To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

Op said it herself.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose you can get therapy to help end a relationship too that’s what I was suggesting.

He sounds a bit coercive to me, leaving evidence of his suicidal thoughts lying around to be found and speaking to your friends about his desperation to keep you.
Yes it's very sad for him, I've had someone finish with me after a decade and I was gutted, I'm not minimising that, but I didn't make it deliberately difficult for him, I only told my feelings to my own friends, every time I expressed my sadness there was no route back to him for those words.

You have tried to leave him too many times for him to believe you are not miserable with him, he knows these things are working to keep you in an unhappy place.

Where's he's self respect? The initial shock must have worn off after the amount of times you've tried to leave him, who would want to go to bed with someone night after night knowing they don't really want to be there?

I honestly remember how painful it was for someone I loved to leave me but keeping him there by coercion and skewing his friends view of him by involving them in my feelings would have been controlling behaviour.

Yes absolutely, poor op, he's absolutely awful....

Hello! I haven’t read every post so may have missed something but I find some comments in here really biphobic - being bi can also be a spectrum

• and things were very different 20, even 10 years ago when op was growing up - it’s a new thing for different sexualities to be accepted and I imagine there’s lots of folks who only realised they were bi/gay/lgbt after getting deep in a relationship

Also OP I hope this isn’t unwelcome advice but I don’t think you or anyone needs to justify their orientation based on already having had a relationship. I’d massively recommend support groups, meet ups, Instagram etc for validation and understanding yourself if you leave.

Either way - it sounded to me like your heart isn’t in with this person regardless and that he just isn’t the right person for you and your gearing up the courage to leave - go for it! Good luck

None of this matters now, op is gone, she'll do what she wants.

But I am slightly flabbergasted at this somehow being this man's fault because he should magically know she's unhappy due to the breakups. Come on. That's so unfair.

And we have no idea if the rekindling was begrudging or enthusiastic/hopeful. Regardless, he doesn't seem to know why she's unhappy. He doesn't know she's at the point of leaving him either.

I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with half of you.

OP rather than focusing on therapy to help him maybe just focus on yourself for now. All of this sounds like a lot, and before you try and end it again, you should make sure that you are in a mentally strong place.

I think OP said they’re not married but why does he have a “right” to know? She chose to be in a relationship with him at that time (and ironically he was cheating!), if she was straight would you say he had a right to know which other men she fancied or had slept with before him? If not, then why does she have to tell him she fancies women too? It’s literally irrelevant to him when she was choosing to be with him monogamously.

So stay in a relationship she's unhappy with? Think only about herself until its all easy for her to end it? Ignore how it'll upset her children?

I don’t think it takes a genius to work out that someone who dumped you three times isn’t happy, does it? And I don’t think I’d tell someone I was leaving until I’d sorted out some of the logistics. She’s being sensible making these plans to ensure she doesn’t get sucked back in again. She’s also told him she wants to do couples counselling and he hasn’t even thought to ask her why or continue a conversation about what issues she thinks merit it. It sounds like she absolutely has tried to have conversations about their problems and tell him why she’s unhappy and he doesn’t listen or take any action.

Just because someone is objectively a “perfect family man” doesn’t mean they’re the perfect man for that woman, or that she feels sufficiently in love/attracted to/fulfilled by him or the relationship. Relationships or people don’t have to be bad for someone to outgrow and want to leave them.

The massive paragraph about what a catch he supposedly is, is irrelevant. There are many people who, I’m sure, would find him a wonderful partner, and many who would agree with you that he’s not for them- none of this matters- YOU are allowed to not want to be with him.

BUT…. FFS….do it NOW, don’t keep stringing him along with half hearted breakups, sleeping with other people, long discussions about getting back together- ugh. You’re actually being quite selfish, you are clearly not in love with this man but seem to get a certain satisfaction from knowing how adoring he is of you. Leave him, let him find happiness with someone that deserves him, and hopefully you will find the same.

That’s not what I said at all. She’s tried to leave multiple times and has been talked back into a situation that is bad for everyone. Perhaps with some support and being in a better place this time when she walks away, she can walk away for good.

There's so much to unpick here it's like climbing a mountain just reading it.

@Shouldistayorshouldi You partner (are you married?) loves you and doesn't want you to leave. His desperation shown in writing suicide notes is a clue, surely. But your disappearance for months to have other relationships would be impossible for many to cope with.

If he didn't care for you so much, he would end it, because your behaviour hardly covers you in glory.

What comes over is you are bored with him and his lack of 'oomph'.

That in itself could be fixable. But you need to communicate with him (not nag- really communicate.)

However, it' s not clear (and I don't think you yourself really know) if this is just a relationship gone stale and in the doldrums (which many are after some years), or if you are just no longer compatible , or if you are gay.

If you are gay, then clearly it's not salvageable. But are you gay, or have you dabbled with gay affairs because they seem less like infidelity? (Female friendships who go a bit further?)
Only you can answer that.

Either in, or out of your relationship, you need therapy to explore your sexuality.

You do come across as if you are setting him 'traps' to fail in your eyes, rather than being honest with him. It's very passive aggressive behaviour.

It's something people do when they don't want to take responsibility for ending something. They behave in a way that forces (they hope) the other person to end it.

But you need to talk to someone professionally, who will get you to dig deeper into what's going on.

You sound like your mind is made up, but you won't be happy. I'd suggest therapy for you to see why you keep sabotaging yourself.

But I think he'd be much happier with a partner who loved and appreciated his "lovely" self.

I don't think it's self-sabotage to stick to your guns instead of letting someone repeatedly gaslight your feelings about the relationship you have with them.

I suspect the OP might not post again, but I'm pretty sure she is reading.

Looks like an exercise in reputation management to me. Just have a fully honest conversation with the guy about where you are at and that it's not recoverable.

That way you don't leave him with any impression he could have done or acted differently, but that you backed yourself into a corner with half truths and outright lies and its time to end the farce.

Still, just a view of some random Internet person, but even if you took him the long way around, and worked on getting him to accept its over, you still have to start by giving up the lying and explain who you are and that theres nothing he can or should do. ✋️

With any luck, you can then move on having born what responsibility you should and not one iota more, and you can work on civil and constructive co parenting.

But it does require a ... lack of cowardice, and it's going to be hard to dig yourself out of the mess, but for everyone's sake in that situation you've got to get on with it.

I hope at the other end you can own who you are, and come out properly. Good luck.

@Natbro

what makes you think it wouldn’t be greener on the other side? 😊

@bobaloo

it is NOT sabotage to want to separate from someone who you do NOT love and who you do NOT fancy, FFS!!

It's one thing to explore relationships when you have your loyal dog at home as a back up. But reality can set in when you realise you're single now. This person who was constantly chasing and boosting your ego is gone.

Now your living alone... maybe dating isn't going well. People aren't looking for anything serious, you're not clicking. You get your heart broken by someone else and your ego takes a hit.

You might wonder what your ex is doing. Whether he has a partner. Seeing them move on can sting and bring regret.

There could be logistical or financial issues causing regret. Looking after children alone without a partner living there to help whenever you need it. Anything.

None of these things could happen, and it might all be wonderful🤷🏼‍♀️

That only really applies if you think being single is inherently bad. I’d still rather be having unsuccessful dates and a bit of loneliness than be in a relationship with someone who made me feel disgusted and drove me to tears every time they touched me though.

I find it so weird when people declare it was so different 20 years ago. It really wasn’t any more the dark ages than it is today. It really wasn’t. We’re not all that accepting today but op has said she thinks she’s lesbian rather than bi.

Same sex marriage wasn't legal 20 years ago.

And section 28 was only lifted 20 years ago in England (not sure where op is). I presume folks know about this but if not you can see more about it here.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/cacc0b40-c3a4-473b-86cc-11863c0b3f30

But it is self sabotage to find a lovely and kind partner "boring." She hasn't said anything is wrong with him other than he's not exciting enough for her and her boredom with him gives her the ick.

Some people can't be happy unless there is drama in their lives and why I suggested therapy before ending it for good.