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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not stay home all day because its step child's birthday?

161 replies

speckly918 · 01/01/2024 19:07

It's DSD's birthday tomorrow. She'll be 15.

Both DH and ex are working and tbh I had assumed she was back in school this week (apparently doesn't go back until next week but I wasn't aware).

I currently work 3 days a week and spend the other time looking after our young children. Tomorrow I have made plans with another friend of mine to go out with her and her children.

DHs ex is pissed off that DH isn't spending the day with her and that she'll be alone on her birthday (I didn't actually know until tonight that he wasn't back in school until next week as no one had said anything) and DH now wants me to cancel what I'm doing to stay at home so 15yo DSD isn't home alone on her birthday.

I've said no. If either parent wanted her to have company on the day they could have booked it off work. She'll likely end up meeting friends anyway or playing online with them so it seems pointless for me to sit in all day when she'll only be upstairs in her room anyway.

Aibu? DH didn't see a problem with it apparently at first but now his ex isn't happy he thinks I should stay at home until he's back from work. I think surely teens up and down the country sometimes have birthdays when both parents are in work. It's just life isn't it? Meal and cake etc planned for the evening.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 01/01/2024 19:10

YANBU, this is DH's responsibility. He should be the one taking time off work if he doesn't want her to be alone. I feel sorry for her, it's crappy to be left alone on your birthday, but it's for her parents to sort out, not you.

DeepDarkBlue · 01/01/2024 19:10

YANBU - I never stayed home for my own kids birthdays. As long as you make a big fuss in the evening then I think it's ok. A lot of people on Mumsnet are really into birthday though so you might get different replies

DDivaStar · 01/01/2024 19:11

Has anyone asked sd what she wants to do ?

Its not your problem to solve tho, ex or h should be taking the day off.

ElevenSeven · 01/01/2024 19:12

Yanbu, DSD has two parents who haven’t organised to be with her on her birthday. They don’t get to push it on to you just to assuage their own guilt.

Stick to your plans

Cattiwampus · 01/01/2024 19:13

Anyone asked her what she’d like?
If it was that important to DH and Ex, they’d have got their act together.
I’d leave her treats for the day; pizza and nibbles and such, so she knows she’s not been forgotten, and do cake in the evening.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2024 19:15

The only thing I'm surprised at is that if she's at yours this week you didn't have a note of the school dates

But it's your DH problem not yours. Why weren't birthday plans discussed anyway?

TomatoSandwiches · 01/01/2024 19:15

YANBU they can decide between them who takes the day off with her if they feel so strongly about it.
She likely wouldn't want her step mother crowding her anyway even if she likes you.

Chickychoccyegg · 01/01/2024 19:18

Surely someone is going to ask dsd what her plans are/ what would she like to do? If she hasn't plans , I'd probably encourage her to make some arrangements with a friend(s)/maybe get dh to give her some money to go for a coffee/lunch/shopping/nails, whatever it is she likes to do, so she's not sitting at home doing nothing all day, so her day feels a bit special?
Seems sad all the adults in her life haven't given her birthday any thought.
I so agree though there's no point you sitting in all day with her.

Alargeoneplease89 · 01/01/2024 19:18

I think asking and acknowledging what she wants to do makes the most sense?!

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 19:19

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2024 19:15

The only thing I'm surprised at is that if she's at yours this week you didn't have a note of the school dates

But it's your DH problem not yours. Why weren't birthday plans discussed anyway?

Why? Surely it’s her dads job to note school days, not o/p’s?

o/p I’d ask if she wants to come with you. If she says yes you have another set of eyes while you and your friend catch up, if she says no then that’s her choice to stay home.

Gymnopedie · 01/01/2024 19:23

o/p I’d ask if she wants to come with you.

Please don't do that. There are plenty of threads on here complaining that a friend always brings their teen DC to meet ups and that it changes the dynamic hugely. You end up talking about GCSEs, not having an adult catch up. Does your friend even know DSD (other than maybe to say hello to)?

And it's not much fun for DSD either.

TippiHedrin · 01/01/2024 19:23

Definitely ask her what she wants to do! If I was her, and you asked me if I wanted to tag along with you and your friend I’d probably say no I’m fine thanks but I would appreciate being asked! Or are you meeting your friend in, say, a town that she might want a lift to/back from?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2024 19:24

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 19:19

Why? Surely it’s her dads job to note school days, not o/p’s?

o/p I’d ask if she wants to come with you. If she says yes you have another set of eyes while you and your friend catch up, if she says no then that’s her choice to stay home.

Show quote history

Because surely this is the kind of things she should be mentioning -
Don't forget the (step) kids are here next week and they're still off school so will be home with you.
I'd have thought it basic courtesy if he's back at work to mention his kids will be home all week.

Riverstep · 01/01/2024 19:24

I’d just ask her if she wants to come along with you. She probably won’t and will be happy to stay at home. I do think it is up to the actual parents to make sure someone is off on birthdays. I’ve always booked the day off work for my children’s birthdays.

Takacupokindnessyet · 01/01/2024 19:24

I don't think this should be your problem but it sounds pretty miserable for your SD that everyone seems to have forgotten about her until last minute, but she is also 15 so what would she actually want and whose house is she supposed to be at. Most 15 year olds will probably spend most of the day in their rooms regardless of out with their friends

cadburyegg · 01/01/2024 19:26

YANBU

If either parent wanted her to have company on the day they could have booked it off work.

Spot on. Her birthday is the same date every year and term dates are published well in advance

Redshoeblueshoe · 01/01/2024 19:30

At 15 I would expect her to want to go out wher friends

Nonamesleft1 · 01/01/2024 19:30

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2024 19:24

Because surely this is the kind of things she should be mentioning -
Don't forget the (step) kids are here next week and they're still off school so will be home with you.
I'd have thought it basic courtesy if he's back at work to mention his kids will be home all week.

Show quote history

Who should, o/p?

why is she keeping track of stepkids school dates and letting her dh know?

surely it’s the other way round- he should be telling her that step dd is there and not back at school while he as at work, and asking if she’s ok with sorting food/lifts generally making sure she’s ok etc?

why is it o/p’s responsibility to keep the child’s dad informed, and not his?

GrumpyPanda · 01/01/2024 19:31

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2024 19:24

Because surely this is the kind of things she should be mentioning -
Don't forget the (step) kids are here next week and they're still off school so will be home with you.
I'd have thought it basic courtesy if he's back at work to mention his kids will be home all week.

Show quote history

That makes even less sense. Why is it up to OP rather than the actual parents to monitor when DSC are at school? Sounds like wifework on steroids. In any case OP has already stated she wasn't aware DSD is still off.

Muchof · 01/01/2024 19:37

GrumpyPanda · 01/01/2024 19:31

That makes even less sense. Why is it up to OP rather than the actual parents to monitor when DSC are at school? Sounds like wifework on steroids. In any case OP has already stated she wasn't aware DSD is still off.

Show quote history

It isn’t up to the OP to monitor terms dates, but it is a bit surprising that she apparently has no clue when stepchild is staying with them.

Anyway I find it odd, I don’t remember my parents or anybody else’s parents taking the day off work for a teenagers birthday. Surely they will make plans with friends at that age.

Cryingbutstilltrying · 01/01/2024 19:41

At 15 I would have loved a day to myself at home! As long as she knows what is planned for the evening and she has nice gifts to open, let her lie in, see friends and send her happy birthday gif messages through the day, so she knows you’re thinking of her. It’s not your role as step mum to do any of this stuff but seeing as her parents aren’t actually doing anything, it would be a nice gesture I think.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2024 19:43

Yanbu
Get your dh to take her to the local shops to buy snacks and suggest she has mates round. Or give her his credit card to order pizza / other takeaway. Or maybe she’s off out. As others have said, it’s worth asking her what she intends to do.

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 01/01/2024 19:45

A day home alone is most teenager's dream ime..

EvilElsa · 01/01/2024 19:45

Does she not want to have a friend over or go out? Could her dad give her some money for cinema tickets for her and a friend or for lunch or something? I'd have relished a day alone in the house at 15 or I'd have been out and about.

Malarandras · 01/01/2024 19:50

Does nobody in your house ever talk to each other? All of this could have been avoided by people just talking to one another…