To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

You’re cheating on him and clearly not in love with him, you want to leave, I don’t think that’s compatible with him ‘not being able to find someone better’! He’ll be upset but he will get over you with time and will probably be happier. You’ll be happier. You need to just split up and accept it will be difficult for a few months but people move on and recover.
what are your plans for the children? It would be nice to allow him to keep the house but it depends on who they will live with and whether it’s financially viable

This

You're treating him appallingly badly. If he knew half the stuff you've been up to there's a good chance he'd get rid of you and save you all of this hand-wringing anyway.

You are attracted to women and want to be in a same sex relationship. The relationship with your children's father can not work on that basis. What else are you waiting for?

All of the breaking up, getting back together, messing with his head, sleeping with other people as soon as you think it's "allowed", planning to leave but not doing it. You're treating him like a doll you can pick up and put down on a whim. He's a human being, the father of your children who they presumably love very deeply, and deserves more respect than this.

I'm so sad reading this. My advice probably echoing many, is to leave him. It's ok. Just end the charade and live your life. You can do it and it's ok to do it.

Please please please leave him.
I'm sorry to say OP but by staying with him you are abusing him.
Maybe he feels suicidal when you break up because he's self esteem has taken such a battering by being with someone who doesn't love him and finds the thought of having sex with him revolting
You think he doesn't know, but he does, maybe he's refusing to acknowledge it consciously but on a subconscious level he knows.

I've been on the other side of this, it's heartbreaking, you try to constantly make yourself a better person to make your partner love you but nothing works and you end up depressed and suicidal, with many many years of a wasted life.

He will struggle to begin with but he sounds like a great guy and he will find someone who will absolutely adore him, trust me I know.

OP repeated break ups where you sleep with other people, sounds like you need the constant excitement of a "new relationship" which is not what a long term relationship/bond is all about, it's entirely predictable you find your DP boring and will feel the same way about any new partner once the initial relationship phase passes.
Ps There are ways to rekindle some of that early passion for short bursts.

God so everybody knows, your friends, your mum, everyone except this poor fucker.

Yet here you still are asking us to help you decide

What are you REALLY scared of?

Your lack of honesty and open communication makes you the dick here, not him.

He’s desperate and borderline suicidal and states he’ll change himself to keep you. I mean, that’s not even a thing, people don’t change, but he’s making these wild statements off the back of feeling like you think he’s not good enough for you, which is enough to crush anyone’s spirit.

Just own it. You’re a secretive, cheating partner who can’t/won’t be open about exactly why your relationship is in crisis. You’re just trying to make out you’re the conflicted victim here, when really your behaviour and inability to be honest is what’s killing it.

For both your happiness and both your sakes, leave sooner rather than later!

You should go. Definitely.
But I think you need to be clear with him that you are a closeted bisexuality who wants to be with a woman.
He is not, and never will be a woman. He cannot change this, its you.
You need to leave him because of your sexuality.
Tell him he has been the perfect husband, but a husband is not what you want.

He needs the opportunity to find someone who will love him back. Poor bloke sounds like he's lovely, and does everything right, but this boards full of women who won't give up on the POS that abuses them.

In the long term everyone will be happier

You need to leave him. And you need to be really honest about everything you have done. I. E. Sleeping with other people etc. To set him free without him keeping a rose tinted version of you and your relationship.

Sounds like he will be snapped up... Perhaps it's really that you are afraid of.

“It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.
^^
Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.”

So he happily does the things that he enjoys and makes him happy, such as household chores, but doesn’t put himself out to do things you enjoy and make you happy….until he sees you finding your happiness elsewhere rather than stuck at home as part of his routine and/or when he feels at risk of losing the comfortable routine and lifestyle which suits his personal preference. At that point he has an “oh shit!” moment and makes a bit of an effort….until he starts to feel comfortable again that you aren’t on the point of leaving him.

Take it from me, don’t spend your life with a man who gives you the ick and who doesn’t care if you’re happy, just because you feel guilty about him or because people are trying to make you feel ungrateful.

Also bear in mind that if he’s a man who lacks imagination and dislikes change, he might be taking at face value your MIL’s rather dramatic declarations that he’ll never find anyone better than you, and clinging on to you because he isn’t capable of imagining a different life.

You’ll be doing him a favour in the long run.

Leaving a letter expressing suicidal thoughts anywhere that a child could see it, is not ‘lovely’ behaviour. Perhaps he is a good guy in other ways but this gives me some concerns about manipulation and his priorities. How old is your child? Could they read?

I think you need to come clean to him, sit him down and tell him EVERYTHING and tell him it's over. No return.

If he doesn't know you want a female partner, you've been sleeping around, he repulses you and you cry when he touches you etc...of course he's going to be hanging on to you for dear life. You need to cut the cord and stop being so cruel and tell him the truth.

Also, leave because you want to be single not because you want to find someone else. That's a much healthier place to start from.

I'm not sure the OP actually does want to be with a woman, though. It is something she is telling herself. Her posts are giving cluster B and I feel sorry for her partner and kids.

You sound awful and he deserves better.

I’m living a life similar to yours, I’ve tried to end it twice, both times he said he’d change but he didn’t. Now I don’t want him to, I just want him to go away.
Dont let him blackmail you into staying, he’s not your responsibility. Set yourself free.

You want to be with a woman but you're sleeping with other men?

You need to leave him so he can find someone better.

I think you're using the "bisexual" spin as an out, hoping it makes it siund like this is just something beyond your control and that's why the relationship is doomed.

But you're shagging men really

Again, where have I said I’ve exclusively slept with other men? I slept with 2 men in the hopes that it was just him I wasn’t attracted to (I’d only ever been with him) that wasn’t the case so when I slept with a woman it all made sense.

You don’t need a reason to end it.

He left suicidal writings where your child could find them?

He is not a lovely man. He’s a selfish man.

I think you’re crazy, OP. You’ve got a family, a good man who adores you and you’re clearly suffering from some deep ‘grass is greener’ delusion. The thrill you get from seedy sexual encounters is just that - a temporary thrill/high.

If I were you I’d stop fucking other people pronto and invest in some serious therapy to get to the bottom of why you are drawn towards throwing a bomb into a good life.

can you elaborate on what you felt you sacrificed to be with him. What happened 5 years ago that was the decider for you?
I think you are getting a bit of a hard ride here - youve tried to paper over the cracks for 5 years, and I think that by framing your partner as 'perfect' when there are signs that this may not actually be the case, you are making things more difficult for yourself.

I'm a bit confused as to why you've started this thread. You say you've posted about the situation on here before

Are you seeking absolution?

@Shouldistayorshouldi I think you should have clarified that you are not married at the start of your post. It seems kinda inferred from the life you describe especially with DC and that's what most people including me will assume.
In any case you are considered to be in a civil partnership with decisions to be taken as serious as if you were married.

My two cents is to leave. It'll hurt everyone yes but just envision having to stay due to pity and being in the same situation for the next 10 years.