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AIBU?

Teenage daughters attitude

186 replies

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 10:35

My 13 year old DD is well known for needing her sleep and being pretty grumpy if she doesn’t get enough. She is the same with food she gets extremely hangry and will sometimes be found crying for no reason. Give her a bit of fruit or toast and like magic she is fine again.

This morning 10:20am she come thudding downstairs, walks up to me and thumps me on the head. She shouts 'you woke me up with your laughter' she then grabs her phone and thuds back upstairs.

She is clearly upset that me and DH were having a nice time having coffee and a chat about Yorkshire puddings.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? Is this normal for a teenager? Am I an awful mother? Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

300 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
8%
You are NOT being unreasonable
92%
TheSunIsShiningAndTheSkyIsBlue · 31/12/2023 14:26

Bad behaviour.

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Midnightgrey · 31/12/2023 14:28

If this was a dog, you would be told that you had just rewarded bad behaviour with a treat. Dogs work this out and I'm fairly sure your daughter is a bit smarter than a spaniel. Our spaniel worked out that if he started pulling fur out of his tail he got distracted with treats and extra walks. He ended up at the vet with only a vestige of his tail. The vet had no doubt about what happened and when he wasn't rewarded for fur pulling his tail regrew.

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RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 31/12/2023 14:30

You might want to tell her that if she goes around "thumping" people when she's hungry/tired/on her period she will end up getting the shit kicked out of her at some point.
That might make her think twice, since she currently got away with it. Real life requires some self control, if only for self preservation...

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OrchardBlack · 31/12/2023 14:31

😬

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InfamousPartyAnimal · 31/12/2023 14:31

Jfc, a cup of tea and a flapjack is her consequence?
I too have a 13 year old daughter that - shock horror- deals with periods etc, she has hit me precisely zero times! It wouldn't even cross her mind to do so.
I look forward to your future threads in a couple of years when your daughter rules the household and you can't work out why🙄

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SoWhat21 · 31/12/2023 14:33

Jesus OP what on earth? I have 3 teenagers from 13 to 17. My DD has had terrible periods since she turned 11. In addition she was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome about 18 months ago. So I know all about teenage girls needing sleep and suffering with periods. Let me tell you neither her or her brothers have come close to raising a hand to me. And if they did my reaction would not be providing tea and snacks. It would be a very severe dressing down with immediate consequences. Her behaviours is so beyond unacceptable and absolutely not excusable in any way. I can’t believe your DH didn’t step in. Mine would be more furious than me if that happened

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Ohnotyoutoo · 31/12/2023 14:39

It would be a very severe dressing down with immediate consequences.

Ho, ho, same here. Time to toughen up and let her know that she's going to have periods for another 40 odd years so this is no way to start; not to mention that thumping of any kind is unacceptable.

I'd also hoover very loudly outside her room tomorrow morning. I wouldn't say I'm petty, but it's more like a "tough shit" kinda moment. Life's tough, get over it.

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Octomingo · 31/12/2023 14:40

Jesus christ, mine get their arses handed to them if I don't like their tone😁

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Sunnydays0101 · 31/12/2023 15:07

Thumping you on the head is not normal behaviour from a teen or indeed from anyone. Your DD needs to be told quite clearly that behaviour is not acceptable and there needs to be consequences.

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Sunnydays0101 · 31/12/2023 15:10

A cup of tea and a flapjack as a consequence for thumping you on the head!!!

I’d have removed her phone for the day after strong words, let her make her own tea and then offered words of comfort for not feeling well.

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commonsense61 · 31/12/2023 15:14

@Cheesybeansontoastftw Stop making excuses for your daughters abusive behaviour.
Let her know assaulting you is unacceptable for any reason.
Let her know that in day time hours the house is used by others and that may include 'laughter"
Let her know that manipulating others to get what you want is unacceptable.
Thumping ,shouting ,being grumpy to get what you want is unacceptable.
Believe me it will stand her in good stead for life in the adult world.

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millymog11 · 31/12/2023 15:18

being grumpy = comes with the territory

hitting or any kind of physical violence = totally and completely unacceptable.If you haven't put a lid on that you need to do so immediately and never tolerate it ever again.

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diddl · 31/12/2023 15:25

A cup of tea and a flapjack as a consequence for thumping you on the head!!!

Ikr!

Jfc!

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PixieLaLar · 31/12/2023 15:34

I don’t know what’s worse, her behaviour or you minimising her violence and making ridiculous excuses for her! Good luck with the next couple of years 😂

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Rainbowhermit · 31/12/2023 15:39

Op, for what it’s worth I think you handled this appropriately. Your daughter is clearly finding it hard to cope at the moment. From what you say, she knows she was wrong and she has shown she is sorry. We have had similar here, although my dd is autistic and struggles with emotions due to that. Punishing by withholding phones or grounding would have been so counterproductive as the important ‘chat’ about how to handle things better etc would not have been possible.
agree with others though, that getting bloods and sugars checked by gp just to make sure there is nothing else going in would be a good idea.
Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

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VirtualRealitee · 31/12/2023 15:57

Rainbowhermit · 31/12/2023 15:39

Op, for what it’s worth I think you handled this appropriately. Your daughter is clearly finding it hard to cope at the moment. From what you say, she knows she was wrong and she has shown she is sorry. We have had similar here, although my dd is autistic and struggles with emotions due to that. Punishing by withholding phones or grounding would have been so counterproductive as the important ‘chat’ about how to handle things better etc would not have been possible.
agree with others though, that getting bloods and sugars checked by gp just to make sure there is nothing else going in would be a good idea.
Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

As the mother of 3 adult DC who have never raised a hand to me and never would, I can confirm that yes, it does lead to very supportive and understanding relationships.

They understand you never thump your mother on the head, and I support them in that without a flapjack or any other bribe in sight.

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margotrose · 31/12/2023 15:58

Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

Someone who stomps around thumping their own mother in the head doesn't need support and understanding, they need a bollocking.

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Justintimeee · 31/12/2023 16:03

Normal for her to be cranky, when tired and hungry. Not normal for her to hit you. Have a stern word about positive communication and how hitting should never be used. Do not match her tone and energy but put your foot down.

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Arata · 31/12/2023 16:10

After a chat she got her period in the night and is not in the best of moods this is fair enough. She is still trying to work her way through this woman stuff which is hard and I understand. I took her a flapjack and a cup of tea then she came down and gave me a hug.

Seriously? A flapjack and a cup of tea for assaulting you? Having a period DOES NOT give someone the right to assault another person bad mood or not. If she’d been mine she’d have been handed her arse on a plate for storming down stairs and hitting me on the head. What will be next? Thinking it’s ok to assault a partner when she’s older because mum let her think this behaviour was acceptable because she was dealing with “woman stuff”. The mind boggles!

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Arata · 31/12/2023 16:14

Rainbowhermit · 31/12/2023 15:39

Op, for what it’s worth I think you handled this appropriately. Your daughter is clearly finding it hard to cope at the moment. From what you say, she knows she was wrong and she has shown she is sorry. We have had similar here, although my dd is autistic and struggles with emotions due to that. Punishing by withholding phones or grounding would have been so counterproductive as the important ‘chat’ about how to handle things better etc would not have been possible.
agree with others though, that getting bloods and sugars checked by gp just to make sure there is nothing else going in would be a good idea.
Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

I have 2 adult DDs and one adult DS. NONE were allowed to hit me and we had firm boundaries, I am very close with all of my children so clearly boundaries and zero tolerance for violence never affected them. Being supportive and understanding shouldn’t allow anyone to assault you imo.

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RescueRespect · 31/12/2023 16:17

Catopia · 31/12/2023 11:01

Go upstairs, hand her a sandwich, remove the phone, tell her it's unacceptable for her to hit you for any reason and she can come downstairs when she's ready to talk about it. There's no point trying to reason with her until she's eaten something. Between raging hormones and blood sugar probably being through the floor because of the lie-in, she's in no position to currently have a sensible conversation.

Wtf. A lie-in causes blood sugars to plummet?

This teen is out of control. Her behaviour was unacceptable.

A serious talk about behaviour is needed. And an apology from her.

And I have kids ages 18 and 19 so have been through the teen years.

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Notchangingnameagain · 31/12/2023 16:18

Nope I'm here! 

I had a good chat with DD after reading through the first few comments. I realised that this was not right but also that it's not her normal behaviour which is why I needed some perspective. 

After a chat she got her period in the night and is not in the best of moods this is fair enough. She is still trying to work her way through this woman stuff which is hard and I understand. I took her a flapjack and a cup of tea then she came down and gave me a hug.

She knows what she did wasn't right but it think everything was going wrong for her and she just needed more sleep, a shower, and some quite. She ss far from a brat normally which is why it really took me aback.

You are minimising.

Being tired, hungry, having a period blah, blah, blah is not an acceptable excuse.

Your DD left her bedroom, travelled to where you were in the house and hit you.

Your DD was unable to cool down enough by the time she travelled to you, to just have moan or shout about being woken up.

And actually even just shouting at being woken up is unacceptable behaviour.

Teaching your DD this should start today.

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Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 16:19

Vitriolinsanity · 31/12/2023 14:14

And it would not involve tea or sodding flapjacks.

I'm trying and failing to imagine hitting my mum at 13.

Being a teen is no excuse for being a spiteful, aggressive yob.

I can imagine it.

My arse would have been flying over the doorstep

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Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 16:21

Rainbowhermit · 31/12/2023 15:39

Op, for what it’s worth I think you handled this appropriately. Your daughter is clearly finding it hard to cope at the moment. From what you say, she knows she was wrong and she has shown she is sorry. We have had similar here, although my dd is autistic and struggles with emotions due to that. Punishing by withholding phones or grounding would have been so counterproductive as the important ‘chat’ about how to handle things better etc would not have been possible.
agree with others though, that getting bloods and sugars checked by gp just to make sure there is nothing else going in would be a good idea.
Some of you seem so harsh in your responses - does it lead to supportive and understanding relationships.

There is ZERO excuse for a child to hit their parent (as would be the reverse)

So no, a cup of tea and a flapjack is not the solution.

A VERY stern talking-to, an apology from the child and a suitable punishment (loss of phone for at least 24 hours) would be the minimum

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Mmhmmn · 31/12/2023 16:22

Thudding you or anyone else on the head in any circumstances is obviously totally unacceptable and you should tell her that as her parent. Whether it happens immediately or hours ago or longer.

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