Husband wants kids to meet BIL's love children?

[perfumelover99]

So basically my husband has just told me that his brother has twins with another woman despite being married.

The twins are two years old and it had been very hush hush and even the wife didnt find out until recently, my husband knew from day one but I understand him not telling me as its none of my business.

My SIL is adamant that she does not want her kids meeting the twins or having anything to do with them and they are not aware that they have these new siblings.

The mother of the twins has requested via my BIL that she wants to meet us and our kids and sent us presents for the kids at Christmas.

Our children are 13, 10, 6 and 6 weeks old.

Im abit concerned about having our kids meet some random woman and how confusing it will be for our own kids explaining the situation especially since they are close with the cousins from the marriage and will obviously have to keep it a secret from the cousins are unaware of the twins and affair which I dont think is fair or right.

I also do not want my kids growing up thinking its acceptable to behave the way my BIL behaves and treats women.

The twins are innocent in all of this and I feel bad as most of the family have shunned them and have sided with my SIL who is now pregnant and if she gets wind that we may possibly meet this woman it will really upset her.

My husband and BIL are keen for meeting but I dont want my kids being caught in my BIL's mess.
I have told my husband that it will be best to wait until our kids are older and can make their own decisions.

My BIl is really upset by this and has stopped speaking to me and my husband.

Am I being unreasonable?

It's all a mess. I feel for the twins. It's not their fault. I feel for sil. But the reality is, it's happened. He has to be a father to them too. As she has kids with him herself, she should understand this..it will take time however! As for your kids, I wouldn't yet. But when sils calmed down a bit, I would. But I would make it clear this isn't a secret for your kids and I would tell SIL we where going to.

Also tell BIL you aren't going to be part of his lies and you will see them once SIL is aware.

You don’t want your kids to be quiet they want them to blurt it out to your pieces and nephews and then it’s their fault his other kids know about the twins. Making BIL and the OW life easier and completely fucking over sister-in-law.

nasty manipulative people I wouldn’t let near my kids anyway

Your bil is disgusting. The ONLY secrets children should keep is if they've got someone a birthday/Xmas presents.
Ide bet my life the affairs still going strong and it wouldn't surprise me if twins mom ends up pregnant again soon.

Tell you bil you and your family won't lie to anyone and won't meet his affair kids until his other kids have met their siblings and to let you know when that's sorted.

Too long a story to tell, but I have experience of a similar situation as this in the case of my uncle and his OW and child. The four cousins from his wife and my brothers and I were very close. My uncle revealed the existence of a daughter to my mum and then years later I was introduced to them. My uncle had left his wife at that point. It was all kept secret. My cousins found out many years later that I knew and felt totally betrayed by me. They kept on asking for her address so they could meet the woman who made their dad leave them when they were young, but knowing what my cousins were like I wouldn’t tell them. We no longer speak. OW used to send us presents as well and I feel that my mum should have sent them back.
Put yourself in your SiLs position and ask yourself how you would feel.

Nope, don’t have your children involved in secrecy and lies.

You risk losing your relationship with your SIL and her children for this ‘man’.

Of course the affair is ongoing! BIL is just trying to hide it or to make out it’s “ended”. I feel sorry for SIL and the OW too (even though she’s cheeky with her words and actions) because who knows what BIL has told OW? I wouldn’t want and don’t think it’s fair on you and your DC to meet the OW and the twins.

I’ve sort of been not involved but known directly about similar to this in my own family (bit different but with people keeping quiet, lies and secrets).

All I can say is it’s tiring having to live a lie but also keep up the pretence for others. And when you see people (especially children) involved in this to ensure they’re not affected or upset. Luckily I was a child/adult when this happened but I remember the daughter involved here lived near where I worked and I joked to someone if I saw her by accident (I never did) I’d hope I remembered to keep my version of the story correct. Luckily when my nana died the close family friend whose mess it was moved away and we didn’t see them again.

My god! Your BIL is a selfish wanker! I feel so sorry for your SIL.

I think she’s insane for staying with him let alone having another baby! I assume she thinks having a new baby will bring them closer. Poor woman!

My opinion is you should not meet the twins. Yea they are innocent but your BIL isn’t and neither is the other woman. Sending you Christmas presents for your children in an attempt to force her way in is awful and the presents should be sent back.

i can’t imagine how your BIL thinks he can integrate the twins and OW into everyone’s lives and still be wife his wife! What a mess!

I hope you all show your support to his wife and let the selfish wanker and his mistress deal with the consequences of their actions.

I agree with this and your husband should be ashamed of himself for going along with it. The other woman is obviously desperate to somehow validate her relationship with BIL through trying to meet his extended family and I would be playing no part in the charade until BIL and SIL work out what they are going to do.

WtAF have I just read? 😱
Ofc your BIL can not expect you to facilitate a relationship between your children and the twins, when he is not prepared to do the same for his own kids, the twins siblings!! This would be so unfair and confusing for all the children involved. How awful. Your BIL sounds like a prize twat. I’d be giving him a wide berth. Your BIL and SIL need to work this out between themselves. Definitely keep yourself and your kids well out of it.

Your husband's whole hearted support of his brother in this means it's a slippery slope for him to think this kind of behaviour (cheating on your wife and family) is acceptable and people should just roll with it.

I would make it very clear you will not be supporting BIL in his whitewashing, that your children will not be involved with the lies and secrecy, and that if your husband thinks that his brother's behaviour is reasonable at any level and your family should be getting involved in the betrayal/secrecy, then he can leave.

It's easy to feel sorry for SiL but her head in sand approach to the existence of these children whilst playing happy families w BiL isn't going to work for long. Still there's no reason for the OP to drag her children into their mess.

This. BIL is still being sneaky and keeping secrets, poor kids and poor SIL.

Perfect response to BIL

Your poor Sil. It's bad enough being cheated on but then involving children and continually lying. She deserves to know what he's trying to do and finally leave him.

On a side note "love children" is a vomit-inducing term.

This x1000.

Your husband is so misguided here.

Personally I don’t think the other woman is creating drama in sending presents. As she has no other barometer of what is going on and your bil is calling her “my girl” this to her all points that your bil has probably told her that sil and him are splitting up and she will be a much more active part of your family

I think the fundamental issue is what is going on in your bil/sil relationship. They need to make up their minds what is happening and have an honest conversation with each other.

Either way I don’t think your sil and bil can dictate to the rest of the family what to do. Whether bil/sil divorce or not these children are family

You have to keep in mind that if your bil ends up with this woman you are going to be meeting her at family gatherings for years to come

I have no sympathy for the ow either (except we don't know what yarn he's been spinning for her either) but I'd most definitely be saving my time, energy and vitriol on divorcing my lying, cheating husband. The children are poor innocents in all this mess and involving them in this turgid situation will only spawn another generation of damaged adults.

This situation is batshit. Your BIL sounds like a brazen peice of shit. So one day your SIL got a text from her own husband from a woman that says she has six month old twins with her husband?? And you’re expected to play happy families with the twins?? He can’t be serious?

What are you going to tell your children…?

‘Right guys you know Uncle James and Aunty Emma are having a baby? Well, two years ago he had two babies with another lady and Uncle James, Daddy and the other lady are really keen for you to meet the two babies, but let’s not tell Aunty Emma or your cousins. Yes, Uncle James is still married to Aunty Emma but he seems to have got a second family now. No, don’t worry Daddy won’t be getting a second family, this situation is quite unusual.’

I would be going up the wall, do you want your children to think it’s acceptable for men to just play away and get women pregnant? I would be furious about my DH keeping all this from me. I wouldn’t accept presents from this woman. Maybe take the bull by the horns and message her and say ‘Dear XXXX, I’m returning the presents. I only wish you well, but my loyalty has to be to Emma. My children can’t have a relationship with your children, when Emma’s don’t. I hope twins are doing well.

No sod that. If the affair situation was resolved and everyone was honest and knew where they stood then I’d say yes or course meet the twins.

I would absolutely not be dragged into lying and keeping secrets and I certainly wouldn’t allow my children to be dragged in to it. Your BIL sounds disgusting and I would hope for better behaviour from my own DH that to enable his brothers bad behaviour.

Doesn’t it worry you that your DH kept such a big secret from you? im not sure how it works with your DH but me and my DH share stuff like that, and I’d expect to be told something that ends up affecting you and your kids.

Op I don't think they should meet your kids before their half siblings nor should they keep secrets

The bil sounds like a bigamist. Two relationships and two families.

WTAF is a wrong with you??? People like you give me the absolute rage. Children are not possessions to be traded and negotiated as part of your marriage. You don’t start a battle for full custody just because you can; simply to cause a woman you are jealous of stress , and deprive her of time with her children. Despicable. One of the worst comments I’ve ever read on here.

No don't get involved, it's a big hot mess and it's very wrong, all of it. If you allow your children to meet up, you're showing sil that you accept his secret family. You have to show loyalty to one side, that should be to sil, because they're married and she's legally your family. Stay away from the affair and her chilsren. Bil has to decide which one he wants to be with. He cannot go between the two families like this. How awful for both sets of children. What kind of woman is happy to share a married man?

I agree. Weird and toxic as heck

It's a ridiculous situation and it's quite right not to meet the twins (or their mother who sounds rather inappropiate) until your sil's children have met them.
I'd also be telling my sil to check land registry to make sure the house is owned as tenants in common rather than joint tenants. That way she can make a will that leaves her half solely to her own children. If it's joint tenants, if something happens to her ownership passes automatically to her husband and then onto all 4 existing dc plus the one she is carrying now. Her half ought to go only to her own dc, with his half divided amongst the 5.
Sorry, I know there may be more pressing emotional needs but I'm my mother's daughter and as she always said (paraphrasing) 'love don't lady but cooking and cold hard cash does'.

This whole scenario is extremely unhealthy amd my advice would be to stay as far out of it as you can. The children are the only innocent party in this and they should not be being used in this way.

BIL is obviously a disgrace. To have done this to his children and his, and to put his brother in this position, and to seemingly still be going about being "offended" that you aren't all treating this like it's normal and OK just shows how self centered he is. Limiting your own children's contact with him seems a good idea. He is only out for his own interests.

The mother of these children is obviously using them as pawns. She wants to integrate herself into his extended family. Sending prezzies, demanding contact with your children, being the one to text SIL off his phone.... she isn't just some poor sap he's duped. He has obviously spun her a yarn, but she seems to know just what she's doing. She obviously won't rest until she's got BIL all to herself and is fully integrated into his family. She's using her children as pawns. No doubt when BIL and SIL's children are old enough to be on SM or something, if they make it that far without this coming out, she'll make it her business to tell them herself too. So all in all she doesn't seem like the sort of person you'd want your children around either. Her and BIL actually sound quite well matched TBH.

SIL was obviously the victim in this. Until she was told about the affair she was the innocent party, and what BIL has done to her is horrendous, it's good she's got so much support around her. However unfortunately it doesn't sound like she's really forgiven him (understandable, but important if she's going on with the relationship) or is handling this in a healthy way. That isn't a dig, it's understandable she wouldn't be reason personified in such a horrendous scenario, but it does seem like she hasn't really thought much beyond the present. When a spouse cheats you have two choices. Break up or try to forgive and move forwards. She has elected to stay in her marriage. But she's attached to that unrealistic conditions. No one would have blamed her for divorcing BIL, and what she's been put through is unforgivable. But, with there being children from both sides of this affair, it wasn't ever going to be as easy as brushing it all under the carpet. Her own children will eventually learn they have siblings. It's an open secret within the family already. Unfortunately SIL plan to keep it from them, and have another baby with BIL (which does seem like she was trying to make a point to the OW that he's still "hers" and she's got a younger baby with him that OW has) isn't sustainable. On top of that it seems the affair is still going on. The way all three parties are handling this (and again this isn't to blame SIL, this is on BIL, and sympathy is rightly for her) is a recipe for even further disaster.

It seems likely that OW will be pregnant again. BIL thinks he can have his cake and eat it. SIL is engaging in "pick me!" and trying to cement her broken marriage by clinging to BIL tighter and having another baby with him. The OW is on a mission to get BIL whatever the cost.

Keeping your children out of this ticking time bomb is all you can really do. DH can pick for himself whether he wants a relationship with his DN's, but the children should be kept well out of it. For a start it's totally wrong to make them complicit in this deception of their cousins, because when the cousins eventually learn they have siblings they are going to feel so betrayed by everyone (their father, their mother, the extended family....) and knowing even their (similarly aged?) cousins knew about their and hung out with their siblings will be too much.

Protect your own children.

Support SIL, and don't keep any more information from her.

Do not engage with the OW, because she sounds extremely manipulative amd us using her own children so won't think twice about using you.

Limit yours and your children's contact with BIL. DH can still see him but your children don't need embroiling in his unhealthy and lacking in guilt dynamics.