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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:50

@OpalOrchid I’m not expecting lots - I’m expecting that maybe once a month they say ‘would x like to join us walking the dogs for 20 minutes’ for example. Just a bit of interest would be nice

OP posts:
WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 31/12/2023 18:51

They can 'care' without offering themselves as childcare

It's bad that this generation EXPECT it if I'm honest. You chose to have kids. There was no choice generations ago

LaughterTitsoff · 31/12/2023 18:51

How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids?

Was going to say not hard at all, but then I remembered the MNetters who won't allow visitors for weeks after the babies are born, and the ones who constantly criticise the care and food provided.

It'll be very hard for them.

TinyYellow · 31/12/2023 18:52

If they’re working full time, they might find it difficult to find the energy for days out with children at the weekend.

dottypotter · 31/12/2023 18:52

When will.people stop moaning?

You have children and you do have grandparents they just do not behave in the way you want them too.

Your actually quite lucky.

Newgirls · 31/12/2023 18:52

I was lucky to have excellent grandparents and my own parents have been rubbish. Their loss. Thankfully my kids have met wonderful adults in other areas of their lives - which also shows that it’s not all people that age for sure.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 31/12/2023 18:52

A 20 min walk?? Do grandparents want to be restricted like that?

ChristmasFanatic · 31/12/2023 18:53

It's not about childcare at all. It's about the feeling of your children being wanted. It's the nostalgia of remembering how great it felt to be adored by grandparents, to spend time with them and learn from them. To have their knowledge and ways passed on to you and feel you were loved. Wanting that for your own children.

I love spending time with my kids so much, I don't want to pass them off. I don't want free childcare. Far from it.

GetWhatYouWant · 31/12/2023 18:53

I'm a grandparent and I think that's very poor behaviour on their part. There's little you can do to change their attitude to be honest, but they are missing out on one of the greatest joys in life.
I loved my own grandparents but none lived close so couldn't be involved in day to day care. My own parents, despite working full time until my children were teenagers, wanted to be involved and helped with taking to after school activities, trips etc and saw my children most days.
I have a granddaughter and have done childcare since she was born, I collect from school, have her to stay regularly at weekends and holidays and we have a very close relationship which brings both of us great happiness. It's like all the best bits of being a parent without the drudgery parts and I feel very privileged that I can have this relationship with her.
Your parents are missing out on so much.

newoldfluff · 31/12/2023 18:53

Really unfair to tar a whole generation with the same brush. My parents are AMAZING grandparents.

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:53

@Maireas a couple of times - following which they will turn up with a shopping spree of clothes for the kids. Which obviously I appreciate but that’s not what I’m asking for, I’m asking for them to spend time around them where they’re not a) sitting on their phones ignoring the kids or b) doing nothing but giving them a happy meal. They just don’t get it, I’d understand more if they genuinely didn’t like children but why bother posting loads of pictures on facebook and talking as if they’re playing a big part in raising them when they’re actually barely there 😅

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/12/2023 18:53

I think it's down to individual people being different, nothing to do with a particular generation. My grandparents adored us, but didn't live close enough to do childcare. My parents have done a lot of childcare and are still doing a bit of chauffeuring for school and clubs when we're working. They're not obliged to do it, they want to help. I hope, in return, I shall be a hands on daughter as they get older. They are notoriously bad at asking for help though so it's going to be a bit tricky to navigate.

Circularargument · 31/12/2023 18:55

Your parents are your parents. Talking about "this generation" is ageist tosh. HTH.

spanieleyes · 31/12/2023 18:55

My grandma didn't work after having her children so she was around to look after me pretty much full time when I was young, my mother worked until she was 60 and then retired, once retired she would come and spend weeks at a time looking after my children when I went back to college, but before then she was limited in what she could do, I'm still working full time at 64 so don't have the time or opportunity to do the same. Times have changed.

scratchyfannyofcocklane · 31/12/2023 18:55

I probably fall into that category of GP... I do love my DGC but I have a full time demanding job, a long distance relationship, bootcamp 4 times a week and a DS that's actually younger than 2 of my DGC.. I simply don't have the time to play doting grandma and unfortunately can't help with childcare. I suppose I could give up work, dump DP, forget keeping myself fit and leave my 13 year old to fend for himself????

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 18:55

LaughterTitsoff · 31/12/2023 18:51

How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids?

Was going to say not hard at all, but then I remembered the MNetters who won't allow visitors for weeks after the babies are born, and the ones who constantly criticise the care and food provided.

It'll be very hard for them.

That is a very good point

Lizzieregina · 31/12/2023 18:55

My parents had no help from grandparents and there were 7 of us. My mum always had the attitude that she raised her own kids and didn’t provide much babysitting for her grandkids.

My kids already know that I won’t be providing childcare if I have grandkids, but will do occasional date nights and similar.

I’m over 60 now and find small kids exhausting and hard to entertain, so I can’t imagine being able to cope with them in large doses.

I loved my own kids and loved being a mother, but I don’t still have that kind of energy.

Badgerandfox227 · 31/12/2023 18:56

I’m with you on this OP, I had very hands on grandparents growing up and regularly spent weekends there. Me and my siblings had very close relationships with them.

Sadly, we don’t have this, and yes they are retired and fit and able. I don’t care so much about childcare more that they are missing special moments. I feel sorry that my kids won’t have the relationship I had and I try and view it as their loss, but it does feel like rejection.

Im wondering if they’ll expect help when they’re older?

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:56

Catza · 31/12/2023 18:45

You grandma was older. She was probably retired and quite possibly didn’t have access to a lot of activities outside (or inside) the house. Looking after grandchildren was probably one of the few things she could do with her time.
Your parents both work. I don’t want to spend every weekend I have free with my family so why do you think a grandparent would?
My grandmother retired at 50. We spent a lot of time together. My mum is 65 and still works full time. And outside of work, she travels, goes to the gym and dinners with friends. And good on her.

No, my grandma worked full time as a uni lecturer which is a much more demanding job than the job my own parents are in. She still found time to take us all over the place, in fact she’s more of a grandparent to my own children too - she sees them much more regularly and even though she’s very old now she will often offer to come to soft play with us or mosey around a garden centre, and when I visit her she is amazing - has nappies and formula and snacks my toddler likes without me ever even asking for that to be provided, has a whole box full of toys and educational things and I genuinely credit her for a lot of my child’s learning because she’s excellent with them. But still it makes me sad that someone pushing 90 is doing more groundwork in my children’s life than my parents in their 50s.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 31/12/2023 18:57

Opposite problem here. My poor parents beg sister to see her kids or have them overnight. She will drop them just before theyre ready for bed and pick them up next morning, only if she needs it though.

UsingChangeofName · 31/12/2023 18:57

However, YABVVVU to generalise a whole generation.

Some grandparents of 'this generation' could be more involved. Others are wonderful. Some are oppressive and suffocating. Some have no contact.
Just has it has been in every generation and will no doubt be in every generation in the future.

HamBone · 31/12/2023 18:58

If they’re working, they don’t have a huge amount of free time and they might want/need to relax then.

I agree that some GP’s are slightly odd about their GC’s though, despite appearing to be excited when they’re born. DH’s parents were retired when our two arrived but have spent little time with them over the years…yet DH spent part of the summer with his grandmas, went on holiday with them, etc. His parents are in reasonable health now (excellent health when the kids are younger) but they never did anything much with them.

Neither DD (18) not DS (15) feel particularly close to them-you reap what you sow. 🤷

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:58

WWYDIYWMRN · 31/12/2023 18:47

Jesus...they don't owe you childcare. I saw my grandparents 2-3 times a year as neither were local. This meant I never (rightly ) expected anything from my parents. I paid for my childcare and spent the weekends looking after my own children.

Jesus… where did I say they owe me childcare? I pay for my own childcare too. I’m asking for them to take the kids to the park for 20 minutes maybe once a month. Just anything to show they give a toss. And also they’re local, they live 2 minutes away.

OP posts:
WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 31/12/2023 18:59

What you really want is compliments on how you have brought up your kids.....you want them frothing about what excellent parents you are and expect them to rally their friends with tales of your fantastic parenting.

It's not about the kids at all ime. It's your ego you want stroked. By proxy

Maireas · 31/12/2023 18:59

@icelollybrolly - your grandma is exceptional, and you are fortunate indeed to have her in your life. Your parents are not the same. That's just the way it is. Your children seem to be getting attention and affection from great grandma, which makes them luckier than most.