AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

This.

I've lost count of the teenagers I grew up with or local to me that died in road accidents/drugs/suicide. Its such a vulnerable and worrying time for most parents.

I'd be bending over backwards for my kids to stop them becoming a statistic.

It’s almost like she’s the result of being enabled her whole life eh.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I don't understand the pile on either. I don't have stepchildren, albeit my children are still of pre-school age. I also come from a fairly awful family set-up, so am not ignorant to feeling unsafe, bullied and unwanted.
I still can't see how the daughter (who posters have assumed is 18 despite OP saying she isn't specifying ages for privacy reasons), deserves nothing but support. Any underlying issues do need to be addressed, but expecting the OP to offer only heaps of love and support after a crime was committed with her property, no apology was received and the OP and her husband were blamed, is odd. If it were my child, I would make it clear I'd support them through the CJS, however blaming others for a crime you commit doesn't wash, and going to trial is very much the correct consequence and hopefully a big wake-up call. I know they would be scared, but that is a consequence of breaking the law and being caught.

You wrote:

Safe enough to apologise? 😂You cock up, you apologise. My children learnt that from when they were toddlers

Feeling emotionally safe within a relationship is not a prerequisite for taking a car without consent, committing a crime and refusing to accept blame. Quite the opposite I’d say. Your comments don’t even make sense.

Actions have consequences, this 'child' stole a car, and tried to blame her Dad and stepmother.

Interesting to know so many posters, think theft and illegal driving is just an accident, and it's OP and her husbands fault another adult decided to behave in this way.

OP, I think I would want to limit my contact from her as well. I wouldn't be rude, or ignore her when she come to our house, but equally I wouldn't be able to quickly forget the harm this has caused.

Not one person has said that.

@Calabou

Being supportive does not mean pampering. I have already explained this. Good parenting is disciplining with love. Focusing on punishment is counter-productive, so is demanding apologies. What good is an insincere apology? A person reaches the point of being able to apologise when they have the wisdom and confidence to do so, not because someone who clearly dislikes them is demanding one.

This part really leaped out at me:

I have a strong sense of right and wrong. But I wouldn’t say it’s about me being right, it’s about expecting the right behaviour from people.

The problem with this statement is that you are not the Universal Arbiter of Right and Wrong. What if you think you're on the side of Right and other people are Wrong, but actually you're the one that's ethically mistaken?

For example. What your DSD did with the car was obviously Wrong and also illegal and she's going to be punished. But how do you know that going NC is Right? It may be Right for you but is it Right for your DH, who needs (and I'm sure is getting) your full hearted support right now? What if talking to your DSD was actually the Right thing to do for your family?

You say 'it's about expecting the right behaviour from people' but what if other of your family members don't think YOU are exhibiting the right behaviour in this situation? Whose opinion would matter more? Yours? And how would you know that's right?

I guess what I'm saying is that you seem very sure on universal ethics but I'm not 100% sure any human really has that insight?

In my case I’m looking at it from my own experience.

When my brother crashed my dad’s car, we were all shocked but mostly we were just relieved that he didn’t hurt himself or anyone else, including my sibling who was in the car with him.

There was never any suggestion that my brother would no longer be able to live with us.

Right I’m leaving things there because this is getting out of hand now, too many people drawing to false assumptions and conclusions.

I haven’t given DSD’s age to try and protect her identity but that’s constantly being brought up, but no she’s not 18, she’s in her early 20’s. But I don’t see her age as the issue, I think whether she was 10 or 60 she should be able to see that in these circumstances she should be apologising.

As I have repeatedly said, my problem isn’t the crime she’s committed, it’s the way she’s treated myself and DH since the event and the way she is refusing to accept any accountability. Her attitude is pretty vile and I don’t support it.

She has 100% been enabled all her life, she’s her mum and dad’s princess and I don’t think they’ve ever made her apologise or held her to account, ever.
But she isn’t some poor vulnerable young person, she’s had a good upbringing (apart from parents being a bit soft), she’s had loads of love and support throughout her life, a good education, she’s got a good job, nice friends etc.

I will discuss things with DH tonight to discuss how we can try and move forward with things. I don’t want things to carry on the way they are but I also don’t want a lifetime of being blamed for another persons mistakes, step daughter or not, I’m not here for that.

So she’s had a life time of crappy parenting. Reap what you sow I guess. Perhaps they should all start by apologising to her.
You literally said this. What do you mean exactly then?

I don't blame you, OP. I am also not surprised she is older than the posters assuming she was 17/18.
Lots of uncalled for personal attacks on this thread, against yourself and other posters.

She has 100% been enabled all her life, she’s her mum and dad’s princess and I don’t think they’ve ever made her apologise or held her to account, ever.
But she isn’t some poor vulnerable young person, she’s had a good upbringing (apart from parents being a bit soft), she’s had loads of love and support throughout her life, a good education, she’s got a good job, nice friends etc.

How can she be an adult when she has been babied all her life?

You’re angry with her but think it’s your DH you should be angry with.

That's the beautiful thing about options, we've all got one, some formed from experience.

My experience is that of a really naff life, from domestic violence, to child abuse, and many blended families (because all my parents were shit), and yet somehow, some of us grew up without committing serious crimes, and the mistakes we did make, well, we were mature enough to own them.

OP isn't stopping her stepdaughter from living with them or visiting etc, she's removing herself from the situation (whether temporary or long term), because it's been detrimental to her health, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Yes I get what you mean.

We probably do need to speak again now that the dust has settled to see where things are at now.

I think this settles the debate pp’s were having earlier about whether OP posted because she was agonising over her decision, or just looking for validation?

@Frazzled2024 you're leaving it there as you expected everyone to tell you you're right and they didn't and you don't want to listen. Everything you have posted stinks of me, me, me.

You are the reason so many step children end up traumatised for life.

Not what said 😂

So you just wanted validation?

Wow! Talk about a massive drip feed.

Thread was summed up with this comment hours ago. Nothing to see here.

Why the fuck does anyone think a stepmother would come on AIBU for validation? Perhaps if ‘validation’ now means ‘a kicking’ then yes, but otherwise… 😂

She’s an adult, presumably a competent non-psychotic one that can indeed be held responsible for her own actions. ‘Trauma’, that may or may not exist in this case, isn’t license to do whatever the hell you want to do with the expectation that those around you must suck it up. It isn’t and they don’t.