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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are all men mean when they’ve had a few too many drinks?

182 replies

JKDcot · 29/12/2023 22:30

My Husband is a great man, kind, caring and sensible. But when he’s had too many drinks he just turns. He’s mean, arrogant, obnoxious and to be honest I don’t really like him when he’s been drinking. He doesn’t drink often - every few months, but when he’s passed a point, I just have no use to try and talk to him, reason, or try and have a nice evening.

Are they all like this?? My approach is just to realise when he’s starting to be a dick and then just write off the evening and do my own thing. By the morning he’s back to being nice. Any advice? Anyone else find this?

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 29/12/2023 23:11

Not at all.

Mine's sweet and soppy and does random physical things things like climbing trees or chasing squirrels.

oneflewoverthe · 29/12/2023 23:13

No. My DH is never like that after a few drinks. I can be a mean drunk so I don't drink often.

GacksonJalaxy · 29/12/2023 23:14

No. My husband just becomes extremely talkative but never mean.

I think if your husband is like this, and you've presumably told him he gets like this, then the fact that he still drinks and allows himself to get drunk is a real problem.

Emmadaily · 29/12/2023 23:14

No , my DP is already a bit mushy without a drink but with a drink even mushier.

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 23:14

My DH goes all giggly and daft and keeps hugging me and is like a 10 year old. Starts dancing about and singing. Aggressive and mean he is not.

I go the same. All giggly and daft, and think I am Mariah Carey in the karaoke.

It's a commonly held belief that one's true self comes out after alcohol has intervened. Some think it's a myth - it's not. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and people are more likely to say what they think, and think nothing of acting however they want to... ergo: the real THEM surfaces.

kittylion2 · 29/12/2023 23:16

VanityDiesHard · 29/12/2023 23:11

This is a myth that I wish would die. It is perfectly possible to be a mean drunk but a decent person when sober. I have also known people who are normally unpleasant be much nicer and more fun when drunk. I'm not excusing being a mean drunk, by the way. If it takes someone that way then they need to stop drinking. I am just pushing against back the simplistic 'in vino veritas' narrative that gets pushed out on threads like these.

Edited
Show quote history

In my experience though, the mean things that people have said to me whilst drunk have been opinions I have suspected they really held but normally were too polite to express. I absolutely believe that they were speaking the truth and that they were trying to back pedal when they sobered up by saying it was just the drink talking - or even worse, claiming not to remember and questioning whether I had heard right.

MercanDede · 29/12/2023 23:18

That person he is when he's drunk? That's the him that he hides with a mask of civility. Alcohol doesn't change someone's personality, it lowers inhibitions and makes it harder for the to hide it.

This is a myth. Alcohol is a mood altering drug. What you see isn’t a personality change, but a mood change. It’s not someone’s true self that is hidden behind a mask, it’s the mood that alcohol pushes them into feeling.

It does lower inhibitions as well, but that is a separate side effect that affects our ability to make risk assessments and not engage in risky behaviours.

Snowbear32 · 29/12/2023 23:18

No not at all. My husband doesn't drink much but when he does he can get a bit emotional, sometimes he might even have a cry about something random. He's never once been rude or horrible to me though, drunk or sober.

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 23:18

kittylion2 · 29/12/2023 23:16

In my experience though, the mean things that people have said to me whilst drunk have been opinions I have suspected they really held but normally were too polite to express. I absolutely believe that they were speaking the truth and that they were trying to back pedal when they sobered up by saying it was just the drink talking - or even worse, claiming not to remember and questioning whether I had heard right.

Show quote history

Exactly! ^

HMP70 · 29/12/2023 23:18

No, mines v chatty & v soppy when he's had a drink. Just his normal behaviour X10. As he's a lovely soppy wotsit at best of times.

Snowbear32 · 29/12/2023 23:20

"I really assumed more would agree. If you’re ever out on the town and look around a crowded pub, lots of people are behaving like twats?"

Yes but we just aren't married to the twats obviously.

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/12/2023 23:20

StaunchMomma · 29/12/2023 23:11

Not at all.

Mine's sweet and soppy and does random physical things things like climbing trees or chasing squirrels.

So your DH becomes a doggo when drunk Grin

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 23:20

I really assumed more would agree. If you’re ever out on the town and look around a crowded pub, lots of people are behaving like twats?

But you didn't ask "Do some people behave like twats when they've had to much to drink?"

You asked "Are ALL men mean..... ( + arrogant, + obnoxious) when they have had too many drinks?"

Very different question.

VanityDiesHard · 29/12/2023 23:21

kittylion2 · 29/12/2023 23:16

In my experience though, the mean things that people have said to me whilst drunk have been opinions I have suspected they really held but normally were too polite to express. I absolutely believe that they were speaking the truth and that they were trying to back pedal when they sobered up by saying it was just the drink talking - or even worse, claiming not to remember and questioning whether I had heard right.

Show quote history

Oh, I don't deny that's the case. Alcohol is a deinhibitor and I am sure that some people let out things that they wouldn't normally when under the influence. However, it is also true that alcohol can create negative feelings and behaviours that wouldn't be there if the person were sober. It isn't just an unmasker, it is a also a distorter and exaggerator.

Thedrownedprophet · 29/12/2023 23:21

My husband isn't, but my friend is. She's vile when she's drunk. The rest of the time she's lovely. It's so confusing .

tigerbear · 29/12/2023 23:23

No, DH isn’t like this, ever, no matter how many drinks he’s had

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 29/12/2023 23:25

It depends on the drink

Strong lagers he is horrible
He doesn't drink them anymore

Session lager or ale is better

He doesn't drink spirits.

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 23:26

It isn't just an unmasker, it is also a distorter and exaggerator.

Yes but there must be a (no matter how small, possibly even subconscious) seed in order to be distorted or exaggerated , which can positive or negative.

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 23:27

No, my other half is a silly drunk (singing made up nonsense songs, chatting absolute bonkers giggling rubbish and telling me how much I’m the most amazing person in the whole wide world). My brother is a jovial drunk…host with the most, have another on me fine sah! My dad is a weepy drunk - gets sad and deep and wants to intensely impart important life lessons, share his wisdom before he dies (he’s been like that since his early forties, which is as early as I can remember him 😂). My best mate is a woaaaaah…look, look at the sky…have you ever SEEN so many stars…how many do you think are supernovas now but we won’t see it for millions of years…that’s crazy, innit?…that’s Orion…that’s Pleiades…that’s Cass…Cass..Cassi…Cassiope…see, I’mnotdrunk…I’m fine….Caaaaasssssiiiiiioooooope….

I only knew one mean male drunk and I didn’t like being around him.

Conversely, I’ve known dozens of mean female drunks. 4am post-closing-time drama queens. Yeeesh!

hot2trotter · 29/12/2023 23:28

Mine absolutely isn't. I have known men that are though.

KissTheRains · 29/12/2023 23:28

MercanDede · 29/12/2023 23:18

That person he is when he's drunk? That's the him that he hides with a mask of civility. Alcohol doesn't change someone's personality, it lowers inhibitions and makes it harder for the to hide it.

This is a myth. Alcohol is a mood altering drug. What you see isn’t a personality change, but a mood change. It’s not someone’s true self that is hidden behind a mask, it’s the mood that alcohol pushes them into feeling.

It does lower inhibitions as well, but that is a separate side effect that affects our ability to make risk assessments and not engage in risky behaviours.

I don't actually care if people believe it's a myth. I don't care if every psychologist writes to me personally and tells me it is a myth.

I believe it to be true.
As did the ancients Greeks, see the quote above. As do other people throughout history, all over the world, and all have a saying akin to the English..

"What a drunkard says, a sober man thinks"

ETA:
After a Google, I found this and found it interesting:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vino_veritas

MercanDede · 29/12/2023 23:30

PaperDoIIs · 29/12/2023 23:26

It isn't just an unmasker, it is also a distorter and exaggerator.

Yes but there must be a (no matter how small, possibly even subconscious) seed in order to be distorted or exaggerated , which can positive or negative.

I don’t agree. If alcohol puts a person into a mean and aggressive mood, then they will then think of things to say that they know will hurt you. It’s not like the thoughts of the mean things to say pre-existed and were being hidden inside before they were drinking, and just popped out oops! because of lower inhibitions. The alcohol puts them into a bastarding mood and the lack of inhibitions means they have less control over what they say and do while in that mood. A sober person in a foul mood will be able to not take it out on another person, unless they are abusive, but a drunk person they don’t have the self control.

MoreDollies · 29/12/2023 23:31

My dad was an unpleasant, obnoxious drunk so solidarity to you if your DH is anything like him. My DH isn't though he goes into talk mode and doesn't stop, all while pulling the most hilarious squiffy face.

asdf33 · 29/12/2023 23:33

No, mine is very sweet and funny

MercanDede · 29/12/2023 23:34

KissTheRains · 29/12/2023 23:28

I don't actually care if people believe it's a myth. I don't care if every psychologist writes to me personally and tells me it is a myth.

I believe it to be true.
As did the ancients Greeks, see the quote above. As do other people throughout history, all over the world, and all have a saying akin to the English..

"What a drunkard says, a sober man thinks"

ETA:
After a Google, I found this and found it interesting:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vino_veritas

Edited
Show quote history

Sure, if you want to believe what the Ancient Greeks thought some 4,000 years ago at their level of science and understanding, bully for you. I guess you would also believe that each sperm head has a miniature baby in it too? And that our uteruses could actually wander about the body at will and that is the cause of all female psychological issues? You might also believe in Sirens and Pegasii and that you had to sacrifice a goat to get a safe journey.