To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

Hello @TheWillowTrees thats kind of you to ask. no progress here. he seems v depressed. the verbal tics (i'm calling them that not tourettes from now on) have reduced recently - but he seems more anxious and depressed. he is making lots of loud groans and moans, and he twitches quite a bit. he also stares at me in silence. no progress with him seeing the GP. he says he will call and doesn't. i find it hard with the kids and work to find the energy to keep encouraging him - i have enough on my plate.

Sorry to hear that @NewYearNoFear. Sounds really hard especally as he won’t take any action to help himself. Is he a good husband in other ways?

That sounds very difficult. I'm just going to say that you do not have to live like this. Not seeking help or change is him choosing to abuse you and the children instead.
It's scary, but you will all be so much better for leaving.

Hi OP, I saw your update. I don’t have expertise in this and just wanted to send solidarity - such a hard situation. I have two suggestions. I think I read that you could afford private help. How about contacting someone like Dr Tanya Byron https://www.professortanyabyron.com/ who is a clinical psychologist who writes a weekly column in the times
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/33bf376f-00e5-4a7e-987c-f3676ba0eb65?shareToken=2519c58466b7b77d89a6091b4c443fc0

i have seen her about a family member and she is great. She’s in London and I reckon she’d do a virtual consultation if needed.

and /or could you do an intervention with a family member you trust? A close friend? His parents? Can you frame it as being concerned for his wellbeing and the wellbeing of the family as a whole?

I think you can push back on the GP and explain your family needs more help and support. I think you sound amazing.

I'm in the dog house. I was telling him about something and he started to look right through me, and then at the floor, totally in another world. And I just felt frustrated and said "ah you're not listening" and then he started twitching his head pretty intensely. Then he stopped and said "it's my anxiety. For gods sake. What you're saying made me anxious and then you have a go at me. You're so fucking unsupportive" and he's stormed off to bed. I feel bad for saying he wasn't listening but he never listens, just constantly in his own head. He said "it's worse for me than it is for you and you still can't be supportive"

I don't see an end to this. I feel like a horrible person.

He's the one that sounds horrible OP.

Yeah, maybe. @porridgeisbae I had such a good day today, working, being with the kids. And it seems to crumble so much when I'm around him. I'm always saying the wrong thing. I really don't want to put my kids through it but how can I be in a marriage that feels so miserable when he won't get help.

The kids will be ok, they'll probably turn out a lot better than if they had him around all the time. x

Sounds awful. You’re not a bad person.

You’re allowed to leave- you’re not tied to him forever. Even if he does have an illness and especially if he won’t seek treatment. What’s your practical situation like? Do you both work?

I think your husband's mental health problems are not even the main issue here.

Your DH sounds horrible, honestly. Unsupportive, uninterested in you and the welfare of your children. Happy to lie in bed groaning and shouting. Giving you a hard time for saying nothing much at all then storming off. Presumably he's doing eff all childcare in all this?

He's not talking to the GP because it serves him in some way I suspect.

Can you kick him out? I don't see why you and two small children should have to leave.

At the very least you need to insist on a GP's appointment by the end of the week. If not he can not deal with his problems somewhere else and stop torturing his family

You're all saying he's awful and yet he's upset with me and barely talking to me this morning...he's so hurt at me being unsupportive for saying he wasn't listening.

He's so difficult about stuff. I didn't buy the orange juice he normally buys and this morning he was like "you forgot orange juice" and then doing some weird thing where he was pretending not to see the juice and then saying "oh this is what you've bought?? This stuff? Great. Don't think I'll be having my juice this morning then"

It was some tropicana orange juice FGS. He was acting like I'd bought something insane. Its like every little thing I do.....

We both work full time. I can't kick him out as we own the house jointly. I earn twice as much as him.

Yes, this being constantly upset with you is a way of punishing you. He's deliberately trying to keep you on the back foot.

You sound profoundly unhappy and like a reasonable person. He does not sound like a reasonable person.

The "every little thing you do" is not reasonable. If I forgot orange juice my Dh sigh but then we'd talk about who would pop to the shops. It is not normal or nice to treat you this way.

Thank god you earn well. I'm sorry everyone is saying bin the DH but he does sound nasty. I'm so sorry for you OP. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

'he's so hurt at me being unsupportive for saying he wasn't listening"

He didn't listen

You pointed it out

He says he's hurt, that you're being unsupportive.

But he wasn't listening.

This started with him doing something wrong and he's twisted it that you're in the wrong. You weren't. He wasn't listening. But he's made it a huge deal and turned all the blame on you. This sounds utterly exhausting.

If he has mental health problems he isn't taking responsibility for them and seeking health.

My DH had some pretty severe mental health problems last year that he was ignoring. I absolutely insisted he speak to his GP about it and he did, he got some help and he's much better. And everything in life is easier now. His mental health was his responsibility but it was damaging our relationship and I was getting worn down.

Perhaps if your DH got some help he wouldn't be like this. Please push for him getting help.

Could you get some relationship therapy? If you find a couple's therapist who has some medical background / knowledge they may back you up on him getting help.

You're not allowed to say the slightest factual thing about him without these sort of moods/punishments. That's not ok.

Oh @NewYearNoFear , he can have every mental health problem under the sun, and still be a complete and utter asshole. Some abusers also have mental health issues. They are still abusers.

I feel that he is moving into abuser territory. Honestly.

He does NOT have the right to treat you like this. You deserve better. This is not a marriage anymore. Not until he actually gets help and stops treating you so badly.

I really, really think you should leave.

Oh OP, this is terrible for you. I am hugely supportive of rights for disabled people and tics are hugely difficult to cope with BUT I was an alcoholic and learnt that unless I sought help I would lose everything. Until he seeks help there is just darkness for you. You need to be safe, mentally safe, this is not happening and you are going to make yourself ill. I would suggest it's time to say, get help or get out.

Oh love, been following you from your first post. You really don't have to live like this. You are not horrible. You are a beyond loving, caring and hopeful person. That is the only reason why you keep trying to rescue this terrible situation.

It shouldn't be a competition. You should both love and support each other.

I've been there over a food item. It really was the last straw for me. That someone so simple as a food product could be used as an excuse to insult me and punish me.

It really isn't your primary role and purpose in life to be his emotional punching bag and sponge. Being "supportive" does not meaning taking all his abusive behaviour (weather it is related to ill health or not) without complaint.

Please think hard about your future and look after yourself.

Until he has a diagnosis, he is just being an unreasonable twat OP. A selfish, irrational abuser who is frightening his children and upsetting his wife. That is all.

If he goes to the GP and energetically pursues diagnosis, then and only then do you have to consider whether and to what extent it is possible for you and your small kids to accommodate his issues.

If he is too selfish and self-involved to do that, then I'm afraid that shores up armchair diagnosis 1: he's an arsehole.

I can understand a lot of things; mental illness is terrible, ND is hard to live with. But what I can't understand is the level of selfishness and entitlement that would expect the people he claims to love to live with this kind of behaviour forever, never complain or even mention it, and have no expectation of things ever changing or getting better. That is nothing to do with (possible) Tourettes, or ASD or anything else he has no control over. That is selfish entitlement, and give the lie to the supposed idea he hates himself, has low self-esteem etc. He obviously thinks a great deal of himself if he thinks he is entitled to ruin three people's lives just to save himself the bother of pursuing diagnosis and treatment.

I dont care what anyone else says on this thread - he genuinely sounds dangerous. Completely unhinged and manipulative, right on the edge of doing something bad. I would 100% leave or ask him to leave even if you phrase it as 'needing a break' from each other. You can ask him to leave for the sake of the kids (keeping them in their own home) if he says no and you earn twice as much as him anyway I'd find a rental/airbnb/stay with family and pursue divorce. He probably does need medical help but he also sounds like he's playing up to it too. Leave him.

You said before it felt cruel to give him an ultimatum about getting help. Do you still feel this? It seems you have no choice. I'm a little unsure why you feel you could leave him but you don't feel you could give him an ultimatum.

@NewYearNoFear It is possible for someone to be abusive and have Tourettes/anxiety. He sounds abusive. PLEASE make a plan to leave him.

The post you made about him groaning and shouting in bed with the door open while your young children were trying to sleep made by blood run cold. Either he is truly unable to control himself even when his tiny children are sleeping, which is not safe, or he doesn’t care and is using his disorders to be abusive/make your life harder. I think its the latter.

Then it's just as well nobody else cares about what you say either.

And by the way two things can be true: It may be he is suffering enormously, needs help, and will get worse if you leave. AND you cannot, and should not be expected to, live with this any longer.

You have put up with this for a long time. As another people-pleaser, I can fully understand how looking after him can have felt possible and good for a long time.

But now you have children. That pivots everything. You are a mother first, and have to be very cold-hearted towards anyone and anything else if you want to protect them. He is bad for you and for the children. They need you strong, well, not beaten down and broken. They need to feel safe and happy in their home, not confused and scared.

He may be the one you have to sacrifice for them. If he was anything like a father, he should be willing to jump in front of a bus for them too; but all he cares about is him, his pain, his problems. So YOU have to be the one to protect them, no matter the cost to him or anyone else.

Meow. Not really fussed but the OP should take note. Just the other day an extremely mentally unwell father took the life of his family, its a daily occurrence. I wouldn't risk this, he's already been like this long term with no treatment. Kick him out is my opinion and she should listen.