To expect my ASD daughter to love me?

[CryingCaroline]

I’ve just had a heartbreaking conversation with my ASD daughter ( 12 years old ) where she said that she doesn’t feel she loves me, or anyone.

I feel terrible because I burst into tears and she just looked at me and said “ This is why I don’t tell you the truth and just say I love you back when you say it “

It feels physically painful for me to think my young daughter doesn’t love me and possibly never did - she certainly acted like she did when she was younger but as puberty hit she has become far colder and less emotional.

SomeCatFromJapan
No I haven’t ever considered it but that’s because I’m a 70s kid so it wasn’t highlighted back then and also I’m pretty sociable.
I do get very fixated on certain things, mainly to do with the kids to be fair!

She says continually that I don’t love her when I try and encourage her to school.

Tell her that love doesn't come into it. It's your moral responsibility to ensure she has access to education. Being a good parent isn't about giving her want she wants all the time, it's about giving her what she needs to equip her for adult life.

My child who is clearly on the spectrum (unsurprising given that I am autistic) has also said that I don't love him when I make him go to school. I tell him that it's my duty to him to ensure he has educational opportunities (even if he doesn't think he needs them) and that I want him to have a happy, productive, fulfilling adult life.

Still no school as complete refusal
She can’t accept I love her and yet want her to do something she doesn’t want to do - long road ahead I think 😞

@CryingCaroline she doesn't need to accept that. She's probably just saying it to push your buttons in attempt to get her own way.
I know this is hard but you need to the right thing for her, not the thing that wins her temporary approval.

She by her own admission isn’t sure what love is. She has learnt, however, that the way to get what she wants is to say something you’re afraid of hearing - that she feels unloved or she thinks you don’t love her. You know you love her but you aren’t ever going to truly know what that looks or feels like from her point of view so it looks like you’re trying to find as many ways you can of proving that love to her. In the end you’re going to spend your whole life running around trying to win her approval and she is going to keep saying things you find hurtful because she might not fully understand why you react like that but she does know it gets her what she wants.

that all may be out of turn but ultimately she’s a 12 year old as well as having autism - 12 year olds don’t always have pure motives and sometimes it’s about getting what they want.

This is true, she has learnt what hurts me and that’s something that needs to be worked on otherwise she won’t learn how to have a relationship with anyone as an adult even friendship and that worries me greatly.

Ive been really trying to not load too much on her such as asking questions all the time or constantly asking if she’s ok, does she want anything and so on and last night she messaged me to see if I wanted to go to Costa for a hot chocolate together.

I do find it really really hard to say no to anything she requests as I over analyse whether saying no means she will feel unloved etc and because time with her doesn’t always come naturally as in if it’s not a “ planned event “ she spends a lot of time in her room so off we walked to Costa.

She chatted the whole walk there, really pleasant conversation and told me something she was finding hard to cope with in school ( the boys making sexual remarks towards her ) and asked me to raise this in parents evening tomorrow.
I thanked her for sharing it with me so that I could help her and she said “ Of course I would share it, you’re my mum and I tell you everything “

I nearly cried at this but held it together so my emotion doesn’t overload her and then at bedtime I said “ love you “ and went to leave the room quickly so she didn’t feel she needed to reply and before I had a chance she said “ Love you back mum “ and then followed it up by saying “ It feels so awkward “ and turned her light out.

I love her so much and was so touched by her saying this - I don’t want her to feel awkward saying it but I know she loves me in her own way and she trusts me to help her through things which means a lot to me as I didn’t have that childhood.

Im so so grateful to you all for helping me see through her eyes on this thread 😊

&

I havent read the full thread but what is clear is that you struggle with relationships and putting in healthy boundaries, such as seeing your friends, so your aren’t modelling to your daughter the skills you want her to have.

Have you done anything to make her fall out of love with you? such as not managing your own rejection sensitivity dysphoria? Going from talking about a meal to crying at your daughter about your own feelings is unusual.

My mum is undiagnosed ADHD and autistic. I am autistic and have ADHD. My mother didn’t manage the challenges she faced and I ended up with parent who was incapable of regulating her emotions. I felt like I didn’t have a mother and instead had to suffer living with a women who was emotionally needy and went from one adult tantrum to another.

Although she has watched her daughters be diagnosed and their lives transformed my mother refuses to be diagnosed with ADHD and take the medication she needs. I won’t put up with her tantrums, or lack of willingness to manger her emotions, so as an adult I am now no contact with her.

DsTTy

This made for a hard read
Thank you for sharing this perspective and I’m sorry for your experience growing up with what you did

Im not sure entirely with what you mean by “ have you done anything to make her fall out of love with you?”
This doesn’t read like unconditional love that I certainly have for my children and assume most children have for their parents if they are kind, try their best and are emotionally and physically available l to meet their children’s needs?

I admit that I have been too emotional in my response to her saying what she did but when you say talking about a meal and then crying you are missing the whole picture which is actually me living on edge quite a lot of the time due to DDs disposition and me constantly having to manage things for her that she is unable such as friendships, food issues and schooling.

schooling.

The last post on here is concerning me
I have never considered myself to have rejection sensitivity dysphoria but perhaps that is there, definitely with DD on

SandraSlays
WTF?

I’m trying much harder to see things from her perspective now instead of what I feel I would have naturally got from a child.

It has felt a little like I’m mourning a child I never had.

I think that is understandable. People do mourn for the future they expected.

To an extent most of us have some unmet expectations with our children- perhaps a sports mad dad who’s son prefers music, or a musical mum whose dc are tone deaf.

You’ll find it easier when you engage at the place she’s in, and she may well move closer to your position over time. There’s a lot of tension and distress in knowing you are letting someone down. Acceptance makes everything easier.