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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is dating someone my age

183 replies

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:38

New girlfriend & I are both early 30s, & we both have young children. DF is in his mid 50s. I know it is none of my business but it’s really knocked me for six and made me feel a bit… ew. Not much I can do anyway but… AIBU to feel this way? (My mother and all previous girlfriends have been much closer to his age or older.)

OP posts:
Technonan · 31/12/2023 20:12

I was 30 when I met and married my second husband. He was 50. We both had bad marriages in our past. We got married because we loved each other. We were together for 40 years. He died four years ago and I'm still heartbroken. There's nothing 'ew' or 'gross' about it. Be happy for your father.

PeggyPoggleshaw · 31/12/2023 20:13

Being his daughter you have every right to have an opinion on it, but ultimately it's their decision and their lives. You'd be better to try to get used to it rather than let it eat away at you.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:13

@VanLife33 we get on well and are very close and whilst he might respect my opinion I think he will always do what he wants to ultimately

OP posts:
Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:14

@Technonan I’m sorry for your loss, did you have children? Have were they about the age difference?

OP posts:
Arthurnewyorkcity · 31/12/2023 20:14

The woman isn't 18. I couldn't get worked up about this. Yes I'd find it difficult and not want to go for coffee altogether but I'd be happy for my dad and await its likely end. It probably won't last. At the end of the day, they're 2 consenting adults who must be happy together. Your opinion is irrelevant unless the women causes family issues or is horrible to your dad. Just be happy for him

catotangent · 31/12/2023 20:15

That's really grim 🤢

PeggyPoggleshaw · 31/12/2023 20:15

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:13

@VanLife33 we get on well and are very close and whilst he might respect my opinion I think he will always do what he wants to ultimately

And so he should.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:15

@Arthurnewyorkcity so you’d be happy but not want to ever socialise with them as a couple? 😂 that seems the opposite of happy for them.

OP posts:
PeggyPoggleshaw · 31/12/2023 20:15

catotangent · 31/12/2023 20:15

That's really grim 🤢

Why?

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:19

@PeggyPoggleshaw well I suppose that’s a matter of a opinion. I think when you have children there are unwritten expectations, one of which is that your parents don’t date someone the same age as you!

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 31/12/2023 20:20

I get what you mean! I too could be the girlfriend! My boss who is 50 thinks he can have me, I am early 30s and his daughter is similar age to me, we all work together, he is yet to get the hint!!

5128gap · 31/12/2023 20:21

There's no point in saying anything. He's not going to end the relationship because you don't like it. He's not going to be able to say anything about the relationship that's going to make you feel better about it, probably the opposite as he'll spout some cliches about her being mature and/or him being younger than other men his age etc, so the conversation will serve only to upset and/or offend you both.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 31/12/2023 20:21

@Goodlard And they're both adults, he's not shagging a teenager. Early 30s is an adult

PriOn1 · 31/12/2023 20:22

Your feelings are natural, OP.

whosaidtha · 31/12/2023 20:23

My dads gf is my age. Don't feel weird about it. She's nice but not my type of person. She comes across as older I think. The only weird thing would be if they had kids and I had a sibling with a 34 year age gap.

coffeeaddict77 · 31/12/2023 20:24

YABU. She is in her 30s so definitely an adult. Not that huge an age gap and if he is handsome not that surprising.

anonimityhelps · 31/12/2023 20:26

Hi, name changed to comment here. I'm 36, my dad's gf is 33 and has a child younger than my DD. Used to think my dad was a reasonable great guy. To be honest, now I think he's a seedy pervert. Reeks of midlife crisis. He also wants more kids. Thinks it's natures way. Refuses to date women of his own age because they're past it. What an absolute prick.

Not too sure why I'm posting but safety in numbers. It knocked me too. All your feelings are valid here.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:26

@5128gap this is actually wonderful advice. I will say nothing… nothing I do say will end with me feeling better about the situation so best let sleeping dogs lie! Thank you.

OP posts:
Richardbluebauble · 31/12/2023 20:26

Mine left my mum of 50 years marriage last year for someone my age. My younger siblings have found the age difference disgusting, I was more about having an affair is wrong. On a personal note I couldn't date someone my child's age, it doesn't feel right to me but each to their own.

anonimityhelps · 31/12/2023 20:27

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:47

Am I allowed to say it’s weird to him? Or should i say nothing? 😬

Say what you want. Say it kindly.

I've said what I think. It's not helped our relationship.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:28

Thanks @anonimityhelps and sorry about your dad, it really does change your perception of them.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 31/12/2023 20:28

The thing is. Feelings of ick and gross are quite strong because we’ve evolved them to avoid serious harm. They are around things that are dangerous in our evolution eg contamination of food.

ick or gross around a relationship is usually when it is too close to incest or paedophilia. It’s a really normal reaction. As a daughter you don’t want your own father to be interested sexually in your own age group. As it’s too close to a boundary which is a fairly healthy one to have and not cross.

It also is wrong in so many ways because your Dad is choosing to have this relationship when if he is handsome he could get a beautiful woman bearer ha own age. Love is a choice and he’s chosen a woman his daughters age and it’s sad because he obviously doesn’t really care that this is bound to be uncomfortable for both his daughter and his new wife.

bitterchange · 31/12/2023 20:29

That must be so difficult as he's your boss @Hibye23289

I've had attention from two different men over 20 years older recently - in the past few weeks for some reason. I don't know why they think I'd be interested. One is my dad's age. I've cut contact with one and am positively frosty to the one I must still see on occasion. It makes me really cross.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:31

@SingleMum11 nail on the head. Thank you!

OP posts:
Forgotmylogindetails · 31/12/2023 20:34

So is my dad…

she’s actually really sweet if a bit of a drip.

they seem happy enough , not sure how I’d feel if they have a child that would be really wierd.