This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

My parents are dead but my PIL are wonderful with our 3 DC and have been since DS1 was born. I don't know how we'd have done it without them. They're not pushy but they are a huge help and have lovely relationships with our DC. They collect them from school 3 days a week, babysit, do things with them - games, homework, reading, gardening, making stuff. They take them out for treats, make sure the three of them have good manners, are well-behaved- reinforce everything we do on that score- discuss things with them. They have fun. The DC love them to bits. Don't often do sleepovers but I'd never complain about them.

I agree with you that it’s odd to not show any interest in phone calls etc. However it doesn’t sound like you like them very much, criticising what little bits they do with the children etc. Maybe they’ve picked up on the fact that you don’t approve of their ‘grand parenting’ style and have just decided not to bother? Or maybe they’re just too exhausted to be able to offer any activities. I know if my dc had children right now I wouldn’t be able to be a hands-on grandparent. I’m barely getting through the week as it is.

Same. I had my kids in the 80's and worked full time, never got one day of child care from my parents .

I've got 5 grandchildren and I have always done a huge amount of care for all of them . When my son became a single parent overnight, for years I got up at 4am every day , to drive to his house and care for his dc when he left for work at 5am . I think I've paid my dues.

You can't make sweeping statements about a whole generation of grandparents . We're just people like you.

I'm 54 and very much a useful Nana (I hope!). I look after my 15 month old grandson one day a week and will be moving on to overnights once they stop breastfeeding.
I had a very remote relationship with my own grandparents and my mother was very much 'pick and mix' in her approach. Her attitude was she had done her bit with me.
I brought mine up with no support or anyone in my corner and was determined to be different for my own DC's.
The best bit of all....him coming to sit on my lap for 75422 renditions of Wheels on the Bus and calling me Nana.

You’re making a ridiculous leap generalizing both your childhood experience and the one with your parents to whole generations and you shouldn’t expect grandparents to want to provide childcare. But the misleading social media posts are justifiably annoying, and it’s valid to want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents.

I had one set of grandparents who were super involved and one who made it clear that they had raised their children and were done with that phase of life. My DC/DSC have four sets between them, all with different levels/ forms of involvement which have changed through the years as retirement ages have come and the DC have grown. Some people dream of being super involved grandparents and some don’t, just like some people dream of being parents and some don’t - the difference is that people don’t choose to be grandparents.

Will your parents accept invitations to join you & the DC for activities as guests rather than an extra set of hands?

Have you explored how your feelings about your parents’ attitude towards grandparenting might be connected to lingering feelings about their parenting of you?

my mum looked after my nieces and nephews a lot when they were small for my sibling while they worked and to sometimes give them a break, , but then again she didn’t work. I have adult children and if they had kids (they don’t), I would not be looking after them on a regular basis as childcare because I work full time myself.

Yep, we're all identical, and all shitty in every way.

Good grief

What?

Eh? Literally just read the thread. I’m not asking for childcare or a babysitter ffs. I’m asking for a shred of interest for their grandkids that isn’t purely performative. I do all sorts for them, but why does that matter - loving your grandkids shouldn’t be transactional surely?

True. Everyone coming on here saying how you can’t tar them all with the same brush blah blah but I don’t actually know one person who doesn’t feel this way in my circle of friends or family.

This!
They sound like dreadful parents and neglectful GP.
I wouldn't want my DC around them.
It's not a generational thing.
It's a poor parents thing.

For your own sanity Op step away, you are wasting your time
Do you have PIL?( sorry I might have missed it)
Mine were wonderful and it was my DP who missed out < shrug>

“I wonder then, should they get some say in when those children are born, how often and how many? Or just stand passively by waiting to be assigned tasks, chores and things to pay for? “

My argument isn’t about what you should reluctantly do my argument is that you would surely WANT to do those things for your flesh and blood?
A lot of grandparents don’t seem to have real love for their grandchildren, only some do. My in laws and probably/ maybe my Dad would probably instinctively save me / their child if they had to in a disaster. My mum would watch my get eaten alive to save the grandkids.

Oddly, my Mum was a bit of a crap Mum but her grandparenting has been amazing. Very blessed and can’t wait to pay that forward to my grandchildren, god willing .

Goady much.

So they are doing childcare every few months, on top of seeing you with them other times (when you said they're taking credit for teaching things), and they work full time.

Presumably on top of working full time, seeing you the times mentioned, doing housework, shopping, spending time together alone, they may also have friends and other family members to see?

Their lives don't have to revolve around you and your grandkids for them to love you all. Try to view the sharing photos and being proud of achievements and wanting to feel connected by having taught something as positive things.

I'd sat this is to do with our very individualistic society, most other (non-White) cultures aren't like this. Many people don't seem to have close knit families anymore (beyond their own nuclear family). Just look at the threads on here, people who can't stand their siblings, MIL, BIL etc. I also think people have less tolerance for extended family members even though all families have their issues and none are perfect all the time

I'm so sorry, and it reminds me how lucky my daughter and I are. My parents are so involved. My mum buys all my daughters clothes, before I get a chance; my daughter is the love of my step-dad's life. They take her to school and pick her up, because I'm a teacher and I can't do it myself. They come to all her school assemblies / nativity plays.

I really do know how lucky she (and I!) am, because my closest friends certainly don't have the same situation. They complain of parents who, like yours, really aren't that interested. I don't think it's at all uncommon now. Funnily, I had a difficult time with my parents growing up, but I couldn't wish for better grandparents for my daughter.

I'm a GP and I don't see my GC nearly as much as I would like to. I'm mid 40's and work and still have teens at home. Plus I'm knackered by the weekend from being at work all week and my weekend is taken up with ferrying teens about and trying to catch up with as much housework as I can fit in in 48 hours.
I understand what you are saying though OP as most of my childhood memories are being with my GPs but they were older and didn't work.

Unbelievable! I feel for all the grandparents on this thread who are doing so much for their grandchildren and have to see posts like these two. Entitled is the word

Your parents are inattentive to their grandchildren, so "this generation of grandparents" are inadequate? A whole generation? You're being ridiculous.

We have zero grandparent support (as we live away from both) but even when we lived in the same town as my Mother it was only very very occasional babysitting and otherwise my Mother accompanying us on days out (she’s never taken my kids out without us). Shes about to come help whilst I have my second baby so she does want to help, work and exhaustion mean she just can’t. She works full-time and goes to bed around 6.30pm (not normal I know, she also has health issues) and she honestly is so exhausted all the time and works so much she just doesn’t offer me the same level of support she had off her own parents.

My grandmother was very much a second parent and if anything I spent way more time with her! I’m still extremely close with my Grandmother and it’s a parental relationship. I was basically at her home every single day and weekends, she took us away on holidays, day trips, babysat constantly, had us for all school holidays. My mum will never have that with my kids as she can’t afford to retire (she is 60) and she tends to come with us vs going or doing anything with them alone. She would only ever have them inside our home.

My MIl is VERY hands on and totally opposite! I’m sad we live 20 hours journey away as she watches my BIls children at least 3 times a week, takes them on holiday, has them for sleepovers, meals out, day trips etc and I know she would do the same for mine. She would be a huge help and I wish we were closer geographically. She’s the same age as my mother but so much healthier, able to work part time and much more able and confident. She even asks if I want to send my children for the summer when they are older!!

I won’t ever forget everything my Grandmother did for us and it’s really fucking hard parenting without a village. You have my full empathy OP! It’s extra hard to not feel pissed off when talking to friends who have loads of help (even if I can rationalize why I don’t have it). Nothing to suggest just also having a vent I guess- I know which Grandparent I want to be.

OP you've just described my in laws perfectly! Plastering Meme's all over FB about how much they live for their Grandchildren yet haven't ever visited them (our eldest DC is 9, they live 10mins drive away) they are retired, financially very comfortable and don't have any hobbies to fulfill their time. Over the last few years I've stopped sending photos, updates or cute things they've done. I'm not going to waste my time on people who are only Facebook grandparents! They have never looked after DC and I have no intention of ever letting them now. Luckily Parents on my side absolutely adore all their DGC so I think that more than makes up for their lack of effort or interest.

I agree

I think that a lot of parents on this thread are muddling up caring for and caring about. I have 8 gcs and love them all deeply, however I'm well the wrong side of 70 and my DH is over 80. The plain fact is that we can't do childcare now, they are just too much for us, we see them whenever we can and love spending time with them but their spare time is limited by activities and their own friends. It can often take several weeks to find a mutually convenient day to spend time together.

Honestly if they never bothered with their own kids, (only to palm them off onto grandma) then they're never going to bother with the grand children are they? They're uninterested in kids, but put on a show in face book, with pics.