To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

Some people think I'm traumatising my kids but letting this continue. Other people describe tics as a neurological condition and i need to educate and support my kids to understand my husband's tics.

@NewYearNoFear You could do that but also if this is Tourettes, this can be a quite controllable condition for most people with medication OP- they might have the occasional tic but not necessarily many. So you needn't describe it to your children as if it's inevitable

No, not everyone with Tourettes has intrusive thoughts.

You can't educate your children about his condition because you don't 100% know what he actually has yet. You need to wait until you know for sure before you tell them it's Tourettes or anything about it.

It's rare for people to effectively develop Tourettes in middle age.

People with Tourette’s can suppress their tics, much like autistic masking and adhd masking. They build up so he’ll go full blown tic attack when he’s at home in his safe space. OP, I’d calmly talk to him about how you want to be supportive but he needs to meet you half way.

Does he still have the paranoia, OP?

Oh op that sounds really hard, I feel for you all. My partner has tourettes and he can suppress (most) of the verbal tics in public if he really needs to, he will then tend to do physical tics like excessive blinking. Anxiety and stressful situations do make them worse, and my partner also has some issues that I think if he saw the GP for, would be diagnosed as OCD.

It is a neurological issue and if he suppresses in public it will almost always lead to longer periods at home. He needs to see a GP, not sure what they will offer him but he cannot continue as he is for all of your families sake. Only you can decide if you want to leave him. I don't think there is any shame in deciding its not working for you and your children.

I didn't mean to come to the thread but no where else to turn. He said he will go to GP but hasn't called yet and I don't think he intends to.

He has since caught my cold and has been lying in bed shouting things." I hate myself. Ouch. Pain. Why. Go away. Utgggggggghhh" . Some of it sounds like tics but some of it just very loud groans. All the whole I'm trying to look after our v young kids. I know I sound like a cow but I had some serious infection and pelvic injuries from childbirth and I didn't make half the noise he's making right now when I was up with a tiny baby hobbling around. Also as I go up the stairs I swear the groans are louder. He's really shouting. I'm not doubting the tics but I do think there is also a psychological element to it sometimes. I'm naturally a bit stoic. He would say a bit of martry but I find the level of noise coming from his room totally OTT.

Do I sound unfair? I find it so hard to love with. I still am veering from feeling like a total cow to thinking I have to leave.

Our son has Tourettes - the Psychiatrist says to be diagnosed, they need verbal AND physical ticks to occur for at least 6 weeks in a year - not necessarily together. And yes they can cover their ticks for a period of time - eg at work. Then once home they suffer what he calls a Tic Attack where the tics just go mad.

You're not going to leave him because of his tics/tourettes/ocd/asd.

You're not a bad person

You're going to leave him because he won't get any help, he won't get medical help, he won't try to make the situation easier for you and the children, he doesn't want you to sleep separately, he simply wants things to continue as they are

No change is TOTALLY unacceptable so you have to take the children and leave..... divorce him and protect your own and your children's MH

You can't let things continue as they are because it's unfair to you and the children

The kids are in bed and he has left his door wide open as he shouts stuff in some sort of fever or frenzy. The kids trying to sleep in rooms opposite. I've gone and shut the door and told them daddy is having a funny dream. They're OK. They're v young and just keep saying dads being noisy. Im sat here thinking imagine if we split and I wasn't here and this was the situation - would they be scared? He seems so so unconcerned about any of us. I worry what will happen when he has the kids alone. When I'm unwell or feeling anxious I'm able to manage it or I try to do something to alleviate it or I don't know - show some effort or awareness that I have young children who depend on me. Im sure if I spoke to a mental health charity they'd say I'm being awful.

@Worriedaboutleaving by that definition then he has tourettes. I'm sorry if I'm sounding uncaring. As @Bestyearever2024 says the frustration is from the lack of action or effort - also the worse his MH, the worse the tics and the more he ignores me or is mean to me. It's all going in the wrong direction and has been for some time

You're not uncaring @NewYearNoFear.
Your priority is your dc and you.
It worries me at times on here when someone is told to accept and forgive and allow any form of behaviour whether from a partner, parent or even a child because of 'x' therefore you have to or you're a terrible person. Especially when it's like you op and he's not taking any responsibility or accepting help.

Thank you for saying that. I'm late 30s but feel and look after 65 these days. The strain of stressful job, preschool kids and an unwell and at times nasty husband has worn me down. Find the thought of leaving heart breaking for him, for the kids but also struggle to find the energy or clear head space to think what I'd need to do. So I trundle along. But I've got to do something.

It is unacceptable that he wont control his groaning & moaning, the kids are in bed, its not Tourettes, its the "Dressing gown of doom" syndrome.
He is selfish and still hasn't made a call to see GP.
You cannot forfeit your whole life for someone who wont do the minimum to get help & simply doesn't care about the fallout

Maybe he just isn't mentally able to understand what this is like for someone without tourettes to live with. This is his normal after all.

@NewYearNoFear I think you need to think of the effect this will eventually have on your kids.

There's a pattern now where he (thinks he) can express himself as over-the-top as he wants at home, when there are children around.

That's not ok.

You need to lay it on the line OP. And if he doesn't get help at the start of next week (he can call first thing and ask for an emergency appointment because of the effect this is having on his family) then I would try calling an ambulance when he has one of these 'episodes.' Call his 'bluff.' He thinks home is his private primal scream therapy retreat or something, when you and the children live there.

If an ambulance came when he did it, he might stop doing it so much. Or at least, would get a proper assessment and treatment plan. Or you could call 111 for some other help when he does it.

Mental health professionals wouldn't think you were awful at all. He is undiagnosed, untreated, appears to lack insight, and is putting the children at risk of emotional (at least) harm. I'd be looking at safeguarding procedures if you weren't concerned.

I don't know @WhatTheFuk I called a GP once after we had a big row and he started crying and saying all this paranoid stuff about the way the world worked, so I called the GP and she said lots of people have delusional thoughts and it's up to him if he wants help but she seemed very unbotherd. So calling them up and saying he shouts out, tics, talks to himself and groans - I can't see anyone caring. But I care. I guess that's the point. I don't want to live like this. I don't want the kids to either. I don't think he's a danger but I do think he's vulnerable and that makes it even harder to leave.

I like to think that if you tell them the stuff he's saying and doing in front of your kids, things about himself etc that the kids are repeating, they'd be concerned.

He really doesn't sound fun OP. If he's getting paranoid sometimes when under stress, that's probably not tourette's, that something else instead (or as well.)

No @porridgeisbae you are right. Its not fun. If he left me I'd feel relieved. I know I would. But DC do love him and he can be fun with them, play fighting and being silly, but deep down there are some serious issues. DC too young to grasp it but I worry by the time they're older and DH still same I'm going to feel guilty I didn't do something now.

YouTube was the means of "contagion", not the medium by which it was reported.

https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/145/2/476/6356504 in case anyone finds it interesting.

Yes, the earlier you leave the better it is on DC IMHO. As they will adjust more quickly.

I mean, what if they started not just copying the words/actions, but thinking that the sentiments behind them are how they're supposed to feel about the world/themselves?

A year ago to the day my partner left me after years of mental health issues. I kept putting off getting help, saying it was fine I was dealing with it, I would have a few good weeks and think I was cured and then I would spiral back out of control. It was actually the best thing he could of done for me, it woke me up to myself and I sought the help I needed, I've stuck to the medication and continue to work on the things I have to. I'm not saying everything is perfect because it's not, I still have rough days but they are further apart and don't last as long.

We are back together and I love him for having the strength to do what he did to help me. It hurt so much at the time and I felt like he abandoned me but after lots of therapy I see why he left.

We have a lot of ocd in our family sounds like ocd intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviour. Read ocd uk website speak to your doctor (another dr than the one you spoke to). Anti depressants help ocd as help reduce the compulsive urges.
unfort ocd can be heredity so worth keeping an eye on your kids.

@AussieMum135 Well done <3 xx

Can I add pl I don’t think tourrets as he controls things in public - I think he is having ocd thoughts which Bt is trying to get relief from by saying them compulsively out loud. If you have a local NHS Mind unit call them as you / he can self refer - I did this and had 3yrs of nhs ocd therapy.

How are things now, @NewYearNoFear