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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband GOT UP

343 replies

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:21

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc).

Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week.

I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating.

Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him

No I don't have an office

Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities

I think Christmas might have broken me.

OP posts:
Lougle · 29/12/2023 08:43

You need to see it as a training exercise. Every request that isn't urgent gets "Sorry, darling, I'm working. You'll need to ask your father/wait until lunchtime/work it out for yourself/have a look for it."

They only ask you because it gets them what they want for less effort than either looking themselves or asking their father, etc.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:44

arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2023 08:40

I think you need to stop thinking this is lighthearted/funny/men eye roll op. You should be angry here.

You're right. Imagine if I turned up at his construction job when he was laying a patio or something and started randomly showing him youtube videos

OP posts:
chewsandwhine · 29/12/2023 08:45

Set some boundaries.

Why are people banging on your bedroom door when you’re working?

Why are they asking you for snacks ?

Are they not capable of getting it themselves?

Take your laptop/ phone and go work at starbucks or similar, away from them all

Needmorelego · 29/12/2023 08:45

I've seen nurses and teachers wearing a "do not disturb" tabard at certain times when they really don't want to be disturbed (ie the nurse is counting out the drugs for the ward and doesn't want to make any mistakes).
Make yourself a tabard or something and have one simple house rule - if you are wearing it then no one is allowed to talk to you. No questions, no casual conversation - nothing.
Only 3 exceptions - fire, flood or bleeding.

SpringingJoy · 29/12/2023 08:47

If this this is lighthearted then apologies for taking it seriously.

But really...it sounds like your dc are older? You need to lose your shit and lay down your boundaries.

I wfh in the dining room, no separate office. When the door is closed I'm working. The dc wouldn't even tap on the door never mind bang on the door for attention, wtf is that about? They know full well they don't disturb me unless it's an energency.

Honestly op, this seems like a bit of a self inflicted problem. Your family are disturbing you whilst working because you're accepting it and letting them.

m00rfarm · 29/12/2023 08:47

It is one of the benefits of an electric car. I sit in mine for an hour rather than doing shopping. On my own. Doing what I want. Peace and quiet. No slurping or chewing. It is amazing. Sometimes I go to charge my car when it does not need charging.

Grumpynan · 29/12/2023 08:49

It’s the one big problem with wfh I did this for a long time years ago before it became a thing.

i would have other mums drop round people who knew I worked but I think people just didn’t take wfh as a real job, is really pissed me off tbh. My mil was the worst, would phone at all times of the day to give me a message for her son who was at work ! When DH and the children were home they would forever interrupt me

I found the only way round it was to have a desk, I didn’t need one, I also got headphones- big ones 😂, when I was at the desk with my headphones on no one disturbed me unless there was blood ! I stopped answering the door and didn’t answer the phone to Mil.

I’ve found this Christmas a pain tbh, we’ve both retired now, and normally during the day we both do our own thing. But it seems this doesn’t work at Christmas, DH is there all the time. I suggested yesterday that he should go do something perhaps mess about with his Christmas presents, read his new book ?, his answer was - it’s Christmas I do that when everything is back to normal 🙄

Calamitousness · 29/12/2023 08:50

To be fair to everyone else, it’s a home, I get it. My dh started wfh occasionally and it drove me mad. He’d be usually sat at the kitchen table and expect the family to stay out his way. Eh no. So then we were tiptoeing around making meals or interrupting meetings etc. it’s not fair on anyone. So when I started to work solely from home we made the spare bedroom into an office which is the only decent way of wfh. He now very rarely wfh and we can both share the office space. No one bothers you in the office. It’s a clearly delineated area for work only. When it’s a shared space the boundaries aren’t there.
My advice would be to rent space in agile offices and get out the house if you can’t make a home office.

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 08:52

SpringingJoy · 29/12/2023 08:47

If this this is lighthearted then apologies for taking it seriously.

But really...it sounds like your dc are older? You need to lose your shit and lay down your boundaries.

I wfh in the dining room, no separate office. When the door is closed I'm working. The dc wouldn't even tap on the door never mind bang on the door for attention, wtf is that about? They know full well they don't disturb me unless it's an energency.

Honestly op, this seems like a bit of a self inflicted problem. Your family are disturbing you whilst working because you're accepting it and letting them.

Yes you are right it is partly self inflicted, but I did lose my shit at husband this morning and then felt guilty as from his perspective he's just mooching around, maybe spending some time with me (he has clocked that I'm pissed off and is trying to clank around quietly now)

Kids banging on the door (they are 12 and 14) no excuse really I do usually tell them I can't serve them at this time. I'm hoping the learning will happen soon

It is exhausting reinforcing boundaries - you have to spend a lot of energy thinking how you will present it, then tell them, then continually reinforce the boundary for however long until everyone learns. It's another job for the to-do list isn't it

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 29/12/2023 08:54

Can’t serve them at this time? 12 and 14 they should be sorting themselves out.

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 08:55

Put the heating on and go back to the bedroom? If you work from home you really need an office space.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 29/12/2023 08:55

Tontostitis · 29/12/2023 08:35

I sat in Tesco carpark for an hour yesterday. That's one hour I didn't have to make a snack or answer a 'where is' I did get a phone call I didn't answer.

I once read on here that a woman used to do the food shop each week and extend the visit by 40 minutes by getting a Maccy Ds and sitting in the carpark in blissful peace eating it. I started doing the same thing, and it's wonderful Blush

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:03

Allofaflutter · 29/12/2023 08:54

Can’t serve them at this time? 12 and 14 they should be sorting themselves out.

yupyup that's what I say to them

OP posts:
ChanelNo19EDT · 29/12/2023 09:03

Making me so glad I'm not married. I feel for you, as I'm on the sofa with a cup of coffee, answering to nobody. But tbh, I'd hate to feel I had to stay in bed if what I really wanted was to get up!

Houses are too small, that's the real problem, sometimes I think about another person here, a partner (there is nobody, just idly musing) and I shut that thought right down because I prefer the bit of space I have. All the wardrobe space, all of the bed, nobody in my way.

DarkAcademia · 29/12/2023 09:05

I can’t concentrate with other people around either, and really struggle over Christmas.

Inexplicably, my husband can work in cafes, so his response is “just go work in a cafe for a few hours!” But that would not work at ALL. I feel your pain, @BlackWhiteWhatNow !

TheMoth · 29/12/2023 09:06

I don't wfh, but I do bring a lot of work home, which I do in the dining room. However, that's a through route to the kitchen. My usual response to anyone attempting to engage, is:"Pretend I'm not here," accompanied by a hand up in traffic cop position.

Mikimoto · 29/12/2023 09:06

Also depends on what time you start - I often do the same at home but work 0400-0630h before the first ones start to get up.

Frangipanyoul8r · 29/12/2023 09:06

This is why I don’t work from home.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 29/12/2023 09:07

If you're somewhere like the living area then I'm on his side somewhat.
when dh first started wfh he'd take over the living room, spread all his stuff out on the couch and glare at us if we came in. It's my home not his office! He's get cross if the kids talked or put on the tv and expect silence if he got a call.He's now learned to work in the bedroom of he wants quiet.
I do agree that teenagers shouldn't be bothering you for snacks though. Although if I was already making myself a brew I couldn't get worked up about pouring one for my dh while I was at it.

TheMoth · 29/12/2023 09:08

My kids are same age as yours, op, like fuck would they ask me to make them food!
"What's for lunch?"
"Whatever you can find. "

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 09:10

Drive to the next town to a coffee shop you’ve never been to before. No one will know you - it will be bliss!

LordEmsworth · 29/12/2023 09:10

If your home is not a suitable environment for work, then you need to work somewhere else. Look at shared workspace nearby.

AInightingale · 29/12/2023 09:12

Sounds like you might be better working in a shed or cabin if that's affordable and you have the room, you can always run a power line out. If your husband works in construction, he can help build it. But he sounds like the sort of man who gets offended if you aren't paying attention to him, ie an arse.

itsmyp4rty · 29/12/2023 09:12

I think YABU. It's not your husbands fault that you can't work while he is breathing. This is his home. Why are you working weekends in a wfh creative role? Why has Christmas broken you? Do you ever take time off? Why do you WFH if you have nowhere to work?

Original poster
BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 09:13

Multipleexclamationmarks · 29/12/2023 09:07

If you're somewhere like the living area then I'm on his side somewhat.
when dh first started wfh he'd take over the living room, spread all his stuff out on the couch and glare at us if we came in. It's my home not his office! He's get cross if the kids talked or put on the tv and expect silence if he got a call.He's now learned to work in the bedroom of he wants quiet.
I do agree that teenagers shouldn't be bothering you for snacks though. Although if I was already making myself a brew I couldn't get worked up about pouring one for my dh while I was at it.

Yeah but what if after you made it he sat there and drank it loudly in front of you

(I am being slightly unreasonable I concur)

OP posts: