Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

[perfumelover99]

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm coming from the child side of this and I was gutted to meet multiple siblings for the first time at 25. They absolutely shouldn't have any pressures or secrets ect that bit I completely agree with. The adults hurt in the situation should have time to deal with their own heartbreak in this but ultimately conversations need to be had for the best outcome for all the kids. Bil I think we all know should have neither woman.

Nonsense! These kids have their parents, or one at least, and presumably her family. They don't need their cousins, nor are they entitled to them. Sure cousins are like siblings in some families but many are not. I have 3 cousins who mean little or nothing to me. I only knew them vaguely as a child (2 much older and 1 younger whom I knew better). We never lived close by and the older ones showed no interest whatsoever when we did meet. The younger one I have seen as an adult but we have nothing in common and only make polite small talk.

If I was SIL I'd be insisting we go for full custody of said twins. Then the kids can all be together in one household. If we didn't win, at least the OW would have to deal with the stress of a drawn out custody battle and losing as much time with her kids. Yes, I'd do it, and be quite happy to make the twins my own. Either that or kick my cheating DH to the curb, which is the more likely approach.

This with bells on - BIL is being very selfish, and DH needs to put his own DC's emotional wellbeing first. I strongly suspect the affair to be ongoing, for her to confidently reach out as she has. Your poor SIL. Has she found this out whilst pregnant? How many children does he now need to financially support? Has your DH already met them? There's nothing to stop him of course, if he wants a relationship, but I'd be pissed off, if he has been doing so, without me knowing.

No, they have their two shit parents and that’s all they need. They’ll make friends, they don’t need to be shoved in anyone else’s face.

Any exclusion they feel is on their parents.

So brother in law stopped speaking to you and your husband... good!!! I wouldn't want to speak to such horrible person anyway.

Using children as pawns in a battle to gain the upper hand is morally indefensible. There is nothing to say this ow is a bad mother who deserves to lose her children, nor that it would be in the children's interests to live with their scumbag father full time.

I would be scathing about this to my husband, OP: how dare he support his brother's betrayal and lies and want to put your poor children in the position of keeping such a secret from their cousins, the actual half siblings of these children!

His brother is a arsehole to do this to his wife and family. He needs to sort it out from that side before his mistress' children are introduced to the wider family.

YANBU

Your BIL sounds like a dick, bringing everyone into his mess, and expecting them to dance to his tune about it all.

The OW (presumably) knew she was the mistress, so to expect to meet the "real" family now smacks of trying to break up your BIL and his wife, so thst she can have him (God knows why, he sounds appallingly).

It is a real shame about the poor twins, but that's the BIL and OWs fault. I'd trust my instincts and steer well clear until the dust has settled, or at the absolute least, until your SIL is well over having her latest baby. Are you close with her?

I wouldn't be using them as pawns. If I was to keep going with a cheating DH, I'd either be all in or all out. Fathers can go for full custody just as much as mothers. I'm all for a house full of kids, biological, adopted, fostered, however and I'd treat them all the same. I refuse to be in a marriage where I'm split. All in or all out.

Teaching kids to keep "secrets" is an instant safeguarding nightmare and an abusers dream. Not saying anyone currently involved is an abuser, I just mean that agreeing to the principle of keeping secrets is very unhealthy for them mentally.

They should be free to talk about anything in their lives and "new family" is a pretty big damn secret.

And your husband is a weak willed idiot. Of course it's your business when it involves the family kids so he should have told you and SIL right away. I'd lose a lot of respect for him over this.

Do not agree to BIL fucked up selfish wants. I'd be Team SIL all the way and hope she divorces his cheating scummy arse.

God almighty, why can't some men keep it in their pants.
Your kids cannot meet the twins until their other family members have. Think of the further betrayal for the SIL (who is nuts to stay with him).

I would speak to your sil and tell her what is going on.

Drag me into your drama but do NOT expect me to lie, cheat, sneak and hide!

I would also question the integrity and values of these lying men.

Oh right. Your point seemed to be more about causing the ow as much stress as possible and having the kids as property. I personally would be focusing on divorcing a shit husband and father.

Full custody is unusual in the UK. Drug users and people who go to prison are granted child contact- being a cheater won’t mean that you lose custody. Each parent would get up to 50% only and it sounds like the husband is happy having 2 partners so wouldn’t punish the mother of the twins. The fact that he wants OP’s kids to meet his kids suggests that he sees their relationship as long term.

I agree with you OP. Definitely very odd. Why would she buy your kids presents? Is she seeing your kids as a foot in the family door?
You are right to say no.

Drama llama. Sounds like he has two relationships going at the same time.

DH is a grown man and can meet whoever he wants too. Getting your children to meet these cousins when their own siblings haven’t is fucked up. Especially as they’d have to keep it a secret. You can’t ask children to keep secrets ever, let alone huge ones like that!

DH can go but the children and I would not be involved at all. What a mess

“They can meet but I won’t be expecting them to keep it a secret. They will be free to talk about it with whoever they like”

Ate you going to tell sil the latest? I wouldn’t want to be in your position now.

I probably would be too. I've never been in this situation but, hypothetically, if it was to have any chance of working, as couple either we are all in or all out with the kids and marriage.

I'm just indifferent to any pain and suffering of the OW in the process. She made her choices, now I make mine in response. If it causes her stress, that's not my concern.

In that case, I'd be out. I could do EOW where he doesn't go to her house or see her more than necessary for exchanges. I don't do things by half. This would involve me committing myself to those children as well, so I'd want to do it fully. Or I'm out.

OP it is a confusing post.
Your BIL has an affair - is it ongoing?
Your SIL is pregnant - she knows about the affair but has she forgiven BIL?

Agree with this. Secrets like this are so damaging.

Completely understand SIL's position BUT it's not just about her and all kids should have the opportunity to have a relationship with their siblings.

Also don't understand how SIL can continue in this relationship, those children aren't going away.

That's not what Redburnett said at all.

I don't think you can ask your DC to keep this sort of secret, until BIL can introduce his own children to them then I just can't see how you can until your DCs are old enough to decide this themselves.

As awful as your BIL has been it is wrong to be hiding this from his other children. It's so awful for your SIL of course, she is in a terrible situation she did not ask for, but even so they shouldn't be hiding it. If your SIL can't accept it then she ought to be getting rid of BIL but she can't hide the fact it's happened and there are DC involved who are siblings of her DC.

This.
BIL needs to sort this out.