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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are all men mean when they’ve had a few too many drinks?

182 replies

JKDcot · 29/12/2023 22:30

My Husband is a great man, kind, caring and sensible. But when he’s had too many drinks he just turns. He’s mean, arrogant, obnoxious and to be honest I don’t really like him when he’s been drinking. He doesn’t drink often - every few months, but when he’s passed a point, I just have no use to try and talk to him, reason, or try and have a nice evening.

Are they all like this?? My approach is just to realise when he’s starting to be a dick and then just write off the evening and do my own thing. By the morning he’s back to being nice. Any advice? Anyone else find this?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 22:57

No, and here's a thing - not all men have a "few too many drinks".

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 29/12/2023 22:57

No. My H becomes daft to the point of being quite irritating, but never mean spirited.

flawlessandfearless · 29/12/2023 22:57

Nope, not at all like that.
If he's a mean drunk then he shouldn't drink.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 22:58

No. Mine's a happy drunk.

He needs to stop drinking if he's so horrible after a drink.

Locallady2 · 29/12/2023 22:58

My DH isn't horrible when drunk but there's a chance he might wet the bed😩

Shadowsindarkplaces · 29/12/2023 22:58

I've only ever rarely come across anybody male or female that I can tolerate once they have been drinking. 99% are utter pricks. I avoid situations where I'm with drinkers who can't remain sober. Anyone who doesn't know their limit shouldn't drink.
I do drink, but literally one drink and that's me done.

Quirkyme · 29/12/2023 22:59

LouLou198 · 29/12/2023 22:52

I am surprised at the responses, as I thought what OP was describing was quiet normal. DH is a completely different person when drunk. I think it's amplified by the fact I am an occasional drinker and never get "drunk".

What OP is describing isn't "quite normal" at all. It's very concerning that you think that.

KissTheRains · 29/12/2023 22:59

That person he is when he's drunk?
That's the him that he hides with a mask of civility. Alcohol doesn't change someone's personality, it lowers inhibitions and makes it harder for the to hide it.

Next time he's sober and you have a row, all that Horrible stuff he does when he's drunk, that's what he's thinking and just not saying.
That's what I think anyway.

Not all men are that way.
My.dad liked a drink now and then and it made him so happy and jolly and some how freed him up to not be so buttoned down. He danced and sang and laughed. When he was sober, he was very proper.

NeverStopTwinkling · 29/12/2023 23:00

No, my DH rarely drinks that much and if he does he's just funny and daft and loving.

In all honesty I'm a bit of a twat when I'm pissed, for some reason I like to say or do shit to get a reaction and find it hilarious. It's utterly cringe and boring. As a result I very rarely get drunk nowadays.

Quirkyme · 29/12/2023 23:00

KissTheRains · 29/12/2023 22:59

That person he is when he's drunk?
That's the him that he hides with a mask of civility. Alcohol doesn't change someone's personality, it lowers inhibitions and makes it harder for the to hide it.

Next time he's sober and you have a row, all that Horrible stuff he does when he's drunk, that's what he's thinking and just not saying.
That's what I think anyway.

Not all men are that way.
My.dad liked a drink now and then and it made him so happy and jolly and some how freed him up to not be so buttoned down. He danced and sang and laughed. When he was sober, he was very proper.

I agree.

itsmylife7 · 29/12/2023 23:02

No.
Mine becomes romantic 😁

A male family member becomes loud,obnoxious and angry when drunk.

Titsywoo · 29/12/2023 23:02

No - my DH never drinks anyway but the one time he did he was just silly and soppy. The only people I know who turned mean when drunk had it in them - drink just removes inhibitions. I'd think he was showing you the person he is but tries to hide.

Original poster
JKDcot · 29/12/2023 23:03

I don’t drink at all so wonder if I’m just over sensitive and notice it more than others.

He is not nasty to me or shouts or anything. He is I think completely unaware it changes his personality but I notice it.

he sometimes apologises the next day, other times doesn’t. He never does a specific thing that’s outrageously wrong. He’s just got a bit undertone of behaviours and attitude I don’t like.

I really assumed more would agree. If you’re ever out on the town and look around a crowded pub, lots of people are behaving like twats?

OP posts:
ErrolTheRednosedDragon · 29/12/2023 23:03

Another no - tbh my DH simply doesn't like drinking enough to ever have too many drinks anyway. But I can't remember seeing other men I know get obnoxious as the op describes either.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2023 23:03

No they're not and if yours is you should leave him. Particularly if he drinks regularly. Why would you want to live like this?

I was married to someone who was obnoxious when he drank. Now I'm not and my life is a million times better.

Titsywoo · 29/12/2023 23:04

The saying goes 'In Vino Veritas' which basically says in wine there is truth

Simonjt · 29/12/2023 23:04

My husband is just a dopier wobblier version of himself when drunk. I can be a bit grumpy when drunk, not nasty, but a bit miserable, so shit company, so I very rarely get drunk.

Diamondcurtains · 29/12/2023 23:05

Nope.

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2023 23:06

No, not all men do that.

negative personality changes with alcohol, even if the person rarely drinks, means the person has a problematic relationship with alcohol that needs to change.

he needs to change his consumption patterns,
possibly abstaining completely. If he won’t, you need to end the relationship.

MercanDede · 29/12/2023 23:07

No, alcohol affects some people this way, but not all.
If he knows this about himself, he should take action to stop before he’s had that many drinks to turn into Mr Hyde. I’d be really concerned if he won’t limit his drinks.

My DH gets very sentimental and is all “I love you so much you’re the most perfect woman in the world, I am nothing without you, I want us to be together when we are old and wrinkly, you’re the best mother ever and we have the most amazing children because of you….” He will go on for hours if I let him.

But I have known men and women that get mean when they have had a few drinks. My mum and dad were like this. They’d drink, get mean, and then row half the night while we hid at the top of the stairs. A friend of my DH’s, his wife is that way too. She gets a couple drinks in her and she gets very mean to the children. I can’t stand it when we go to theirs and tried to engineer it so they come to ours instead with no alcohol in the house and the mean cow, she brought a big giant bag for life full of those premixed cocktails in a can, like two dozen of them! with the excuse she was celebrating her eldest GCSE results (which were not impressive) and proceeded to once again get tipsy and start snapping at her younger children, causing me to keep them away and reassure them as it triggers memories of my mum being like that. She shouted at her autistic 8yr old for not eating a fairy cake neatly enough! When she was creating literally piles of crumbs and sticky spills around herself. Ugh. I’ve told DH no more family get togethers.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/12/2023 23:07

I really assumed more would agree. If you’re ever out on the town and look around a crowded pub, lots of people are behaving like twats?

Well yes I've seen those ones. I just didn't marry one of them (well I did once actually, but I divorced him quick smart). I try not to be around them much either, if I can possibly avoid them.

EdinGirl · 29/12/2023 23:07

Yes. Mine likes an argument when he has has a drink.

So on the very rare occasion that he does drink, we get alcohol for him, loads of treats for me and then I have our bedroom and he isn't allowed to talk to me until morning.
(he sleeps in the spare room).

It works for us and I enjoy my treats and bed to myself haha

If he is otherwise amazing, I would have a rule like this :)

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/12/2023 23:09

My husband gets giggly, sweet, super lovey dovey as anything and hiccups. He is so funny!

Desecratedcoconut · 29/12/2023 23:09

No. Dh's drinking shifts from funny->happy->asleep in increasingly quick succession as he gets older.

VanityDiesHard · 29/12/2023 23:11

Deathbyathousandcats · 29/12/2023 22:38

Alcohol just brings out his underlying personality.

This is a myth that I wish would die. It is perfectly possible to be a mean drunk but a decent person when sober. I have also known people who are normally unpleasant be much nicer and more fun when drunk. I'm not excusing being a mean drunk, by the way. If it takes someone that way then they need to stop drinking. I am just pushing against back the simplistic 'in vino veritas' narrative that gets pushed out on threads like these.