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AIBU?

Teenage daughters attitude

186 replies

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 10:35

My 13 year old DD is well known for needing her sleep and being pretty grumpy if she doesn’t get enough. She is the same with food she gets extremely hangry and will sometimes be found crying for no reason. Give her a bit of fruit or toast and like magic she is fine again.

This morning 10:20am she come thudding downstairs, walks up to me and thumps me on the head. She shouts 'you woke me up with your laughter' she then grabs her phone and thuds back upstairs.

She is clearly upset that me and DH were having a nice time having coffee and a chat about Yorkshire puddings.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? Is this normal for a teenager? Am I an awful mother? Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up?

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stomachameleon · 01/01/2024 15:02

@Cheesybeansontoastftw in the nicest way possible every time you post I think you are missing the point.
It doesn't matter where the flap Jack came from.
It doesn't matter she was on her period.
Or that she gets 'hangry'
Or she may or may not have asd/ adhd.

It's the smacking you round the head. Then excusing it. It's not a road you should go down without it being addressed. Properly. With consequences.

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Wishimaywishimight · 01/01/2024 15:20

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:51

I didn't bake the flapjacks! Thats far from my thing. My DH is incharge of all coking and shopping for food ( I do the cleaning and other shopping ) because mine is pretty much inedible i can just about put a pizza in the oven. My DH made them a couple of days ago with the kids while I was WFH.

The origin of the flapjacks is probably not relevant 😄

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Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 15:21

I can see she behaves like this a lot to do with your parenting skills, I have never hit my child I have never had to, as there has always been consequences for any bad behaviour, but if one of them had ever hit me, they'd be getting a good slap back and grounded.
We all get grumpy when tired but you are making excuses for darn right insolence.

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margotrose · 01/01/2024 15:23

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 14:51

I didn't bake the flapjacks! Thats far from my thing. My DH is incharge of all coking and shopping for food ( I do the cleaning and other shopping ) because mine is pretty much inedible i can just about put a pizza in the oven. My DH made them a couple of days ago with the kids while I was WFH.

Talk about missing the point 😬

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 15:24

Wishimaywishimight · 01/01/2024 15:20

The origin of the flapjacks is probably not relevant 😄

No but it was commented that I had baked them to give to her and I didn't. She baked them with her father I was jusy saying that I didn't honour if my way to bake for her!

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Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 15:29

If I were you ladies I would not comment on this post anymore, she is always going to make excuses for her child's obnoxious behaviour, we all have had periods and some of us have children with ADHD, would we slap other people because of it, I think not.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 15:32

Copperoliverbear · 01/01/2024 15:21

I can see she behaves like this a lot to do with your parenting skills, I have never hit my child I have never had to, as there has always been consequences for any bad behaviour, but if one of them had ever hit me, they'd be getting a good slap back and grounded.
We all get grumpy when tired but you are making excuses for darn right insolence.

Where can you see this? Have you been spying? Do you have a hidden camera? Am I in a cheesybeansontoastftw version the Trueman show? Get a grip I posted because I was shocked and was trying to get some perspective on what had happened. It had not happened before. My kids are good and have always been non violent evwn to eachother no matter what anyone here seems to have made up in their imagination. I have never realy had to have any 'consequences' because they are well behaved with good manners. Sounds like you need to look at your own parenting if you have to use 'consequences' so often and feel like you need to keep violence as something you may use on your children.

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Animalloveruropiniondntmatter · 01/01/2024 15:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

squirrelnutkin10 · 01/01/2024 15:34

Well it is going to be very interesting when she goes out in the world and thumps anyone who disturbs her...she will get thumped back or arrested for assault.

I have two teenagers and if either of them hit me l would hit the roof, but it would not occur to them to strike anyone however angry they were.

You are wrongly making excuses.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 15:37

margotrose · 01/01/2024 15:23

Talk about missing the point 😬

And you haven't?

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arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2024 15:39

Ok op. You're right and everyone else is wrong. I wish you good luck.

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Healthyhappymama · 01/01/2024 15:39

I think it's normal for her to be grumpy, want sleep and be hangry but hitting you on the head is not OK. I'd be having words to say that she can't treat you this way and you will not be tip toeing about the place at 10am. Why should you have to be quiet and not laugh just because she's sleeping. 7am I'd be considerate but after 10 am no way would I be tip toeing about at that time!

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WhichIsItWendy · 01/01/2024 15:43

I was awful to my mum at that age. Lots of strops, lots of wise comments and the occasional name calling. I would NEVER hit my mum. I've never hit anyone in rage, it's never ok and I always knew where the boundaries were.

My mum but up with a lot as she suffered with pretty bad hormonal bouts herself, but in no world would thumping be ok, my mum and dad would have come down on me badly (not hitting but with consequences).

No one's perfect, we don't all handle things right. But rather than be defensive, take some time to think through how this happened. You allow her to be bratty when she has less sleep and when she's hungry. You seem to be explaining away a lot of her poor behaviour. This isn't an ADHD thing. This is a lack of respect thing. She lacks respect for you and whilst she'll be happier you responded with flapjack rather than a consequence, you haven't helped her in the long run and you haven't gained her respect. You've reinforced that she can act however she pleases when she's annoyed.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 01/01/2024 15:44

I don’t understand what you expected to achieve from posting?

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NeedToChangeName · 01/01/2024 15:47

OP, I didn't say that you are a terrible mother

And I agree with you that hitting your daughter would not be a suitable way to remonstrate with her

And I didn't claim to be a perfect parent

But, you sought views and I maintain that periods / hormones / possible ADHD are not valid reasons to thump your mother (or anyone else) around the head

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Onelifeonly · 01/01/2024 15:50

I haven't read everyone's responses but have read all of yours OP. I think you sound like a great parent, looking at what lies behind the behaviour, rather than responding simply with a sanction. I can't believe anyone truly thinks a slap back or random punishment is a good idea.

I do think you need to talk over what happened with her and make it clear you do not expect her to hit you again - can't recall if you said you have done this.

Meeting her needs by giving her attention and a snack is NOT accepting the behaviour but treating her with the understanding and respect she (you all) deserves.

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margotrose · 01/01/2024 15:54

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 15:37

And you haven't?

I really haven't. I'm not the one arguing about who baked flapjacks or defending a 13 year old thumping you on the head Confused

Periods, being hungry, being woken up early and potentially having ADHD are not excuses or reasons to hit your mother.

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Onelifeonly · 01/01/2024 15:56

She may have ADHD - interesting the school have suggested it as I doubt they would mention it without good cause - as this can make children very impulsive in the moment. They do not have the same executive functioning skills to check their responses as NT children do. My ADHD dd hit me on very rare occasions when very aroused / frustrated. She has not grown up to be violent and is fully aware of right and wrong.

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Cheesybeansontoastftw · 01/01/2024 16:07

Onelifeonly · 01/01/2024 15:50

I haven't read everyone's responses but have read all of yours OP. I think you sound like a great parent, looking at what lies behind the behaviour, rather than responding simply with a sanction. I can't believe anyone truly thinks a slap back or random punishment is a good idea.

I do think you need to talk over what happened with her and make it clear you do not expect her to hit you again - can't recall if you said you have done this.

Meeting her needs by giving her attention and a snack is NOT accepting the behaviour but treating her with the understanding and respect she (you all) deserves.

Thank you for this.

I took her a snack and tea and we had a good chat. We discussed what was going on and what can and can't happen and had a big hug. Mumsnet seems to think this is wrong I'm not sure I want to parent in a world where that's the wrong thing.

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EKGEMS · 01/01/2024 16:27

Onelifeonly · 01/01/2024 15:50

I haven't read everyone's responses but have read all of yours OP. I think you sound like a great parent, looking at what lies behind the behaviour, rather than responding simply with a sanction. I can't believe anyone truly thinks a slap back or random punishment is a good idea.

I do think you need to talk over what happened with her and make it clear you do not expect her to hit you again - can't recall if you said you have done this.

Meeting her needs by giving her attention and a snack is NOT accepting the behaviour but treating her with the understanding and respect she (you all) deserves.

No one here has advocated for the daughter to be placed in isolation and fed bread and water rations as if she's a prisoner-no matter what I did wrong as a child I knew my parents both loved me but I also knew if I crossed a line and assaulted them I would be disciplined and it wouldn't be pleasant. I don't mean I'd be physically disciplined though I would've understood an attempt to protect themselves from me harming them.

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Horrace · 01/01/2024 16:32

Obviously OP has given us the shortened version of what has happened. It excludes a whole parent child relationship, feelings, personalities, back stories etc.
Clearly The OP is upset at her child's behaviour. She has reached out here for some support and all you lot can do is attack and judge.
Not helpful.

None of you know the dynamic between parent and child and I think a little kindness wouldn't go amiss.

It's doubtful the young person is going to end up hitting strangers in the street the second she is hungry or tired as some of you have suggested.

Give advice, yes. But do it in a less nasty and judgy manner. The OP is more likely to stay around and take the advice rather than feel attacked.

I hope today is better for you OP. X

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RedStripeypillow · 01/01/2024 16:49

These are the questions you asked. PPs have answered them. You are now upset that they have answered them.

AIBU to think I can laugh in my own home? (NO)

Is this normal for a teenager? (NO)

Am I an awful mother? (MAYBE YOU SOUND A LITTLE WEAK )

Do I need to spend the rest of her teenage years tiptoeing around joyless and whispering so I don't accidentally wake her up? NO, YOU TELL HER IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE REGARDLESS OF WHETHER SHE HAS PMS OR IS HANGRY AND THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES IF SHE EVER DOES THIS AGAIN)

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PinkCandles · 01/01/2024 16:54

OP asked if this was normal and perhaps expected people to reply "Teenagers are such grumps, glad you've smoothed things over with her with treats and a hug"
People have pointed out that no this is not normal and she and her dh are being far too soft. Most kids are taught as toddlers that hitting isn't ok.
It's doing op and her dd no favours to pretend that a 13 year old hitting their parent is usual teen behaviour.

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Nanny0gg · 01/01/2024 16:55

Cheesybeansontoastftw · 31/12/2023 22:04

It must be so amazing to be the perfect mother that you obviously all are. I'm not one for corporal punishment, child abuse or ignoring my children's individual needs. I do worry about how many people are saying they would hit their children back or do other unpleasant things. I believe my children learn more from seeing me love them and treating them with compassion than any of the awful punishments you have suggested. It's really time for me to take a little break from mumsnet. I wish you all a happy new year and hope you all have such easy parenting journeys that you never have to parent in the way you have said here.

Enough with the hyperbole!

I don't think you're terrible parents. I think you're passive parents.

And if you think that a stern talking-to and the loss of said phone for a while is too much then I despair

Maybe if one of my DGDs hadn't been assaulted by a kid with ASD at school and then had it used an excuse for giving them an injury that required hospitalisation I wouldn't be so cross about it.

You're doing her no favours.

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RedHelenB · 01/01/2024 16:57

Baghelpplease · 31/12/2023 10:37

She thinks it is acceptable to hit you? I think you're under reacting.

This. Think I might be removing her phone pronto until she shows a bit more respect.

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