AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

Depends what she did really. The severity of it. Also is she young adult 17, or young adult 27?

Yes, you are being entirely unreasonable.

How can you say that without knowing what she did?

Has dsd changed? Was she very young when she did whatever she did?
There’s a middle ground where you can build a relationship but not in your home, at least for now. Go with dh when he sees her to a neutral ground, a walk somewhere, a meal out. Do that a few times and judge it from that. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Don’t get too hung up on an apology, just start afresh.
You might also find she doesn’t want anything to do with you though. What does dh say?

I'm thinking of this situation as if it were my daughter.....I would always at least try. There is always the chance things have changed and you have the opportunity to go back to a good relationship. There is also the possibility that she continues the unwanted behavior, in which case you just go back to this and you haven't really lost much.

Yabu

It depends what she did.

Teens are known for saying obnoxious stuff and disrespecting their parents. It’s par for the course.

What makes you think that she’d want to make up with you? She might be happy you blocked her.

Lastly are you sure you are not swallowing BS about a “mental” ex?

You say she's admitted she was wrong, isn't that enough?

She was an adult when this happened, it was only about 6 months ago. No I haven’t seen any evidence of her changing, in fact stuff happened over Christmas which suggested that she’s definitely not changed.

I don’t want to get in to the ins and outs of what happened because 1) I don’t want to identify myself or her. 2) I don’t want to drag up old stuff, I’m just interested to know people’s thoughts on whether you should forgive and forget even if that’s risking being hurt/abused again.

We used to be close, I have always been there for her as a friend as well as a stepmum so it hurt when she did what she did, especially as it wasn’t the first time she’d done something similar.

I love her but she does display narcissistic behaviour, so without an apology I’m reluctant to let her close again.

I agree with the idea of meeting on neutral ground and trying to build things from there, I had just been thinking of her being in my home and that being really awkward.

I do know that she’s tried to contact me at Christmas. DH understands my decision to go NC, he’s still very unhappy with her behaviour too but he just wants an easy life so tends to sweep things under the carpet rather than address things. That’s probably part of the problem, he’s allowed this behaviour for years and it’s escalated, she’s never been held to account or been made to apologise to anybody in her life.

She didn’t learn another way to behave as you say she learnt it from somewhere that’s who she is now

It’s complicated, she admitted to DH she was in the wrong over one thing and promised to apologise to me but never did. Then a few weeks later something worse happened which is when I cut contact, she’s not made any attempt to make an apology since then, that was 6 months ago.

How old is she? Saying she’s a young adult could mean a teenager.

It’s up to you whether you post what actually happened, obviously. But no one can answers those questions without context. Should you forgive anything? Of course not, somethings are beyond the pale in terms of the hurt and damage they cause. Should you try to forgive most things? Probably.
Did your SD cross the unforgivable line? Only you know 🤷‍♀️

I think you might need to be more specific to get the correct advice, as none of us can judge and offer advice on the little info you've given. There's a huge void between being cheeky, self absorbed and rude or physically assaulting one of you eg if she didn’t get her own way. Unfortunately we can't offer help if we don’t know what's gone on. I'd say it's unlikely she'd find your posts unless she knows you post on Mumsnet and your username and checks up on you.

Can't answer without context, it entirely matters.

This is more serious than just being obnoxious though, what she did was illegal, put it that way.

You’re right, maybe she doesn’t want to make up, I know that she tried to contact me recently but couldn’t so messaged through DH but that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to make up.

Definitely not swallowing BS about the mental ex, I’ve been with DH for 16 years so this is first hand experience of her. She’s an absolute nightmare! It’s not that I think the ex is mental though, but I do think she’s full of her own self importance, likes to manipulate people, likes drama and conflict and can never see what she’s done wrong. DSD is turning out to be the same.

In that case you’re better off completely NC

How old us she OP? You seem to be avoiding answering that unless I missed it?

Assume she’s closer to 18 than 25 then?

Was the illegal stuff drugs?

You are perfectly NBU to go NC with her although assume you’d stay out of her Dad’s relationship with her then and not refuse to have her in the house if he wanted her there. You’d just have to go out if you want to be NC with her. He’d still be entitled to have his DC in his house and see her as he wishes.

You are right to not permit her in your home.
You never need to allow anyone in your home whom you do not trust. Chances are that you will never be close again though her father will want to keep contact..
DH should respect that and agree for your home to be your sanctuary.

DH should make it normal to meet DSD at nice pubs and cafes and one day you, too, might feel safe to join them. DH will want to answer phone calls from DSD but you could limit yours. And texting is more easily misunderstood.

Send physical cards and gifts on special occasions if you choose but I would never give her money.
Encourage her to be independent and expect her to behave like an adult. You are right to think that reasonable.

DSD is old enough to recognise her own responsibilities in maintaining important adult relationships.

Nobody can comment on whether you should forgive or ot without context. However I don’t see how you can go NC when your husband still has a relationship.

But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD?

Well actually I tolerate so much more from my adult dd than I would from a friend. I love my friends dearly, but I can't imagine cutting contact with my child. I mean, if she were a serial killer, I would report her but would also go to visit her every day in prison.

Having thought about it some more, I’ve realised that what she did isn’t my problem, we all make mistakes when we’re young, it’s part of growing up. My problem is her attitude towards what’s happened, the way she thinks she can do what she likes and not care about the impact it has on those around her. Before I went NC with her I told her she needed to apologise to her dad (I was more bothered about him than me) and she refused and tried blaming anybody and everybody for what had happened, anything to avoid accepting any blame. This is what I’m struggling with. She must know she’s in the wrong, she knows her dad is still unhappy with her behaviour, she’s upset a lot of people but STILL she blames everyone else and plays the victim. This is why I’m struggling to move forward and let her back in to my life, I’ve lost my trust in her, as an autistic adult I need to be able to trust people around me but I feel like she’d throw me under a bus given half the chance.

Well we’ve managed it for the last 6 months. He calls and texts on a regular basis, she doesn’t live locally but they meet half way for lunch or he sees her when she visits his parents.
It would be more difficult if she was a child but as she’s an adult it’s not much different to any other relationship he has, we’re not tied to the hip after all.

These are wise words, thank you.

I don’t think I would not permit her in my home but I don’t agree with PP suggesting I should leave my house for DSD, DH would never even suggest such a thing, I would never ask him to leave his home for any reason. She’s an adult, she doesn’t have an automatic right to enter her dad’s house, we only moved here just over a year ago so it’s not as though this is the house where she part grew up.

hmmm we did give her money this Christmas, I think you’re right that an actual gift would seem more appropriate.

Yes that’s exactly what I need from her - to behave like an adult. Once I start seeing some evidence of adult behaviour I think I’ll be able to move past this.

If she’s 18 or so and you’ve banned her from her dad’s home then YABU.

You won’t say how old she is.

You won’t say what she did except that it was illegal.

So it could be all she did was smoke some weed.

The fact you say it’s ‘my home’ is telling. Do you own the house alone?

And the way you say ‘you’re on my team or not’ sounds quite controlling, I’d love to hear DSD’s side of the story.

How old is adult? There is a big difference between 18/19/20 than there is 30+. The human brain does not stop developing until 25.