Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not stay home all day because its step child's birthday?

161 replies

speckly918 · 01/01/2024 19:07

It's DSD's birthday tomorrow. She'll be 15.

Both DH and ex are working and tbh I had assumed she was back in school this week (apparently doesn't go back until next week but I wasn't aware).

I currently work 3 days a week and spend the other time looking after our young children. Tomorrow I have made plans with another friend of mine to go out with her and her children.

DHs ex is pissed off that DH isn't spending the day with her and that she'll be alone on her birthday (I didn't actually know until tonight that he wasn't back in school until next week as no one had said anything) and DH now wants me to cancel what I'm doing to stay at home so 15yo DSD isn't home alone on her birthday.

I've said no. If either parent wanted her to have company on the day they could have booked it off work. She'll likely end up meeting friends anyway or playing online with them so it seems pointless for me to sit in all day when she'll only be upstairs in her room anyway.

Aibu? DH didn't see a problem with it apparently at first but now his ex isn't happy he thinks I should stay at home until he's back from work. I think surely teens up and down the country sometimes have birthdays when both parents are in work. It's just life isn't it? Meal and cake etc planned for the evening.

OP posts:
wronginalltherightways · 02/01/2024 12:27

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 11:59

@diddl of course it does mean that.

They chose work over their child. It’s a pretty basic fact.

if my birthday was on a school day my parents would ensure one of them could do pick up that day, if it was on a weekend or an inset day they’d both take it off usually, if not both at least one would.

So your parents were in a more privileged position than many, that's all that means.

Just because many parents aren't in that same position doesn't mean they love their children any less.

FFS

And my teenagers wouldn't even be up by noon if they had nothing going on, even on their birthdays, not that I could just randomly decide not to go in and teach on those days!

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 13:06

@wronginalltherightways hardly a privileged position. Most people get paid for annual leave btw.

Sugarfree23 · 02/01/2024 13:38

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 11:59

@diddl of course it does mean that.

They chose work over their child. It’s a pretty basic fact.

if my birthday was on a school day my parents would ensure one of them could do pick up that day, if it was on a weekend or an inset day they’d both take it off usually, if not both at least one would.

Are you trying to wind people up?
People might get 4 weeks paid annual leave but schools close for 13 weeks.
Therefore most parents don't have enough annual leave to cover the school holidays without taking days off just so they can be at the school gates at 3pm.
What a waste of a day's leave to spend an extra couple of hours with your child.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 13:43

*of course it does mean that.

They chose work over their child. It’s a pretty basic fact.*

Of course it bloody doesn't. There are literally hundreds of jobs where you couldn't get the day off. However MUCH you loved your kids.

This is such an irrelevant argument.

People do there best.

It just doesn't sound like DD father is.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 13:44

@Planeflames

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 13:44

@Planeflames

Sugarfree23 · 02/01/2024 13:48

What would a 15 year old girl want to do on her birthday?

Go to pictures or somewhere?

Who would she rather be with her Dad or her pals?

I don't think either Step mum or Dad are at fault here she's 15, a few presents, cake and a takeaway is probably enough to keep her happy 😊

PurpleOrchid42 · 02/01/2024 13:49

Ask SD if she wants to do something nice with you and her half siblings? If she doesn't, problem solved. If she does, go ahead and do something nice with her, because she's your SD and these acts of kindness go a long way.

Coolhwip · 02/01/2024 13:53

PurpleOrchid42 · 02/01/2024 13:49

Ask SD if she wants to do something nice with you and her half siblings? If she doesn't, problem solved. If she does, go ahead and do something nice with her, because she's your SD and these acts of kindness go a long way.

The people who need to be kinder are the ACTUAL parents to their OWN daughter.

TrashedSofa · 02/01/2024 14:05

speckly918 · 01/01/2024 22:29

Just to be clear, DH knew she wasn't back in school tomorrow, I just didn't know (I don't keep a track of DSDs school terms as I have no need to and have enough of my own dates to try and retain!) I assumed she was going back to school tomorrow as we always did when I was in school.

Dh had no issue with her being alone during the day, we gave already planned a meal etc for the evening, until his ex said it was a problem. I've suggested he give her some money to go out with friends.

Your way sounds better. I would've thought the average 15 year old would much rather have money to go out with their mates than hang around at home with an adult of the family, step-parent or no, and siblings who are presumably a lot younger. At that age I'd have taken the cash and ran!

Wouldyouguess · 02/01/2024 14:32

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 11:59

@diddl of course it does mean that.

They chose work over their child. It’s a pretty basic fact.

if my birthday was on a school day my parents would ensure one of them could do pick up that day, if it was on a weekend or an inset day they’d both take it off usually, if not both at least one would.

My parents never took the whole day off for my birthday, and yet I felt super loved, we always did lots to celebrate in the evening and on the weekends instead- so not, it does not mean that and I actually preferred spending parts of the day with my friends, especially as a teen.

It's super narrow minded to think that if people dont do things they way you do, they do it wrong.

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 14:55

@Sugarfree23 never heard of a half day?

I’m surprised this is alien to people. Not one single fiend ever had any different to me growing up. Parents would ensure at least one was around on the day (no childminders or after school club that day etc.)

sunglassesonthetable · 02/01/2024 14:59

never heard of a half day?

@Planeflames stop being silly. You've clearly never heard of a lot of the types jobs where it's not possible.

Though I expect you've heard of 'teachers '.

Sugarfree23 · 02/01/2024 17:36

@Planeflames WTF is the point of taking a half day off or two half days one for each child?

When really that means your paying another full-days childcare to cover the school holidays?

And more importantly having that 2 hours in an afternoon means your missing out on a full-day you could be having a proper family day out?

I do not know anyone who's parents took time off work for their birthday's it's really not a thing.

Onceuponaheartache · 02/01/2024 18:07

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 11:59

@diddl of course it does mean that.

They chose work over their child. It’s a pretty basic fact.

if my birthday was on a school day my parents would ensure one of them could do pick up that day, if it was on a weekend or an inset day they’d both take it off usually, if not both at least one would.

You sanctimonious vile individual.

You do realise that there are on average 13 weeks of school holidays/inset days plus sickness etc. The average person gets 20 days holiday per annum..even if neither parent ever took time off at the same time as the other there are 4 weeks of non term time childcare uncovered.

That is fact

It has absolutely no bearing on how much someone loves their child.

Sunandsea26 · 02/01/2024 19:52

What!!! She is not your child! Why aren’t they booking the day off to spend with her?!?!

Sunandsea26 · 02/01/2024 20:00

Kwam31 · 01/01/2024 20:04

Everything else aside, I'm surprised you thought schools were back on 2nd.

lol why?! They are all back today in the south east.

Sunandsea26 · 02/01/2024 20:15

Sugarfree23 · 02/01/2024 17:36

@Planeflames WTF is the point of taking a half day off or two half days one for each child?

When really that means your paying another full-days childcare to cover the school holidays?

And more importantly having that 2 hours in an afternoon means your missing out on a full-day you could be having a proper family day out?

I do not know anyone who's parents took time off work for their birthday's it's really not a thing.

It’s probably just different strokes for different folks. My daughter has just started in reception and her bday is in a few weeks. It’s on one of my school day length days but if it was on a long day I’d def have booked it off so I could pick her up and be with her after school. I am gutted she will be at school on her bday after having 4 together. But maybe I will change my mind after many years of it!!

JRM17 · 02/01/2024 21:19

My DS is 6 and understands that Mammy and Daddy have to work so if we can't be home on his birthday then we will celebrate as close to the day as we can. This "child" is 15 FFS.

BusyMum47 · 02/01/2024 23:20

Agree that it's not all on you but it's crap that none of her parents seem to care about her birthday enough to spend the day with her or arrange something for her to do etc.

Sugarfree23 · 03/01/2024 00:18

@BusyMum47 She's 15 not 5, what do you really want her parents to do, take her on a family day out to the local zoo?

Popettypop · 03/01/2024 11:41

This has got to be one of the saddest things I’ve read on here. A child has parents and step parents and not one of them has given any consideration to her birthday. Even worse they are now arguing about who should spend the day with her. It’s truly awful and I feel so sorry for the girl.
i would never work on my child’s birthday, whether they’re 5, 15 25 or 35!!!

Christmastreestillinonepiece · 03/01/2024 12:21

Bonkers how he didn't have a go at the dm of his dc for not keeping the day free...

diddl · 03/01/2024 17:32

So what happened Op?

Was the 15yr old distraught at having neither parent with her??

Wouldyouguess · 03/01/2024 20:41

Sunandsea26 · 02/01/2024 20:15

It’s probably just different strokes for different folks. My daughter has just started in reception and her bday is in a few weeks. It’s on one of my school day length days but if it was on a long day I’d def have booked it off so I could pick her up and be with her after school. I am gutted she will be at school on her bday after having 4 together. But maybe I will change my mind after many years of it!!

Show quote history

Is this also the plan for when she is 28 and wants to spend time with her husband?
It's different when a kid is 4 and when they are 15 and have friends, although I find being overprotective of a few extra hours (which the child will not even remember being 4 yo anyways) is a bit strange.