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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 19:26

Everyone here will say they are your kids, your responsibility etc but I can’t imagine having a grandchild and not wanting to build a beautiful relationship with them. Having them over for sleepovers, taking them to the seaside. I had my first child at 16 and my parents had a wonderful relationship with him. Sadly by the time 2 and 3 came along I was living 250 miles away so they never got the same and they have missed out. I lived next door to my Nanna growing up and thank god she did as she was my saviour from arguing parents and a mum with an untreated (at the time) mental health issue. You can’t force them to want to look after them but you can be sad about it

pinkhousesarebest · 31/12/2023 19:26

I agree that it is hurtful OP. My parents were the same ( retired teachers, they had little time for small dcs). We live abroad and they did a lot more for my d sis’s family and so we’re closer to them. They never made an effort to get to know mine and they have no relationship with them although they are very generous.
It’s a pity but that’s the way it is. It has made me so determined to prioritize my relationship with any dgc I might have.

dapsnotplimsolls · 31/12/2023 19:26

YANBU to be annoyed at the performative grandparenting.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 19:27

Got a really open, say how you feel relationship with my mum and I swear if she was like this she would have heard my feelings about it too. Obviously, people have different opinions but my opinion is that you’re a cretin if you don’t love your grandkids and make great sacrifices for them. It’s always the ones that don’t that pretend they’re grandparents of the year on social media too. I’ve got one shit lot and one amazing lot. I know so many families whose parents live in the same town but barely know their grandchildren. Honestly, I find it so wrong. So lucky with my Mum. Has made everyone’s life so much better she’s so involved, including hers.
Can’t wait for my kids to have children and it’s a fear of mine that they won’t. However as were an open family, I’ll be sure to go on and on about it until it happens 🤣

HamBone · 31/12/2023 19:27

dapsnotplimsolls · 31/12/2023 19:26

YANBU to be annoyed at the performative grandparenting.

@dapsnotplimsolls Yes, that would piss me off as well. My in-laws don’t do that.

chaosmaker · 31/12/2023 19:28

The op is enabling the performative stuff though. They'd be forced to visit to take the lying pics for their SM if she didn't send them.... lol

Floralnomad · 31/12/2023 19:28

It seems to me from reading this thread that the ‘deficient’ grandparents all have one thing in common - they were deficient parents . It seems to me that if you weren’t interested in taking your own kids out then you aren’t suddenly going to get interested in grand children .

Passingthethyme · 31/12/2023 19:28

Passingthethyme · 31/12/2023 19:07

How close are you with your parents? I'm very close with mine and do alot for them and they love their grandchildren and love spending time with them. I think the overall family relationship has alot to do with it.

You haven't answered this OP, and by all your posts it doesn't really sound like you are close with them so it's not really that surprising. If they don't have a strong bond with you, it's unlikely they will have one with your children. The work thing is a red herring, I have plenty of friends who's parents work and also spend alot of time with their grandchildren.

Iaspo · 31/12/2023 19:29

YANBU.

I was in hospital for almost 3 weeks in December - seizure and now suspected cancer. My in laws came over to help DH with DC, but apparently made comments to him as to why my dad wasn’t there helping? He was on holiday in the Carribean with his girlfriend (mum died some years ago) and didn’t come back early……

GreatGateauxsby · 31/12/2023 19:29

🤯🤯🤯🤯

It's not surprising if they palmed their own children off a lot that they would not want to do childcare as grandparents , is it?

This has actually blown my mind because you are absolutely right.

I never thought of it that way but while my mil makes all the right noises and protestations (so I assumed a lack of ability or some self-absorbtion type issue) she didn't want to raise her own kids at all....so why in god's name would she be interested in providing any practical help with mine
😅😅😅

Thanks @TomatoSandwiches the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

Naddd · 31/12/2023 19:29

Utter nonsense

Sendhelp101 · 31/12/2023 19:30

I empathise with you OP and sorry it's his way for you. I dont know if it's because my mum was an older mum having me (40 and now reaching 70) but she has been amazing with my son. Helps with childcare most holidays, when I left an abusive relationship and he was a baby she'd sleep with him 2 nights a week so I could rest and when she minds him they go on all sorts of adventures together. I don't take advantage of it though and only ask outside of school holidays if I'm desperate as I know she likes to enjoy her retirement. I hit the lottery and I'm so grateful everyday

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 19:31

Hoglet70 · 31/12/2023 18:40

They are your kids, not your parents kids so maybe your expectations are unreasonable. My parents worked full time when DS was small and so were no help at all. My Grandparents were in a different country so in turn my parents had no help.

Agree with this. They raised you; that was their contribution. They don't owe you childcare or anything else. Young kids aren't very interesting and perhaps they don't wish to spend their leisure time (if they still work) or retirement, dancing attendance upon toddlers.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 19:32

And for those who say … they owe you nothing etc, that’s such a weird concept to me! Family owe each other everything in our house. Absolutely not allowed to act like some Lone Ranger, picking and choosing the best bits.
If someone needs money, find it and help. If someone needs childcare, we’re right there. Must be terrible to live like strangers with family. How can something your own flesh and bloods going through be not your problem or responsibility?

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 19:34

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 19:27

Got a really open, say how you feel relationship with my mum and I swear if she was like this she would have heard my feelings about it too. Obviously, people have different opinions but my opinion is that you’re a cretin if you don’t love your grandkids and make great sacrifices for them. It’s always the ones that don’t that pretend they’re grandparents of the year on social media too. I’ve got one shit lot and one amazing lot. I know so many families whose parents live in the same town but barely know their grandchildren. Honestly, I find it so wrong. So lucky with my Mum. Has made everyone’s life so much better she’s so involved, including hers.
Can’t wait for my kids to have children and it’s a fear of mine that they won’t. However as were an open family, I’ll be sure to go on and on about it until it happens 🤣

People are cretins if they don't make "great sacrifices" for their grandchildren?

I wonder then, should they get some say in when those children are born, how often and how many? Or just stand passively by waiting to be assigned tasks, chores and things to pay for?

No one is forced to have children and no one should do so assuming that other adults, who got zero say in the matter, are going to pitch in and shoulder the very predictable workload.

Grandparents have their own lives to lead and less time in which to do it.

Bluevelvetsofa · 31/12/2023 19:34

I don’t recall my grandparents ever looking after me and I don’t recall them coming to our house much either, although that might have been due to lack of public transport and no car.

My in laws babysat rarely. My mum lived with us for quite a long time, but wasn’t confident looking after the children.

I was working full time when my grandchildren were born, so was limited in what I could offer, but I did babysit and then did school collecting, overnights, weekends and holidays when I was part time.

I reckon I’m in the most despised groups on MN- a MiL, a grandparent and a former teacher.

Gazelda · 31/12/2023 19:34

I think that you're unreasonable to tar all grandparents with the same brush.

Your DC's grandparents are a disappointment to you. And many others on this thread have similar experiences.

However there are countless grandparents that do so much for their GC. Childmind while also working PT and caring for their own parents. Doing school wraparound care. Babysitting while parents have date nights or weekends away. Paying for extra curriculars. Treating the children, taking them to see Santa, spoiling them, and so much more.

How many threads do you see on MN complaining of parents/ILs overstepping boundaries?

It sounds as though you had lovely grandparents OP and it's a shame that your DC aren't having the same experience. But don't try to claim that all grandparents are as bad as your parents.

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 19:35

Abs nothing to do with generation . Every family functions differently!
Anyone feeling bitter towards their parents can only speak for themselves.
We have been a huge support to our daughter and have had grandchild overnight regularly since birth ! And it has been really appreciated.
Fed up reading so many Grandparent slagging threads and do not get me on the favourite MN word….Boundaries regarding Grandparents ,where we are spoken about in such a disrespectful way .
Some Grandparents are rubbish and some are brilliant,some Parents are rubbish and others are great 🤷‍♀️

2jacqi · 31/12/2023 19:36

@icelollybrolly I am 69 and my hubby is 70. we look after 2 grandchildren living in our home for 5 weeks every two months, day in day out . we also babysit in our home overnight the other 2 grandchildren when the parents want to go out. my parents babysat for us when we wanted to go out but i never relied on them for childcare for work. i was lucky and in a night shift job so if i was at work hubby was home with the kids. I do understand that we were lucky in that respect because the cost of childcare negates the money earned. My parents, on the other hand had no grandparents to look after us.

flapjackfairy · 31/12/2023 19:36

@Delphinous78
More fool your husband for giving in to his father's demands to leave his wife and 3 month old .

lljkk · 31/12/2023 19:36

Hmmm. I was born in 60s. My dad's parents divorced & remarried young, so I grew up with 3 grandmothers & 2 great-grans were still alive when I was born.

I only remember 1 of the great-grans, she was frail.
Gran1: her youngest was barely older than me, she was still in management mode, I was afraid of being scolded by her.
Gran2: approaching elderly, aloof, not unpleasant, just tired out.
Gran3: Kindly but I wasn't biologically hers.

Must be interesting to have close relations with older relatives.

saraclara · 31/12/2023 19:37

Your problem is with YOUR parents, not a whole generation of grandparents.

I'm a grandparent who's very involved with her grandkids and will drop everything to have them to help my DD out (as I'm retired, fortunately). And though I don't do regular childcare covering their parents' work (I pay for a day a week of their nursery fees though), all my friends who are grandparents, do. And they're absolutely knackered by it.

If anything, I think that this generation does more for their grandkids than previous ones. Mainly because the age gap/age when giving birth, is getting larger, so more grandparents are near retirement.

When my kids were at school there were no grandparents at the school gates. When I pass my local primary school these days they're are loads of women my age waiting to pick up (presumably) their grandkids.

So don't tar us all with the same brush you use for your parents.

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 19:37

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:21

Have you actually read the thread, love? I didn’t ask for every weekend. I’ve repeated multiple times I’m asking for maybe a couple hours once a month if that. Or even a flipping phone call to ask how the kids are?! 😂

Show quote history

Can't you find a hired babysitter? I can't imagine prevailing upon working people to give up their precious leisure time. What do you do for them, out of curiosity?

Delphinous78 · 31/12/2023 19:38

He didn't go. I just couldn't believe that they would ask and get angry when told no.

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 19:38

Gazelda · 31/12/2023 19:34

I think that you're unreasonable to tar all grandparents with the same brush.

Your DC's grandparents are a disappointment to you. And many others on this thread have similar experiences.

However there are countless grandparents that do so much for their GC. Childmind while also working PT and caring for their own parents. Doing school wraparound care. Babysitting while parents have date nights or weekends away. Paying for extra curriculars. Treating the children, taking them to see Santa, spoiling them, and so much more.

How many threads do you see on MN complaining of parents/ILs overstepping boundaries?

It sounds as though you had lovely grandparents OP and it's a shame that your DC aren't having the same experience. But don't try to claim that all grandparents are as bad as your parents.

This 100%! Genuinely didn’t read your post until I had written mine ! Yes the word Boundaries absolutely makes me want to scream ,so bloody rude and patronising!!