Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad is dating someone my age

183 replies

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:38

New girlfriend & I are both early 30s, & we both have young children. DF is in his mid 50s. I know it is none of my business but it’s really knocked me for six and made me feel a bit… ew. Not much I can do anyway but… AIBU to feel this way? (My mother and all previous girlfriends have been much closer to his age or older.)

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 31/12/2023 22:24

All these people thinking it's ick and ew and gross... jeez at best you must lead very genteel sheltered lives out in the villages, at worst makes you sound like you're clutching your pearls.

millymog11 · 31/12/2023 22:30

OP whatever happens karma will come in one form or another and whatever that looks like

  • his girlfriend will have his kids and have to raise them largely on her own because your Dad is so much older / will have less energy to be hands on
  • his girlfriend will give her "best years" to someone much older
  • statistics prove large age gap relationships have diminishing satisfaction (especially for the younger partner) from year 6 and dramatically so from year 10 onwards. She will have to deal with that
  • his girlfriend should show you proper respect and if she doesn't I would not feel guilty about totally separating your life from your Dad's life. He is entitled to do what he wants but everyone else is entitled to behave the way they want to too,just because he is your Dad does not mean that you yourself are not an adult who is entitled to have your own feelings about the relationship.
Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 22:30

Gross.

I never understand women who date someone who is old enough to be their father and it makes the guy look like a pervert.

I completely understand how uncomfortable it makes you.

You don't have to agree with your father's choices.

I would make it clear to him you think it is rather silly of him and that you have no interest in getting to know that woman.

Also if he has a endless conveyor belt of girlfriends rather than a steady relationship you might also want to say to him that you will only agree to meet a partner that he has been with for a while and is committed to.

He is perfectly entitled to date but equally you are allowed not to want to be too involved in his dating life.

Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 22:33

@alwaysmovingforwards

''All these people thinking it's ick and ew and gross... jeez at best you must lead very genteel sheltered lives out in the villages, at worst makes you sound like you're clutching your pearls.''

Nope. I think it is perfectly normal to say that men who date women young enough to be their daughters are rather creepy.

FoggyCrumpet · 31/12/2023 22:39

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 19:47

Am I allowed to say it’s weird to him? Or should i say nothing? 😬

I probably wouldn't say it in private.
For instance if she's say, a year older than you how much more fun to be had saying things like "1990 - what world events were happening then? Oh yes, Suzy was born. LOL. I was just a twinkle in his eye then."

Or do what my DD loves to do - ask questions like "was the food really awful during the war?" (She knows perfectly well I'm not that old obviously). All through the last episode of The Crown we watched together "What did you do to celebrate on VE Day?" "Did you do the jitterbug?"

She just does it to be silly and makes me laugh but then I'm not dating someone the same age as her.

KeepTrying0 · 31/12/2023 22:40

This is probably kind of a harsh way of looking at it, but at least if he gets dementia when he is older then he will have a sprightly young wife to look after him. That could really make your life very much easier. Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm meant to think that out loud.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:42

Step mummy 😂 this is it! She could potentially end up being my step mum who is… possibly younger than me?! It’s a bit Jeremy Kyle… isn’t it? My kids being older than their niece/nephew. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:43

Sorry my kids being older than their uncle/aunty! God. It is weird! She has kids hoping she doesn’t want more 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:44

@KeepTrying0 this is a fair point and one I will take solace from!

OP posts:
millymog11 · 31/12/2023 22:45

Illbebythesea · Today 22:42 how do you think she would react if, next time you see her, you say "You don't mind if I call you Mum do you?".
Hell if you are making afternoon tea you could say "You will be Mum and pour the tea won't you"

That should stir things up a bit!!!

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 22:46

@Illbebythesea sounds a bit of a dirty old man to me!

girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 22:46

Goodlard · 31/12/2023 20:03

Because the girlfriend is the same age as his daughter? It said it in the first post.

Show quote history

So as long as the dads happy why should it matter. Love is live and age is just a number.

Why make life hard for people by commenting on their business?

dottypotter · 31/12/2023 22:50

Startingagainandagain · 31/12/2023 22:30

Gross.

I never understand women who date someone who is old enough to be their father and it makes the guy look like a pervert.

I completely understand how uncomfortable it makes you.

You don't have to agree with your father's choices.

I would make it clear to him you think it is rather silly of him and that you have no interest in getting to know that woman.

Also if he has a endless conveyor belt of girlfriends rather than a steady relationship you might also want to say to him that you will only agree to meet a partner that he has been with for a while and is committed to.

He is perfectly entitled to date but equally you are allowed not to want to be too involved in his dating life.

Perfect way to lose your father.

Would you like it if your father said that to you about your life partner/boyfriend.

Get to know the person rather than the age.
There is no guarantee if you meet someone the sane age that you'll stay together.

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 22:52

My dad is 63 and his partner of now 20 years is 44. I am 38. So, the maths shows you that when I was 18, my 43 year old dad had a 24 year old girlfriend - just 6 years older than me. Was I weirded out? Yes of course. Did I eventually move on and grow to accept the situation two decades later? I guess so. Ultimately, they're both adults 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:54

how do you think she would react if, next time you see her, you say "You don't mind if I call you Mum do you?"

hahaha 😂😂

OP posts:
tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 22:55

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:43

Sorry my kids being older than their uncle/aunty! God. It is weird! She has kids hoping she doesn’t want more 😂

This also happened to me - my eldest daughter was born before my dad and his partner's 2 children. So now my 17 year old has two "uncles" who are 16 and 12 (my half brothers). Obviously, she doesn't call them uncle because they've grown up as more like cousins.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:56

I will say nothing and meet her and see what she’s like. Hopefully I’m pleasantly surprised!?

OP posts:
millymog11 · 31/12/2023 22:56

"Perfect way to lose your father"

There is literally no obligation on children anywhere to approve of their own parents choices.

What your parents do is something you have zero control over.

They can date who they want but as their child you do not have to approve of or ultimately continue a relationship with a parent if you don't agree with the choices that parent has made.

The OP is in her 30s. She is not six years old or some such (and even if she were 6 she still does not have to like everything her Dad does).

tiredmama23 · 31/12/2023 22:59

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:42

Step mummy 😂 this is it! She could potentially end up being my step mum who is… possibly younger than me?! It’s a bit Jeremy Kyle… isn’t it? My kids being older than their niece/nephew. 😂

Honestly find this a little offensive given my eldest is older than my two half brothers. It's not "a bit Jeremy Kyle". It's life and families are complicated. Maybe think before you post things like this, that actually some people have this set up and find these comments offensive.

Original poster
Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 23:01

@tiredmama23 i apologise. I don’t mean to offend, it just seems unconventional and not the norm I suppose is what I was getting at. But you’re right every family is different and every child is a blessing!

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 31/12/2023 23:02

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 20:59

@Supergirl1958 but that is late 30s as opposed to early 30s potential 10 years difference. If she was 39 I would feel differently I think! Also.. you are coming at it from the opposite angle. The sibling of the younger member rather than the child of the older member… it is complicated. I hope she’s a nice woman.

I think by 30s it is life experience rather than age that matters. Some people have been "grown ups" since they were 19. I only started to feel like one at about 35 😂

Girlontherailreplacementbusservice · 31/12/2023 23:05

Good luck OP mine married his younger than me GF and had more kids. He barely has a relationship with me, my siblings or his grandchildren because neither he or his wife what to face the cold reality that he has a first family older than her.
It absolutely does give you the ick when you discover your parent is dating someone from your generation. I started to wonder if he fancied my friends then when I was in my 30s, my 20s, early? At uni? At school? I also felt really uncomfortable being out and about with him. Would people think I was his GF?

AuntMarch · 31/12/2023 23:05

Illbebythesea · 31/12/2023 22:43

Sorry my kids being older than their uncle/aunty! God. It is weird! She has kids hoping she doesn’t want more 😂

My gran was younger than her nephew.
It's not a new or hugely unusual thing to happen.

Radiodread · 31/12/2023 23:08

YANBU, watching parents choose to embody gender tropes (older man, much, much younger woman) is grim. Especially when you’re a female who is ultimately disadvantaged by this stuff. And especially when you are his daughter because how could he reinforce that nonsense and have a daughter, right?!?

FrostyFlo · 31/12/2023 23:08

Do you know her name , or have you seen a photo ?
Fingers crossed you were not in the same year at school ! 😱

Swipe left for the next trending thread