AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

Who said I’ve banned her from her Dad’s home? I’ve not said that.

I won’t say how old she is or exactly what happened because I don’t want any identifiable information on the thread.

‘My home’ was in context of what I was saying. Yes it’s mine and DH’s house, but in that sentence I was explaining my feelings, therefore referred to it as ‘my home’. If you were with a friend would you say “do you want to come back to mine and DH’s house for a coffee?” Or “do you want to come to my house for a coffee?”

And no I’m not controlling at all, that’s not what I would ever say to someone, just how I view relationships. I explained I’m autistic so relationships are black or white, maybe didn’t explain it in the best way. But I can’t have relationships with people I don’t trust. If I have a connection and I trust someone then I’m there for them 100%, I can’t do fake relationships, I’m transparent and like transparency in return.

You seem to have a problem reading the full context of what somebody is saying. Or are you just trolling?

@Frazzled2024

You said ‘I had just been thinking of her being in my home and that being really awkward’ so she hasn’t been in your home right? You’ve said nothing about her coming to see her dad so it sounds like she isn’t welcome in your home.

It’s immaterial if you don’t want a relationship with her, she’s young and should be able to come and spend time with her dad.

The fact you see a reasonable alternative view as ‘trolling’ just further reveals your mindset and that it’s your way or the highway.

She hasn’t apologised and still blaming everyone else for her own behaviour so you extending the olive branch won’t change a thing.
I understand your husband wants everyone to be happy and have some peace but do you want it to go back to how it was and then go NC again as that will be bringing more turmoil into your lives.

You are making this 100% about you.

Without context, nobody here knows if the situation is a vulnerable 18 year old who made a silly mistake and needs support and guidance and maybe tough love, or a manipulative criminal 28 year old who you actually need to cut contact with.

If the former, then all of the talk about cutting your step child out of your life for your “mental health” is completely unreasonable. You haven’t presented any evidence of an unacceptable impact on your mental health - you sound cold and unemotional.

Young people often find it very hard to admit that they’ve made a mistake or are in the wrong, and need the help of mature adults to guide them through difficult situations. Especially if, as you say, one of her parents is a negative influence.

You are honestly taking a very immature approach to this as you won’t even consider an alternative solution and are coming here for validation of your choice rather than actual discussion and consideration of the problem.

Being autistic is not an excuse for behaving however you want regardless of the consequences on the rest of the family. You recognise that you take a black and white approach to relationships - thats step one in realising you have a problem. Step two is getting help for this so you can learn to navigate complicated relationships and situations like a mature adult.

OP - in the kindest way possible there just isn't any way to offer advice or opinion on this cos you have given no useful information at all. Sure, if you did then she might be able to identify herself if she read but what difference does that actually make? Something being illegal isn't necessarily indicative of being a terrible person, I'd be surprised if everyone here can say they've never done something against the law.

We don't even know her age or how long she & DH have been in your life. Do you have children of your own?

Unfortunately the fact you're unwilling to share anything contextual yet expect useful input suggests you might be back & white to a degree that's problematic. I can think of very few situations that would make me go NC with family, blood or otherwise. All this makes me think it might be a case of YABU

I think it’s a bit pointless asking a bunch of strangers if you’re being unreasonable about this with zero context. I’m assuming this girl is 18-19yrs old and you’ve been in her life 16yrs, so this isn’t some kid that’s been in your life a short time. I always feel sorry for the father in these situations as they are the one who is missing out and could lose their relationship. Would you stop contact with your own child over this kind of situation?

Do you have children of your own? I wonder if you'd be so willing to go NC if it was one of your own children. I feel sorry for your DH. This is his child you're talking about and you're putting him in the middle.

Maybe DSD needs some love and support instead of being cut out from your life. Many people in their early-20s still haven't fully matured and don't understand risk taking fully. Hopefully she will mellow out in a few years time like most people do. Did you never do anything daft or act a bit selfish when you were younger? And now cringe at how you behaved?

I think she absolutely needs to know that you do have standards and boundaries and that you stick to them. It sounds like nobody else around her does have that. She might not like it but I think she will respect you more for sticking to your guns. I'm sure she will change with age, but for now you are doing the right thing.

YABU, you are an adult she is a young adult. Do you think people automatically have mature adult brains and life experience at 18? Seriously grow up, what you've done is alienated, isolated and abandoned a young adult who needs family support. The fact you won't give any information on this apparently awful thing she has done says a lot about you. Even without this information almost everybody has told you you're in the wrong and all you've done is argue with people.

What you are doing is exactly the kind of behavior that causes trauma, people already feel they are at risk of being abandoned when there are step parents involved. Your behavior will never be forgiven or forgotten, so I suggest you grow up now and act like an adult.

This is why I’m struggling to move forward and let her back in to my life, I’ve lost my trust in her, as an autistic adult I need to be able to trust people around me but I feel like she’d throw me under a bus given half the chance.

Not every relationship in your life is there to benefit YOU. Especially children/step children relationships. This isn’t about YOU. It’s hard to comment given you won’t say what she did or how old she is but she’s always going to be your step daughter while you’re with her father. Your black and white thinking isn’t helping the situation and I’m assuming you don’t have kids of your own as with your own children it’s never black and white.

Really depends on her age. The human brain is still developing as late as the early twenties.
A 21 year old is an adult but still maturing. It takes longer in some people than others. Is she still developing skills and in the process of maturing? There is something to be said for giving her a second chance.
Personally I think you sound very black and white and would it really harm you to give her one last chance- however you haven't said what she has done and how old she is so maybe you aren't being unreasonable!

Ok, so she could be an 18 year old who took your straighteners then gave you lip.

or a 30 year old who threatened you with a knife to your throat.

And everything in between.

how could anyone possibly advise with such little information?

Also, why is this all her mother’s fault? Didn’t DH have any input into raising her?

I am ND and my brain definitely wasn't mature until mid 20s. I was emotional, lost and impulsive, there was a difference by the time I turned 25 and I don't think I'm a bad person at all despite being somewhat of a mess at 21.

We are pissing in the wind with this one

I think the fact that you won't say her age suggests she's probably a very young adult and in that case I think you're being unreasonable and more than likely treating your stepdaughter very differently than you would for example likely treat your own biological child.

Also, you're very clear on your own opinion re people you can trust or not, perhaps she's similar to you? Is there any reason why your and her father's longstanding relationship may be contributing to her difficulty with you?

I could have written that - but about my FIL, who we are NC with. MASSIVE difference in dynamic. So I am erring on the side of YABU as you’re in a parental role.
Life IS too short - to have toxic people in your life. FIL has used that line on me from the ‘life’s too short for a falling out’ angle… I agree with you protecting your peace but also as it’s your daughter and step daughter I do think any NC has to come from her tbh. I couldn’t bring myself to go NC with my kid tbh so I understand your DH still having contact.

Not enough to go on.
I am thinking she is still quite young, in this case it’s an over reaction. No body is perfect and by excluding her from what should be her home it is going to have massive ramifications in the long term. It will make communication even harder as everyone digs their heels in.
No context either so makes it impossible to evaluate the situation

Without knowing what happened it's hard to say but in some aspects your are being unreasonable I think.

While you may see relationshipsvas black and white, they rarely are in reality.

You acknowledge she has been influenced by her mother but that she needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour now. This really depends on her age, also to her changing can really feel like she's criticising her mother and that's hard.

If your husband/you have refused to confront any bad behaviour by his ex-wife this makes it even more difficult for her because it feels like you're expecting more of her than she probably know how to give.

Like it or not most people give more leeway to family members than friends.

Without context, nobody here knows if the situation is a vulnerable 18 year old who made a silly mistake and needs support and guidance and maybe tough love, or a manipulative criminal 28 year old who you actually need to cut contact with.

Quite. I suspect the former due to the lack of information.

All the talk about “disrespectful behaviour” makes me think it’s the former rather than the latter.

OP - you should consider that respect is earned, not a right. It’s not 1850 and you’re not the queen. Too many controlling parents complain about their kids being disrespectful when what they really mean is their kids won’t bend to their will. Your post gives every indication that you are a “my way or the highway” type of person and that usually creates even less respect because the child feels like their thoughts, feelings and opinions are worth nothing and that they don’t matter as individual humans.

It is impossible to advise as you will not say what she has done or her age, both of which are vital to make a measured judgement. I think the 'identifiable' thing is just an excuse.

@Frazzled2024
At first, I felt I was totally behind you. I assumed she was late 20's and had done something so unforgivable that the average human would choose to go NC. But, you keep using the "outing" excuse to not say anything about what she did or her age, as if hundreds would be going, "Ah-hah! I know this person!".

It does make me wonder if you are doing this obfuscation because you know that if you tell the whole story, you'll be the one not looking great? Young people make mistakes, and having a black and white view of relationships isn't the healthiest way to look at life.

As for your DSD visiting your home, she does have a right to visit her father wherever they choose, and it isn't helping their relationship if they can't ever meet at his home, so they can be casual and work on keeping/building their bond.

I feel for your husband. Situations like this can create a lot of strain for the person in the middle.

You've mentioned your autism a few times and how it causes you to view relationships in a 'black and white' fashion as you put it. I'm thinking it must be quite challenging at times for other members of your family to accommodate this. Maybe your DSD has an undiagnosed (or diagnosed which she is choosing not to share with you) neurodiversity, or otherwise mental health issue, emotional issue or current life challenge which partly caused her to act the way she did over Christmas? Perhaps you could consider accommodating this in the way your family seeks to accommodate your neurodiversity?

After all, there are two sides to every story and sometimes we need to move from the ground we occupy and meet family in the middle, even though this can be very difficult and can involve choosing to let go of anger, indignation and other emotions that their behaviour has raised in us. Sometimes we even have to overlook an injustice in order to forgive and accommodate for the good of a family as a whole.

As a starter for ten would you consider maybe just talking to her face to face so you can each tell each other how you both feel?

If under 25 i would be more tempted to try and patch it up for dh. If older then i would have higher expectations of her knowing how to behave and how to apologise.

If seeing her is very draining on your own mental health i would continue as you are. If you don't like her/her attitude etc but can see that is her problem not yours i would have contact for dh. Just at a civil level and still not particularly like her at the minute but hope she may change.