AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

It is not possible for anyone here to say anything that might actually be of use to you OP without any details. Someone might say something that happens to be useful but that’ll be a fluke as we have no facts…

You’re not obliged to have a relationship with anyone that treats you badly. That she’s your stepchild doesn’t change this. She’s an adult responsible for her own actions and the resultant consequences.

If OP was a 'my way or the highway' sort of person she wouldn't even be on this thread asking for people's advice and agonising over her decision.... In fact in my experience, people with such fixed views would rarely question them, let alone ask for other people's thoughts and feedback.

Is she agonising over it? Or seeking validation for her choice.

If you're a stepmum basher, she will of course always be seen as controlling and seeking validation for her choice.

I'm not a mind reader so I can't be 100 per cent sure. @Frazzled2024 perhaps you could answer this one?

By refusing to answer regarding her age posters will automatically assume she's 18.

You know this makes you look unreasonable. She's still a kid at that age and her brain is still developing. She needs love and guidance.

She may be ND too. She needs your support.

YABU.

black and white thinking plus children never goes well

There's no way anyone can give you a proper answer without knowing her age and what she did.

She isn’t owed the support of someone she has treated badly.

There is just not enough information, as has been repeatedly said. You could have said 18/19/20 or 26/27 so easily. The fact that you make this so difficult definitely swung my vote to YABU.

Your poor DH, btw, stuck between you.

You have every right to choose who you have in your life. You are not stopping a relationship with your husband or DSD but as everyone says without details it is difficult to offer meaningful advice. If you genuinely feel there is no coming back from her behaviour and think she will just continue to hurt you then of course follow your instincts. I would say to try to think about further consequences to you and your family from your actions though. Could this impact your wider family relationships detrimentally? I do know that many step parents and regular parents have to be really pushed very far to make a decision like this.

You’ve made a decision, you seem happy enough with it, your DH accepts it and is carrying on his relationship with her in a different but appropriate way. I’d stop worrying and enjoy the peace from her.

There are millions of posters on MN and many an awkward blended dynamic so your fear of being outed is disproportionate. You don’t have to share more than you want to, it’s your post, but that limits the detailed advice you’ll get.

If you want to stay vague then my advice based on that is as above. Make peace with your decision, you made it for a reason. You waste the opportunity to enjoy the results of it by thinking too much about whether it’s right or wrong. If it feels good it’s probably right.

I suspect you’re deliberately omitting information because you know you’ll be told you’re being unreasonable.

And your DH seems to have moved past it so why can’t you?

So you have basically banned her from her Dad’s house. He obviously doesn’t think her ‘transgressions’ are bad enough to go NC but YOU are so offended on his behalf, you’ve gone NC with her.

I understand your rigid thinking as part of ASD ,(you also probably have a very firm view on what’s right and wrong) but I hope your DH puts his DD first as she should be and welcomes her into his home. It’s not acceptable to use your disability against his DD.

You have no right to put conditions on his relationship with his own daughter.

Do you have DC together or any DC from previous relationships?

Please don't label your stepdaughter narcissistic. Firstly, NPD is not diagnosed in young people and secondly, everyone has traits of narcissism. On the upper end, it can be problematic but even so, it is a mental disorder so very unkind to use it as a criticism.

Same as labelling her mother "mental". Crass, ignorant and unkind. If she has mental health problems, say so. If she is rude and difficult, say so.

I find it very odd that you are refusing to disclose your stepdaughter's age, as if you know you are being unreasonable so you're refusing to admit it.

An 18yo is technically an adult but every parent knows that 18yos are in fact adults-in-training, that the teenage brain continues to develop through to around age 25. And a birthdate doesn't magically implant wisdom or experience.

You come across as rigid and judgemental, and more concerned with being "right" than strengthening family relationships.

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself bc it's very sad that you've effectively cut your stepdaughter out of her dad's family. You don't stop being family because you've broken a law, in fact, that's when family support is needed most.

I agree with this.
Step children seem to have some magic aura that means step parents (but step mothers in particular), can never be cross with or dislike them and must fully and unconditionally love and support the SC no matter what.

Without knowing her age it's difficult to say if you're being unreasonable. But starting a thread on AIBU is likely to get you painted as the bad guy. As long as you can continue to facilitate a relationship with her dad then you need to do what's right for you.

My dsd is now an adult and I went no contact after she assaulted me when she was younger. I left the door open in so far as she was welcome to come over and see her dad whenever she liked and I would go out. I never got in the way of them and they still have a close relationship.

Just because she is your husband's daughter doesn't mean that now she is an adult you have to have her in your life. I am now on very good terms with my dsd, she's still a pain in the neck at times but she is who she is and she is very aware of my boundaries now, we go for coffee, chat on the phone we all have dinner with her and her partner. Life is much better now she's older but also I believe because I drew my line in the sand the day she hit me and I was the only person in her life to do so that we were able to find a more respectful and even relationship.

I hope things work out for you sometimes distance and time does really help.

@MagpiePi there is a middle ground though

most people should, and do have more tolerance for children they’ve known for years into adulthood over a stranger in the street

people on MN seem to be very black and white with this, either they’re the same as your own kids or strangers that mean nothing to you.

they’re still your family. Not blood but family so people should have the same boundaries with step children as they would with a sister or aunt imo.

Was the illegal thing something that directly impacted you?

I didn’t want to give details about what happened as the story will likely end up in local news soon so I don’t want anybody being able to match the two stories up.
Also, I still feel that it isn’t so much about what happened, but more about whether I can offer an olive branch despite there being no remorse and no apology.
But since everyone keeps saying they need more context I will give more, I just need to be careful what I say.

DSD committed a crime involving our car, she was arrested and took in for questioning, denied it and told the police it must have been DH or I who did it. CCTV showed it to be her.
She’s been charged and currently awaiting a hearing.
As I have previously said, I can forgive what she actually did, she is young, she made a mistake. Even the part where she tried to blame it on us, I understand, she panicked and trying to blame somebody else was a natural instinct to protect herself.
What I’m not ok with is that 6 months later she still hasn’t apologised for the stress or upset it caused us. She was saying things like it’s not her fault, it’s because her parents split up that she’s turned out like this, she blamed it on us living somewhere rural which meant she couldn’t get an Uber and the best one - we should have hidden our car keys, so it’s our fault.
It’s the things she’s said following the incident that I’m upset about, I find it really disrespectful, she’s had 6 months to reflect on what’s happened and to offer an apology. She just seems to think she can do what she wants and not have to answer to anyone, you’d think being charged would be a wake up moment but her attitude towards people and life in general still stinks.

So that’s where my problem lies - I don’t want a divide in our family but I also don’t want to allow somebody in my life who can have so little respect for me, my DH and our property. She caused me so much upset, I was having panic attacks and had to be signed off work with stress because of what happened and the things she was saying to us, it was at that point I made the decision to go NC for the sake of my mental health.

Also, this tendency to blame us for everything she does wrong is long standing, although nothing as serious as this has happened before the behaviour itself is a pattern.

She's barely more than a kid (presumably as we can't get an answer) and a product of how she was raised. Her brain is still maturing and teenagers make stupid decisions. We've all been there.

For an adult who has been in her life for so many years to just cut her off ....it could be incredibly damaging at vulnerable age. A bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss.

I think the OP is feeling a bit guilty and that's why she has posted looking for validation. That's why she is reluctant to provide context.

Is she a teenager OP?

She isn’t getting away with it though. Shes been charged. And the impact of that will be huge.

Have you supported her at all with dealing with all of that? It sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

Given your update, then yes, I would expect an apology.

I'd be more lenient if she was late teenager, but even then she should know right from wrong.

If she's over 25 etc, then I would insist on an apology before the relationship could be mended.

You sound really selfish, you've made this all about you, saying how you expect an apology and how stressful this is for you. She has made a mistake and may end up with a criminal record and has the legal process happening. And you want all the focus for her to be on how you feel and apologizing to you. What support are you giving her? Since you've cut all contact, clearly none. Wow you are a really nasty piece of work.