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AIBU?

Teenage daughters attitude

186 replies

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 10:35

My 13 year old DD is well known for needing her sleep and being pretty grumpy if she doesn’t get enough. She is the same with food she gets extremely hangry and will sometimes be found crying for no reason. Give her a bit of fruit or toast and like magic she is fine again.

This morning 10:20am she come thudding downstairs, walks up to me and thumps me on the head. She shouts 'you woke me up with your laughter' she then grabs her phone and thuds back upstairs.

She is clearly upset that me and DH were having a nice time having coffee and a chat about Yorkshire puddings.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? Is this normal for a teenager? Am I an awful mother? Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up?

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RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 21:38

What has ADHD got to do with this? A friend has this and yes, she is scatty, disorganised, impossible to watch a film with and often late but she is also caring, kind and wouldn't dream of thumping anyone, let alone her mother, period or not.

If her pre-menstrual symptoms are so bad that they drive her to violence then she needs to see the GP. Someone will thump her back otherwise and I can't see a headteacher or a magistrate getting the flapjacks out.

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Flopsythebunny · 31/12/2023 21:43

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 19:23

@Rainbowhermit Thank you for being kind it's not been an easy day reading all of these comments. I'm apparently a terrible mother, raising a violent child who will become some kind of violent adult ruling over the family woth threats of violence!

We have discussed getting my daughter assessed for ADHD with her school before. She is a good girl with plenty of friends but very very quiet and calm at school but their believe she may have ADHD OR ADD. It's not something I had actually thought about recently because the camhs referal times are so long and she is pretty chilled most of the time. The school know more about these things than me and I have to say I thought they were being a bit OTT because sometime drifts away into her imagination in class.

Edited

More excuses!

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 21:49

RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 21:38

What has ADHD got to do with this? A friend has this and yes, she is scatty, disorganised, impossible to watch a film with and often late but she is also caring, kind and wouldn't dream of thumping anyone, let alone her mother, period or not.

If her pre-menstrual symptoms are so bad that they drive her to violence then she needs to see the GP. Someone will thump her back otherwise and I can't see a headteacher or a magistrate getting the flapjacks out.

Not much really especially as I'm not sure she has it. I just mentioned it in a comment not the original post.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 21:54

RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 21:38

What has ADHD got to do with this? A friend has this and yes, she is scatty, disorganised, impossible to watch a film with and often late but she is also caring, kind and wouldn't dream of thumping anyone, let alone her mother, period or not.

If her pre-menstrual symptoms are so bad that they drive her to violence then she needs to see the GP. Someone will thump her back otherwise and I can't see a headteacher or a magistrate getting the flapjacks out.

And everyone with adhd has it the same as your friend. All people have everything the same don't they that's what all the Dr's say isn't it. All people giving birth have the same experience and all people depression have the same too don't they 🙄

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 22:04

It must be so amazing to be the perfect mother that you obviously all are. I'm not one for corporal punishment, child abuse or ignoring my children's individual needs. I do worry about how many people are saying they would hit their children back or do other unpleasant things. I believe my children learn more from seeing me love them and treating them with compassion than any of the awful punishments you have suggested. It's really time for me to take a little break from mumsnet. I wish you all a happy new year and hope you all have such easy parenting journeys that you never have to parent in the way you have said here.

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ChocolateCinderToffee · 31/12/2023 22:09

Just a thought, have you had her blood sugar levels checked?

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EKGEMS · 31/12/2023 22:11

Loving your child also means teaching your child acceptable behavior and correcting them when they are wrong especially when they get physical with other people. If they don't learn to respect boundaries it's going to be a painful learning experience for them when outside the home they cannot hope their victim will lay down and accept it like you are. None of us are perfect parents or anywhere near it but you made a post here you cannot expect to only hear what you want

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Rawroink · 31/12/2023 22:21

I was nodding along until she hit you that is not acceptable under any circumstances

if she’s started periods please offer a good multivitamin/iron tablet

you will have to be mean and take phone/switch off wifi…they need so much sleep they are in a rapid growth stage and can’t regulate phone time themselves

give them space

tell them how much you love them often

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goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/12/2023 22:23

Hi OP, no idea if you’re still reading these as people have been pretty harsh. I haven’t been through the teen years yet as a parent but I can say that I did used to hit my Dad when I was a teen. Things were not good at home and I was very angry. I’ve never been in trouble with the police, I am a successful and functioning adult with a good job and a lovely family and wonderful friends, I don’t go round hitting people nowadays.

But. I do still have a really bad temper and have to work very hard not to snap at my DH and kids. I’ve failed on that many times which I feel awful about. My Dad punishing me didn’t help at all, it just made me angrier; kindness and hugs probably would’ve helped diffuse it. But more than anything I wish that someone would’ve taught me some anger management skills when I was younger. Your DD surely knows she shouldn’t be hitting you, so maybe now that things are repaired between you that’s something you can talk about with her.

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PixieLaLar · 01/01/2024 01:31

Drip….drip…….drip

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PinkCandles · 01/01/2024 02:02

Your dd knew that she could hit you on the head and you and your dh who was also there would do nothing about it, other than make excuses and give her treats. She sounds like a child who has never been told off or told no. You're doing her no favours letting her think assaulting people is acceptable behaviour.

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Aydel · 01/01/2024 02:08

You need to parent your child. And don’t use potential ADHD as an excuse. Both DD and I have ADHD and neither of us feel the need to hit anyone.

Also, get your DD’s blood pressure and iron levels checked. Not as an excuse for walloping her mother, but these might be reasons for being hangry and irrational.

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VoiceOfCommonSense · 01/01/2024 07:34

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 10:35

My 13 year old DD is well known for needing her sleep and being pretty grumpy if she doesn’t get enough. She is the same with food she gets extremely hangry and will sometimes be found crying for no reason. Give her a bit of fruit or toast and like magic she is fine again.

This morning 10:20am she come thudding downstairs, walks up to me and thumps me on the head. She shouts 'you woke me up with your laughter' she then grabs her phone and thuds back upstairs.

She is clearly upset that me and DH were having a nice time having coffee and a chat about Yorkshire puddings.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? Is this normal for a teenager? Am I an awful mother? Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up?

A good slap would probably adjust her attitude. It’s for her own good in the long run. Kids these days think their actions have no consequences..

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Beezknees · 01/01/2024 07:40

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/12/2023 22:23

Hi OP, no idea if you’re still reading these as people have been pretty harsh. I haven’t been through the teen years yet as a parent but I can say that I did used to hit my Dad when I was a teen. Things were not good at home and I was very angry. I’ve never been in trouble with the police, I am a successful and functioning adult with a good job and a lovely family and wonderful friends, I don’t go round hitting people nowadays.

But. I do still have a really bad temper and have to work very hard not to snap at my DH and kids. I’ve failed on that many times which I feel awful about. My Dad punishing me didn’t help at all, it just made me angrier; kindness and hugs probably would’ve helped diffuse it. But more than anything I wish that someone would’ve taught me some anger management skills when I was younger. Your DD surely knows she shouldn’t be hitting you, so maybe now that things are repaired between you that’s something you can talk about with her.

I don't mean to be harsh but why should someone respond to you being violent to them with a hug? If a stranger on the street hit you because they were going through a hard time would you be kind to them? It's not acceptable.

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goodkidsmaadhouse · 01/01/2024 08:37

Beezknees · 01/01/2024 07:40

I don't mean to be harsh but why should someone respond to you being violent to them with a hug? If a stranger on the street hit you because they were going through a hard time would you be kind to them? It's not acceptable.

A stranger on the street is a very different scenario to a parent and child. Children often behave badly with their parents but beautifully with everyone else because their parents are their safe space. (No idea what’s going on specifically with the OP and her DD. This is just a general comment. But the OP has said that her DD’s behaviour on this occasion was very out of character.)
For myself I can only say that I spent years really very angry with my Dad because he brought an abusive relationship into my life. If he’d seen my anger as communication and tried to understand it and the level to which his actions were affecting me then… who knows… maybe he would have ended that relationship. Or at least tried to minimise its impact one me. Or just apologised! But punishing me just pushed me further away.
My kids are very aware that violence in our home is not on but if any of them hit me I would absolutely want to find out what was causing it and reconnect afterwards, not just ‘come down on them like a ton of bricks’. Just a slightly different perspective, that’s all.

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arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2024 09:11

There's quite a lot of space in between being a perfect mother and baking flapjacks for them when they thump you.

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Wishimaywishimight · 01/01/2024 09:26

OP, have a read of another thread on at the moment where the OP is suffering at the hands of her 2 late-teen daughters having been a very gentle type parent throughout their lives. She did them (or herself) no favours.

You seem to be quite surprisingly unaffected by your daughter thumping you! Regardless of her other behaviours, you really need to clamp down on violent behaviour.

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InfamousPartyAnimal · 01/01/2024 10:34

Wishimaywishimight · 01/01/2024 09:26

OP, have a read of another thread on at the moment where the OP is suffering at the hands of her 2 late-teen daughters having been a very gentle type parent throughout their lives. She did them (or herself) no favours.

You seem to be quite surprisingly unaffected by your daughter thumping you! Regardless of her other behaviours, you really need to clamp down on violent behaviour.

I just came back to say this! I don't know how to link threads on here but it would be very sobering reading for the OP.

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CurlewKate · 01/01/2024 12:54

She is allowed to be grumpy.

She is absolutely not allowed to hit you.

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margotrose · 01/01/2024 13:00

It must be so amazing to be the perfect mother that you obviously all are. I'm not one for corporal punishment, child abuse or ignoring my children's individual needs

There's a huge gap between child abuse and giving your daughter a flapjack, a cup of tea and a hug after they thump you on the head.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:42

Beezknees · 01/01/2024 07:40

I don't mean to be harsh but why should someone respond to you being violent to them with a hug? If a stranger on the street hit you because they were going through a hard time would you be kind to them? It's not acceptable.

I don't tend to hug random people in the streets but if someone seemed like they needed it perhaps I would.

Or perhaps if the persons mother / father /caregiver had taken time to sit down and understand them and what they were going through and hug them it may never have happened. Perhaps they only understand violence because that's what they have been brought up with because the adults in their lives hit them to solve behaviour issues. Violence is not the answer to violence understanding the cause of the violence can help much more. There is so little compassion here.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:47

goodkidsmaadhouse · 01/01/2024 08:37

A stranger on the street is a very different scenario to a parent and child. Children often behave badly with their parents but beautifully with everyone else because their parents are their safe space. (No idea what’s going on specifically with the OP and her DD. This is just a general comment. But the OP has said that her DD’s behaviour on this occasion was very out of character.)
For myself I can only say that I spent years really very angry with my Dad because he brought an abusive relationship into my life. If he’d seen my anger as communication and tried to understand it and the level to which his actions were affecting me then… who knows… maybe he would have ended that relationship. Or at least tried to minimise its impact one me. Or just apologised! But punishing me just pushed me further away.
My kids are very aware that violence in our home is not on but if any of them hit me I would absolutely want to find out what was causing it and reconnect afterwards, not just ‘come down on them like a ton of bricks’. Just a slightly different perspective, that’s all.

I'm sorry you went through this but the fact that you are using your experience to be more compassionate and kind on your family is the best way. We learn and grow and take the lessons life has given us to make our children's lifes better than ours. You sound like a wonderful parent ❤

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Beezknees · 01/01/2024 14:49

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:42

I don't tend to hug random people in the streets but if someone seemed like they needed it perhaps I would.

Or perhaps if the persons mother / father /caregiver had taken time to sit down and understand them and what they were going through and hug them it may never have happened. Perhaps they only understand violence because that's what they have been brought up with because the adults in their lives hit them to solve behaviour issues. Violence is not the answer to violence understanding the cause of the violence can help much more. There is so little compassion here.

No one is suggesting to respond to violence with violence though. There is a middle ground.

I've raised a DS as a young single mum in poverty with no male role model for him, often boys in his situation end up going off the rails. There has to be some form of discipline and authority with teenagers. You can be compassionate and ALSO recognise that not everything should go unpunished.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:51

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2024 09:11

There's quite a lot of space in between being a perfect mother and baking flapjacks for them when they thump you.

I didn't bake the flapjacks! Thats far from my thing. My DH is incharge of all coking and shopping for food ( I do the cleaning and other shopping ) because mine is pretty much inedible i can just about put a pizza in the oven. My DH made them a couple of days ago with the kids while I was WFH.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 15:00

Wishimaywishimight · 01/01/2024 09:26

OP, have a read of another thread on at the moment where the OP is suffering at the hands of her 2 late-teen daughters having been a very gentle type parent throughout their lives. She did them (or herself) no favours.

You seem to be quite surprisingly unaffected by your daughter thumping you! Regardless of her other behaviours, you really need to clamp down on violent behaviour.

I am far from a gentle parent it's really not settling children up for life. I have seen children who have been completely feral and parents sit back and do nothing because they are exploring life. I have dropped 2 friends over the years for this. One took an entire lunch I had provided and threw it on the floor. We were just meant to accept this because they didn't like saussage rolls so none of us were allowed them! They were asked to leave and have not been back. If I hear someone talking about gentle parenting it's a red flag to me.

I am a parent who is gentle and understanding but we do very much have boundaries and live in a kind family where we try to respect each other and show compassion.

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