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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 31/12/2023 18:59

I'm a Nanny now and when my DC were small my Mum had them two days every week and my sister had them one morning every week whilst I worked and Mum had my sister's DC two days a week as well and I had my sister's boys one afternoon every week. This was all possible because both my sister and I lived close to my Mum. Now my DD and 2 DGS's live about 1 1/2 hours drive from me. I'd willingly have looked after them a couple of days each week so my DD could work but she's too far away so instead I helped her to pay for nursery fees and when one of them got chicken pots I went down to stay for a week to care for them so she and SiL could both continue to work. I also went down to look after elder DGS when she went in hospital to have second DGS. I cooked up lots of freezer meals to leave her and cakes and cookies for GGS too. I know I'm not as useful to her as my Mum was to me. I try to compensate by being generous financially which I know is not the same but helps her to pay for holiday clubs and makes me feel a bit less useless. When they visit which is 3 times a year I always book up fun activities for DGC and make sure they have a lovely time. I visit them 3 times a year too.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2023 18:59

How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts.

Did your grandma also work fulltime while taking you to those places, like your parents do? If not you can't compare. If you're over 50 and working fulltime in a really busy job it's just knackering so you have little energy to do things during the week, which means that everything else that needs to be done needs to be done at the weekend. For us that means all our housework, gardening, food shopping and any other shopping, DIY, visting our elderly parents. If we had grandchildren I would love to do things with them but realistically where would we fit it in regularly?

My kids are young adults and not at the stage of having children yet. I do hope to not be working full time then (if at all) so that I can get involved with grandchildren. If I'm still working FT then all bets are off as to how regularly I could see them.

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:00

@WhatsInStoreFor2024 eh?? restricted how?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 19:00

It's not surprising if they palmed their own children off a lot that they would not want to do childcare as grandparents , is it?

I say the following because I believe it but get shot down because I think people find it unpalatable.

I suspect there are quite a lot of parents with adult children who regretted becoming parents but got through it any way they could including relying on their own parents a lot, these people won't be looking to look after grandchildren, sorry.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2023 19:00

Also, assuming you work FT yourself, surely you want to spend as much time as you can with your own children at the weekend, so it would be wierd to want you to send them to the grandparents every weekend to be honest.

User0311 · 31/12/2023 19:00

Wow I could have written this exact post word for word, no advice but you have my sympathy you are not alone x

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:01

Badgerandfox227 · 31/12/2023 18:56

I’m with you on this OP, I had very hands on grandparents growing up and regularly spent weekends there. Me and my siblings had very close relationships with them.

Sadly, we don’t have this, and yes they are retired and fit and able. I don’t care so much about childcare more that they are missing special moments. I feel sorry that my kids won’t have the relationship I had and I try and view it as their loss, but it does feel like rejection.

Im wondering if they’ll expect help when they’re older?

Agree. I mentioned moving a few hours away and they were all woe is me who’ll look after me when I’m elderly - yeah ok, who supported me in the throes of postpartum and motherhood? Off to the care home you go at this rate.

OP posts:
lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 31/12/2023 19:01

Complete opposite here. My parents and my inlaws help out with DC a lot but my grandma was... wow where do I even start. I mean it wouldn't have been safe to leave us with her.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 31/12/2023 19:01

Your thread title is misleading, because it's not about this generation of parents. Your parents are shit grandparents, not everyone's.
I don't believe that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare so that parents can work, but they should be interested in and want spend time with and to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:02

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 31/12/2023 18:59

What you really want is compliments on how you have brought up your kids.....you want them frothing about what excellent parents you are and expect them to rally their friends with tales of your fantastic parenting.

It's not about the kids at all ime. It's your ego you want stroked. By proxy

I think you’re reading the wrong thread?

OP posts:
Orangeandgold · 31/12/2023 19:03

I don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think overtime being a decent grandparent is similar to being a decent parent - it’s all about the individuals mindset, mentality and the time they can commit to it.

Im in a position where my mum is very actively involved in my DDs life but she works part time and she takes family responsibility very seriously. She was even a childminder at one point. I know other grandparents that are super involved because they want to be and I know some that don’t want to go through looking after lo because they feel they are done.

Your feelings are valid.

I do have some friends who have more of a “transactional” relationship and would then ask their parents to babysit. So if they are not showing interest maybe if you need the time to yourself, ask them if they would be happy to babysit on occasion.

I empathise with you OP. Active grandparents can make a massive difference.

Roiesin57 · 31/12/2023 19:03

Yanbu, I have every sympathy. Relationship between gp & gc can be so previous if you want it to be. Some people just do not appreciate what they have. Even if you're getting older & still working full time you can still find some time to spend with them. Doesn't have to be high energy activities, just.give them your time!

JingleSnowmanTree · 31/12/2023 19:03

scratchyfannyofcocklane · 31/12/2023 18:55

I probably fall into that category of GP... I do love my DGC but I have a full time demanding job, a long distance relationship, bootcamp 4 times a week and a DS that's actually younger than 2 of my DGC.. I simply don't have the time to play doting grandma and unfortunately can't help with childcare. I suppose I could give up work, dump DP, forget keeping myself fit and leave my 13 year old to fend for himself????

@scratchyfannyofcocklane if you WANTED to spend time with your Grandchildren you could bake some adjustments, like Bootcamp 3x a week and take the kids to the playground/field & have a good run around with them, you and your LDR take them out somewhere, take your DS with you.

obviously it's your choice, but you're not the only one with a busy life...

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:04

@CurlyhairedAssassin I didn’t say every weekend.

OP posts:
RosePetals86 · 31/12/2023 19:04

I agree with you OP but this is MN where you will be flamed for even suggesting GPs should care/ want to be involved with their GC. We get minimal help compared with what my parents has when I was younger. Yes we pay for childcare but we are completely burnt out!

TempestTost · 31/12/2023 19:05

I think what rankles with this is the sense that really, they don't care about not having much relationship to the grandkids.

I'm not sure this is really generational, except that families are more fractured now. Though, you do get a lot who say, well, everyone needs to live their own fulfilling life. And maybe that leads to people prioritizing certain things over stuff like family.

In some ways though, I think often they are fooling themselves. They think that family relations are just things that are there, and miss that they need to be built up over time. And can be surprised and disappointed when all of a sudden they realize their teen grandkids would barely notice if they were gone, or won't make an effort to visit them, etc.

Original poster
icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:06

Roiesin57 · 31/12/2023 19:03

Yanbu, I have every sympathy. Relationship between gp & gc can be so previous if you want it to be. Some people just do not appreciate what they have. Even if you're getting older & still working full time you can still find some time to spend with them. Doesn't have to be high energy activities, just.give them your time!

Exactly. People keep putting words into my mouth on this thread as if I’m asking for all sorts of childcare but I’m not, they don’t even pick up the phone to ask how the kids are. It’s sad

OP posts:
Witchcraftandhokum · 31/12/2023 19:06

Stop begging your parents to take care of your kids.

  1. It's rude and puts them in an awkward position.
  1. Why would you want your kids spending time with people who you had to beg to do so?
Passingthethyme · 31/12/2023 19:07

How close are you with your parents? I'm very close with mine and do alot for them and they love their grandchildren and love spending time with them. I think the overall family relationship has alot to do with it.

Roiesin57 · 31/12/2023 19:09

Precious - not previous!

hiredandsqueak · 31/12/2023 19:10

I'm a Granny, I did childcare for dgs from him being nine months old and see him most weekends now he is in school and would have continued to do childcare had dd not changed jobs and got herself a post in his school. I helped out because dd needed my help but I wouldn't have chosen to do it if I'm honest. Dgs is a lovely boy, I love him dearly, I enjoy his visits with dd, I enjoy the holidays that we go on together but childcare is hard work and pretty boring if I'm honest. My own dc were never cared for by their grandparents and nor was I so not sure where the assumption that all previous generations were more hands on tbh.

Permanentchange · 31/12/2023 19:11

I totally get where you are coming from op.
You don't want childcare, you want your parents to want more of a relationship with your children.
Mine are older now but I had the same circumstances as you and felt the same.

Squidlette · 31/12/2023 19:11

My parents ( in their 70s now) had no help from grandparents. Mainly cos each parent was one of 5, so there were lots of g children.
Gp 1 never took us anywhere, unless you count church. They were not a cuddly gran, but you would get a bag of pic and mix if you were good. And as many biscuits as you could eat. They never looked after us.

Gp2 took us out- but mainly visiting their siblings! Again, biscuits and fizzy pop smoothed the way. There were lots of sleepovers, but we very much fended for ourselves when we were there: got up, made breakfast like at home. It was a home from home.

In either case, the gp were not put out- it was on their terms. Both grandmas were ferocious and would put you in your place. My mum was def softer.

I take after my grandmas. Chances are I'll be in my 60s by the time either dc has kids. Unless I have a personality transplant and give up work, I can't see myself being very hands on at all.

GreatGateauxsby · 31/12/2023 19:11

YANBU.

i think its either a lack of empathy OR some kind of skips a generation thing…
like if your parents were neat freaks you are messy. If you grew up in a horders paradise you and tidy and minimalist.

I say this because

my mother was on. her. own.
She had absolutely no family to help and a full time job in the 80s my dad also worked long hours… she cannot do enough to help me, like she’s truly amazing, I often decline because I don’t like to take advantage and is so close with my DD… it’s gorgeous to see.

My mil is like your mum except i would NEVER ask her to baby sit. I find it baffling…. She acts like she has never met a child and bangs on about how lucky I am my DH does something/anything and about how useless her husband was.
(now no doubt FIL was fairly hands off but like… it was the 80s so no different to 80-90% of dads)
Her in-laws lived one street away provided round the clock full time care FOR FREE including cooking the kids food at the weekend for my DH and his sibling…The kids has bedrooms at the GPs so basically lived there 🥴🥴
To the point my DH wasn’t allowed a pet by his parents so his GPs bought him one that lived at their house!!!!

If I dare mention £3k per month childcare is going to cripple us… my mil will bang on about how hard done to she was and how hard it was for her as she pours another large glass of my good wine having come to visit EMPTY handed. Again. 😑

😂😂😂😂

Finallygotmy3 · 31/12/2023 19:11

I hear you OP, both my parents are just horrendous......I'm NC with my mum and my dad is just not interested. They seperated when I was 9 months old so I never knew them together.

After years of being NC with my dad, the last 5 years I've tried to build bridges. He came around before Christmas to drop off a gift each for the kids. They were still in school so I found it weird he didn't want to see them open the gifts. Anyway....as he was leaving i said..."are you planning on seeing the kids over Christmas". He turned around and said "what kids". It honestly felt like a punch to the chest and just about sums up his relationship with them.

My childhood was awful too and I'm just so sad I don't have the family for my children that they deserve, especially this time of year when everyone is posting big family gatherings on social media. I said to hubby the other night that we will be the best grandparents - I genuinely can't wait for that one day!