This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

it’s funny to me :)

I don’t get the joke either. The comments are related to your thread which has the title “this generation of grandparents- vent with me”. From what you say your parents don’t show much interest at all, which is sad and you can’t do much about it but don’t speak for everyone else.

@icelollybrolly
" i don’t need to acknowledge comments on my thread that aren’t related to the thread though. half of it was boomers getting defensive and my parents aren’t even boomers anyway 😂"

Comments from boomers are related to your thread - your thread title says it all
"This generation of grandparents - vent with me please"
We are* *responding to this - you insulted all grandparents.

There’s no such thing as ‘this generation of grandparents’. That sentence is nonsensical.

Sadly the dynamic between parents & GPs can often be strained, especially with paternal GPs. It's natural for a mother to want to nurture her own parents relationship with her children over that of the paternal GPs. This doesn't mean the paternal GPs don't feel it & wish they were given the same considerstion, different if they don't wish lots of involvement. Dh & I decided we would treat both sides equally when it came to them spending time etc with their grandchildren & it worked well. It helped that everyone lived fairly close at least within 20 miles of each other. As far as help goes we could rely on both sides equally too. The ones who benefit most from this type of arrangement are the children.

The problem is that many men don’t bother nurturing a relationship with their own parents and their grandchildren. Should not automatically fall to the woman.

Very good point 👍

My DGPs were very invested in all their DGC and would fall over themselves to spend time with me.

My DF was an excellent DGF to my DS, actively involved in his life, taking him places and they had a wonderful relationship. My DM never looked after my DS once, barely asked about him but she did complain that I was leaving him with strangers (an expensive, highly regulated and very good kindergarten) so I could work. They didn't have a relationship at all.

As with all relationships you get what you put in.

Its sad that the grandparents are not interested. My DD is 11 and i rely on my parents a lot for childcare in the holidays. My lads have all left home but when they were young my mum used to take a week off work to have them in the school holidays.

I think it stems from when my brother and i were kids, my parents had no childcare as grandparents were miles away, and they struggled, they became very hands on grandparents.

My Ex's parents - bloody useless, only live 5 minutes round the corner and i doubt they would pick DD from a line up as they are genuinely not interested in her and had very limited interaction with the boys.

so i get what you are saying OP, it stings that they cant even pick the phone up or pop round to see their grandkids. Ex's sister on the other hand, her kids probably grew up thinking their mum was an aunty and grandparents were their actual parents as they were dumped with them all the time.

I can’t believe how entitled this generation of young ‘adults’ are and I use the term loosely.

I have to care for my grandchildren full time due to their parents’ incompetence and entitled attitude.

Ive lost my self worth, my career that is finally got off the ground (due to having my own children and actually having to bring them up myself) and my finances are in ruins.

stop thinking that the world revolves around you and start taking responsibility for your own children.

What on earth has your situation got to do with what @icelollybrolly said?

What jumped out for me there was the repeated swings between the words "grandparents" and "grandma" and your greater focus on what your mother does or doesn't do. That's how it often works out, isn't it - it's the female grandparent who ends up doing most of the hard work. Maybe some women just, eventually, at long last, decide they've had enough?

My DS’s are 17 and 24. I’ve worked full time since I was 17. DM gave up her part time job at 50 to look after DS1. She had him until he was 11 and loved it, they’re exceptionally close now. DS2 and my DN are only 6 months apart in age and she looked after them both (not together) got about 5 years.
I’m 53 now and still working full time so
won’t be able to help with childcare in
the week but I’ll definitely be up for some weekend babysitting and sleepovers when I eventually get some grandchildren. I can’t wait!!

What pension provision was made for your mother from the age of 50?

This is probably true in most cases but I had very hands on grandads, as do my DC in fact it's fair to say that when they had weekend sleepovers my girls DGF did the bulk of the childcare as it certainly wasn't my MIL getting up with them at 7am (she was always a night owl so not up early in mornings).

Also when I was a kid 40 years ago, my grabdads still worked so wouldn't have been available to provide childcare during the week, I assume most people would have been the same.

Those are only OP's rules because they are the recommendations from medical and health care professional for people caring for babies and young children to keep children safe.

Those recommendations weren't in place when OP was a baby/child so of course she would need to tell her parents.

If you would refuse to look after your DD's children if she asked you to follow these recommendations, does that mean that you don't follow the recommendation to cut up grapes for small children and you ignore the rules/recommendations for car seats, i.e. that you would be willing to put your grandchildren at risk because you refuse to be told about rules that have changed since your own children were small?

I don't know what happened to put you in that position where you have no choice but to care for your GCs full time, but you're making the same mistake as OP and demonising all of this generation of parents because of your experience of one set of parents.

I feel for parents that don't get help.

I'd love a grandchild, I would love to have a couple of days a week to help out and for sleepovers. I cannot wait. Unfortunately, unlikely for many years and I'm not getting any younger

My grandmother did a huge amount of childcare, weekends, afterschool care etc. My kids are now a little older and can be left at home alone, but I didn't get a huge amount of help from my parents either. When I look back now, though, I also wonder just how much help my grandmother wanted to offer - and if she missed out by always providing afterschool care? Sadly I can't ask her but I think my perspective has change a little, it did fall to our grandmothers who were the 'quiet generation' and yes, baby boomer women were much more likely to have careers so what we are looking back on is the impact of generational shifts, not just our parents being selfish grandparents.

When my kids were young I didn't feel quite so philosophical though, so I do get where you are coming from.... but you can't force it.

I always worked full time and paid for childcare and those of my children with children do the same. It would be back to the 1920s in this family to find a grandmother who didn't work (my own granny born 1899 was widowed at 30 so worked and died when I was 7 anyway). In fact even the 1899 one's mother was widowed twice so could not rely on men for money to support a family! May be that is why we are a line of strong women who are the ones who pay bills (and don't have time for childcare). I love my grandchildren very much but as I did not look after my own children in week as preferred working that has not changed with the grandchildren. However I am here if anyone needs anything - two adult children live at home; another is here today working from home (in my house); a fourth is coming to stay for the weekend this afternoon. We all find what works for us. My 5 have no student loan, went to private schools and had substantial help financially from me for a first property because I work full time which I would say giving them the ability to have high paid jobs (4 are solicitors, youngest 2 qualified last year) is just as helpful as if I didn't work and minded their children.

Gosh! It’s a long time since I wrote on this threadand we’ve moved on a bit from the OP.
But to claritlfy if any clarification is needed. The relationship between adult children and their parents when it comes to childcare has to be based on trust. My daughter trusts me with her children. I do not betray that trust.

If you are like this with your parents, I’m not surprised they’re not keen to spend time with you! You don’t like them, why do you want your children to spend time with them?

I'm in my 60s (still working) and I and most of my friends do 1-2 days a week childcare - because we enjoy it and to help reduce nursery costs for our kids. There are lots of grandparents at the toddler groups I go to.

She’d only ever worked a few hours a week. My dad was in the forces and we moved every 3 years. DF passed away 4 years ago and left her very well provided for.

I’m guessing because it’s free childcare