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AIBU?

Teenage daughters attitude

186 replies

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 10:35

My 13 year old DD is well known for needing her sleep and being pretty grumpy if she doesn’t get enough. She is the same with food she gets extremely hangry and will sometimes be found crying for no reason. Give her a bit of fruit or toast and like magic she is fine again.

This morning 10:20am she come thudding downstairs, walks up to me and thumps me on the head. She shouts 'you woke me up with your laughter' she then grabs her phone and thuds back upstairs.

She is clearly upset that me and DH were having a nice time having coffee and a chat about Yorkshire puddings.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? Is this normal for a teenager? Am I an awful mother? Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up?

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Midnightgrey · 01/01/2024 17:23

I have a son with ADHD. He is polite, hardworking and has a degree. It used to enrage him when people would excuse rudeness or violence on the basis that somebody had or might have ADHD. It just makes it harder for people who genuinely do have ADHD and don't go round whacking their mothers in the head. Being impulsive or fidgety doesn't usually extend to assaulting your parents.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 17:53

Midnightgrey · 01/01/2024 17:23

I have a son with ADHD. He is polite, hardworking and has a degree. It used to enrage him when people would excuse rudeness or violence on the basis that somebody had or might have ADHD. It just makes it harder for people who genuinely do have ADHD and don't go round whacking their mothers in the head. Being impulsive or fidgety doesn't usually extend to assaulting your parents.

She doesn't have ADHD it's jusy something tbe teachers have said we should investigate. I didn't use it as an excuse and I'm bored of this now. If you don't read the post don't comment!

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stomachameleon · 01/01/2024 18:25

@Cheesybeansontoastftw why mention it then?

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namechangnancy · 01/01/2024 18:52

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 10:38

thumps me on the head

WTF?? Your teenage daughter hit you and you’re asking if that’s normal?

It’s not.

This 😵‍💫

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Longma · 01/01/2024 19:01

No one is suggesting to respond to violence with violence though. There is a middle ground.

Actually, some posters have suggested just that.
Not great advice for a parenting forum tbh.

Whilst how the OP's DD behaved is far from good responding to a violence from a child should never be the parent being violent back. Hitting children to teach them that hitting is wrong is never the answer.

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Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 19:47

@Cheesybeansontoastftw
I can see this because every time someone posts anything you make excuses for her behaviour
I think it's you who needs to get a grip and parent your child properly, instead of taking her tea in bed after she has whacked you around the head.

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PinkCandles · 01/01/2024 19:54

I've never hit my kids. I've told them off though and they've not hit anyone since they were toddlers. 13 is far too old for a child to think it's OK to hit people. She should have been told No years ago, not pacified with hugs and treats.

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TheHoover · 01/01/2024 20:07

@Cheesybeansontoastftw is your other child a teenager or is the 13 y/o your oldest?
If the latter you are less than 1 year into teenage parenting and have over 6 years to go.

Soft, empathetic parenting may have worked for you so far but teenagers are highly manipulative. Most people giving you advice are telling you that a significant line has been crossed, something which you did not appear to appreciate from your OP in which you questioned whether you were at fault.

Keep this thread in mind as your 13 y/o grows older. It’s highly likely that your DD will pull out every other excuse under the block when ever she gets a stern talking to after demonstrating poor behaviour. And when you do flip and start with the more severe side punishments - like removing her phone - she will tell you she hates you and call you nasty names making you feel like the bad guy and wondering where you went wrong.

Being firm and consistent at the start will see you well through the next 6 years. Being soft could land you in bigger trouble - you are taking a huge gamble. Hitting a parent is one of the worst things she can do and something which can never ever be repeated. Does she truly realise that?

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Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 22:53

@Cheesybeansontoastftw
Also I at no point said I had to use consequences often or violence . everyone has to face consequences for their actions and i am not talking about hitting them, im talking about taking their phone off them or stopping them from going somewhere if they have been rude or not listening
You said you've because she's only rude when she's tired or hungry, you cannot see that again you are making excuses for bad behaviour, being rude, and slapping people because you are tired or hungry is not an excuse
But you seem to find that this behaviour is okay as in your OP said yourself she is well know for it
I suggest you are the one who needs to look at your parenting not me, as I said in my original post I have never hit my children and they never hit me, but I also would not take them up a treat if they were rude, everyone is telling you the same thing but you don't want to listen, maybe she gets it from you that's why you can't see it. I personally find you very rude, you come on here to get peoples opinions but when they give them if you don't like it you turn nasty and aggressive, maybe your daughter has a good teacher and you both need to look at your behaviour

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 23:16

Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 22:53

@Cheesybeansontoastftw
Also I at no point said I had to use consequences often or violence . everyone has to face consequences for their actions and i am not talking about hitting them, im talking about taking their phone off them or stopping them from going somewhere if they have been rude or not listening
You said you've because she's only rude when she's tired or hungry, you cannot see that again you are making excuses for bad behaviour, being rude, and slapping people because you are tired or hungry is not an excuse
But you seem to find that this behaviour is okay as in your OP said yourself she is well know for it
I suggest you are the one who needs to look at your parenting not me, as I said in my original post I have never hit my children and they never hit me, but I also would not take them up a treat if they were rude, everyone is telling you the same thing but you don't want to listen, maybe she gets it from you that's why you can't see it. I personally find you very rude, you come on here to get peoples opinions but when they give them if you don't like it you turn nasty and aggressive, maybe your daughter has a good teacher and you both need to look at your behaviour

My daughter is known for needed sleep and being grumpy if she doesn’t get a solid 9 hours she is not violent. She is known to get upset and cry if she is hungry but not violent she normallygoes places with a little snack (like a flapjack). She has never hit anyone to my knowledge before. She is normally good, well behaved, polite, helpful and does what she is told. I have not had this situation before she has never been badly behaved. She is joint head of her year at school, she is a budy for new children, does school tours and is a library monitor. She is in the orchestra, drama club, ice skates and helps at rainbows once a week. She is a good girl. I have never had to remove her phone, ipad or stop her going anywhere unless she is ill. I really suggest you take a look and think about what you are saying.

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Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2024 10:32

Does she thump any of her teachers when she is tired or hungry? Orchestra leader?

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InfamousPartyAnimal · 02/01/2024 13:12

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 23:16

My daughter is known for needed sleep and being grumpy if she doesn’t get a solid 9 hours she is not violent. She is known to get upset and cry if she is hungry but not violent she normallygoes places with a little snack (like a flapjack). She has never hit anyone to my knowledge before. She is normally good, well behaved, polite, helpful and does what she is told. I have not had this situation before she has never been badly behaved. She is joint head of her year at school, she is a budy for new children, does school tours and is a library monitor. She is in the orchestra, drama club, ice skates and helps at rainbows once a week. She is a good girl. I have never had to remove her phone, ipad or stop her going anywhere unless she is ill. I really suggest you take a look and think about what you are saying.

All of those things mean less than nothing if she is happy to thump her mother in the back of the head for daring to laugh therefore waking her up. I'm surprised you can't see that.
You seem happy to assume that as long as you curtail to her wishes and don't make a sound for the 9 hours she is asleep that all will be well. Good luck.
Please try and find the other thread mentioned about the woman suffering dv from her own daughters, her parenting style was very similar to yours, it might be eye opening.

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namechangnancy · 02/01/2024 18:03

@InfamousPartyAnimal can you share the link to the thread you mentioned and it the title of it so I can find it please ?

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InfamousPartyAnimal · 02/01/2024 20:18

@namechangnancy I can't link but it's 'Child to parent abuse' and it's in chat.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 02/01/2024 20:20

Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2024 10:32

Does she thump any of her teachers when she is tired or hungry? Orchestra leader?

Obviously, yes, she gets her violin and hits the teacher on the head, then slaps her in the face with the bow! That's what you want to think, isn't it. I give up you are all absolutely ridiculous.

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5128gap · 02/01/2024 20:31

Well, your DD has crossed a line now, hasn't she? She's gone from being grumpy when tired or hungry to physically assaulting you in your own home. And it's just that sort of serious language you should be using to address it with her.
If she's not already, it won't be long before she may be bigger and stronger than you, and if you leave her violence unchecked, she could end up hurting you repeatedly and/or seriously. You need to make an almighty fuss about this OP, dont minimise it, excuse it or normalise it. Leave her in no doubt that you see this as an incredibly serious action on her part and make sure there are consequences.

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Motherrr · 02/01/2024 20:33

Not ok for her to hit you. I would take away the wifi code and tell her to get earplugs!

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margotrose · 02/01/2024 20:34

I give up you are all absolutely ridiculous.

Yes, everyone else is ridiculous and you're the only one who's right 🫣

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 02/01/2024 20:42

InfamousPartyAnimal · 02/01/2024 13:12

All of those things mean less than nothing if she is happy to thump her mother in the back of the head for daring to laugh therefore waking her up. I'm surprised you can't see that.
You seem happy to assume that as long as you curtail to her wishes and don't make a sound for the 9 hours she is asleep that all will be well. Good luck.
Please try and find the other thread mentioned about the woman suffering dv from her own daughters, her parenting style was very similar to yours, it might be eye opening.

It wasn't the back of my head it was the top of my head let's use a bit of artistic license to make the story sound more aggressive

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 02/01/2024 20:43

Motherrr · 02/01/2024 20:33

Not ok for her to hit you. I would take away the wifi code and tell her to get earplugs!

If I remove the WiFi she can't do her homework although she could use her data. You are far too dramatic and not living in tbe real world

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mumsytoon · 02/01/2024 20:46

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 11:50

Nope I'm here!

I had a good chat with DD after reading through the first few comments. I realised that this was not right but also that it's not her normal behaviour which is why I needed some perspective.

After a chat she got her period in the night and is not in the best of moods this is fair enough. She is still trying to work her way through this woman stuff which is hard and I understand. I took her a flapjack and a cup of tea then she came down and gave me a hug.

She knows what she did wasn't right but it think everything was going wrong for her and she just needed more sleep, a shower, and some quite. She ss far from a brat normally which is why it really took me aback.

LOL at the pathetic excuses you made for her. Newsflash: plenty of girls go through the same thing but don't hit their parents. Yours is a brat.

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stomachameleon · 02/01/2024 20:49

@Cheesybeansontoastftw I think the point is apart from a nice chat and plenty of excuses there appears to be no consequence of hitting you. And there should be.
Doesn't make you abusive or not a receptive parent but striking you in any way is not ok.
Maybe she could bring it up at debating club after orchestra?

You can't be surprised that most people are shocked you have been fairly passive.

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margotrose · 02/01/2024 20:50

It wasn't the back of my head it was the top of my head let's use a bit of artistic license to make the story sound more aggressive

How is that any less aggressive Confused

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InfamousPartyAnimal · 02/01/2024 20:58

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 02/01/2024 20:42

It wasn't the back of my head it was the top of my head let's use a bit of artistic license to make the story sound more aggressive

Oh I do apologise. Obviously now you have cleared up that it was the top of your head and not the back it is clearly much less serious.
What did you hope for when you started this thread OP? Loads of mothers agreeing with you that their teens hit them when they are tired or hungry?

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LuckyCharm9 · 02/01/2024 21:03

Sorry, but some of you are absolutely ridiculous!
OP, I don’t blame you for giving up on this thread, some people on this site are truly vile.

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