AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

So I’m going to hazard a guess she’s 17/18 stole the car drove without a license and got caught. Luckily for her it’s likely to just be a driving a ban and a fine a neighbours teenager did this and that’s all she got and she wrote off another car crashing into it. Though she’s probably full or bravardo while shitting her self at what could happen.

I don’t honestly see how cutting her off and being banned from the house is honestly going to work long term without it seriously hampering her relationship with her dad and as such possibly yours with him too.

If she has a baby is he never going to be allowed his child and grandchild in his home? Are you going to refuse to say go to her wedding because she was a bloody idiot.

So she’s had a life time of crappy parenting. Reap what you sow I guess. Perhaps they should all start by apologising to her.

OP - you say your autism gives you black and white thinking, but this is a disorder as the world is not black and white. You are an adult, she is a young adult who needs support and empathy.

You seem to say she is always wrong and you are always right. I find it hard to believe that is true.

I always advise my kids to never trust a partner who tries to divide you from your family. I would 100% give this advice to your partner.

This. It’s already moved from “it’s not what she did, it’s her attitude” which in itself is evidence that what she did wasn’t in itself unforgivably bad.

”Black and white” thinking is a symptom of emotional immaturity. These things are never black and white, and your DSD will have her own version of events. You would do well to reflect on those and try to understand things from her perspective. That is what being emotionally mature is about.

She’s a young adult and your husband’s daughter. The threshold of bad behaviour would have to be exceptionally high for you to be reasonable in going NC.

That's a really fast way to shatter a family and send a young adult out into the world unprepared.

Guessing you have zero experience of vulnerable young people.

Excuse me?

I suggest you go back and read the comment I am replying to.

You sound very lacking in emotional intelligence. A forced apology is meaningless. What really matters is how the family pulls together to manage a crisis. And it is a family crisis, these things never happen in isolation. The young woman in question has been very clear that she feels hurt and abandoned by her father and stepmother, they need to be part of the recovery. It's called maturity.

Fascinating interpretation of what has been said by the OP.

Actually what you said. You said, and I quote “has been enabled all her life”. So not parented well. The exact opposite.

The fact is that it shouldn't be a forced apology. It should have been automatic. There is no denying that this girl (not child) was in the wrong, she took a car, committed a crime in it and then lied, saying it was her father or SM who must have done it.

And you still think that she shouldn't have to apologise and that it is ok for posters to pile on to the OP? Perhaps you're lacking in intelligence, never mind emotional intelligence.

No, that's your interpretation. Not what I said at all. Don't lie now. Don't worry, I won't badger you for an apology 😑

I agree with pp about you being self absorbed and self righteous.

Also there’s a lot of “I’m autistic, so…” being bandied about

the story will likely end up in local news soon

Not sure why it would be in the papers, unless she’s seriously hurt someone?

I’m guessing she was driving without insurance and hit someone or something?

My brother did something similar when he was 18, he didn’t hurt anyone and my parents did not make him a pariah for life.

I have literally quoted you. You understand what a quote is right?

Wow talk about jumping to conclusions!
Where have I said any of that?
Where did I say DH left? Where did I say that he moved away or that she lives a very far away?
DH didn’t leave, she left him when DSD was a toddler to be with a woman. DH didn’t move away, he still lives in the same area where DSD was born. I said that DSD doesn’t live locally, that’s all, she lives about 50 mins away because her mum moved back to the area where she grew up and all her family are. That’s all. Nobody has done anything wrong in where anybody lives 🤦🏼‍♀️

@AncoraAmarena are you aware that apologising can be extremely difficult for some people, as it can trigger overwhelming shame? Most of us can apologise, with perhaps a little discomfort if it’s a complicated situation.
People with an insecure sense of self, or adverse childhood experiences, can be overwhelmed by the sense of shame experienced when admitting you’ve done something wrong.
It can send part of the brain into survival mode and is really hard to manage. Unless you feel safe, apologies are incredibly hard.

Shame is a survival mechanism but if it’s triggered inappropriately is hugely damaging.

Yes, I understand what a quote is in MN terms and what a quote is in general terms. You haven't repeated what I have said, you have use my words and interpreted them to fit your agenda. You're flogging a dead horse now, or I am. Leave me alone now please.

You laughed at the idea of needing to feel “safe” in a relationship to be able to express an apology. That does indicate a lack of emotional intelligence on your part I’m afraid. To sincerely apologise is to make yourself vulnerable- it requires you to humble yourself before the other person. It’s something that a lot of children and young adults (and adults in general!) struggle with, particularly in the context of relationships where there is an imbalance of power.

Every other family with a teenager has or will go through scary times. It is normal for teenagers to push boundaries, make poor decisions and be disrespectful at least sometimes. Most of them will make it through their poor decision making without serious consequences but this rate increases when combined with gender (boys), vulnerability (neurodiverse, mental illness, low level of support) and geography.
In many cases of tragedy eg. road accident, drowning, drug overdose, it really is a case of there but for the grace of god go the rest of us. Most of us, if honest, will have done something we shouldn't have during our teenage years.

Fortunately most parents don't turn their backs on their teenagers for behaving exactly as teenagers do.

Thank you for your TED talk. I was already aware, but thank you. And my opinion has not changed.

Saves everyone piling on the OP trying to go at me now. Nasty MN at its best.

Yes I have. You said she’s been enabled her whole life. How is enabling a child good parenting?

She sounds VERY like my dd. In your position I'd leave things as they are until there is without doubt proper signs of change and being able to take responsibility for the things she does and less manipulation.

@Frazzled2024

"I fully accept that these are personality traits I have and this is why I’ve come to MN for a view on whether I’m being unreasonable, because I know my view can be altered by my strong feelings of right and wrong."

Why are you saying you need the advice of MN to decide if you're being unreasonable because of your condition and when everyone says you're being unreasonable you just argue back?

What more do you need to hear for you to understand that you should:

1. Treat a stepchild like they are your own child.
2. Accept that at their age they haven't fully matured and you can't expect them to behave in a way that you might be able to.
3. Understand that this is a crisis for them and you should be providing support and seeing this from their perspective, rather than making yourself the victim.

The only person who thinks you're in the right is @AncoraAmarena and they are clearly not the person to take advice from as can be seen by the multiple users against everything they say.

No I laughed that she felt 'safe' enough to take a car without consent, do something criminal in it, blame it on someone else but shouldn't have to apologise for this. The poor lamb.

I’m not sure your defence is doing OP any favours, you’re coming across as having the same ‘very black and white’ thinking around relationships as OP says she has.