Husband GOT UP

[BlackWhiteWhatNow]

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

I didn't say it was his "fault" - I said it gets on my nerves.

From the description of the cupboard rearranging, I'd hazard a guess your H is neurodiverse and the ASD spectrum. Has he ever been assessed for this ?

@VictoriasSponges - not necessarily. Friend's husband wasn't neurodiverse. He just thought he knew better than everyone else and that his system was better than hers. And it may have been - for him; but he wasn't the one working in that kitchen.

a. Snacks: Kids don’t need them all the time. Being peckish is fine. Healthy even. It certainly won’t kill turn.

b. If they must have snacks why do they need to ask you. Please tell me that you’re not being asked by a 14 year old for snacks

c. Stop being such a fucking martyr (even though you seem to secretly enjoy it) and put your foot down.

I'll make one thing clear as far as I am concerned if you have a job that requires quiet and focus and you think that you can do it at the kitchen table or other communal space over Christmas in a house with your husband and school-aged children in it then you are deluded and totally unreasonable. This is a you problem and pushing it on to your husband and children is a bit toxic really.

I agree, but I would also wonder whether in this case the need for isolation and quiet is because of the nature of the job, or because of the nature of the person doing it. My place of work is never quiet. Working at home with dh, dd and ds at home, variously playing computer games, chatting, making food and drinks, playing music etc would not bother me in the slightest.

The issue with posting in AIBU is that it's asking a question which (often) the OP has already answered in their own mind. And then they don't like anyone disagreeing with them.

Or they post here on the basis of 'more traffic'.

There ought to be a forum for 'Rants about Husbands' where posters can rant away, find solidarity, put their fingers in their ears when posters try to be helpful with solutions.

It's crystal clear that 'solutions' aren't welcome because people don't want anything to change, they just want to moan away.

That's fine. But don't go drawing conclusions that ALL men are 'like this' just because a few other posters pile in to share their own awful relationships.

I get that my role is designed, by me, over many years, partly as an excuse to avoid people and it usually works out fine.

Do you do something like copywriting, or some kind of art/ design/writing @BlackWhiteWhatNow

It is unrealistic to expect your family to tip toe around you when you are self-employed and surely could either take yourself out to a cafe or library, or take holiday at peak holiday times (like Xmas.)

I'd missed the fact you were self employed so it's not as if you are having to work for a company and have no choice.

Also- you chose your work to 'avoid people.'

Interesting!

Agreed, OP is massively unreasonable and hasn't prefixed with "light hearted" so probably just needs a place to vent rather than engage in a debate.

maybe we need a "vent" sub-topic where we can just let it all out? no judgement from other posters just handholds and agreement?

I am and it stood out a mile to me from what you were saying, how you described the impact on you and everything. And with you being highly creative.

There are a tonne of ND women on MN as a preferred means of communication/socialisation.

There is a book about autism in women by Sarah Hendricks that might be worth a read or scan through. If it’s in your family to that extent it’s probable, but you won’t necessarily present like your male relatives.

I’d probably say asd comorbid with adhd.

Get him to build the shed. Find a place to be that isn’t in the house or organise for them to be out when you’re working in the meantime.

And investigate diagnosis because it is worth it for the level of legal protection you get when diagnosed. If you get PIP or other form of disability recognition, you also get free carer ticket at cinema, concerts, theatre, concessionary rates, you are fast tracked through airports. Pretty much all of the stuff you find stressful can be eradicated to some extend making life a bit easier. But you will know that from your family anyway.

Just to point out @sandyhappypeople

If there is a lot of ND in OP’s family and OP is ND, then it’s likely the kids are too.

So you can expect they may be immature for their age in some respects and have difficulty with theory of mind (understanding how others may feel), impulse regulation and with self care/some basic functioning.

Speaking as a ND Mum in a house of ND people… it’s all a bit much in terms of balancing everyone’s needs.

Agree with the noise cancelling headphones… however a ND person can’t cope with any interruption.

If you can imagine it takes them 20 mins to settle to task. A two minute interruption from DC may mean a further 20 mins to settle to task… then you get 10 mins done before the other child asks about something.

She needs her own, preferably private workspace to hyper focus.

Believe it or not some offices have a separate room for the ND; they walk in go to their desk and none of them speak to anyone the whole day 👍.

@VictoriasSponges yes the job is writing adjacent

I've had a look and I can't find anything about AIBU that states anyone ever comes here, or is supposed to come here, to ask for solutions to anything. The topic is about reasonableness (or not) and posters are welcomed to offer opinions on this aspect of the issue at hand.

Whether or not OP has decided they are being unreasonable or not is the entire point, and human nature is such that the OP will be annoyed if everyone disagrees with them.

Offer solutions if you must, and criticise people for not engaging with those solutions as you are free to do but it is incorrect to take issue with the very fact of a person posting in AIBU and not wishing to engage with suggestions for improvement. For this to be a valid complaint I would need to have posted in a topic called 'Please Advise on the Problem I Wish to Fix' or similar.

@MalcolmsMiddle the whole point is to discuss whether IABU and that's what everyone has done so can't really see your issue? I feel like I have engaged with the debate as much as I need to. Once it's posted, the debate is no longer mine really

@Brefugee good idea....but I think venting happens in all topics and I for one bloody love it

I'm with you, OP. venting is good for the soul.

Hope you managed to find some productive time today!

What happened to his arms that he can’t make himself tea? Tell him to bugger off to another room

So rude.

Vent away, but yabu re the dc coming to demand food. I’d go crazy.

This is the most relatable thing I've ever read. NBU.

The OP was stood by the kettle making herself tea 🙄

I've had a look and I can't find anything about AIBU that states anyone ever comes here, or is supposed to come here, to ask for solutions to anything. The topic is about reasonableness (or not) and posters are welcomed to offer opinions on this aspect of the issue at hand.

Whether or not OP has decided they are being unreasonable or not is the entire point, and human nature is such that the OP will be annoyed if everyone disagrees with them.

Offer solutions if you must, and criticise people for not engaging with those solutions as you are free to do but it is incorrect to take issue with the very fact of a person posting in AIBU and not wishing to engage with suggestions for improvement. For this to be a valid complaint I would need to have posted in a topic called 'Please Advise on the Problem I Wish to Fix' or similar.

You're ignoring your final sentence that you you were 'broken'.

Unless you simply wanted a straight Yes/No, then of course you are going to get people offering solutions especially when your first post said 'I think Christmas might have broken me'.

If you are a writer, using language like carries weight and comes over as a cry for help.

You might have meant it as a rant.
Another poster could easily mean they were suicidal.

Posters rushed to your support, trying to help you find a way to stop 'being broken'.

You then went on to engage with what you have tried and what didn't work.
I can't see anything early on where you said you wanted no advice, only to offload.

So you are right. You should have made it clear that it was a rant, you weren't on the verge of breakdown and didn't want help.

AIBU gets all kinds of threads, mainly because people know it's a busy part of the site and it's renowned for posters being opinionated (I stand as charged and guilty!)

When I have this problem with people not respecting the fact I am busy I stop what I am doing, turn to them and ask them to explain to me why they don't think that my work is important because I don't understand. Why even though I have repeatedly told them what I am doing and to not disturb me, they carry on doing it and I would like an explanation.

I find people are less likely to carry on their shit when they know they have to justify it.

I'll raise you teeth sucking and throat clearing.

That is absolutely enragement behaviour. I mean, we laugh but it's so bloody disrespectful when you're trying to work.

Oh, and you don't have to be neurodiverse to protest about constant interruptions, especially as a creative.

I was in the middle of an interview that I'd been hunting down for weeks when my 8yo came right up to me and bellowed MUM, ARE THERE ANY DORITOS?

Christmas has broken me too! I’m used to it just being me and my 18 mo twins. At the mo my daughter is home from uni, to be fair isn’t irritating me, but declared she isn’t going back for a month so she doesn’t have to spend any money. I guess all your food is on me then. My 16 yo son is just generally a gross 16 yo, leaving crumbs and mess everywhere he goes. And my partner is just being an arsehole. Just being a general arsehole. I need my space and I’m getting zero.

Defo not being unreasonable op. My oh hasn’t cooked a meal since 1990 and yet still likes to stand in the kitchen when I’m cooking offering advice. I could have murdered him 3/4 times over just for these acts alone and still been out on parole. Sadly men have no self awareness it seems to me and my hubby is a sociologist!!!

I think it’s scientific fact that the second you start work, the children lose all life skills. My sixteen year old was trying to get me to find her shoe the other week (I do call centre wfh) and one of the others lost the ability to open a packet.

the second you start work they all seem to think they’re connected at the umbilical cord again, irrespective of age. Then normal service is resumed the second it’s over.

When COVID first hit and DH had to work from home he did it in the kitchen/dining room. No one could enter the kitchen during working hours (the kids weren’t at school due to lockdown). He would shout at us to get out. This lasted a week until I told him this was totally unreasonable, he could not work in our living space. He now works in the front lounge which is more of a formal lounge area without a TV and with a desk. He’s only allowed to migrate back to the kitchen when I am at work and the kids are at school.
you need to find a space that is not a communal living space to work in. What you are requesting is unreasonable. Put yourself in his shoes. I’ve been there, it’s shit.

Why is a grown man asking you for a cup of tea?