to not stay home all day because its step child's birthday?

[speckly918]

It's DSD's birthday tomorrow. She'll be 15.

Both DH and ex are working and tbh I had assumed she was back in school this week (apparently doesn't go back until next week but I wasn't aware).

I currently work 3 days a week and spend the other time looking after our young children. Tomorrow I have made plans with another friend of mine to go out with her and her children.

DHs ex is pissed off that DH isn't spending the day with her and that she'll be alone on her birthday (I didn't actually know until tonight that he wasn't back in school until next week as no one had said anything) and DH now wants me to cancel what I'm doing to stay at home so 15yo DSD isn't home alone on her birthday.

I've said no. If either parent wanted her to have company on the day they could have booked it off work. She'll likely end up meeting friends anyway or playing online with them so it seems pointless for me to sit in all day when she'll only be upstairs in her room anyway.

Aibu? DH didn't see a problem with it apparently at first but now his ex isn't happy he thinks I should stay at home until he's back from work. I think surely teens up and down the country sometimes have birthdays when both parents are in work. It's just life isn't it? Meal and cake etc planned for the evening.

Same as always here Stepmother gets a damn good verbal kicking. It's up to the child's parents, but why waste a good kicking on being truthful. Just go for the jugular of the fucking cunt of a stepmother

Yanbu what 15 yer old wants to spend their birthday with their parents

Why not get DH to offer a trip to the cinema, trip into town, nails , whatever floats her boat could be anything, for her and a friend plus lunch.

Then cake and meal in the evening. Sounds like a lovely day.

But speak to your DSD! Your DH or you. Make a plan!

So essentially you think the 15 year old DSD should be a babysitter for her birthday?
That's not much fun for her. Just ask her what she wants to do and then leave her money to go out with her friends.
It's incredibly sad none of the adults in her life can be bothered to spend the day with her though.

Erm, he’s her dad, he can stay home if he’s bothered. You shouldnt have to change your plans.

I don't think parents not being there is a real problem. It's parents not taking an INTEREST.

Your DH can fix this with a chat and some cash basically. Twas ever thus.

Erm, he’s her dad, he can stay home if he’s bothered. You shouldnt have to change your plans.

Doesn't this just drip with horribleness.

Hilarious.

He stays home and spends time with her if he thinks that's what needs to be done. But you have plans and children of your own to look after, and you are perfectly within your rights to keep those plans and not let your friend down.

YANBU at all

As PP have said, ask her if she wants to come along with you tomorrow or whether she wants a day at home? Maybe suggest she invites a pal around and they can have an girly day?
But absolutely not your job to sit at home awkwardly with her !

Ours went back today after breaking up on 15 December!

Ok, I’ll bite answer.

I started off with the same idea as you; guns blazing, can-do attitude, I’ll do anything for them, yes, I’ll work from home with them while their actual parents work, yes, ill give up days off to have them while you’re out at weddings/stag weekends/ski weekends with the other school Mums. I’ll do all this to foster the relationship, which I really, really, want to work.

Then I woke up and realised I was being used. There is never any thanks; just more expectation.

Gradually, you learn to stand up for yourself, and realise you are the scapegoat being used for their parents to shirk their responsibilities. And also; they don’t want you really - they want their parents.

Ultimately, children are their parents responsibility. That does not change in a blended situation.

I've got a 14yo soon to be 15. I think she'd understand if I had to work so she was home alone and just ask for some money to go out with her friends for the day since they are all off school. She'd expect to see us at some point for cards/gifts/cake etc but wouldn't expect to have someone home all day. My daughter's bday is May half term so she has always been home without a parent in working hours since I went full time from term time a few years back.

This!!

There’s threads like this all the time. Either one of the kids two parents can figure out the issue. They’re both taking the piss trying to palm off their ineptitude on to you, and I’m sure the teenager would not appreciate being treated as an inconvenience to be put on her fathers current wife. Opt out, it’s the parents jobs to parent their kid, and to plan and arrange her birthday.

Your DH could give her £30 to
meet a friend for a lunchtime pizza.

Don't you mean, does DH not talk to his wife and just assumes that she will be available to look after stepkids as well as her own? Or is OP supposed to keep checking each day if DH and his ex are planning to dump their kids on her?

I completely agree that it is not your responsibility to sort out term dates or birthday plans for her and it's awful to be honest that neither her mum or dad have organised anything but how long have you been in her life for? At the end of the day it's not her fault that her parents have made no effort. My DH is step father to my daughter and he would absolutely do something with her on her birthday and wouldn't let her suffer. I'm sure she would really appreciate it if you made an effort, even if your DH and his ex don't. Might just be me.

If there had been a discussion two weeks ago and you had been given a genuine choice that's not unreasonable. But to land it on you the day before with the expectation that you'll just abandon your own plans to facilitate them going to work, no.

I do feel sorry for the girl but that's what these cf parents rely on.

You are not responsible however, you have married a complete s**t father.

He knew he had her on her birthday or he didn't remember and didn't have the foresight or parenting skills to sort something out. The poor girl.

Does he take day off or organise something for his other children?

I would assume by talking, @Malarandras was more wondering how the topic of school term did not come up and also that nobody asked the 15 year old if she had plans for her birthday. Just general family chat.

I agree with PP that you should keep your plans but get some special treats in for the day.

She’s 15 not 5! You can have a birthday breakfast together, open presents with her, and then she can entertain herself during the day (give her a couple of cinema tickets to see a film with a friend? Or money for lunch with a friend?). Then have cake after dinner in the evening. No 15 year old needs constant supervision or company. And as you said, if her mother or father thinks they do they should have taken the day off.

No, it drips with with kid having 2 parents who decided their daughter isn’t important to them but they are now expecting OP to drop everything to be the unpaid babysitter and reduce their feelings of guilt.

the PARENTS should be the ones making plans for the birthday. This is not the OPs problem. AT ALL.

*the PARENTS should be the ones making plans for the birthday. This is not the OPs problem. AT ALL.
*
Course they should! Of course it isn't 'her problem'!

But you know, out of actual human kindness kick her DH up the arse to do something for this child.

Rather than scoring points.

I very much doubt the OP's stepdaughter wants her parents, never mind OP, hanging around her during the day! I can just about remember being 15, my friends were far more important to me than my parents, so surely she'll have planned to see her pals, who will also be off school? Has anybody asked her?

"DH didn't see a problem with it apparently at first but now his ex isn't happy he thinks I should stay at home until he's back from work."
This is where I'd be having words with DH, and the gist of those words would be -'If your ex is that bothered, SHE can arrange her time around her daughter's birthday, but she can't arrange mine.'

Seriously, he needs to think things through here. Is it more important to him to not piss off the woman he lives with, or the woman he doesn't? His daughter is now old enough to have a relationship with her dad without her mother facilitating it. Pissing off his ex cannot be weaponised into restricting his daughter's access to him.