To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

@bobaloo

i think it’s more the fact that he is a man and she is emotionally and sexually attracted to women. That is hardly making a mountain of a molehill and Op being a drama queen now is it?!

But it's ridiculous if op keeps playing the victim, and doesn't get off the pot and just move out.

No it isn’t ffs. Just because someone is kind and lovely doesn’t mean you have to want to be in a relationship with them, be attracted to them or find them interesting.

If you're still reading, OP, the essence of this is that neither of you is communicating with the other.

You've not explained how , when you had 3 separations, what happened to your DCs then - if they went with you- and if they are being emotionally affected by your disappearing.) For their sakes' alone you need to get your act together and make a choice.

The whole relationship is based on half-truths and unspoken feelings.

He had to write notes (presumably to offload and try to get his head together) which you saw. I don't see that as blackmail as such, more a couple who can't communicate with each other very well.

Stop pretending, start talking to him, and both of you resolve this.
Once he knows how you feel the decision may not be yours anyway.

Stop pretending, start talking to him, and both of you resolve this.
Once he knows how you feel the decision may not be yours anyway.

She's told him how she feels by trying to split up, three times over. He's more interested in his own feelings, and he wants her to stay put. So far, she's obeyed, presumably because his emotional pain for some reason is understood to carry more weight than hers.

Some people on here clearly really don’t care whether they fancy their partner or not ! Just so long as they’re a stable sort it’s all good!

That's not telling someone something, especially if you go back to them after!

There's no excuse for not talking properly, even just to say you're unhappy and want to leave.

Three times over, which was long enough to seek out and have other partners. No "trying".

I feel for him but the suicide thing seems manipulative. I had an ex who did this to me and it was awful. It’s not a normal response to being left, obviously marriage breakdown is horrendous but talking about suicide etc is something he should seek a therapist for if he really can’t deal with a break up. I don’t mean to sound callous OP and I’m sure he’s not deliberately manipulating you and does absolutely feel bereft at the idea of not being with you but you must do what’s right for you. Life is precious and far too short for this.

@beanontoast did you split up with your ex 3 times?

I haven’t read the thread so not sure what you’re angling at with this but no I didn’t break up with him 3 times, I was however manipulated into maintaining contact I didn’t want with him though as he pretended to be dead for several weeks and even had family members going along with it to make me think he had taken his life. I appreciate my experience of this likely hardens me to threats of suicide over break ups more than the average person, after all I was once the one terrified to stop speaking to him as I thought he would do it so I undestand OP’s difficulty…it is a horrible position to be in. It sounds like OP’s husband needs therapy anyway if he keeps taking back someone who leaves and sleeps with others, sounds like he has low self esteem or something.

You can't seriously complain about bi erasure when you claim to have chosen to stop being bisexual?

That's a very odd conclusion to draw.

Other people would say he loves her dearly and wants to save the relationship. They have children. Why should he just give up and walk away without trying?

Meanwhile, she's taken herself out of it three times (whether she took their children with her is not clear) and sought out other men and women to have sex with.

It's not a case of his feelings carrying more weight. He wants the relationship to last. But that's based on her dishonesty- if he knew she'd has several affairs with men and women, he may have kicked her into touch long ago. His behaviour, trying to save things, is not based on what has happened.

She's got her own agency, can end it if she wants to, but she'd rather dabble with other people, maybe seeing if someone out there is better (or so it seems.)

Sorry not to drip feed; the 3 times I’ve broke up with him has been for a few months at a time. During this time I’ve slept with other people. He doesn’t know this a) because I feel it’s not really any of his business and b) because he would be absolutely distraught if he knew I’d been with someone else, single or not.

@Shouldistayorshouldi So when you broke up, did you move out of the family home?
Or was the break up just a statement?
And you kept on living in the same house?

And when you had sex with men and women, did you actively seek them out on dating sites? Or how else did you find them? If you were actively looking, what were your motivations? Sex? Emotional excitement? Seeing if there was someone 'better' than your partner?

This is something you need to talk through with a therapist.

And you contradict yourself. On the one hand, having sex outside your 12 year relationship is 'none of his business' but you didn't tell him because he'd have been 'distraught'.

I'd guess the reason you didn't and don't tell him is you know you'd be handing over some power to him. He might tell you to leave, after he'd got over the shock.

I doubt his notes mentioned suicide as such. Maybe things like he'd find it hard to live or go on - but that's not the same as being serious about suicide.

You've shown him zero respect and his desire to hang onto you isn't based on knowing everything that you have done, is it?

Plz send me a dm, as i relate to you 100%

👏

I think you need to be honest. With him and with yourself. Of course it's his business that you've had sex with other people while you have been apart, that's where the honesty comes in. Tell him the truth about how you feel, what you have done and what you want to do in the future. It might help him to get rid of his rose tinted glasses so far as his feelings for you go. If he realises you have been planning your future without him he might have a few ducks of his own to get in rows.

When you first wrote about him my thoughts were that you don't know how lucky you and your child/children are. But if you're unhappy, you're unhappy and life's just too short to feel unfulfilled. I also thought how smug you seemed knowing you're the love of his life , that he is prepared to be celibate for your sake (another lie). He also deserves happiness whether he finds someone new who will treat him with respect as well as love or if he chooses to devote himself to his children and finds satisfaction there at least he won't be living the lie that you have created and he can start to see you as you are. I have no doubt he will be hurt and possibly more than a little angry but I doubt he will be suicidal, he seems to love you enough to let you go.

If you are leaving this year , do him a favour and do it sooner rather than later, like ripping off a plaster.

Remember the old saying about being careful what you wish for though. You might find that your field of fantasies and daydreams isn't as green as you hoped

He's too passive for you. The rot set in a long time ago and you need to end it, but this time stick to your guns.
He is not going to kill himself. It's emotional blackmail and so far it has worked, as you're still with him.
He has no self-respect and I'm not surprised you've got the ick.