreme case and I can see why you’re upset.

This is very interesting as my husband never says he loves me first, only in reply and when I’ve questioned that at times through our 25 year marriage he usually says something like “ Surely you just know I do “ and I reply “ No I don’t! So can you say it? “ and then he does

Oh dear! Don’t beat yourself up. She’s clearly not an easy child to parent!

Take a breath, organise some support for you.

Perhaps work with her on the fact that you have limited capacity and won’t always be able to be exactly what she needs! Less ‘give and take’, more ‘running on empty’!

That must be hard for you to hear, but she does love you. As others have said, she may not be able to articulate it. My 12 year old DS has ASD and he asks me a lot how i can explain love, and prove to him that I love him, as it such an abstract concept he can't get his head around it.

It is hard but you have to try not to take the comments personally sometimes. He told me the other day that he trusts no one, including me, which is quite hurtful, but he said "you can't prove to me that you are never going to hurt me". And he's right, so in his mind he can't trust me 100%. But I'm still the first person he turns to with his worries, so I know he does trust me, it is just an all or nothing concept in his head.

I'm ND and I feel this way in my relationships and own children. It creates a lot of guilt. But those people in my relationships are my world, and I suppose I love them through my actions. Please support her with this if it continues through puberty so she can learn how to have healthy relationships 😊.

Thank you.
Can I ask how you think I could support her?
She can’t understand at this moment in time why people choose to have relationships or children as she questions what if you changed your mind and then there’s no going back ( with the children aspect! )

Thank you - this sounds like my DD!
Once she said to me when we were talking about people she could trust in school if she needed to speak to someone and she replied “ Nobody, you’re not there so I would just wait until I got home “
I took this as a compliment and thanked her for trusting me to which she replied “ It’s only because I know you’re not a murderer - are you? “ 😳

We can neither expect nor force anyone to live us. Which us why it's better not to ask!
Maybe you can adire her honesty, which is a fantastic quality?

This definitely sounds related to her ND and ability to process and express emotions, and also linked to her age, rather than any reflection on your relationship or her actual care for you.

It’s understandable you had a strong emotional reaction, you are human and made a mistake and have acknowledged that.

It sounds like she may need some more support with regard to navigating emotions and relationships, which is understandable.

Is she under CAMHS? It may be worth asking for resources from them if not?

To paraphrase King Charles "whatever love is"

Maybe neurotypical people are arrogant in assuming we are all one the same page as to what it is?

Btw I don't think your bursting into tears is ott. We would be scolded on here if we said the emotional reaction from a neurodiverse person was ott.

Ah, OP! She's a teen. She could say much worse things. I'm sure I did. She's just telling the truth.

I think I'm NT (but with many autistic children who i recognise myself in, I'm beginning to doubt it), but I can see from here and other places that some people really need their children to demonstratively 'love' them. I'm with your daughter here. I can't understand why people expect any kids to deliver emotional reassurance or rewards. That's not why to have them. They're separate people who you have to look after and ready for adulthood. And that's its own reward.

I also agree with other posters that love is observed not told about.

I don't think she needs 'support' with this. But I definitely would try not to cry in front of children. It's so unnerving and groundshaking for some kids. Don't take it to heart, OP. She could be slamming doors and telling you she hates you.

I had this at 13 (dx autistic) - I really struggled to identify my feelings and questioned a lot what my feelings were towards people, it caused a lot of stress and worry. I think later in life I came to be at peace with my close relationships with people. I think I would leave those conversations tbh. It really all fits with not having a strong sense of identify and self and not knowing who you are - common for autistic people and challenging for all teens.

Autism is a social and communication disability. I keep that forefront in my mind when dealing with DD1. I cannot expect a NT relationship with her.

We adapt. I was internally upset when she would wipe away my kisses as a 3 year old. It's the sensory issue so now I kiss her hair instead. We both found that compromise.