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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is dating someone my age

183 replies

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:38

New girlfriend & I are both early 30s, & we both have young children. DF is in his mid 50s. I know it is none of my business but it’s really knocked me for six and made me feel a bit… ew. Not much I can do anyway but… AIBU to feel this way? (My mother and all previous girlfriends have been much closer to his age or older.)

OP posts:
millymog11 · 31/12/2023 21:44

Not read the whole thread but Flowers to OP.

I do think as I go through life that when men are younger (20s and 30s etc) some of them look at much older men going for much younger women and think "gross" themselves but purely because they feel those older men are trying to "fish in their pond".
And low and behold those same men, when their first marriage breaks down are suddenly retrieving those situations from their memory and think Im going to have a go myself now.

In other words it is totally acceptable amongst men than they can go for much much younger women when they get older and they are all complicit because they want to have a go themselves when they get older.

I do agree with others tho that if you say something to your Dad he will probably take the girlfriends side over your view as horrible as that is.

EmporiumHawkins · 31/12/2023 21:45

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 21:42

@EmporiumHawkins do I even need to answer this question? I think the reasons would be fairly obvious.

if age gap relationships were very low numbers etc but then you have eg cher, and others etc with age gaps and these days it seems more common, then you have cougar women who prefer age gaps themselves, i can understand the "yuk" view that some people have.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 21:46

@EmporiumHawkins bit different when it’s your dad though.

OP posts:
EmporiumHawkins · 31/12/2023 21:47

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 21:46

@EmporiumHawkins bit different when it’s your dad though.

true, that i can understand, fair points

ClareBlue · 31/12/2023 21:47

OP did your dad ever warn you about not dating older men who were only after one thing when you were young or have opinions on your relationships.

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 21:48

Lench · Today 21:26

that is gross.

OP is this man's daughter and was there for, well, about 30 years before her dear Dad met this much younger woman.

Just because he has decided he is an handsome silver fox doesnt mean his existing relationships with his family no longer matter,nor that OP should ignore all her feelings in favour of her Dad's midlife crisis relationship.

Supergirl1958 · 31/12/2023 21:49

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 21:41

@Supergirl1958

Id also come from the angle that, do you expect your dad to remain celibate and single for the rest of his life?

No, I’d just prefer him to be not single and not celibate with someone not my age! 😆

Logical 🙄

I can see the way this post is going, if someone agrees with you and says it’s weird then you’re all for it, if they disagree despite backing it up with relevant life experiences then it’s not ok. FWIW my dsis’ partner has a daughter her age, and they are making his life a misery (despite the fact he hasn’t officially told them but they know he’s been seeing someone) and I just can’t stand how they are making him feel. Refusing to buy him presents on special occasions like his birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas obvs! The man who raised them and gave them a roof over their heads! All because he’s chosen to move on! It’s awful!!

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 21:53

OP the only thing I would suggest is, if you do decide to say something to your Dad about it, instead of saying it gives you the ick because you and his girlfriend were born in the exact same year, you could say something like "I'm glad you have found someone so young because it means you will always have someone to look after you until you die as your girlfriend is so young".
Then distance yourself from any responsibilities you might have to look after your Dad and make it clear that the girlfriends youth means she is signing up for the rest of your Dad's life.

That might get a reaction out of him (or her) but either way it means you can put your feet up and not worry about who looks after him when he gets old and senile.

Fannyfiggs · 31/12/2023 21:54

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 21:31

@Fannyfiggs as previously mentioned, it is not the age gap I have issue with. It is the fact she is my age. My dad is dating someone who was born the year I was… is the issue!

I think you have two options, tell your dad you have an issue and deal with any fall out from that. Or say nothing and find another way to get to grips with how you feel about it.

ClareBlue · 31/12/2023 21:55

OP has never said she would cause issues or create difficulties. Just said she finds it weird. Which it is.
The amount of men who wouldn't want it for their daughter but have no problem doing it with someone elses daughter.
And this isn't about age gap relationships per se, it's about how a daughter feels about the choices her dad has made.
I know 3 women in the same situation who feel exactly the same but haven't caused some major rift. They just feel it's weird and look at their dads differently.

Ironingpile · 31/12/2023 21:56

I feel for you OP. Whilst age gaps don’t bother me…it would bother me if they were born in the same year as me.

However, no good can come of saying anything. But yes, it would give me the ick.

CuriouslyMinded · 31/12/2023 21:59

There is a 20 year age gap between me and my DP, I am very close to his daughter's age, and she hated it, but her obvious disapproval did nothing but make things awkward. We're still together and now have a 1yr old daughter, and we're happy. Honestly, I get where you're coming from but you have your life to lead and he has his. It would probably be best for all of you if you keep your negative feelings about this to yourself until/unless his partner gives you cause (besides her age) to complain.

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 22:01

Going against the grain here, but I wouldn’t care. She’s in her 30s, a grown woman like you. She’s not a naive 18-year-old. It’s not particularly weird for a woman in her 30s to find an older man attractive. Before I met DP (who is eight years older than me) I dated three men 15-20 years older than me. I didn’t set out looking for an older man and none of them were wealthy - one earned less than I did. I didn’t meet them online, either. They were all people I met through normal daily life and just clicked with.

pizzaHeart · 31/12/2023 22:03

I agree with you, OP. Age gap could be big but when it’s someone who is literally the same age as you it feels weird.
however I think @5128gap gave the perfect advice - say nothing.

Justosaythis · 31/12/2023 22:04

FWIW my dsis’ partner has a daughter her age, and they are making his life a misery (despite the fact he hasn’t officially told them but they know he’s been seeing someone) and I just can’t stand how they are making him feel. Refusing to buy him presents on special occasions like his birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas obvs! The man who raised them and gave them a roof over their heads! All because he’s chosen to move on! It’s awful!!

I assume you haven’t heard it from their POV. And you don’t know how he treated his children’s mum and their history etc…There’s two sides to every story. You’ve heard everything from your sister/the partner’s perspective.

85% here have voted YANBU you can see it’s very common for people to feel grossed out by their dad with a woman their age. It’s really not unreasonable if his family are uncomfortable. It can adversely impact family relationships which is partly why some men would choose not to date a woman their kids age.

OP, I also voted YANBU. Your dad may not want to listen but IMO you’re perfectly entitled to express your opinions so at least you can say you did share how you feel. Equally if you choose not to say anything that’s understandable too but your feelings are valid.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/12/2023 22:06

I wouldn't say anything that criticises him for this however it's a bit daft to expect it's not going to come up in some way or another. I can't internalise why it grosses some people out, but it does. I'd say it's more 'gross' his girlfriend finding an old guy attractive (assuming of course that it's gross at all). Do you enjoy your dad's company? Do you feel immature when you're conversing? Why shouldn't she feel similar?
You don't specify your gender but it's worth remembering some people feel a bit like this about same sex or interactional relationships. I have some 'things' that l find icky but l try to keep them to myself and treat people fairly. Just do that.

LlynTegid · 31/12/2023 22:07

I just hope he is treating the younger woman with more respect than at least one 50 something man I can think of, who has 'buyer's remorse'.

That does not diminish the validity of your feelings OP.

Crawlfish · 31/12/2023 22:08

My dad is 65 and his wife is 35 - 2 years younger than me. They live in America so I don't see them much, but honestly it doesn't bother me. It might do if she was a horrible person but she's lovely,and I'm pleased that my dad is happy. It probably helps that he looks young for his age and she looks older than she is, but I've never understood the issues with age gaps anyway. I've dated someone 20 years older than me and my DH is 8 years younger. As long as everyone is happy and no one is getting hurt, what's the issue?

Devilsmommy · 31/12/2023 22:08

I met and married my husband when I was 36 and he was 54. He has a son who's 27 who is absolutely fine with our relationship. It's not that weird really, only in your head

0MammaBear0 · 31/12/2023 22:10

Well it's his life and they're both adults. If you say anything you might damage your relationship, I don't think it would be worth it. Why don't you try to be friends with her and have your children grow and play together instead? As time passes you'll get more used to it

User1789 · 31/12/2023 22:12

Yes it is a bit weird OP, and I feel for you.

When I was 26, my best friend had a brief relationship with a man who was 52. Incidently, the same age as my mother at the time and literally twice our age. (My mother spat blood at the news of this relationship fwiw).

One of the sticking points in the relationship was that he had children the same age as us, and he was very heavily involved in their lives and had very strong opinions on the direction his young adult children's lives were going in. And he had much higher expectations for his children's lives, than he did his girlfriend who was half his age who he was oddly demanding of... It all got far too weird and the situation mercifully ended.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:14

I’m not going to say anything… purely because I don’t think it will achieve anything. It is what it is.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 31/12/2023 22:17

He's thinking with his dick.

It's out of your hands .......

So to speak.

Leave him to it, she'll get bored.

RachelGreep87 · 31/12/2023 22:22

This could be your new sister, be kind

ClareBlue · 31/12/2023 22:23

RachelGreep87 · 31/12/2023 22:22

This could be your new sister, be kind

Step mummy, not sister