‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

[Wigglytuff123]

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

@CharlotteRumpling

Can I just interject here to point out that said “penniless mother” has

1. never worked a day in her life
2. sponged off husbands and then her own mother to survive
3. never claimed child benefit nor carers allowance to give her credit towards a pension/access to benefits
4. an inheritance of 5-10k if I remember correctly
5. more years to work (60) but refuses to

This person is not bereft, not incapable of work but simply wants to sponge of someone else and not take responsibility for their own life. I think it’s reasonable the daughter refer her to citizens advice and encourage her to be independent and handle her own finances.

The two situations are entirely incomparable.

In this instance, the husband is urging the OP to forward plan in terms of their living accomodation for their growing family and for the event that one or other of their mothers becomes ill needing 24/7 care. Usually there is a period of time 18-24months where an elderly person deteriorates in function during which time they will not be accepted for a care home, but need ideally more family support. The recommendation to move the OP’s mother closer is sensible, practical, reasonable and best for all involved avoiding a lot of distress.

So yeah, don’t try and compare a looney situation with a normal situation that pretty much all families face as relatives age.

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut

Because she has benefited from her mother financially and is probably due to inherit a few hundred grand.

If their are no other relatives close it is her responsibility to sort things out.

Yes he’s thinking down the road unlikely 20, but 10, but even then for me, there’s a lot of ground for her to make up and as things stand, I just can’t see how. We can’t tell her we go on holiday because she’ll melt down, we hid we bought our house for a year, we’ve got two weeks in America next year and we’ll be pretending we’ve got a virus apparently

Sorry I’m confused, is there another thread?

my MIL has never worked and refused to, and definitely expects dh to keep her and her husband (but more so dh and her husband left her for another woman and had pretty just treated their house as a bnb to stay in like once a week max for year… not paying for maintenance, just food and bill money) I’m confused if the other things are about my MIL or another thread?

Please just talk to your husband and hear what he really means? What stage of life is planning for and then take it from there.

its conversations worth having. It’s easier to plan now when they are well than not.
We have healthy relationships with my mom and MIL, been there for us. We will live together at some point when needed, fortunate enough to be able to do it well financially.

not the case for everyone, so hence the the need for the conversation.

As for the peeps who have said “get ready to divorce”…I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to be like this, hints emotionally manipulative in their own lives.

@Wigglytuff123 I really wouldn’t worry, by the time your MIL moving into your house becomes an issue she will probably be ticked off for care home anyway.

LA will organise multiple calls to keep her in her own home for as long as possible, and you and DH can add in additional calls during the day…. The point where it becomes a conversation is when you both get sick of having to run over there 4x a day, do her washing separately, 2 sets of grocery shopping etc etc.

When you’re having that conversation and dealing with that situation you have enough to be coping with without - oh no we have to get a bigger house or renovate to build an annex…. In reality she might be dead or moved to a care home before the accomodation is suitable and you have all that stress.

Get the bigger house and then at least in the event things get tough you are prepared. If she is that bad ie dementia/cancer etc her physicality and personality will be different to the difficult person you encounter today (be that mother or mil).

Hopefully neither will ever need that level of care, remain independent and die in their sleep or quickly… but really it is better to be prepared because it is god awful enough if it does happen.

@Wigglytuff123

There is another thread discussing another mother and @CharlotteRumpling was trying to compare your situation to that.. I was pointing out that to do so is absolutely ludicrous.

I wasn't trying to compare the two situations. I am simply fed up of posters with zero knowledge of Asian culture posting " Well tell him to fuck off with his mum". Won't happen.

That said OP, your MIL sounds insane. Mine is difficult sometimes, but she is civil and nice to me.

We can’t tell her we go on holiday because she’ll melt down, we hid we bought our house for a year, we’ve got two weeks in America next year and we’ll be pretending we’ve got a virus apparently

All that on top of her mocking you & your husband thinks that you should tolerate her living with you?

Dh would be loathed to put his mum in a care facility, it would really only be as a last resort like very advanced dementia and in truth the quality of those facilities does really worry me

it’s actually dh I think needs to a bit realistic here, how can he expect to be a full time carer and hold down a full time job, it’s just not possible, even if she lived with us

Yeah I get that, I’ve seen on a few threads, ‘you have a dh problem’ but the posters can’t see the weight of cultural expectations that’s sometimes incredibly abusive and is like FOG, plus the fact that the person has already really bucked the trend and or been ostracised or had a lot of shit for marrying another ethnicity, refusing an arranged marriage, not living with parents / insert cultural expectation.

My Mum has died and I love my MiL but wouldn't want her living with us. I'd just tell him no it's not something you'd want. If he insists I'd divorce him and let him live with Mummy.

Does Asian culture involve treating your DIL so badly she doesn’t want you to live with you?

I tire of hearing ‘culture’ as a reason for others to ruin other people’s lives. I was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness. It is their culture to have men the head of a household and to shun your children if they don’t believe like you do. I guess as it is ‘culture’ that is all fine then.

how can he expect to be a full time carer and hold down a full time job, it’s just not possible, even if she lived with us

Well it obviously wouldn't work.

So either you would be her carer whilst he works or he's the carer & you work?

But realistically we’d need two incomes to live, we do now and if we upsize i cant imagine that changing, and then there’s if one of us takes time out of work, potentially many years, how would we fund our own retirement as one of us would’ve stopped paying into a pension and then there’s getting back into work at an older age when the mum in question passed away

To be honest with you, in some pockets of the culture, what the DIL wants, isn’t even a factor in the equation. In fact there is sometimes horrific abuse of the DIL at the hands of the ILs.

@Wigglytuff123

It is not a matter of him putting her in. The wait lists for the best homes are lengthy and you really need to “need” to be there to get in.

(And to do your research several years in advance so you can plan for where you want her to be)

Like at the point where she’s going to go wandering in the night and be a danger to herself and others. Or when she needs nursing care 24/7 or 4 people to lift her which your husband can’t provide.

The intervening period from the point of her going downhill and needing care home can be managed at home. It is entirely possible and is less stressful if you have them in the same building. You will get carers coming in through the day while DH is at work.

The alternative @Wigglytuff123 is you and DH having to travel to and from MIL house up to 4x a day adding in 2 hours of transit time on top of the caring you will have to do. Speaking from experience, prepared for the worst and hoping for the best is better all round.

I get you have issues with your MIL but you should be allowed to go on holiday and not lie about it and buy a house without her throwing a tantrum about it. That’s her being pathetic it’s not cultural to behave like she’s being re these 2 examples. Which are perfectly normal.

So in this scenario she’d be living with us? How are we paying for the carers? Because she can’t and if she’s living with us, surely we’d have to?

she’d think type of holiday we’re going on, typically tourist things, sights, sea, sand, pool, theme parks is frivolous and we should either be taking her with us (where she’d want to go), going ‘back home’ (his ethnic homeland, not mine of course) or going on a religious trip. She would just constantly give him a hard time if she found out, so apparently we’ll be lying. I’ve said why not say, because I don’t want to do the things you want, end of, but apparently that’s not viable.

the house thing, is because we lived in a flat 5 minutes away from her after marriage and she had tantrum after tantrum, that’s when things between her and I really went down hill. But the house is a 20 minute drive, so practically Siberia for her, and because she wanted me to buy a house in her area so she could live there and still see her friends and have people over so it was only after the birth of our first we said we’d got a place and we’d been living there for well over a year at that point

Local authority will organise carers to come in while people are at work in the day.

Having the person in the family home is preferable as it lessens risk to the elderly person, particularly at night.

For example, with several of my relatives they had falls whenever they weren’t in the family home (they refused to leave their own homes), so several hours can elapse while they lie there in agony with no one to help, or they get burnt from their own urine, or have further health complications because they aren’t treated promptly.

But realistically we’d need two incomes to live, we do now and if we upsize i cant imagine that changing, and then there’s if one of us takes time out of work, potentially many years, how would we fund our own retirement

Well in that respect it's a cycle isn't it & then you might be reliant on one of your own children taking you in.

Upsizing also might not be realistic & like other families you'd have to make do with the space that you have.

Local authority will organise carers to come in while people are at work in the day.

I was thinking probably mistakenly that outside carers wouldn't be wanted.

One of my friends recently got engaged to an Iranian man living in England and has a mum and brother living here. My friend is Anglo Indian and brought up in south India.

She’s had talks with her abusive MIL to be and has had to lay down the law and tell her she’s marrying her son (MIL’s to be son).

Your DM can tantrum and complain about you being frivolous all she likes but you and DH need to stand up to her. If you’d like to go on pilgrimages then great but if you wish to go elsewhere this is both your choices. This is what happens when you marry into a different culture. Your MIL will have to compromise to some degree.

The house thing is entirely up to you. You can choose where you want to live not where she wants you to live. She’d have you living next door to her if it was up to her.