AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

Well most posters are seeking validation then? Especially MIL ones, when the OP wants to go NC, but suddenly, having those boundaries are ok, but not this.

Not at all, there’s been lots of people with varying opinions, some people agreeing with me, some not. Trouble is people make their own conclusions, fill in the gaps and only take notice of the comments which support their own narrative, ignoring the comments which don’t. That’s probably my own fault for not giving all the details up front but I wanted just a general opinion on whether to just forgive and forget for the sake of family, or remain NC for my own good. I didn’t want to go in to the details of what had happened, because it’s not about the crime, it’s about the things she said afterwards and I knew that people wouldn’t get that.

Thanks to some of the input I’ve had I am going to see whether we can resolve matters and be more aware of not being too rigid.

A lot of incorrect assumptions have been made so although it may appear that I’m arguing, all I’ve done is correct peoples incorrect assumptions and attacks.
Where people have made intelligent and insightful comments I have taken them on board and I’m going to be reflecting on how we can improve things and move forward.

Of course not but she's still young (nice drip feed) and by the sounds of it hasn't had the best parenting by any means.

Going nc in the circumstances outlined would be alien to me. Life really isn't so black and white. She made a mistake she didn't kill anyone.

Empathy and support would be the way forward rather than fracturing the family.

She’s your husband’s daughter. If you so anything to endanger that relationship then YABU.

She’s already had her family broken up and while obviously life goes on and DC “get over” the splitting of their parents and the breaking of their family security and unity, they don’t really ever get over it - it changes a child permanently.

You g people often go through a difficult time in their late teens/early 20s as they want to be independent of their family, but they are often still dependent if they’re in education or training.

Youre condemning your DSD - stereotyping her behaviour as “spoilt” like her mother’s. She may have picked up that you don’t like her.

And yes I am rigid, it’s a characteristic of autism, I have a strong sense of right and wrong.

And that is art of the issue here. You are not prepared to rest with shades of grey or loose ends.

Think about it this way - is your requirement that YOUR view of what is right and wrong is clearly acknowledged as the correct view, more important than your DH’s relationship with his daughter? Is tne most important thing in this situation that you are recognised as right??

If you answer “Yes” to that, I think you have a lot of thinking to do about your ethics.

A woman in her early 20s, can steal a car and commit a crime, but that's ok, because she's permanently damaged from her parents splitting up?

Oh and that it was a mistake, and all is OK, because nobody was killed?

’Hasn’t had the best parenting’ - and again, so? You’re looking to justify her behaviour.

Understanding why someone is the way they are isn’t the same thing as justifying or excusing their behaviour. You can understand perfectly well what forces have shaped someone, and want to have nothing to do with them because of their behaviour towards you. Someone having a bad childhood does not mean they can do whatever they like to those around them, and then turn around and demand acceptance and empathy from their victims.

’Family’ means as much or as little as you want it to, and someone being related to you doesn’t mean you have to accept ill treatment by them.

Does the husband lack agency here then?

He’s chosen to respect OP’s position, and has a relationship with his daughter without her involvement. Presumably OP hasn’t got a gun to his head, and if he disagreed with her being NC with his daughter he could express that.

It's an explanation. Often parents reap what they sow. I simply suggested support rather than turning their back.

We will have to agree to differ. The majority of posters appear to think along the same lines as I do.

OP ‘should’ do whatever she deems best for her, whether that is turning her back or not.

I don’t care what majority opinion is, or why that is something I should note 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blimey. Determined to make this about you lol

Crack on.

Lol, I’ve pretty clearly made it about OP. You are in fact the one that bought up that the majority agree with you, as if that should either inform opinion or impress.

You made it about you when you said you didn't care about the majority and asked why that was something of which you should note.

The implication being that your opinion was somehow of more importance. Made me chuckle so thank you.

Well, I don’t base my opinion on how popular it is on mumsnet. If that is thinking ‘my opinion is somehow of more important’ then sure hun, if you like.

I've only read the OP's posts. The way I see it, it's not the crime that is the issue but that she hasn't taken responsibility for her actions. I totally respect that the OP struggles with grey areas and I wonder whether you'd be able to draw a line under her behaviour and the lack of apology to your DH (but I think he needs to see where he sits with that, tbh) and decide where your boundaries to do with respect could be with her in the future? If you could meet her on neutral territory, explain the boundaries and how important they are and then give her another chance? If/when these boundaries are crossed, go NC again until she understands about consequences. I don't know, and apologise if I'm completely wrong, but for her father's sake it might be worth one last try?

That’s probably my own fault for not giving all the details up front but I wanted just a general opinion on whether to just forgive and forget for the sake of family, or remain NC for my own good. I didn’t want to go in to the details of what had happened, because it’s not about the crime, it’s about the things she said afterwards and I knew that people wouldn’t get that.

You forgive and forget for the sake of family. That is the answer 99.99% of the tme when it comes to family, especially your children. Even parents of serial killers still love their child. Family is never black and white.

The DD is young and made a stupid choice. She is facing the consequences of her actions and is probably shitting herself atm. She is also telling you loud and clear that she feels hurt by you and her father, whether you agree with what she is saying or not people don't just say these things without basis. You don't remedy that by cutting her off and banning her from her home.

Hun? I didn't realise anyone said that anymore so possibly an age gap difference of opinion.

Holding an opinion that is out of step with the majority is one thing, implying that opinion is somehow more important than others speaks volumes.

I'll leave you to it as engaging with you is getting a bit embarrassing now and I have no wish to derail further

You don't remedy that by cutting her off and banning her from her home.

Tbf OP explained they moved into their house recently and it has never been the daughter's home.

DSD’s dad’s home should be a home she should feel she can go to. It’s irrelevant that dad only moved there a year ago.

OP, posters have made assumptions because they didn't have the necessary information. You can't have it both ways!

And think about your family in 10 years time. To your DSD, you'll always be the SM who made her unwelcome. Who made it difficult for her DF to be a supportive parent when crisis hit.

To your DH, you will be the DW that made it difficult for him to support his DD when she needed firm guidance. Who made him choose between his DW and his DD. Who needed support after the arrest when his attention should have been focussed on getting his DD on the straight and narrow.

I understand she hurt you. And you are protective of your DH. But your inflexibility is damaging relationships left right and centre.

She is a young adult who had had a difficult time. She made a serious mistake and doesn't have the grace to apologise for how it impacted on you and how her words and accusations were cruel. Rather than cutting her off, wouldn't it be kinder to help your DH to be good role models for better behaviour and accountability?

Except I neither implied nor stated that outright. The whole of my point is that how popular your opinion is compared to mine isn’t something that I care about, given that I don’t base my views on whether or not mumsnet likes them. Your opinion is more popular than mine - alright then, and…? Is your dad tougher than mine too?

And yet still you do engage! Clearly it’s important to you for me to know that 1, you share an opinion with the majority, and that 2, you’re embarrassed to engage with me. Still not sure why either need to be declared or what I’m supposed to do with that information, but I’m very happy to acknowledge both points if it’s going to make you feel better 😊

Yes, I think this is the sensible and humane approach. Most of us would try to take this approach no matter how tricky and hard it is. And it is a difficult situation.

But this is not the approach that the OP wants to adopt. She wants to paint her husband’s DD as completely in the wrong and thus justifying the OP’s quite limited ethical outlook on real human people. It’s very sad.

And as far as I can see neurodivergence has nothing to do with empathy and understanding. I know quite a few autists and they’d never take the OP’s approach.

I agree, it doesn't. They are among the most caring and selfless people I know.

Do you have your own children OP?

I'd always choose my child over any partner, so if this situation was with me I'd rather leave you than be in a place where I couldn't invite my own child. You sound controlling. How does your partner feel about having to choose between you? I don't think you're coming off as being the adult in the situation here, if I'm honest.

If she should know at 10 or 69 then your thinking is skewed and you're unreasonable immediately.

Your her stepmom and have been since she was what 6?

Grow up, you're the adult in this relationship int he sense that the relationship started when you were an adult and she was a vulnerable child. And she's right her parents divorce will have affected her.

Were you the other woman?