To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

Read this back to yourself as if you were giving your friend advice. He would hit the roof how and why? He knows it's impacting you but it seems there's an element of manipulation here. Are you safe in general? Your GP also has a duty of care for you and your kids if his behaviour is unsafe so I would disclose it so it's recorded in case you need that record in future re unsupervised contact with your children.

To be honest, I think you’re asking the wrong question. It’s not really whether it’s wrong to leave due to your husband’s MH/neurological conditions but whether you really have a choice in the matter. The current situation is unsustainable, for you (you are going to burn out), for your children (you know they are being affected) and for your husband. There is something he can do to change things- seek medical support. Might not be a cure but at least it’s a step in that direction and one that shows understanding of the strain on you. There is something you can do to change things- leave. I’m not sure what the other possibilities are.

What you said about him turning your stress into another thing about himself struck a chord with me. I had an alcoholic partner who would do just this- when I explained the effect his alcoholism had on me, he took that as another reason for self-loathing and hence drink. It took me a while and some counselling to understand that this was not situation it was in my power to fix. I’d really encourage you to get the mental health support you need for yourself in all this to help you recognise what is and what isn’t within your power to do.

Have you told him that you are thinking of leaving and given an ultimatum. Tics or no tics he needs to make a decision. He is behaving selfishly. Many people have issues and don't behave like arseholes.

The thing is that he just isn't nice to you. He isn't nice to the children. He doesn't support you in any way and when you tell him how you feel he just goes on about how he feels. Your relationship is with you as a carer and him as a patient, albeit a patient who isn't very nice to you.

I think for your own mental health you should separate. Also, I think your children would be better off not living with him all the time. If he won't look for help when you are telling him you are struggling because of him, then he has to put up with the consequences.

I’m not normally a fan of ultimatums but in this case I think it would be the right thing to do.
His “condition” whatever it is, is now impacting heavily on your family. All the support in the world from you isn’t going to change that.
He needs professional help and I would be saying to him if he doesn’t seek out the help you’re not sure how much longer you can stay in this relationship.

@GrumpyDullard thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds similar in terms of spiralling. DH used to drink a lot but stopped after kids. Do your DC still see their dad? How did he cope with you leaving?

The child is mimicking the symptoms. Which is what I said, not catching the condition. It might be an uncomfortable truth, but anxiety, OCD behaviours, or as in this case the blurting out of words are often passed on to the children witnessing these things.

It sounds like you are more in the leaving camp than the ultimatum one? Why on earth would an ultimatum seem unfair? It's pretty much the only avenue you have left now apart from separation. It's probably the only thing that will force him to get help as well. I'm struggling with the logic that you feel an ultimatum would be unfair given the seriousness of the situation.

Of course it is a safeguarding concern - do you think nursery staff/teachers will ignore your 3 your old saying he hates himself and wants to die? Or whatever it is your DH is saying. Your children watching that, whilst he shakes and is unable to control, is as damaging as witnessing domestic violence.

Unfortunately I have enough experience make that judgement. My DF was sectioned for 6 months this year, for intrusive thoughts, repeatedly making derogatory remarks about himself, shaking, self harming in the form of hitting his head and rubbing eyes vigorously and delusional thinking. I have a young DD, who I absolutely would not dream of exposing to any of those behaviours. Your kids are witnessing it day in day out, and it will be shaping their idea of what a normal family / relationship looks like. These behaviours will not improve on their own, and will likely continue to escalate.

And I would say the same if the roles were reversed and it was mum exhibiting this behaviour - again something my wider family have seen and had to take custody of the children in order to safeguard them.

The worst part of the condition is the obsessive compulsive thoughts

People with Tourettes sometimes also have OCD but not always.

It does sound like OP's husband has some MH issues going on alongside it though.

If they don't already have MH issues then of course the condition also takes its toll too in terms of effects on their life.

But OP's main issue is he's not getting help. That he hasn't always had this level of tics does imply he has more chance of getting them to improve than someone who's had this intensity of symptoms earlier in their life.

I mean, it does sound like Tourettes but we don't know yet for sure, it could be some other MH issue.

A lot of people have tics, I had a friend who had really major ones but I don't know if he was even aware he was doing it. I don't think he has Tourettes, he 'just' has various psychological stressors.

What rubbish. You cannot 'catch' Tourettes

There was a thing online where a lot of youngsters on Youtube all developed Tourettes like symptoms or maybe faked Tourettes. Maybe one of them genuinely had it and they were mimicing one of them.

It might've been just for clout for those ones, but similar things have happened before and been long term.

Of course children can mimic an action or phrase from a parent/anyone.

Can you view it a bit differently? Giving him an ultimatum / setting a clear boundary. It can actually help people in the long run to be pushed into making a change which will ultimately benefit them and their family. They would coast along and spiral, but if you can gently push them in a different direction, that will be to their benefit. Lots of people need this, they can't make that change alone.

We split up 9 years ago, after 7 years of marriage. The kids haven’t seen him for a couple of years because his drinking had got to the stage when they weren’t safe with him. They’re now teenagers and don’t particularly want to see him, although they’ve been keeping in touch by text on and off.
After we split up, his initial reaction was to get engaged to the first woman he met, 10 days after I threw him out. They married but split up within 5 months of their wedding. He’s subsequently been engaged twice more (that I know of, maybe more) but never remarried. He desperately wants someone to look after him. It’s very sad. He’s not a bad person, just impossible to live with.

Well. If it;s on YouTube it must be true. Just like the report today that Tom jones is dead.

This thread is a cluster fuck misinformation, assumptions and ableism.

im not even sure where to start.

i cannot comment on the relationship aspect as I’ve never been in a relationship. But it’s a hell of a lot worse for him than it is for you. I’m not saying that to dismiss your feelings but it’s true. Do you think he wants to tic what he tics?!

also it’s a neurological disorder not a mental health issue. Yes he likely also has mental health issues but Tourette’s (is that’s what he has) is not a mental health issue.

obviouslyhe should go to a gp and get a referral. As the tics could be caused by something else. But if it is Tourette’s there’s next to nothing that can be done really. There are some medications but they are anti psychotic medications usually that only have a side effect that may reduce tics. There is cbit but all that that does is teach you to suppress tics and is widely disliked in many adults in the Tourette’s community.

if he is depressed or stressed or similar treating this may reduce his tics as a side effect, if he is less anxious the tics may reduce. But this is not a given.

Thank you for all your help. I definitely don't feel any clearer though!

Some people think I'm traumatising my kids but letting this continue. Other people describe tics as a neurological condition and i need to educate and support my kids to understand my husband's tics.

Do people with tourettes not necessarily have anxiety or bad thoughts then? I need to keep researching. I just wish we see a professional we knew what was actually going on!!

I don't know the cause of the tics but I do know the impact and that is me feeling quite distressed at home, my kids saying they hate themselves and my husband looking v sad a lot of the time. I know he's struggling the most @Doggonames and I want to support him but i do think as a dad and husband he has some responsibility to at least discuss it with me . At the moment he talks about it for 30 secs before shutting down.

I think you need to put your kids first. I grew up with a father that had severe mental illness and it’s massively impacted me. I still have flashbacks and am scared when I remember living with him. Please, please either make your husband seek help or take your kids away from the situation. In my experience the longer you leave it untreated the worse it gets. I think deep down you know it’s time to do something because you’ve put this thread up.

If your husband is saying “I hate myself I’m useless” and your kid is repeating that it’s very bad.

if your husband is saying “I hate myself and deserve to die” and your kid is repeating that then of course it’s a safeguarding issue.

Even just repeating the first example is incredibly damaging to a young brain.

Please think hard about what you are exposing such young children to.

I think, maybe, because they’ve only got this bad since Covid he may still be processing it. Obviously that’s not easy for you, he could just be bloody overwhelmed, freaked out not sure what to do at this point, trying to come to terms with it.

I’ve always had tics but mine got much much worse as an adult, i lived alone at that point, albeit at home. But honestly for the first few years I was like bloody fucking hell what the fuck. I knew I should go and get checked out but I had had some for so long that was like well it’s probably that so what’s the point. I also had a major fear of doctors, I just could not cope with the thought of going to doctor and actually saying I have tics. I couldn’t cope with anyone knowing. I suppressed them in public and they were constant at home. I could barely sleep, I could barely talk while I was ticcing. Honestly it was a bloody nightmare.

6 years after they got worse I went to the gp, this was during Covid. I got a referral to a neurologist, and they basically said it’s probably this, nothing we can do off you go…

im much more comfortable with the tics now and I’ve also largely lost the ability to suppress. And because the suppression happens less my tics are less pent up so are a bit reduced, they’re still bad but not as bad.

honestly most people with Tourette’s will have anxiety and depression, often ocd. I think it’s around 70%+ of people with Tourette’s also have adhd. ADHD and ocd are the most common comorbities with Tourette’s. Autism is common too. Basically if you have one thing, there’s a much higher chance of having another neurodivergency.

Also meant to mention, if you are in England or wales have a look at Tourette’s action. Specifically this page https://www.tourettes-action.org.uk/9-helpdesk.html. You can contact them via email or live chat and also arrange a call back. I’m not the biggest fan of Tourette’s action, as they don’t quite have a grasp of adults with Tourette’s and they’re a hell of a lot more supportive of children with Tourette’s or parents of children with Tourette’s. But it’s worth a try to contact them, you don’t need to have diagnosis of Tourette’s to contact them either.

if you are in Scotland, tourette scotland is bloody brilliant. Again not just for those with Tourette’s they support everyone with tics.

I'd be inclined to treat this as an issue of priorities.

My first priority would be to my children and in that respect whilst I'd be happy to be supportive of explaining why their father tics and being compassionate about this I'd be unable to get over his unwillingness to seek help and support.

Ultimately as parents I think we have a duty of care to our children (and also to our spouse) to do our best by them. Of course there are some health conditions that cannot be aliviated but a refusal to investigate the availability options would make me very sad/angry especially when it's impacting the wider family.

As pp's have suggested I'd move to the spare room asap a) to get some decent sleep b) to fire a shot over his bow that the current situation is untenable.

I'd be clear that moving to the spare room is simply step 1 and not a long term solution. He's got a month to start to get help/support and if he doesn't then the next step is to look at separating.

Being supportive in a situation where he is doing the best he can for himself is on thing, it's quite another to expect the family to deal with his tics when he won't seek help or even discuss the matter.

My thoughts exactly. Sounds like he's choosing to do this, not subject to an involuntary condition. That, on top of what OP said about him not being interested in her or supportive, and the refusing to get help or even discuss it, makes me think this marriage is dead in the water.

Edit - okay, reading further I see he may be suppressing it in public, sometimes, but it still sounds like the marriage is over, for various reasons.

Good post.

@Doggonames thank you for sharing that. I imagine living alone it could get pretty intense. When I leave the room I hear DH going for it very quickly, like he's been holding back. I imagine if DH lived alone he'd be ticking all the time.

Were you tics in response to negative thoughts or anxieties?

I think it's what he says that's most upsetting or troubling. It's self hatred stuff. I wish he would believe he could try to get to the root cause of that. He told me he would like to "solve it" but doesn't want medication and doesn't want to talk about personal things and also believes it wouldn't work anyway so he's given up on it before even starting.

But because this is a man we’re talking about, the fact that he is unable to seek support and help for his condition is nothing short of selfish and abusive - no thought at all to the fact that the condition itself may be the very thing that’s stopping him, because he’s actually unable to do so.

My comments have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with his sex. He is making a conscious decision to not accept any help, seeking help I could understand and I have been there, its much easier to not do anything when everything seems hopeless or overwhelming.

He has someone in his corner who despite being severely effected by his behaviours , is still willing to try anything to get him some sort of help.
At the end of the day not getting help isn't making him happier or making his life easier. The status quo isn't a viable long term plan.