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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is dating someone my age

183 replies

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:38

New girlfriend & I are both early 30s, & we both have young children. DF is in his mid 50s. I know it is none of my business but it’s really knocked me for six and made me feel a bit… ew. Not much I can do anyway but… AIBU to feel this way? (My mother and all previous girlfriends have been much closer to his age or older.)

OP posts:
tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:09

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 23:01

@tiredmama23 i apologise. I don’t mean to offend, it just seems unconventional and not the norm I suppose is what I was getting at. But you’re right every family is different and every child is a blessing!

Edited

Maybe it is unconventional and not the norm. What exactly constitutes "normal" in a family these days anyway?

I had my eldest at 21, she is now 17. A few years before that in my late teens my dad was widowed because my mum died and he met his now partner, who just happened to be closer to my age. It followed that at only 24 when they met, my dads partner wanted kids of her own and so they had 2 after my eldest was born. My dad wasn't exactly ancient to be fathering more kids in his 40s after all. So it follows that those kids are my kids' younger uncles because of birth order; but ultimately, does it matter what label is applied to it? Obviously my now 17 year old doesn't call them "Uncle (name)" because that would be weird for her. Like I say, they've grown up more like cousins.

But ultimately we are a close knit family and we love each other. So I don't care how "Jeremy Kyle" people think we are tbh.

girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 23:14

Technonan · 31/12/2023 20:12

I was 30 when I met and married my second husband. He was 50. We both had bad marriages in our past. We got married because we loved each other. We were together for 40 years. He died four years ago and I'm still heartbroken. There's nothing 'ew' or 'gross' about it. Be happy for your father.

Absolutely aren't people just awful and narrow minded.
Surely the main concern is that fathers happy it seems not though its all about them and what they want.

Animalloveruropiniondntmatter · 31/12/2023 23:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 23:16

@FrostyFlo dont!! I don’t know a thing about her. That would be awful. 🤣

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 23:16

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 21:48

Lench · Today 21:26

that is gross.

OP is this man's daughter and was there for, well, about 30 years before her dear Dad met this much younger woman.

Just because he has decided he is an handsome silver fox doesnt mean his existing relationships with his family no longer matter,nor that OP should ignore all her feelings in favour of her Dad's midlife crisis relationship.

What about what the father might think of his daughters choices?

Louise303 · 31/12/2023 23:16

I would find it hard if it was my dad and as you said you share a birth year so it is weird. I wonder what her dad thinks? and if your dad would feel okay dating someone his age.

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:19

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 22:46

@Illbebythesea sounds a bit of a dirty old man to me!

Jesus. The worlds gone mad. Man in his 50s dates woman in her 30s = dirty old man. You'd think it was a 50 year old with a teenager the way you're going on 🙄

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 23:21

girlfriend44 · Today 23:16 we are never going to agree I can see. But I am of the school of thought that when your own child is growing up the parent is responsible for the child and the parents choices should not materially prejudice the wellbeing of the child.

Once the child is in their 30s I agree that the parent might not "approve" of the childs choices and (in extreme situations) the parent might distance themselves from the child because of the childs choices.

But that is not what we are talking about on this thread is it??? This thread is about the parents life choices (dating someone exactly the same age as his own daughter). It is not about the daughters life choices is it?

I also happen to take a dim view of a parent at any stage of life who reacts to their child (whatever age their child is) by saying to their child "Child you were mean to me because you don't like my girlfriend so I am going to be mean to you" or some such........

dottypotter · 31/12/2023 23:21

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 22:30

OP whatever happens karma will come in one form or another and whatever that looks like

  • his girlfriend will have his kids and have to raise them largely on her own because your Dad is so much older / will have less energy to be hands on
  • his girlfriend will give her "best years" to someone much older
  • statistics prove large age gap relationships have diminishing satisfaction (especially for the younger partner) from year 6 and dramatically so from year 10 onwards. She will have to deal with that
  • his girlfriend should show you proper respect and if she doesn't I would not feel guilty about totally separating your life from your Dad's life. He is entitled to do what he wants but everyone else is entitled to behave the way they want to too,just because he is your Dad does not mean that you yourself are not an adult who is entitled to have your own feelings about the relationship.

Load of rubbish . I know folks in age gap relationships and they've been together a long time and seem more happy.

SleepingBeautySnores · 31/12/2023 23:22

I think the reason that a father dating a person the same age as his child gives us the ick, is that deep down it gives you the feeling that he wants to have sex with a child. Of course he's not actually doing this, he's having sex with an adult woman, but because they're the same age as his child, it just feels really wrong. Hope that makes sense to someone out there?

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 23:25

Interesting about whwt her father might think… hadn’t considered that!

OP posts:
tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:26

SleepingBeautySnores · 31/12/2023 23:22

I think the reason that a father dating a person the same age as his child gives us the ick, is that deep down it gives you the feeling that he wants to have sex with a child. Of course he's not actually doing this, he's having sex with an adult woman, but because they're the same age as his child, it just feels really wrong. Hope that makes sense to someone out there?

As someone who's father dated someone only 6 years older than me (and 19 years younger than him), I can confidently say that no, this is not what I personally felt. Not at all. If I believed that my father had wanted to have sex with a child I'd have believed he was a dangerous paedophile. And if I believed that about him, I'd have cut ties with him long ago. So no, I have first hand experience of this situation and I cannot relate to this analogy at all.

Farwell · 31/12/2023 23:29

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 22:46

@Illbebythesea sounds a bit of a dirty old man to me!

And you sound like a child. Ageist to boot.
People in their 50s are not old. And dating another consenting adult is not dirty.

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:31

@Farwell thank god for you, was stating to think I'd entered a parallel universe with these ridiculous comments about 2 consenting adults in a relationship 🤯

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:32

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 23:25

Interesting about whwt her father might think… hadn’t considered that!

He probably just minds his own business about his adult daughter's life 🤔

Anonymoususe · 31/12/2023 23:37

what would your dad say if you started dating somebody his age?

Nannyfannybanny · 31/12/2023 23:41

Christ, people think it's normal and ok for celebrities in their 50 to have babies. Same sex marriage and relationships are quite normal now,yet MN is obsessed with age. I know a really attractive young woman with a husband of 70, she absolutely adores him. All this rubbish,he's a pervert,mid life crisis. Grown women getting the "ick", seriously,you feel nauseous,at an 18 year age gap. Wonder what folk would say if the boot was on the other foot! None of your business who your parents date. I'm just 7 years older than my DH,who was 12 when I got married to my first H. (I didn't know him then) he's only 13 years older than my DD, my youngest DD is a year older than my oldest DGS, we've been together 35 years, everyone gets on great, nobody cares about age.

Luna02 · 31/12/2023 23:48

I think my opinion probably doesn’t count as I lost my dad when he was 2 so I can’t really imagine this scenario. I can only imagine from dating an older man being in my 30’s, which I think would be fine. Might get annoying for her soon if he starts aging. It’s only about 20years difference which I think is still acceptable, if she was like 19 that would be very shocking.

Dogknowsbest · 01/01/2024 00:05

FoggyCrumpet · 31/12/2023 22:39

I probably wouldn't say it in private.
For instance if she's say, a year older than you how much more fun to be had saying things like "1990 - what world events were happening then? Oh yes, Suzy was born. LOL. I was just a twinkle in his eye then."

Or do what my DD loves to do - ask questions like "was the food really awful during the war?" (She knows perfectly well I'm not that old obviously). All through the last episode of The Crown we watched together "What did you do to celebrate on VE Day?" "Did you do the jitterbug?"

She just does it to be silly and makes me laugh but then I'm not dating someone the same age as her.

Show quote history

Really?? That's just really juvenile.

Sometimes these relationships work because the couple are just genuinely compatible. At least suspend judgement until you know her.

I recently met a 60 year old physicist with a really attractive, 40 year old, wife who also had a PhD. I can't imagine either of them with anyone else.

SleepingBeautySnores · 01/01/2024 00:32

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 23:26

As someone who's father dated someone only 6 years older than me (and 19 years younger than him), I can confidently say that no, this is not what I personally felt. Not at all. If I believed that my father had wanted to have sex with a child I'd have believed he was a dangerous paedophile. And if I believed that about him, I'd have cut ties with him long ago. So no, I have first hand experience of this situation and I cannot relate to this analogy at all.

Show quote history

Sorry 'tiredMama23' I don't think you've really understood what I meant. Obviously as an adult woman, you know that your DF IS NOT a paedophile, but subconsciously, that's why it seems so weird.

Creu · 01/01/2024 01:12

This is so pathetic. Two consenting adults. As long as they are happy what does it matter?!

VoiceOfCommonSense · 01/01/2024 07:45

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:38

New girlfriend & I are both early 30s, & we both have young children. DF is in his mid 50s. I know it is none of my business but it’s really knocked me for six and made me feel a bit… ew. Not much I can do anyway but… AIBU to feel this way? (My mother and all previous girlfriends have been much closer to his age or older.)

It’s fine. She will wear him out eventually or get tired of him not being able to keep up 🤣Let him have a bit of fun. Sounds like a midlife crisis..

Torchdino · 01/01/2024 07:50

I'd find it weird too, sure he can do as he pleases just as you can feel how you feel about it! I suspect even if you said something he wouldn't be bothered and would likely actually feel pretty pleased with himself that he'd managed to bag a younger model (ew).

tiredmama23 · 01/01/2024 08:52

@SleepingBeautySnores

I understand perfectly. And I know what subconsciously means. And still - no, even subconsciously this is not how I perceive the situation with my own father and his partner.

OhamIreally · 01/01/2024 10:07

I think from a woman's perspective there is this feeling that the man always gets the best deal.

He gets to have all the firsts with his same age wife, then moves on to someone with a young firm body. Meanwhile he ages, retires and has this much younger woman to care for him.

In this situation when you're the woman you're in one of two camps- the older woman (possibly discarded) whom men your age don't want to date as they're looking for younger women, or the younger woman with a much older man who will start to have health issues, erectile dysfunction and will require care.

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