Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
Naptrappedmummy · 31/12/2023 18:38

YANBU. Same here - loads of time with grandparents growing up, spent full weekends with them quite regularly, my parents couldn’t be less interested in their grandkids and DP’s parents only want DC around on special occasions so they can get the photos for FB.

SpudleyLass · 31/12/2023 18:39

They're not obligated to care for them and you're not obligated to facilitate the relationship for them.

I have empathy - I do think our generation has been screwed over with this, but all you can do is accept the relationship on those terms.

Hoglet70 · 31/12/2023 18:40

They are your kids, not your parents kids so maybe your expectations are unreasonable. My parents worked full time when DS was small and so were no help at all. My Grandparents were in a different country so in turn my parents had no help.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2023 18:41

I'd stop sending them photos, and I wouldn't bother doing anything else, either. Their loss.

Motnight · 31/12/2023 18:42

How old are the grandparents, Op? I am in my 50s and shattered after a full week working.

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:42

Hoglet70 · 31/12/2023 18:40

They are your kids, not your parents kids so maybe your expectations are unreasonable. My parents worked full time when DS was small and so were no help at all. My Grandparents were in a different country so in turn my parents had no help.

No, it’s not unreasonable to expect your family members to care.

OP posts:
Naptrappedmummy · 31/12/2023 18:43

Op never said they’re obligated, she’s understandably venting that their interest in her kids is superficial and while they were happy to soak up grandparent support when she was little, they can’t be bothered themselves. Totally fine to have a moan, she isn’t suggesting changing the law or anything.

Æthelfled · 31/12/2023 18:44

If you spent most of your childhood with your grandparents that should have given you an indication that your parents don't like children and would make awful grandparents

OpalOrchid · 31/12/2023 18:44

If they still work full time I'm not sure you can expect lots of child care and outings.

Maireas · 31/12/2023 18:44

No generation has ever been "screwed over". That's victim talk and stupid to blame any specific generation. Some people are hands on grandparents, others are not. It varies even within generations.
My children never had grandparents. Nothing we could do about that. You just have to get on with being a decent parent.

Notmetoo · 31/12/2023 18:45

I am a GP and I provide support and when I look around the playground at pick up time I see plenty of other GPs. In my experience this generation of grandparents provide a lot of support.
I had no help from my parents or grandparents when my children were small nor did I expect any

JennyHumphrey · 31/12/2023 18:45

It still surprises me when my mum talks negatively about my kids going to nursery from 1 since she didn't send us, you don't know what's going on in there etc. But my grandmother looked after me so she never had to, whilst she chooses to work 7 days a week (and it truly is a choice).

I never expected childcare from her and always planned our children knowing we would have to pay for childcare so it doesn't piss me off that she doesn't have them. It does really piss me off that she seems to think she's done better than me because she didn't put us in nursery.

Maireas · 31/12/2023 18:45

@icelollybrolly have you had a conversation with them about the way you feel?

Catza · 31/12/2023 18:45

You grandma was older. She was probably retired and quite possibly didn’t have access to a lot of activities outside (or inside) the house. Looking after grandchildren was probably one of the few things she could do with her time.
Your parents both work. I don’t want to spend every weekend I have free with my family so why do you think a grandparent would?
My grandmother retired at 50. We spent a lot of time together. My mum is 65 and still works full time. And outside of work, she travels, goes to the gym and dinners with friends. And good on her.

Missingmyusername · 31/12/2023 18:46

Social media? Are they doom scrolling?

Mariposistaa · 31/12/2023 18:46

And let’s nit start with the being precious when the kids get colds or other illnesses and they get pushed away. My granny was never like that. If anything you got MORE love and cuddles not less when you were ill.
Fortunately my mum and MIL aren’t precious but some friends have real issues with this.

PonyPatter44 · 31/12/2023 18:46

It's not unreasonable to be sad that your family members don't want to step up. However, my grandparents were really OLD and never did anything with us beyond grumbling if we made a noise and my grandma occasionally took us to woolworths to get a small bag of pick & mix. So, I've never had that involved grandparents thing to compare my mother's involvement to. Plus we lived an hours drive away when I had DD and mum was still working full time.

Mariannas · 31/12/2023 18:47

When I was small my grandmother had been a housewife all of her adult life and so had time to take care of us.
however, I’m now a similar age and still working full time. So I don’t have time or the mental energy to take care of my GC as much as she did.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 31/12/2023 18:47

It’s not really a generation thing, it’s an individual thing. My own parents are excellent Grandparents. But some people have children and unfortunately then discover they don’t actually enjoy parenting or spending time with kids. I’m not particularly surprised that people who didn’t enjoy being hands on with their own children don’t want to be hands on a few decades later when they’re older and the kids aren’t even theirs.

It’s a shame for you, but some people genuinely don’t feel they’re missing out on anything by having a distant relationship with their grandchildren. All you can do is accept it and try to cultivate other relationships for your children. And stop sending photos if they’re just using them in ways that annoy you.

WWYDIYWMRN · 31/12/2023 18:47

Jesus...they don't owe you childcare. I saw my grandparents 2-3 times a year as neither were local. This meant I never (rightly ) expected anything from my parents. I paid for my childcare and spent the weekends looking after my own children.

ChristmasFanatic · 31/12/2023 18:48

Exactly the same here. Likes to spend money getting them gifts at Christmas but can't be bothered to see them. Always an excuse. Sad really.

Cattiwampus · 31/12/2023 18:48

So your parents are still working full time. And running their own home.
Presumably your grandma who was much older had retired?
When you were being looked after, did your mum micromanage your grandmother? Because that’s what a lot of us in our 60s are finding intolerable.
Elderly parents and demanding, fussy children whilst working full time.
Distancing means space to breathe.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/12/2023 18:49

Yanbu (in my opinion, I know others on here disagree that there is any obligation on grandparents to be involved) to be upset that they don't want to be very involved.

Yabu to write off a whole generation based on two shit examples. My parents are in their 70s and would help us whenever we asked

And yabu to compare your experience of grandparents when they were not working, to grandparents who work full time

DappledThings · 31/12/2023 18:49

Bit weird to call them a generation. Grandparents are all ages. My DC are 6 and 7 and have grandparents aged 71-78. They are all very involved despite my parents living 5 hours away.

There could easily be 30 years between grandparents of similar aged children so that would make them different generations to each other.

girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 18:49

Grandparents are not necessary. You can manage without them.

It is what it is, never a truer saying.

Be thankful for what you do have and all that.