This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

our generation has been screwed over

Don’t be so ridiculous and entitled.

I hear you re the gushing FB posts about how the grandchildren are their world. It doesn’t bother me too much that my mother doesn’t bother with her grandchildren, but making out to all her friends and the world that she is a devoted gm boils my piss.

I have the opposite issue - had a good relationship with my grandparents although they didn’t do childcare for my parents. We just visited and had a lovely time with parents present.

Now all of my DCs GPs would love to have time alone with her.

It sounds as if your parents were not particularly good parents. Not sure why you think they would be good grandparents.

Not sure I agree that you can generalise like this, OP. Many of the parents in my children’s classes get regular childcare from grandparents, some a significant amount. Others (like us) have none, as we live too far away. The same would’ve been true for the earlier generation.

I certainly don’t think this generation as a whole doesn’t get help from grandparents - quite the opposite. Grandparents generally seem heavily involved in childcare these days (not all of course).

I had to labour alone as my retired in laws wouldn't watch my eldest for a night. They live 30 minutes away but when my MiL broke her leg my FiL demanded that my husband spend the week at their home watching her, even though we had a three month old and FiL doesn't work.

My parents are in their 60s and still don't understand that they need to feed children three times a day and put them to bed so it's not safe to leave my children with them.

My then 4 year old spent one night in hotel room with my DM while I was with my newborn in another room and she let my 4 year old stay up until 1am on her tablet and then turned up with her at breakfast in just tights and a vest while my DM had a proper outfit on and a full face of make up on.

DH and I do all childcare between us. We haven't had a night out since 2017 but I'm hoping we are building a strong family unit. That's what I tell myself!

too busy to RTFT
BUT I object to a whole generation of grandparents being tarred with the same brush.
I am a grandparent and I have my grandchild 2 days a week whilst my daughter works and other babysitting times as well.
We always go out and I take him swimming once a week all whilst having 2 dependant disabled children of my own to.look after.
I had zero support from my parents when my own children were young and my mil died so my husband and I carried the load entirely alone and to.be honest I was happy to do so. I never wanted other people to help raise my kids.
So it is a bit galling to see my entire generation condemned and ot plays into.the generational hatred on here against the boomer generation in particular and is deeply unpleasant.

You.are just unlucky OP . There are good and bad grandparents ( and indeed parents) in every generation.

You might have a bit of a point OP, but not completely as most of my peers who are GPs really enjoy it, even those also working F/T.

But I do agree not all do - the 2nd Homers next door, who rarely visit their 'nondescript terrace in a down at heel part of the predominantly scruffy, but tries really hard to be jolly town' last came "to get away from the GC".

They're early retired, so not hard-pressed for time and presumably they're visiting again for the same reason, one of their DC is a teacher so off-work, but probably still doing prep. No help from his side obviously.

My own DM was a bit 'sketchy'/variable herself with the GC support although we stayed with my GM a lot and it was considered really ok to leave your kids 'alone' and to get themselves about much more without fear of being 'reported'.

I'm not a GM myself, maybe one day, but I'd like to think I'd be a nice, helpful Grandma if I become one.

@Notmetoo Exactly. My grandparents were either dead or not interested and I’m a grandparent now and try my best because I remember how shit it was when I was a child.

What do you mean, ‘our generation has been screwed over’? Surely it’s individual family issues not a blanket (political) issue?

@Finallygotmy3 We feel the same about becoming grandparents one day - can’t wait to do it properly instead of whatever half arsed attempt we’re experiencing is. Sorry that you’re feeling the same, it’s utter shit isn’t it

Sorry to completely miss the point of the post but a pp set off my pedantic streak. We are in the UK mostly and being "obligated" isn't a thing here...we carry out an obligation but we are not obliged to do so. (Sorry) OP it's a fine line we tread being grandparents between zero involvement and interfering. I'd talk about it to your parents , maybe they are itching to do more but don't like to be pushy ? I'd take it as a compliment to your parenting skills that they feel you don't need much input.

It's not a whole generation FFS. Everyone is different. My mother had zero help. Her mother was an immigrant so had no parents to help I had no help. So which generation has been screwed over?
And do you OP offer your parents help? DIY? Hospital appointments? Respect? Love? What comes across from your post is dislike. Relationships are a two-way thing - usually.
I hope things improve - because it will be nice for your kids.

Your parents are still working but you expect them to give up their weekends so you can have childfree weekends?
How is that fair.? They brought you up and now its your turn to bring your children up!!

This is nicely put

Absolutely shocking that they would let you labour alone. It’s not normal is it - I nearly had to have my csection alone but ‘luckily’ it ended up being brought forward as an emergency and landed on the day my daughter goes to nursery anyway. Shocking though.

Sounds like my parents! If they do have them they don’t even attempt a bedtime (and then complain they were up til midnight? Like? Because you didn’t take them to bed and plonked them infront of kids tv with junk food until they passed out?). And the first time they had my second sleeping over she came back with half the baby medicine aisle in her bag and hadn’t even mentioned that they’d given her anything. Just unreal.

Have you actually read the thread, love? I didn’t ask for every weekend. I’ve repeated multiple times I’m asking for maybe a couple hours once a month if that. Or even a flipping phone call to ask how the kids are?! 😂

@icelollybrolly you can't force someone to have a relationship they clearly don't want. Social media is lies, thought that was obvious by now.

Yes the same here.

It's the nostalgia of remembering how great it felt to be adored by grandparents

I barely knew mine, so no nostalgia here. And PIL were too old to be bothered with ds, as was my father. My mum and ds have a good relationship, but my mum doesn't live locally, so couldn't be imposed upon even if I tried.

I have both my parents alive, fit, well and retired. They weren’t much as parents so my grandparents basically raised me. They’re not much as grandparents. My dad can’t help look after the kids unless my
step mum is there to do it for him and my mum decided she’s done enough parenting (remember I was raised by grandparents) so isn’t interested in giving up her retirement to spend time with her grandchildren unless it benefits her somewhat.

I do get jealous of my cousins who have very attentive parents who are also very involved grandparents. They’re all younger than my parents and still work but still manage to help out.

so I’m not sure it is a generation thing as such. Older generations are having to work longer into old age so they’re knackered but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still grandparents around who help out. Mothers in the 70s-90s were sold the lie they could have it all (work, kids, life etc) they’re probably disillusioned knackered and wanting a break. Kids of those decades realise now we cannot have it all easily so maybe we’ll be different.

I vow to be the opposite of my
mother in any way I can so if I’m alive when my kids have children (relying on my youngest and he’s decades away from that) then to the best of my ability I Will be there to help and support when it’s needed.

We can only really learn from what went before and decide whether or not to be the same.

@ChristmasFanatic this is exactly it

@icelollybrolly it definitely is! There's so much negative history in my family and it was a really big deal for me to open those doors to my dad. Yet here we are, he has had them overnight once a year if that. Tbh I don't even expect that, just a genuine interest in them and their lives would be nice!
I'll never forget my now 7 year old drawing a picture for him at maybe 5 with "best grandad ever" written on it in her best handwriting.
He left it on my sofa and she had told him to take it home...I'll never forget her face as she said he must not have wanted it.

I honestly regret trying to build a relationship because it's just a pointless venture.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable given they work 5 days a week. I wouldn’t expect my parents to help out with childcare if they were still working full time.

I’d just stop sending them pictures if you don’t like them posting them online.

"They work"

There's your answer.

I spent every weekend growing up with my 60 year old Granny, she was retired

I am mid 50's with almost 2 full time jobs because my mortgage is now greater than my monthly salary

If my 26 year old gave birth now I could offer her NOTHING

I think it depends on the dynamic of the family. My sister reduced her hours of work to look after and spend time with her grandchildren and I’ve now reduced mine so that I can help with our grandchildren. We’ve decorated a bedroom for them and are looking forward to sleepovers. They are the joy of our lives. My family comes first including extended family. Tell your mum how you are feeling and hopefully things will improve in the future and they may realise that they’re missing out.