To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

You should tell him the truth about sleeping with other people and about being bisexual. That will make everything a lot simpler. You are not protecting him by lying about those things, you are manipulating him into continuing to love someone you aren't. It's unfair. Do the decent thing.

Your negative feelings here are so strong that you really aren’t going to be able to suppress them and just plod along with nothing changing. Not at a cost to yourself, anyway. It’s just not sustainable to continue in a marriage like this simply to avoid upsetting him.

It would be selfish of him to try to force you to remain in this one sided relationship. I guess he feels the relationship meets nearly all of his needs and he can’t see why you wouldn’t be happy.

Is the central issue that you’d rather be with a woman? If so, I think the kindest thing you could do here is to explain to him that you think he’s a truly wonderful man but you have come to realise that you are attracted to women. I know you’ve explained already in your post that you are bisexual, but perhaps the only reason he will understand is if you say that he literally is incapable of being the person you need him to be through no fault of his own. He can’t change to a female, so he can’t change your feelings.

Wait, you've been cheating on him with men!? That is very off. I sort of assumed you'd been sleeping with women if you are more attracted to them, which while still cheating is more understandable. I honestly think he deserves far better than you and you should make a clean break of it.

I agree but this man deserves better than the OP, so she should leave him for his own sake, if not for hers.

You need to let him go. To do anything else is incredibly selfish. You don't love him and that is fair enough. You cannot help how you feel. But to not act on that, and stay with him, is actually cruel.
Contrary to what he might think at the moment, you are NOT doing him a favour by staying with him. Quite the opposite, as his self-esteem will erode to nothing over time.
You both deserve to be happy.

Now read some more of the thread.

OP if you are bi-sexual and your partner does not know this and/or you are in some way hiding it from him I think from his side that is a betrayal most people could never get past.

The mother-in-law comments about OP being such a lovely "homemaker" and "the creme-de-la-creme" are frankly creepy and toxic. OP's partner needs a chance to be free of OP and do the "homemaking" side without someone where the evidence of being a good partner boils down to the person being a good homemaker.

You do need to leave him. I think the fact you considered yourself single for a period of time (whilst still legally married) and slept with other people shows that you really have checked out. I can understand having doubts and thinking separating for a small period is a good idea but to then sleep around surely shows this has been dead in the water for a very long time?

You have to be cruel to be kind here. You need to leave him and walk away properly.

Grief! That's enough to make ME want to leave him 🤣🙄

So you are cheating on him with men?

I’m not married and I don’t know why everyone keeps assuming such? Not once have I said husband

Time to leave. You owe him chance to meet someone more compatible. You owe it to yourself to find someone more compatible. You owe it to the kids to have happy parents. This relationship cannot go on- it’s dead already. The suicide threat is a form of abuse to control you to stay. He’s terrified -he doesn’t like change but he cannot see the change is necessary and that it’s for the best. I think you must be completely honest about everything including your sexuality with him too. Be tactful though ie the bit about being repulsed when he touches you could be said simply that you no longer feel any sensuality or sexual attraction whatsoever and you do need that in your life. He deserves honestly. Be as sensitive and caring as you can with him but don’t start feeling guilty or buying into the suicide threats.
It’s wrong of you to stay in this relationship- you have tried, it’s not right. At all. Best of luck.

This

Tell him you have been unfaithful with men but really want to be with a woman long term.

You have to be honest with him and with yourself

Its interesting that he was once so different and you stayed with him then. Sometimes when we're in relationships with people who's behaviour isn't the best it becomes our norm and we're almost addicted to the unpredictability, the highs and lows, and working towards the time when they change. Then when we get there we end up with something that feels like it has nowhere else to go, and a sense that the challenges actually were the relationship, and without them theres not much left. I don't know if that resonates at all.

Be honest with him, and yourself, that you're more attracted to women than men. Your to'ing and fro'ing is only making things worse, its not fair on your partner. He's more invested in the relationship than you, so he'll find the split more difficult at first, but he'll get over it, and he'll find someone else.

Honestly, he sounds manipulative. He won't let you break up with him, threatens suicide, tells you he will make any sacrifice... it's toxic behaviour on his part. Not saying he's a bad person but he isn't relating to you in a healthy way. You can't keep on letting him control and manipulate you.

Be honest, be upfront, and don't be talked out of what you know is the right decision.

It’s been 5 years snd you’re still not happy.

How many more years are you going to spend unhappy.

If this was a new feeling then I’d say to work on it but I think you’ve tried all you can and you’re just delaying the inevitable.

Its time for you both to be happy now.

Its very important to do it in a way which impacts him the minimum amount and that you don’t go back.
Even if he’s begging you and is acting suicidal, it’s actually harder for him in the long run if you keep going back and forward.

Where will you live?

I think people assumed you’re married because of details like you having been together your entire lives and your children (it’s more likely for you to be married that not in those circumstances) but also because they can’t understand how you could be so unhappy you cry after sex with him and yet still feel you have an obligation to remain his partner.

@Shouldistayorshouldi You say you're bisexual.Have you actually had a relationship with or slept with a woman?

To be clear the suicidal thoughts were not directly expressed to me. Our DC found the piece of paper and was playing with it so I looked to see what it was. There were more. It’s a 50/50 verdict amongst my friends whether I was supposed to find it or not

Yes

Sorry posted too soon. Yes and everything kind of made sense then.

If every time you’ve broken up you’ve had sex with men, then I don’t believe you truly want to be with a woman.

Some posters have said to tell him you are more attracted to women but if that’s not the case because you had sex with other men, then don’t tell him this.

OP sometimes the trauma we go through when we are younger only appears in later life. sounds like you buried his bad behaviours, but the hurt you experienced and the losses you suffered have all added up over the years to now. you are not bad, or mean to want to leave. it's what's right for you. he will be fine.

My mum would be very upset about my sexuality but that’s a different thread. She knows the situation here though and just says she doesn’t want to be around him to see the upset as she can’t handle it but she knows it’s for the best