Being told what to order from takeaway..

[Beanz2022]

friend invited me round for drinks and food, she said we could get indian takeaway..(context, her and her husband are veggies) she text me one hour before and said would it be OK if you didn't order a meat dish as we don't allow meat in the house.. so I ended up having a vegetable curry which, I really hated.. she had whatever she wanted and thoroughly enjoyed it.. why invite me round if you know I eat meat and won't allow me to order what I want.

You could have had a dhaal or something with paneer. Both are lovely with a nice naan and poppadoms 🤤

Now lusting for Indian at 10.30

missed the point I know

I'd have asked if she minded me ordering a pizza instead, as I often have a veggie pizza through choice but I always like meat or fish in a curry.

I absolutely can't believe that the only vegetarian option was a broccoli and carrot curry. Pictures of the menu or it didn't happen.

I wouldn’t even remain friends with these sanctimonious arseholes. No one dictates what I’m going to eat when I’m the one paying for it. They can fuck off to the far side of fuck and when they get there fuck off some more.

OP didn’t say it was the only veggie option.

But she probably fancied a curry and that was the only veggie curry option.

I’ve just looked at the online menu of my local favourite curry house which has a big menu but has absolutely NO veggie curry options.

The veggie options are tarka dal, samosas, veggie biryani and bhindi masala, none of which are curries.

@NoSquirrels

Interesting question. I am always aware of meat. Part of my autism is super sensitive to smells so I can't 'forget about it' when out and about as it's everywhere. Not only in restaurants but hotdog stands, cinema etc. I realise this is just an 'unfortunate for me' thing so have trained myself to 'ignore it'. I don't make a fuss or acknowledge it but people may be able to guess but probably not as much as the next person as I don't consciously make many expressions so I just don't purposefully make disgusted face. I've always got resting bitch face though so maybe people think that's a comment. I've only ever asked my partner to cover the bones on his plate (years before he was vegetarian) and that was because he asked and I didn't feel bound by social pressure to lie. He is veggie by his own choice btw. I didn't force anything before anyone accuses me.

It was worse when I was pregnant and literally projectile vomiting at certain meat smells. (Bacon and fish were worst) I think usually pregnant women get sympathy but people were horrible. Saying I have throwing up on purpose. (Honestly no one can on purpose vomit with that kind of projectory.)

It makes it all the more important to have a safe space at home. I don't know where people are getting that I'm insisting they 'enjoy it'. I'm well aware some people don't. We get a lot of passive aggressive comments from one or two relatives but most of our friends don't need constant reminders and are very gracious when they eat round ours. (I am a great cook though, not being modest, I just am).

But yeah the sight of bones, fat and blood in particular is distressing for me and I have to consciously practice cognative dissonance which is quite exhausting along with masking.

It’s not much different from what her friend has done 🤦‍♀️
And yes, she could have said no but sometimes people get caught on the hop by stupid requests
I’m a vegetarian btw. So is my husband. I’d never dream of inflicting my views on guests in my house.

They're ridiculous and tightwads to boot.

Have you really never had a takeaway night at a friend’s house where everyone chips in?

It’s not much different from what her friend has done 🤦‍♀️

It’s utterly and completely different. No amount of silly little emojis will change that.

This so-called friend is very rude, & a CF.

Inviting you to her home "drinks & food", and then expecting you to pay for a take-away dish that you wouldn't like. !

@Squeezita So she chose something she knew she would my like rather than one of the other available options. Right.

THIS is the issue... that OP was paying for it. It's one thing to accept your hosts may serve vegetarian food... it's quite another to be expected to pay for vegetarian meal you don't want! That changes the game considerably.

@NoSquirrels I'm not the poster you asked, but I can answer anyway. I've been vegetarian since a very young age because I really just find the concept disgusting. The smell and the sight of meat is truly vile to me. But my family ate meat, my family actually work in agriculture, so I was around it a lot (though even my farming family didn't eat meat more than twice a week so I'm always shocked by people who seem to eat it every day!). I am very good at not showing that it bothers me. But my own home, my own plates and cutlery - that's just the one place I'd like to feel 'clean'!

Recently my mother accidentally gave me a pie that she didn't realise had bacon in. I could tell after the first bite by the smell, even before I'd got to a bit with bacon. I felt really upset and unwell afterwards. Whilst my mum was very apologetic, she didn't really understand why I was so upset. The only way I could explain it was to ask her to imagine if someone accidentally fed her human meat or something that she found gruesome like horses' eyeballs or something ridiculous. Meat just doesn't, and has never, registered in my brain as something edible. I know that sounds silly to people who eat meat, but it's just the way I feel.

I try to avoid speaking about being a vegetarian IRL (though lots of meat eaters bloody love to try), I would certainly never tell anyone that I think their meat dish is gross - I don't even share that I feel this way with many people as I'd hate them to remember if we're ever eating together and then they'd know that I'm uncomfortable with their perfectly acceptable/normal choice of meal whilst I'm at their house or whilst we're at a restaurant. But I'd like to think people would respect the fact that I don't want meat in my own home.

Being from a farming background, I've been to a great many social events catered to almost entirely by hog roasts. I have gone hungry and never once complained. I like to think that as a karmic reward for this, the universe has rewarded me for this with the type of friends who are respectful guests

@TheCorrupter thanks for answering - I can understand the importance of a safe space. I think the majority of people expect to eat vegetarian in a vegetarian’s house if they’re invited to eat a meal they’ve cooked - I think in the OP’s instance the lack of notice + dictating when not paying for the food is the issue. Generally a takeaway you’re all chipping in for I wouldn’t have considered problematic to a vegetarian as they’re not prepping or eating it, and because none of the veggies I know feel as strongly as you do. But if someone told me the first time they invited me I’d definitely respect it - I’d just like more than 30 minutes notice as it’s hard to disrupt plans without looking like an arse.

I would have said:

"You go on ahead and order your takeaway, I will get sorted with dinner before going to yours"

I went out a few weeks with a guy who was vegetarian and this is how I tackled it if I wanted meat with my dinner, or I suggested we go out to eat. Anytime he cooked for us, there was no meat and likewise to your friend, he didnt want meat in his house so it was off bounds for takeaways too.

I wasnt offended or anything like that and fully respected it was his house, his rules.

Of course that's what usually happens. However, people are usually ordering what they want to eat, so are more than happy to pay. OP was having to 'chip in' for a meal she didn't want.

While I agree that the friend should have given more than an hour’s notice (I’m another that likes to look at the menu and plan way in advance), I’m really surprised at the number of people here who say they wouldn’t enjoy vegetarian food. Particularly from an Indian takeaway! I eat meat, but would be perfectly happy to go vegetarian for an evening if asked - regardless of whether I was paying or not.

No, she was asked to. She didn’t have to do anything. She had the option to stay at home instead, or just go for the drinks part later.

We are a vegetarian family for religious reasons and do not have meat in the house - absolutely no exceptions. It is extremely common in our social circle where one or both members of the house are veggie that no meat enters the house. I can’t believe how rude some posters are towards this - I would never dream of asking a Muslim host if I could drink alcohol in their house - even if they were hosting an event which I would prefer with a drink. Likewise with taking non-Kosher food into the house of a strict Jewish host. It’s basic respect towards someone else’s belief

I agree the friend should have given notice so they could change plans or venue in advance.

The final outcome is on the OP though - as an Indian, I can categorically state that curries do not routinely contain broccoli or carrots - they are simply not the veggies chosen so she picked something ridiculous. Indian food is dominant in beans and lentils plus other things like paneer and egg also regularly feature at take aways which are much more enjoyable. As many others have said, it also would have been very easy to say that she planned to order meat so can they eat out instead otherwise she will join for drinks after eating.

Yeah but a takeaway is usually a treat, in which case it's normal to be expected to order what you want, particularly if you're paying for it!

If they were cooking or paying for the takeaway of course they are perfectly within their rights to not cook/order meat, but I think it's a bit cheeky to tell you what you can/can't buy with your own money (and bad hosting!)

I like indian sides which are mainly veggie, so might have just ordered a few of them, or just said 'don't worry, I'll eat before I come.' but yeah if I'm having a very rare takeaway I want to order something I'll like!

No, she chose from a very limited selection from the menu that she was allowed to choose from.

To be fair vegetarianism isn’t just a choice it’s more like a cultural or religious thing. You would not go round certain people’s homes with a bacon sandwich so you should not really eat meat in a veggie home if you are respectful of their choices. I’m not interested in other people’s choices so I would not be friends with vegetarians or other groups with restricted diets.

I’m assuming you only eat in Indian restaurants that are 100% vegetarian?

They’re a vastly different proposition to your average curry house, which has very few veggie curry options.

I’m Asian and love all kinds of restaurants, whether they serve meat or are 100% veggie. I have Gujurati friends who make wonderful veggie dishes but those dishes aren’t available in your average curry house.

It's weird to not like vegetables but it's rude to not let you order what you want.