AIBU to have NC with DSD?

[Frazzled2024]

Would love some advice on this situation please, with the start of a new year it’s making me reflect on things and wondering if I should offer an olive branch.

I’m autistic so I’m very black and white when it comes to relationships- you’re either on my team, someone I can trust, or you’re not and I’ll keep my distance.

I went NC with young adult DSD several months ago due to her disrespect towards DH and I.

I don’t want to go in to the ins and outs of she said / he said as I don’t feel it’s relevant but she let us down and disrespected us on numerous occasions and despite previously admitting she was in the wrong she still refuses to apologise to anybody she’s hurt.

The disrespectful behaviour has gone on for years but escalated more in the last two years, I could forgive it when she was a child but I’m struggling with it now that she’s an adult.
I don’t like drama or conflict so after the last episode of drama I blocked contact with her to protect my mental health.
DH still has contact with her but still no apology from her.

I have mixed feelings about the situation- part of me feels like well she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out. TBF her behaviour possibly isn’t all her fault, she’s learnt it from her mum as she’s grown up seeing her mum behaving the same way…but how long can someone use that as an excuse for?
I also don’t want to be the cause of DH losing contact with his DD, he still sees her but things aren’t like they used to be.
But another part of me feels that no I wouldn’t tolerate that level of disrespect from a friend so why should I tolerate it from DSD? I just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust, I can’t trust her and that makes me feel unsafe (emotionally) in my own home.
I worry that if we make up the same behaviour will just continue and I’m not willing to live the rest of my life with a toxic person in it.

YABU = you should make up with DSD
YANBU = remain NC for your own sanity

Well this update substantially changes things.

I think it’s bizarre and unhelpful that you’re framing this as “disrespectful”. This young woman clearly has some serious issues and needs serious help. If your communication with her is about how disrespectful or rude or whatever she is being, and not about the obviously serious underlying issues then I can see why this is not working.

Assuming she is young, and that this is the first time she’s been in serious trouble, it sounds like she has been through a crisis point and may need a lot of professional help and support. Being involved in a criminal case is obviously extremely scary even if she did the thing that she is accused of.

I still don’t agree that cutting her out is the best approach. It sounds like she is holding on to a lot of trauma and grief regarding her parents’ divorce, as evidenced by the tendency to blame you for her problems. Family therapy would probably be really useful here.

What an absolute load of bollocks. So you would be ok with your child or step child doing that and not apologising for it would you? Like hell you would. The first part of owning a mistake (and this is one hell of a 'mistake') is apologising for it and not blaming others.

Did you miss the part where the OP says the SD has blamed them for living rurally and not hiding their keys? I mean, WTAF??? And yet the OP is a nasty piece of work? I think you need to read your posts and look in the mirror.

If my child did this my priority wouldn’t be getting apology. No way.

It's not the OPs child though, it's her step child. And who said about it being the priority?

And an apology would be the FIRST thing that came out of my mouth if I had done something like this. Incredible.

Crikey, let it go. She needs love and support to get through what must be a horrendously stressful time.

That is not the same as pampering or "letting her off", it's about guiding her to make better decisions, about helping her move on from a bad patch. She can't change what has happened but you/her dad can help her to move on by being supportive.

You cannot force her to take responsibility for her behaviour. Yes, it's frustrating but again, it's part of growing up. She's obviously scared. She needs support to realise that taking responsibility is not weak, it's healthy and she will still be loved when she makes mistakes. Though it doesn't sound as if she will be 😔

I have absolutely no doubt that she feels very bad about herself. It takes a healthy self esteem to accept responsibility and apologise. Besides, it's a stupid thing to get hung up on, surely you could just focus on getting through this as a family?

You don't know that. You cannot know what it's like to be the stepdaughter in this situation. She obviously doesn't feel safe enough to apologise. And she would be a pretty normal teenager to stumble with the whole passage towards self responsibility.

How old is she?

My approach would be the same to a step child.

And it is a priority. It is a post about cutting her off unless she apologises. Not about supporting her, helping her, etc. it’s all about the apology.

Write a letter, give it some thought, then send it wishing her luck for the court case- what she’s going through is traumatic and she’ll struggle to be her best self at the moment.

I’d say this- your own words-

she’s family, we love her warts and all and life is too short for falling out.

but

just need peace in my life, I need people around me who I can trust,
and need to feel safe (emotionally) in my own home.

then also-

It worries me that you haven’t taken responsibility because I’m afraid you’ll do something like it again.

Your husband left when his daughter when she was very young, assuming she is 18. I have made the assumption as you bizarrely won't give her age thinking she is the only teenager in the whole world with problems.

But anyway, why did her dad move such a long way away from her? The fact she was very young when he left her and moved away is very relevant. I think you are being very unfair and sound very young yourself.

Safe enough to apologise? 😂You cock up, you apologise. My children learnt that from when they were toddlers. Doing something as enormous as this and not apologising is blowing my mind, as are the people supporting that.

So if the boundary with other family members is to go NC then why isn't that an option with an adult SC?
The SC usually has other family but when it comes to a SP questioning any bad behaviour or wanting to put in any boundaries, the SP suddenly becomes the most important person in the SC's life, and anything other than full acceptance and support is seen as something close to child abuse.

@AncoraAmarena the fact you think it's ok to abandon a child in a crisis because they are a step child rather than the child of OP says everything I need to know about you. Disgusting.

@AncoraAmarena are you not aware millions of children are not made to feel safe enough to apologize?

You’re not being unreasonable to wish to protect yourself from all that has happened, but in the longer term I do think a reconciliation should be considered, for the sake of your dh and in recognition of the fact that young people do often make mistakes. That said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect an apology and a recognition of the impact on yourself and your dh before that can happen. Especially given that if she isn’t acknowledging any fault how would she ever be motivated to make any changes? My question would be though have you or your dh sat with her and communicated very clearly the impact on you to see if she offers an apology? If you have but this was at the time of the crime I wonder if you could do this now she’s had the benefit of time to reflect on her actions and may have been very defensive at the time it happened. Perhaps if that is the case then you could meet somewhere public to keep things calm and have that conversation. If then she is still firmly in the “I’m a victim” narrative then I think it’s reasonable to not be open to allowing her more access to you and to explain to her you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t recognise they’ve done something wrong or want to do anything about that.

Haha yes good try. I didn't say anything about 'abandoning a child in crisis' and it appears that the 'child's' father is still very much supporting her. What prompted me to comment on this thread is the vitriol directed at the OP by many posters who seem to think this poor 'child' should be enabled by their step mother, regardless of whether they have said sorry for the pretty huge thing that they have done.

@MagpiePi please show where I’ve stated you can’t or shouldn’t go NC with step children?

of course it’s an option. Just like it’s an option to go NC with your own children.

The issue is that people on MN seem to fall into two very distinct camps, step kids deserve the same boundaries as your own children or the same boundaries as bob the bus driver. Which is simply nonsense.

If the OP would go NC with her niece, nephew or aunt over the same ‘crime’ then go ahead. If not then it’s a bit ott to do the same for her step child.

I don't think it is just about an apology, saying sorry means nothing unless the person apologising is genuinely remorseful and takes full responsibility. Yes she has been charged but still doesn't accept accountability and blames the op and her dad. It's the ability to accept culpability that would change my mind not an apology.

And have you read the thread? Does it seem like this is one of those situations? This 'child' - in case that's too subtle for you, she's not a child - has been enabled all her life, has support and from one of the people affected by this, her father, too. Are you and other posters delibarately writing your own narrative here? I think what the OP has written is pretty easy to read and understand.

@AncoraAmarena thank god you don't have children.

You need to learn to read properly, I have already said that I do.

Please read my comments properly.

I didn’t call her Mum mental, another poster did and I then said “It’s not that I think the ex is mental though, but I do think she’s full of her own self importance, likes to manipulate people, likes drama and conflict and can never see what she’s done wrong. DSD is turning out to be the same”

I also didn’t call DSD a narcissist, I said she’s displaying narcissistic behaviour “I love her but she does display narcissistic behaviour, so without an apology I’m reluctant to let her close again.”

I haven’t stopped contact because she’s broken the law, I stopped contact because of the things she was saying to us after what happened and her general attitude towards me and her Dad.

And yes I am rigid, it’s a characteristic of autism, I have a strong sense of right and wrong. But I wouldn’t say it’s about me being right, it’s about expecting the right behaviour from people.
I fully accept that these are personality traits I have and this is why I’ve come to MN for a view on whether I’m being unreasonable, because I know my view can be altered by my strong feelings of right and wrong.
But since you’re so passionate about other mental health problems being used against people you should also be careful criticising somebody for traits of ND, that could be seen as disability discrimination.

I haven’t cut her out of her Dad’s family, she sees every other member of the family, just not me.

She committed a crime with her father and stepmother's car, lied and tried to blame them, then gave various reasons it was their fault, and some posters think this should only be met with extra support?
It's a lesson to be learned - commit a crime, go through the CJS. Yes it will have an impact, but unfortunately it's something that has to be lived with, and will hopefully be the life lesson that shows her she can't treat people and their property however she likes and have her parents get her out of it every time.
I don't think her mother and father should abandon her, obviously, and can support her through this as they wish, but OP certainly isn't required to do so.

It really does sound like she's going through some kind of serious personal crisis, OP. Your line, "she was saying things like it’s not her fault, it’s because her parents split up that she’s turned out like this" is particularly telling as it implies that she's well aware that she's out of control and is crying out for help.

I'm sorry your family is going through this. It must be especially hard on your DH and I'm sure he values your supporting him as much as possible through all this, even if you don't feel able to engage directly with your DSD right now.

I think you sound very self absorbed and self righteous. This is your partner’s child, not a friend or relative, she should have a very special place in your marriage