Husband GOT UP

[BlackWhiteWhatNow]

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

Funny how you are 'working' so hard @BlackWhiteWhatNow but half the day's been spend on MN.

If you find it so easy to be distracted, maybe it's your responsibility to find a quiet place to work, either in the house or out of it in a cafe or a shared working hub.

Totally on your side @BlackWhiteWhatNow As pps have said, why do men do this?! They seem incapable of being on their own/doing stuff on their own. Even when the kids were growing up (2 girls close in age,) my DH would never do anything with just them, not even taking them for appointments - or day trips - or anything school related. It was always me (and occasionally me and him!) And now (we are late 50s,) he hardly EVER goes out without me.

He pulls a face when he has a GP appointment or dental appointment and I refuse to go with him. I used to go as he sulked if I didn't, but now I have had enough and say 'stop acting like a fucking bratty toddler. You don't NEED me there! I will just be sitting there bored shitless, waiting with you until you go in, and then waiting while you're in there. FFS.' He doesn't even go out without me to buy my gifts for Christmas/birthday/anniversary/Valentines - he gets it all off fucking Amazon and ebay, so he doesn't have to leave the house - alone!

Some people do say 'it's his house too la la la...' but it's the fact that when men are at home all the time, they make their presence known so much more than women. They won't stop chatting, they follow you around, they dominate the tv... Basically, they just DOMINATE. I fucking hate my DH being at home all the time, and have been driven crazy when he has been off on sick for some weeks (after a hospital procedure or something,) and nearly lost my sanity when he was off for 6 months during covid, (on furlough!) If we didn't live in a lovely rural area of beauty, and didn't have a big garden for me to lose myself in and tend to, I would have lost my shit.

When he is off work for a period of time, he often follows me around like a fucking lost lamb, and just doesn't stop TALKING. I am in the kitchen doing dinner and he comes in and just stands there. I say 'what? what d'ya want?' He says I have just come for a 'chat.' FFS, we can chat over dinner, I am cooking, I am busy, fuck off!!!

Also, when he is watching something on TV that only HE wants to watch, I will bury my nose in a book - or mumsnet - and yet he keeps chatting through HIS programme, and often gives me a fucking running commentary on it! I say 'err, I am not interested!' He pouts and says 'well I am!' He is actually miffed because I am not paying his stupid programme full attention. Fuxake! Just because YOU like it that doesn't mean I have to fucking watch it and pay attention to it!

I was working through lockdown (18-20 hours a week,) as I WFH, and he was like a fucking attention-seeking toddler. He gets bored so easily, he has no hobbies, and no friends (just a couple of work colleagues he gets on with well but they didn't see each other during covid!)

Many men seem to go through 2 phases in their life. The first one where they are never there, always working, doing their hobbies, going out with mates and leaving you to do everything/all the childcare etc. And the second phase where they quit their hobbies, their friends drift away, and they hate work, and develop multiple ailments and spend a lot of time on the sick, and act like fucking toddlers - unable to do anything without you. And they are just always there......

Being with my DH is like having a third child sometimes. We have plenty in common and have some good laughs and he is kind and loving, and we have fun days out and enjoy lots of TV and theatre together, and have some great holidays, but he is quite hard work sometimes. I am not looking forward to him retiring. 😬I wouldn't want him out of my life forever, but I do sometimes wish we lived in 2 little bungalows side by side, so I am close to him, but have my own space/own home! (Couldn't afford to run 2 places though!)

So the kettle has boiled. She is working. Why should she do it? Presumably he is capable of putting a teabag into a cup. Besides, she said he comes and asks her for one! So it's not necessarily when she's making one. That's her complaint - that they knock on the door and ask for drinks and snacks.

LTB

The fact you've written as essay about you, not the OP's issue, is all the more reason for it.

@FreshWinterMorning I don't think 2 houses would sort either of our problems. They would come to our house at all hours to chat and have tea

LOL so true! Men get more needy and pathetic as they get older. (Many of them anyway!)

@VictoriasSponges my post - that you claim is an essay - was just 2 posts and 5 minutes away from your response to it. Was there really any need to quote my entire post?! Especially as you felt the need to say it was an 'essay.' LOL the irony!

Why do people DO this?! 😂

.

I think you know you are being a bit unreasonable...

I can see it's very annoying though. Sounds like the set up just doesn't work for you. Is there any separate space at all that you can make yours while you are working and your husband is at home? And make it clear that he mustn't interrupt. It sounds like you are probably working in the kitchen? Is the sitting room separate? Or improve the working conditions in the bedroom and kick him out of there? You can't have all the space, but neither can he...

You have my full sympathy

I also feel like I can’t get any work done because people are constantly making noise / walking in and trying to talk to me

AND NOT SHUTTING THE DOOR WHEN THEY LEAVE

and they wonder why I don’t like being here for too long

I can’t wait until everyone goes back to work

This may sound a bit of a wild, unrealistic idea, but does anyone actually communicate with their husbands who are annoying them by existing.
”I need some space alone this morning to concentrate on work, would you mind being somewhere else?”
Shocking suggestion, I know.

Yes!! I immediately said, what the hell are you doing up I was hoping to be alone for a couple of hours I thought you were having a lie in you haven't got anything on why are you here??? Or similar

I said, I was planning on a couple of hours peace!!

He said, sorry about that. Can I have a cup of tea since you're making

Yes of course. And he has said 'ooh sorry.' and promised to 'do better.' And then a week or two later, it's like the conversation never happened. They go back to their old ways.

Men are basically quite selfish and a bit arrogant by nature, and deep down they think they are superior to women, and the head of the household. So do you seriously think their wumman telling them to STFU is going to make them stop?!

At the end of the day, men do whatever the fuck they want, no matter what the effect is on anyone else.

.

Ah, fair dos!
Time to get grumpy then, let him have it!

@FreshWinterMorning I think we have accidentally married the exact same man. Do you think there is a factory somewhere churning them out? Not looking forward to retirement!

He said, sorry about that. Can I have a cup of tea since you're making

"Well since you're here you can make them, thank you darling" (sit down and carry on with work)

You need to leave.
If this is you're life, why do you stay?

Yes! I read all these posts in wonder. It’s always passive aggression and ‘losing it’. Never direct communication.

‘I was hoping to work for X hours in here. You mind going back to bed/somewhere else for a bit?’

’I’m going to be working in the bedroom, please don’t come in there and ask me for anything. It’s distracting.’

And so on and so forth. Say what you want/need? None of this fannying about with headphones.

And, no, OP. If you’re clearly and directly saying what you want, maintaining boundaries isn’t hard at all.

Yes!! I immediately said, what the hell are you doing up I was hoping to be alone for a couple of hours I thought you were having a lie in you haven't got anything on why are you here???

Yeah but the problem with reacting like this is you sound pretty unreasonable when you have a go at him for not having a lie in! Not quite the same as sensible conversation about how much time/quiet you need to work and how best to arrange it.

YANBU but you've just been unlucky. I've had flu from the moment I opened my eyes on Christmas day. For the first time in 2 years, I never get ill. A long with a couple of other things it's ruined Christmas.

@LusaBatoosa I find it hard. I clearly say what I want all the time. Then I assume the people I have spoken to will respect my boundaries. But they don't.

It's an effort to continuously reinforce boundaries. For me it is anyway.

I would assume for most people it is, or everyone would be brilliant at it and no one would have any problems with people walking all over them?

Sorry missed her update. Agree.

Are you not reading peoples posts? Women on here have been saying that they HAVE told him/communicated with him about it, but THEY. DO. NOT. LISTEN. Men do what the fuck they want. It's what they do. Do you think they will stop just because their women ask them?

Do you and your family have an ongoing issue with communication @BlackWhiteWhatNow ?

You don't appear to be listening to constructive suggestions.

You see the thing that stands out here, in your replies, is that you aren't actually engaging with the suggestions posters make (eg you stay upstairs, get a shed, etc) only those that say they are in the same boat. your thread descends into a pointless 'let's all have a moan.'

You're reacting, on the spot, rather than being proactive.

Assuming you are in your 40s, or so, wouldn't it be sensible to have a conversation first with your H, and also your kids, along the lines of-
I need to get in a few hours of work tomorrow.
I'm going to get up early and work in the kitchen.
I'd really appreciate it if you could keep out of the way

OR

I am going to stay upstairs, working, so you can all use the downstairs space and not disturb me.

I won't be free to tell you where anything is, or make you drinks or food, and I'd ask you to respect my working time.

There is a huge difference between talking and planning ahead and reacting on the spot.

Nowhere in your posts, for example, have you stated that you directly communicated what you wanted/needed to your husband. Not once.

Unless you marry an absolute arsehole, no, in my experience men do not just do what they want and they stop doing things that upset their partners when asked.

Most women are not living lives of repressed misery. From your posts, it’s clear that you are. So, just end your marriage. Nothing you’ve written is normal or healthy.

@FreshWinterMorning If that is your attitude and your experience, you need some counselling and ways to help you be assertive.

If you just nag and there are no consequences for your H (or any man) then they will continue to treat you like dirt.

If you demand better behaviour and say you will leave, they might take notice.

All men do not behave like this, just yours, with you.