To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

I agree Millar. I think what the OP needs is a recommendation for a lesbian support group.

As someone whose ExH left them for another man, I say tell him. For me the lies were worse than knowing the truth.

You're turning into a deeply unpleasant person by continuing your life or lack thereof with him.

Leave and give him a chance as well, I feel sorry for him. He deserves to be with someone who values him, as do you.

Spot on.

If you're repeating your parents story, what's his experience on his family side? Both of you could benefit from couples therapy as it sounds like you've both been inadvertently colluding with a pattern of not telling each other what's really going on our of a mistaken belief that it's unkind. The outcome seems to be that he's become completely emasculated and you are so guilty ridden you've left but forgotten to take yourself with you. You are both creating something quite unhealthy between you that leaves him feeling he doesn't know who he is without you and you feeling responsible for the whole family set up without wanting to. Go and talk about this with support then you may both be able to evaluate how to get yourselves into better places.

I think you're being really deceitful and dishonest with him.

Tell him:
You are leaving
You are bored
You find him unattractive
You don't love him
You have lied to avoid sex with him for .... however long
You have had sex with other men and women
You are bi -sexual

Then see how quickly he gets over his perfect image of you. You'll be out the door like a shot with him slamming it behind you.

Op you say you're getting your ducks in a row but what does that look like for your kids? That they'll get up one morning, you'll pack up yours and their bags and they'll see Daddy every couple of weeks?

You're moving out but is it mortgaged? Rental? Can he even afford to keep the house on with all your financial planning to make sure you're financially stable?

Ido think you should go,bit to wake up and announce it's done, you and the kids are going, bye, enjoy all the bills, see you in a few weeks etc seems quite harsh

In fairness, there are people (a sizeable number!) on here who'd call a man a rat regardless of his character; if you are on a continuous search for flaws, you will always find what you're looking for...
Thus I can understand why the OP is ignoring those comments, I tend to ignore them too.

This is a horrific situation. You should leave him. Definitely. Yet!!! I wonder what we d say if this was written by a man?!

I feel really really sorry for your husband. He deserves better than this by the sounds of it. And perhaps your kids, depending how you handle all this. Please don’t turn into a total social butterfly arsehole with girlfriends shoved in your kids faces. Seen this happen v often. Please manage this as sensitively as youcan. It’s true, we can’t help how we feel. But we can help how we behave and who suffers because of our feelings.

He probably means it! It's important not to dismiss it.

Start therapy before you light the touch paper so he at least has a safety net afterwards. It didn't take just one of you to only go to a couple of sessions then not mention it again. You can be more assertive yourself and refuse to let it drop next time. Make it clear the sessions continue. I do wonder if the on off nature and indecisiveness of the splits could be giving mixed signals. He obviously doesn't believe there's no future with you so work on that. You have to take some of the ownership for returning every time and you've now revealed it wasn't even you he expressed those feelings to so that should make it even easier but ultimately, you have to take ownership of your own feelings. People can't force us to keep going back to something that makes us unhappy. The truth is whether you can see it or not, by not sticking to a clean break you are subconsciously choosing to keep bouncing back in and out of the relationship. Perhaps explore what's behind that and choose to make it stop. Is it possible you don't want to end it entirely in case it doesn't work out elsewhere and you need to keep him as a back up plan? He can still be an amazing dad without being a couple. At the end of the day something within yourself is the reason you can't make a clean break. Stop kidding yourself you only keep going back because you're this wonderful compassionate person who can't bear to see him so distraught. You're not doing it for him, look inside yourself because somewhere deep down you're doing it because there's a part of you that thinks it will be better for you. Do you think psyching yourself up and still having sex with him every few months is giving him the clear message that you aren't sexually attracted to him? Is it possible that might be giving him mixed messages about where things are with you?

So true.

Wow, I'd be very careful of saying all these hurtful things to his face, with no.body else around. What if he snaps and hurts the op

Please think. Would you like all those things suddenly blurted out to you.

Op make your mind up yourself. Don't take advice that could put you in a vulnerable position.
No one on here will be accountable if you take their advice and it goes wrong.

Leave him and do it properly, irrevocably and without fannying about with another "break".

Tell him about the other people when you were on previous breaks - this will help him see that it's real and it's over.

Yep, it's going to be shit for him and he's not going to be able to do bath & bed for his children every night and will lose the family comfort he loves, but that's life. Hopefully you'll both be reasonable about co-parenting.

But for god sake do it - it's unbelievably shitty that so many of your friends, relations and people on the Internet know all this before him.

I think you’re making a mistake- this sounds like a classic case of the grass appearing greener, but it isn’t. It sounds as though you’ve made your mind up, though, and the decent thing to do now is leave so that he can have another chance with someone he can be happy with.

Having said that, don’t fall into the trap of assuming that a kind, decent person like your husband will behave honourably when his heart is broken and his life pulled apart. Also don’t try and make up for breaking his heart by stiffing yourself financially. You don’t owe him your own poverty, and however badly you have behaved, you are entitled to a fair settlement. I’ve seen several people fail foul of this.

Soooooo glad no one is telling you to suck it up and stay married to him for the sake of the kids OP

I think that you should discuss this with a solicitor.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

If your Mum and your friend's situations were like the OPs, then staying wouldn't have been happy, it would have been.a different shade of dead brown grass and a different set of regrets. Staying would need to be an active choice and a joint commitment to making things work, and then working together to change things or there:s no point. If OP stays and nothing changes she'll be miserable anyway.

It sounds like you're gay...?

Sorry, but I don’t think he is perfect at all, he is making you stay in that relationship out of sheer guilt and he is happy to keep you there even if you are so unhappy. Being Mr Perfect can be a form of gas lighting/manipulation.

If he really loved you he would let you go without making so much fuss. Believe me no amount of DIY and household chores commitment on his part would make you a happy couple.

You are even crying after having sex, sweetie, of course you are going to cry, you are guilt tripped into having sex with someone you are no longer attracted to. I cannot imagine why people here are saying you will regret leaving him.

For your sake and that of your children you need to stop this charade. They shouldn’t be learning at home that they should stay with someone they no longer love just because the other person is nice to them and wants them to stay.

Leaving him will be difficult as most people won’t understand you, but then, they are not the ones feeling forced to live with someone they no longer love, they are not the ones crying after sex, they are not the ones feeling trapped day in day out. You need to leave him anyway.

You will be fine, you will be better, but don’t allow him to keep all the assets as you need your part of the assets to set up the foundations on how to provide well fit your kids after divorce.

Simply being suicidal is not controlling. Only if it's being threatened.

Top victim blaming here, well done!

You missed the part where he did try and plan activities etc but the OP had lost interest, I take it?

Homestly if anyone is defending the OP over this poor man they should have their bumps felt.
I hope the poor guy finds someone he deserves.

This is really sad for your husband, wow. And now packing up to leave him whilst he thinks it's all fine. No, no, no.

Re his mums comments about you being a 'homemaker' are you a sahm and this is driving you to stay? How old are dc?