to not stay home all day because its step child's birthday?

[speckly918]

It's DSD's birthday tomorrow. She'll be 15.

Both DH and ex are working and tbh I had assumed she was back in school this week (apparently doesn't go back until next week but I wasn't aware).

I currently work 3 days a week and spend the other time looking after our young children. Tomorrow I have made plans with another friend of mine to go out with her and her children.

DHs ex is pissed off that DH isn't spending the day with her and that she'll be alone on her birthday (I didn't actually know until tonight that he wasn't back in school until next week as no one had said anything) and DH now wants me to cancel what I'm doing to stay at home so 15yo DSD isn't home alone on her birthday.

I've said no. If either parent wanted her to have company on the day they could have booked it off work. She'll likely end up meeting friends anyway or playing online with them so it seems pointless for me to sit in all day when she'll only be upstairs in her room anyway.

Aibu? DH didn't see a problem with it apparently at first but now his ex isn't happy he thinks I should stay at home until he's back from work. I think surely teens up and down the country sometimes have birthdays when both parents are in work. It's just life isn't it? Meal and cake etc planned for the evening.

She's 15 with parents who work! I can't believe anyone is concerned about her being 'alone" for the day. Most teenagers would be delighted to get the house to themselves - she can arrange to see friends if she wants company. My son would have thought it pretty odd I took the day off (unless I had pre planned a day out somewhere with him).

She's 15 not 5. Wouldn't she rather go out with pals?
Otherwise 15 is plenty old to be stay at home alone for a few hours

At 15 a day home alone would have been a fantastic birthday present!

It isn’t your responsibility but the lack of care by both her parents and you is saddening. Perhaps you could start by asking her what her plans are and what she would like to do during the day tomorrow?

I do agree that it's her parents responsibility and not yours now, but feel like all the adults have let her down a bit. Imagine knowing all your step siblings are enjoying a day out without you on your birthday and 0/3 adults in your life could be bothered for you. Again, not at all your fault but it's how it'll be interpreted for sure.

Throw it back at dh he is the shit one... It's his dd.

If you have a good relationship I'd do something nice with her, even just Starbucks or lunch. Her parents are both a bit shite.

I think her parents have both been a bit crap and thoughtless so i’d encourage her to have a nice day with friends and give her cash for cinema/shopping/food

Both parents didn't arrange to be off work, but want you to stay in? Bit weird. I'd carry on with your plans but make a fuss of her in the evening with takeaway and birthday cake! I'd ask if she wants a friend over.

It’s not your responsibility but you are passing up an opportunity to do something really nice for a kid (who will probably be in your life forever). She’ll remember that.
I don’t think she should be alone.
If she doesn’t want to spend the day with you then offer to pay for her and a mate to go shopping/ cinema/ lunch
(and invoice her parents for it)

Everything else aside, I'm surprised you thought schools were back on 2nd.

I don't think my 15 year SD would have wanted to stay home with me all day, even though we get on great. She's 15 not 5, what does she want to do?

So what plans have her parents made for her birthday?

Has her dad got her any presents?

Plans for a meal/takeaway when he's back from work?

Nice breakfast to leave for her?

Why has no one asked this young person what she wants? . I think it is unreasonable for a step parent of either sex to not know when the step children are at their home. Schools very very rarely go back as early as the 2nd Jan so I think you are completely unrealistic to have thought that would be the case.

Sounds like you are not at work tomorrow so you could do something to make the day special for her but you clearly don't want to. In the next few years you might want an elder half sibling to help you with childcare but frankly why should she if no one seems to want to put themselves out for her.

It’s incredibly strange and thoughtless that this hasn’t been discussed before now, and that no one has asked what she’d like to do or maybe has plans to do. In the event that neither parent has planned anything, and if she has nothing sorted herself, then to be honest I would cancel or rearrange my plans and spend time with her. Poor kid.

Stupid question. But does dsd want to be babysat on her birthday?

My dsc would far rather be left to hang with their mates or game than hang about with either of their parents!

Meal of her choice, cake and a fuss at dinner is normal at that age surely?

Dh needs to ask her what she wants to do, chuck her some cash to go out with her mates and hit maccys or wagamama or wherever they go these days

Of course you don't have to, but I don't understand why you wouldn't want to. Yes she's your step child, but why would you make her birthday shitty just to prove a point, that it's not your responsibility? She is a part of your family, you married her dad. It really does sometimes make me quite sad when I see the extent that stepmothers go to, to make the point that this child is not my responsibility, it's his, and I'm doing what I want and don't care. D you split up, would you be ok with your kids being treated the same way? If the answer to that is yes, then fair play. She very well may be happy with a quiet day to herself chilling out at yours, but the decent thing would be to ask, and make an offer to do something together, although reading between the lines it doesn't sound like you have made much effort to have that kind of relationship. You only work part time, you can organise the catch up another time, a kid being the pawn to prove a point with your husband and his ex is a bit shit.

Normally on step parent threads I feel they ABU but in this instance absolutely not. They knew their bday was coming and neither has planned for it or even discussed it with you in advance. Stick to your plans, don’t feel guilty and enjoy.

I spent the day with my 15 yo niece a couple of months ago because it was her bday and her parents weren’t there all day.

I personally couldn’t see a child alone on their bday but it should really be mum or dad.

Why does your DH tell her she can invite friends round instead?

If her parents didn't want her to be alone on her birthday, one of them should have booked the day off. It's as simple as that, no ifs no buts.

I completely agree with this.

I would be more inclined to rearrange my plans too, simply because her parents obviously don’t give a shit and she’ll sense that.

I feel really sorry for her.

When I was 15 I wouldn’t have given a shit whether someone was at home with me all day on my birthday. I’d probably have loved a day of doing my own thing.

You’ve got a meal and cake planned for the evening, so that’s fine.

In the nicest possible way I can't imagine she would want to spend her day with a step parent, she would want to spend it with her parent.
They have dropped the ball here so it's on them x

All the local schools here are back tomorrow. It does feel much too early and we haven't got close to getting back to a normal routine and bedtimes etc but nonetheless they are all back.

Because they do every year just in case you didnt know... This year some schools go back late because the Xmas holiday started unusually late, it all depends on the local authority term dates.