To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

It doesn’t matter how great he is on paper really as it just isn’t working for you. It’s going to be very stressful in the short term but long term you will both be better off.

Yikes - OP leave him and leave him now, sorry but YABVU and unfair on him. You don’t and are not in love with him anymore - he could find someone who really loves and values him. He doesn’t even know how you feel which is deceitful.

I think you have to rip the plaster off here. He's devoted to you because he doesn't know the half of it, or if he suspects it he doesn't want to rock the boat by asking. Essentially this only works through you carrying on living the lie and that's making you ill and stressed. There's not a choice here as far as I am concerned, and I would also be devastated to find out if my husband was keeping things like his sexuality, his sex life when we were separated and how he felt about sex from me, I may have heard some things I didn't like over the years but I much prefer honesty.

He sounds fantastic and you will miss him terribly. The grass is greener, but in reality the likelihood of finding anyone else half as good as him are very slight.

Good luck whatever you decide, but it could be a huge mistake.

I’m not trying to be a bully, but you’re being really cruel to him. You’re allowing him to still feel that there’s something there and that you’re the loves of each others lives and ride the highs and lows together. When that’s absolutely not the case. And the sleeping with other people and him not knowing is unfair because then it might knock you off your pedestal in his eyes, but it sounds like you like him having you up there. Telling him you love him etc is giving him scraps. And then acting like it’s his fault you stay. Just leave him and then leave him alone.

He doesn’t sound brilliant to me.

He’s actively ignoring your needs.

And he’s manipulating you with suicide threats. Not something I think is in line with a lovely person at all.

So you're already working it all out, organising your finances, sleeping with other people, presumably sorting yourself out with a rental, and you plan on just dropping the news on this man who you describe as lovely without a hitch, leaving him to process it all alone and get his own "ducks in a row" in a state of panic while you walk straight off into your pre planned new life.

You're a coward.

How is it manipulating though- he probably does feel like he can't go on if his 'perfect' marriage collapses? But he will. And be a good co-parent. The reason he's so devoted to the Op is he doesn't know the truth! if he knew that he may not stay very devoted at all.

Thank you. I really am just in such a mess about all this. I’ve protected his feelings as best I can for a long time.

we were pretty much kids when we got together (early 30s now). At the start he did do things that I should have left him for. Lied, was unfaithful, partied a lot etc. but that is 100% completely and utterly the furthest thing from who he is now. I suppose I’ve always felt resentment in a way. I have (until the last couple of years) devoted myself to him even pre DC. Missed out on so many opportunities for him, potentially done myself Over financially. Missed out on career and social opportunities. Now I suppose I realise none of that was right and I feel suffocated

Also, by threatening to leave and then not leaving, he's been on his best behaviour, and twice as devoted to the OP to try to make her stay. We see this all the time on the Relationship board, women doubling down to try to make their usually unfaithful husbands stay. If he knows the truth, the whole truth, he can decide whether this is a situation he wants to stay in, and I suspect this whole 'devotion' thing will die a death, because it's being perpetuated by the OP threatening to leave him all the time, which makes him feel insecure and like he has to prove how brilliant he is and how great their life is together.

You can’t stay with him because he threatens suicide.

Make an appointment with a therapist if he doesn’t go then he doesn’t go. Make it clear to him you are going anyway.

I think you need to be honest about your other partners when you were on a break too. He’s holding onto a marriage which doesn’t exist anymore.

Live your life. You’ve tried. You’ve made mistakes. Your human. If you got together in your teens early twenties I can completely understand where you are coming from too. I really could not imagine being married to any of my boyfriends from that era in my life.

we were pretty much kids when we got together (early 30s now). At the start he did do things that I should have left him for. Lied, was unfaithful, partied a lot etc. but that is 100% completely and utterly the furthest thing from who he is now. I suppose I’ve always felt resentment in a way. I have (until the last couple of years) devoted myself to him even pre DC. Missed out on so many opportunities for him, potentially done myself Over financially. Missed out on career and social opportunities. Now I suppose I realise none of that was right and I feel suffocated

well that’s quite the drip feed isn’t it?

You can’t be responsible for protecting him from his suicidal feelings. Don’t factor that into your decision.

I’ve protected his feelings as best I can for a long time

No, you have protected your emotional security.

I don't believe your drip feed for a second btw. If it were true, I don't think you would have said earlier that you wanted him to keep the house and not have anything change in his finances

Well not really because I wouldn’t imagine I should allow things from over a decade ago to influence how I’m feeling now with kids a mortgage careers and a new life

Just leave him. It's sounds like it's been a shit show from beginning to end really. You say he's lovely but none of this sounds lovely. He's emotionally dependent on you, you've already ended the relationship three times and slept around behind his back and now you're worrying about lying to him? - why are you still messing with his head like this? Just rip the bandaid off and leave him alone to get himself together.

What drip feed? I don’t actually know what you’re talking about.

of course I don’t want his finances to change? Why would I? It’s not his fault I’m leaving

I think what also plays a part in my struggle to leave is outside input. Whenever I’ve discussed it with family it’s “oh but he’s so amazing oh but you’re so happy together oh but your lives are so good oh but you have everything how could you be unhappy” it’s hard. His mum always says he won’t find anyone better than me I’m crème de la creme (her words) and when I’ve spoken to her when we’ve split up in the past she tells me it keeps her up at night and “I’m such a homemaker” we can work it out and we must because it’s imperative the dc don’t come from a broken home

This. You both deserve to be happy and he certainly deserves a partner who is not repulsed by him and who does not dump him and then sleep with other people. Let him go.

I would also like to add that none of this comes with performance or dramatics it’s always a civilised normal conversation. No drama which is why I think it comes as such a shock

Tell him you are same sex attracted and want your independence, you feel suffocated in the relationship and you want for both of you to be free to live your life with radical honesty and to Co patent with platonic love.

Tell him you want to agree an exit path and a transition to seperated Co parenting, always putting the children's well being first. Tell him you want him to be happy and to find fulfilment and you simply can't be his romance partner, but you ll love him like a brother/Co parent and you want the best for him.

Can you elaborate....

Sure. DM left DF for very similar reasons, and DF was very like your DH. She went on to meet an abusive arsehole who destroyed everything. DF, on the other hand, is extremely happy. DM has many, many regrets.

My friend did similar, and although her experience wasn't as destructive, she eventually regretted it, tried to rekindle her marriage to her decent man and was flat out refused. Other relationships haven't worked out and she's fairly unhappy.

Obviously, this may not be the case for you, which is why I said it could potentially be a big mistake.

My experiences of what happened in these cases have obviously coloured my view somewhat, but I do fall into the camp of 'the grass isn't always greener'.

Particularly when you can blow apart your kids lives too (as mine was).

That puts the relationship in a quite different light doesn’t it. Sounds like there is underlying resentment and OP has been papering over the cracks and trying to convince herself that he’s lovely now

Not read the whole thread.

OP, how did you meet him and what first attracted you to him? Were either you or him in another relationship when you first met or were you both single.

And, most importantly, do the two of you have kids together?

This is good advice. It’s a bit of a cliche but you need to convince him that it’s you and not him. And be honest with him about your bisexuality. As you should have been before you married him.