To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

Yes this. The criticism that the OP is being unfair and she needs to let him go etc.... He is preventing her from leaving by guilt tripping her with the threat of suicide.

Once you dont want them touching you it's game over. Any suicide threats ask the police to check on him. He'll knock that off quite quickly.

Just stop dragging it out.

By the way, he ll be snapped up. Someone will fancy him and angle their way into bed with him and he ll relive sexual pleasure and realise he is quite hot and can attract many women. Within 6 months of the separation he will be back on the scene, going out with his mates on his nights off and hooking up with sex partner (s).

Be prepared for him to bounce back fairly quickly.

As a man who finds it really difficult to praise other men I agree with some of the previous posters he does sound lovely.you need to free him so he can be loved as much as he loves you.

It will hurt him no doubt but time is a healer and if you are not happy then you must end it.

It sounds as though she's scared of accepting her sexuality (and of others' acceptance).
It would become too much for any half decent person to admit (even to themselves) that they're not the 'creme de la creme' but actually a charlatan (and a somewhat callous one at that).
I find it incredible that a person could live a lie like this for so many years. I think the OP needs to work on the authentic version of herself, before considering a new relationship.

I truly hope so

He might just have been pouring his feelings out on paper. Many men do feel pretty gutted at the thought of losing what they perceive as their life partner. I write a lot and it's hard to hide stuff so children will never find it if it's on paper, I password protect everything now on the computer, even then I might leave it open when I leave the room...I dread this!

He doesn't need to be 'bad' to leave him, and it doesn't have to be right in the eyes of others. You can't live this life, it's leading you into fundamental dishonesty about who you are and how you want to live, so just get on with it.

There is no guarantee you'll be happier if you leave him.

Life is hard and so are relationships.

Poor guy.
Good luck with the split as it is for the best for both of you.

Bloody hell, you sound like a real catch. Sounds like he'd be better off without you. Are you going to sting him for money as well when you've dumped him?

Could you maybe take a bit of a run up. I mean kind of ease him into it, so it’s not such a shock. You know, tell him you’re not happy, that maybe the two of you aren’t right for each other but it’s no one’s fault, etc. The cruelest thing would be to be kind and act as if everything is normal then suddenly spring it on him that you’re going.

You say he's a great guy but your description of his behaviour doesn't back this up. He doesn't sound great at all, it makes sense that you're not happy together. I think the bi-sexuality is a red herring. Even if you were straight he's not the person for you.

You arent horrible, you're body and brain are telling you that you arent happy.

I'm not egging you on to split up but are you happier now than you were 5 years ago? If not then there is no logic to thinking you'll be happier in another 5 years.

If he suddenly became a social butterfly would it make a difference?

You have a few options, all of which you need to consider by your own preference, your childrens preference and your husbands preference.

You could.... be 100% honest and try staying together. Consider if that means an open relationship, no sex etc or whether youd peder to save his feelings and split up. But if you think you want to explore a same sex relationship it might be kinder to be honest now so it's not such a shock down the line. Might help him save face a bit. You never know, he might be fine with you having sex with women and coming home to him and it might improve things (although it think it's more likely to lead to an emotional affair when you find a woman you want more with which will cause more hurt all round).

I think you're better splitting but it's your call. X

I'm sorry but I agree with this. If a man was doing what you are doing he'd be crucified on here. Please treat him with more respect than this.

Poor guy. Yes, I’d leave if you feel like this, and I’m sure he will soon be snapped up by someone that really loves him.

Fifteen years ago I looked at my husband and decided that he wasn't the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So I can understand your thought process.

My only word of caution would be to remember that, while you have been getting your ducks in a row, he has not. This could come as a huge shock to him - I know you've separated before but you then returned. So expect and allow him to have appropriate emotions - shock, denial, anger. Be kind but not at cost to yourself.

You’re not bisexual, you’re lesbian. You didn’t know that when you started dating him, and then stayed with your first boyfriend. Ignore the posters on here scolding you for ingratitude and their ‘suck it up buttercup’/‘you made your bed, now lie in it’ message. You’re not married, you didn’t make a “till death do us part” vow to him. He deserves a relationship with a heterosexual woman and you deserve a relationship with a lesbian woman.

The PPs who suggested telling him he’s a great husband but you don’t want a husband because you’re lesbian gave good advice, I think.

Getting ducks in a row makes more sense for someone in an abusive situation. It seems harsh to plan to leave a good man. He doesn’t get to plan. Are you going to blindside him? I think it would be fairer to everyone to just get it over and done with.

Then this is what he needs to know. That it's something he cannot change and give you

Of course he’s promising to change - the thought of losing the comfort and familiarity of a long term relationship is terrifying. I doubt very much that he is actually happy, but will continue to cling on to your marriage as long as you allow him to. If you want to leave then you have to rip the plaster off and go.

A close friend was devastated when his wife asked for a divorce. They hovered together in no-man’s land for a few mouths until she told him she’d rented a house and was moving out at the end of the week. As soon as she’d gone he knew it was over and was able to acknowledge that he had not been truly happy in their relationship and move forward. He says himself that he would never have found the balls to leave and is grateful to his ex for her courage.

You can’t be responsible for his response, OP. Move on and give him the opportunity to do the same.

OP once you have a place then tell
him .Give him the months notice if that’s hat it is before you move in . It’s not like you haven’t tried talking and leaving before .
It’s not fair on you and not fair on him.
Think about it though he puts himself first when you want to leave as he “needs” “wants” you .
You have to put yourself first and your wants and needs .

He doesn't sound great at all, and it's interesting how you've ignored all the posters who said that.

Exactly this.

Isn't he just so perfect! No... He's managed to stop being a lying cheating dickhead. Hardly "lovely". You need to raise your bar OP.

I agree. I think the advice the OP is actually looking for is how to tell people (her partner in particular) she's a lesbian.

@Silverbirchtwo

how could leaving him possibly be a mistake when she feels repulsed by having sex with him?!