Page 10 | Husband GOT UP

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 2023-12-29T08:21:52+00:00

I WFH in a highly creative role. I find it impossible to work during holidays / weekends when people are hanging around the house randomly chatting to me when I'm attempting to concentrate (locking self in bedroom seems to be no barrier to kids/husband banging on door and requesting snacks etc. Sometimes they text me to ask stupid questions like where is the milk etc). Husband reliably sleeps in when he doesn't need to get up for something, he works in construction and is off this week. I creep downstairs this morning for a couple of hours of peace / work and husband immediately pops up, yawning, asking for cup of tea. AIBU to demand of him why the hell he hasn't stayed in the bloody bedroom? He has NOTHING ON today. He is currently sitting there, slurping tea, breathing very loudly, preventing me from concentrating. Go on then, flame me (it's his house too, etc etc, blah blah) but jeez I've had to put up with so many people in my face and space this week I might kill him No I don't have an office Yes the bedroom is cold and it doesn't have tea or coffee making facilities I think Christmas might have broken me.

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 13:05

@Emotionalsupportviper · Today 10:08

Agree - it is a male trait to irritate the hell out of women.

When Mr Viper retired he became a thorn in my flesh regarding the everyday. I've grown accustomed to it and can ignore much now, but the fact that he WILL INSIST on coming to do food shopping with me still drives me crackers. Especially since our local Sainsbury's closed their cafe and I can't even suggest that he sits down with a paper and lets me get on with it.

Don't get me wrong - he doesn't interfere and say what I should or shouldn't buy, but he is THERE and it drives me up the wall!

Every woman I have spoken to, whose husband has retired/ changed career and is now working at home/ is spending more time in the house for whatever reason finds herself close to drowning even the best of husband's in a bucket in a very short time.

At least Mr Viper keeps out of the kitchen cupboards. A close friend's husband retired and promptly went through all of her cupboards, re-arranging crockery etc, and sorting tins/ packets by some strange system of his own which turned out to be related to something like calorific value/ nutritional value/ vitamin B12 content or something equally obscure. Frankly, I would have beaten him to death with a tin of beans.

Apparently his system was more efficient, but
a) he never went into the kitchen to cook or even clear up
and
b) she couldn't find a bloody thing!

😆 Are we married to the same man?!

It's the 'I've got a few days off so I'll re-arrange the fucking kitchen cupboards' phase.

This has happened quite a few times... to me......

When I am out for 5-6 hours meeting a friend, or a family member who lives 40 miles away, I come back, and all 10 kitchen cupboards have been completely re-arranged. He has spent 4 hours doing it.

He has done NOTHING ELSE in the house. No vacuuming, no dusting and polishing, no washing, no ironing, no cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen and bathroom floors, no cooking or prepping for dinner later, no oven-cleaning, no microwave cleaning. FUCK-ALL. Just everything moved around in the fucking kitchen cupboards. All the tins facing the same way - a-la 'sleeping with the enemy,' and things in alphabetical order, and oh-so-neat. With a beaming smile and a 'that's how you do it' remark. Followed by 'saved you a job there' and 'you're welcome!'

Not only am I fucked off that he has wasted 4 hours doing FUCK-ALL, but also I cannot find anything for WEEKS after. He thinks he has done me a favour, but all he has done is hindered me. Last time, I told him to never do it again. And the last few times I went out for 5-6 hours he did nothing. Didn't even wash a fucking plate. Arsehole.

LusaBatoosa · 29/12/2023 13:09

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 12:44

@LusaBatoosa I find it hard. I clearly say what I want all the time. Then I assume the people I have spoken to will respect my boundaries. But they don't.

It's an effort to continuously reinforce boundaries. For me it is anyway.

I would assume for most people it is, or everyone would be brilliant at it and no one would have any problems with people walking all over them?

Most people don’t have people walking all over them, though.

And, from your post, it doesn’t seem like you’re clearly saying what you want at all. This isn’t me having a go. It’s an observation, based on what you’ve posted.

Allfur · 29/12/2023 13:14

I'd love to know what you do, just out of interest

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 13:16

@FreshWinterMorning Kindly, it may serve you better to start your own thread in Relationships rather than hijack this one .

You may have heard this before, but it's a true one....

"You can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your own."

If you can't walk away from your marriage and your H knows there are no consequences to his behaviour, then it will carry on as it is.

Only when he knows you are not going to keep accepting what he does (and you are - even though you might scream and shout, you are still there with him) might he start to change.

You deserve better, so get your get-out plan ready and please stop saying all men are like this. They aren't. Just the one you are with, or have dated before.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 13:24

@FreshWinterMorning From the description of the cupboard rearranging, I'd hazard a guess your H is neurodiverse and the ASD spectrum. Has he ever been assessed for this ?

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 29/12/2023 13:38

@FreshWinterMorning please don't assume all women are living like you.

Original poster

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 13:42

@LusaBatoosa most people on Mumsnet have difficulty with boundary setting... And most people I know find it challenging. I have a couple of mates who have very strong boundaries but after a while those people just come across as extremely selfish in a different way since they cannot take into account anyone else's needs when it means they might have to do something they wouldn't choose to do. There's a balance to be struck. My strongly boundaried friends are not people I would rely on in a crisis since they are often entirely unavailable.

@VictoriasSponges I am engaging with people who have the same issue, it's true. It's probably why I posted, hoping to find some solidarity rather than a solution. I can come up with solutions but there aren't really any people I can moan to in real life about this.

OP posts:

lalaland2024 · 29/12/2023 13:43

I immediately said, what the hell are you doing up I was hoping to be alone for a couple of hours I thought you were having a lie in you haven't got anything on why are you here??? Or similar

Genuinely if my partner said this to me if I dared to get out of bed on a morning, I'd LTB.

Original poster

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 13:51

@Allfur nothing today obviously...
But I don't want to say in case I get outed

OP posts:

telestrations · 29/12/2023 13:54

Start turning up at his construction site asking where your socks are

No but seriously your family should respect your work

diddl · 29/12/2023 13:57

I was just concentrating on something and heard DH say something to me. He repeated himself so I shifted my focus to him.

You need to ignore.

Sometimes I go in to ask my husband something & I know from his face whilst working not to ask or I ask, he doesn't answer & I go away!

If your not answering upsets him then that's on him not you!

Surely the more you respond at all the more people will keep bothering you?

(If they really don't respect you enough to just stop bothering you/banging on locked doors when asked.)

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 14:04

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 13:42

@LusaBatoosa most people on Mumsnet have difficulty with boundary setting... And most people I know find it challenging. I have a couple of mates who have very strong boundaries but after a while those people just come across as extremely selfish in a different way since they cannot take into account anyone else's needs when it means they might have to do something they wouldn't choose to do. There's a balance to be struck. My strongly boundaried friends are not people I would rely on in a crisis since they are often entirely unavailable.

@VictoriasSponges I am engaging with people who have the same issue, it's true. It's probably why I posted, hoping to find some solidarity rather than a solution. I can come up with solutions but there aren't really any people I can moan to in real life about this.

Edited

Exactly! Some posters on here are just coming on for a moan and a vent. We are fucking allowed.

The 'you need to go onto the relationships board,' the 'just LTB,' and the 'you only have yourself to blame if you stay' posts are really quite tedious and smug and annoying. Go preach, and give your tedious 'advice' to someone who gives a stuff! If I want relationship 'advice' I will ASK.

There are plenty of women who hear you @BlackWhiteWhatNow Keep ranting gal! It's so cathartic isn't it?!

.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 14:07

I can come up with solutions but there aren't really any people I can moan to in real life about this

That in itself is sad.

Do you not have close friends who you can share this with? Is working from home isolating you?

You do contradict yourself a little because on the one hand you've said many times that your words fall on deaf ears, but now you say you can find a solution.

If you can find a solution, put it into action.

VictoriasSponges · 29/12/2023 14:08

Oh my goodness @FreshWinterMorning

LusaBatoosa · 29/12/2023 14:09

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 13:42

@LusaBatoosa most people on Mumsnet have difficulty with boundary setting... And most people I know find it challenging. I have a couple of mates who have very strong boundaries but after a while those people just come across as extremely selfish in a different way since they cannot take into account anyone else's needs when it means they might have to do something they wouldn't choose to do. There's a balance to be struck. My strongly boundaried friends are not people I would rely on in a crisis since they are often entirely unavailable.

@VictoriasSponges I am engaging with people who have the same issue, it's true. It's probably why I posted, hoping to find some solidarity rather than a solution. I can come up with solutions but there aren't really any people I can moan to in real life about this.

Edited

Posts on MN have selection bias. People who don’t have a problem with boundary setting aren’t writing posts about it, because there’s nothing to post. ‘Day 3009 in not being walked all over’ is not exactly an engaging post.

Do you think clearly communicating and maintaining your boundaries around this to your family will make you ‘extremely selfish and entirely unavailable’? If not, then your opinion of your strongly boundaried friends (although interesting) is irrelevant. If so, then why?

If you just wanted a moan, you should probably have put that in the OP. Otherwise, people will try to give solutions.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:19

ChristmasFairyGodmother · 29/12/2023 11:10

Ugh when they breathe and sniff, it's the worst

Not in this house!

Breathing and sniffing is horrific, I agree, but here at "Maison Vipre" the Master of the House has a tendency to sing tunelessly to himself when he is playing Solitaire on his little computer-thingy.

It's a sort of "do-de-doo-de-doo". He does it whenever he is "thinking" or looking for something.

It.

Is.

TOOTH-GRINDINGLY IRRITATING!!!

Frankly - it's lucky we don't keep guns in the house.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:25

Qwerty556 · 29/12/2023 11:36

Heaven forbid a man should want to retire and spend time in his own house! Bastards!

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You can spend time in your own house without interfering in other people's perfectly workable, practical systems just for the hell of it.

Eleganz · 29/12/2023 14:28

LusaBatoosa · 29/12/2023 14:09

Posts on MN have selection bias. People who don’t have a problem with boundary setting aren’t writing posts about it, because there’s nothing to post. ‘Day 3009 in not being walked all over’ is not exactly an engaging post.

Do you think clearly communicating and maintaining your boundaries around this to your family will make you ‘extremely selfish and entirely unavailable’? If not, then your opinion of your strongly boundaried friends (although interesting) is irrelevant. If so, then why?

If you just wanted a moan, you should probably have put that in the OP. Otherwise, people will try to give solutions.

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Selection bias is something so important yet so poorly understood with MN as is confirmation bias. We have a group of women who clearly have issues with noise and with having their routines disturbed by their partners when they are not following their own usual routine. Combine that with others who can't set appropriate boundaries and expectations with their children and others still that expect to work from home undisturbed without having the appropriate facilities to do so. Other MN posters who have similar issues come on and agree vigorously and the next thing we know ALL men are like that and it is simply unreasonable for men to walk around their houses eating and breathing despite that being objectively unreasonable and would not be tolerated on here if it was a man doing it to a woman.

I'll make one thing clear as far as I am concerned if you have a job that requires quiet and focus and you think that you can do it at the kitchen table or other communal space over Christmas in a house with your husband and school-aged children in it then you are deluded and totally unreasonable. This is a you problem and pushing it on to your husband and children is a bit toxic really.

Eleganz · 29/12/2023 14:29

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:25

You can spend time in your own house without interfering in other people's perfectly workable, practical systems just for the hell of it.

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Ah yes, practical systems that require you not to be present to work of course!

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 14:30

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 11:37

Neurodiverse? Maybe. There's a lot of it about in my immediate family, parent / brother / nephew / couple of first cousins all diagnosed ASD

I was just concentrating on something and heard DH say something to me. He repeated himself so I shifted my focus to him. It was a huge effort, and I lost the thread of what I was doing in the process. He was saying,

What day is it?

I got the absolute rage (internally). So maybe

but what do you say to him about the interruption?
Because in your shoes it would seriously be "next time you interrupt me i am going to stab you in the eye with my pencil"

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:31

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 12:02

Totally on your side @BlackWhiteWhatNow As pps have said, why do men do this?! They seem incapable of being on their own/doing stuff on their own. Even when the kids were growing up (2 girls close in age,) my DH would never do anything with just them, not even taking them for appointments - or day trips - or anything school related. It was always me (and occasionally me and him!) And now (we are late 50s,) he hardly EVER goes out without me.

He pulls a face when he has a GP appointment or dental appointment and I refuse to go with him. I used to go as he sulked if I didn't, but now I have had enough and say 'stop acting like a fucking bratty toddler. You don't NEED me there! I will just be sitting there bored shitless, waiting with you until you go in, and then waiting while you're in there. FFS.' He doesn't even go out without me to buy my gifts for Christmas/birthday/anniversary/Valentines - he gets it all off fucking Amazon and ebay, so he doesn't have to leave the house - alone!

Some people do say 'it's his house too la la la...' but it's the fact that when men are at home all the time, they make their presence known so much more than women. They won't stop chatting, they follow you around, they dominate the tv... Basically, they just DOMINATE. I fucking hate my DH being at home all the time, and have been driven crazy when he has been off on sick for some weeks (after a hospital procedure or something,) and nearly lost my sanity when he was off for 6 months during covid, (on furlough!) If we didn't live in a lovely rural area of beauty, and didn't have a big garden for me to lose myself in and tend to, I would have lost my shit.

When he is off work for a period of time, he often follows me around like a fucking lost lamb, and just doesn't stop TALKING. I am in the kitchen doing dinner and he comes in and just stands there. I say 'what? what d'ya want?' He says I have just come for a 'chat.' FFS, we can chat over dinner, I am cooking, I am busy, fuck off!!!

Also, when he is watching something on TV that only HE wants to watch, I will bury my nose in a book - or mumsnet - and yet he keeps chatting through HIS programme, and often gives me a fucking running commentary on it! I say 'err, I am not interested!' He pouts and says 'well I am!' He is actually miffed because I am not paying his stupid programme full attention. Fuxake! Just because YOU like it that doesn't mean I have to fucking watch it and pay attention to it!

I was working through lockdown (18-20 hours a week,) as I WFH, and he was like a fucking attention-seeking toddler. He gets bored so easily, he has no hobbies, and no friends (just a couple of work colleagues he gets on with well but they didn't see each other during covid!)

Many men seem to go through 2 phases in their life. The first one where they are never there, always working, doing their hobbies, going out with mates and leaving you to do everything/all the childcare etc. And the second phase where they quit their hobbies, their friends drift away, and they hate work, and develop multiple ailments and spend a lot of time on the sick, and act like fucking toddlers - unable to do anything without you. And they are just always there......

Being with my DH is like having a third child sometimes. We have plenty in common and have some good laughs and he is kind and loving, and we have fun days out and enjoy lots of TV and theatre together, and have some great holidays, but he is quite hard work sometimes. I am not looking forward to him retiring. 😬I wouldn't want him out of my life forever, but I do sometimes wish we lived in 2 little bungalows side by side, so I am close to him, but have my own space/own home! (Couldn't afford to run 2 places though!)

This is my experience, too.

And funnily enough, adjoining bungalows (as in "My Wife Next Door") is something that has gone through my mind more than once (lottery win needed, sadly).

It's just like fingernails on a blackboard.

I hate random noise. Hate it. Really, really HATE it.

OneLollipop · 29/12/2023 14:32

It is exhausting reinforcing boundaries - you have to spend a lot of energy thinking how you will present it, then tell them, then continually reinforce the boundary for however long until everyone learns. It's another job for the to-do list isn't it

You're making it way too complicated.

"When I am working, I am WORKING. I am unavailable unless there is an emergency - the same as you, when you're working. If you interrupt me while I'm working then I will ask you if it's an emergency. If it's not, I will resume working straight away."

"Is it an emergency?" "No, but..." "I am working. Please go away."

"Is it an emergency?" "No, but..." "I am working. Go away."

Repeat 3 as necessary.

If you stick to your boundaries, they will get the hang of it quite quickly. If you're inconsistent it'll take longer. If you like you can make an "Is it an emergency?" sign to hold up instead of speaking, and flip it round to write "I'm working" on the other side.

Signed, strongly boundaried person who is nonetheless everyone's go-to in a crisis because strong boundaries don't make you selfish (your friends who behave selfishly aren't strongly boundaried, they're just selfish)

Eleganz · 29/12/2023 14:33

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:31

This is my experience, too.

And funnily enough, adjoining bungalows (as in "My Wife Next Door") is something that has gone through my mind more than once (lottery win needed, sadly).

It's just like fingernails on a blackboard.

I hate random noise. Hate it. Really, really HATE it.

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Can you not see that that is a you problem though? Random noise is a fact of life. Having zero tolerance of it is not your husband's fault.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/12/2023 14:34

FreshWinterMorning · 29/12/2023 13:05

@Emotionalsupportviper · Today 10:08

Agree - it is a male trait to irritate the hell out of women.

When Mr Viper retired he became a thorn in my flesh regarding the everyday. I've grown accustomed to it and can ignore much now, but the fact that he WILL INSIST on coming to do food shopping with me still drives me crackers. Especially since our local Sainsbury's closed their cafe and I can't even suggest that he sits down with a paper and lets me get on with it.

Don't get me wrong - he doesn't interfere and say what I should or shouldn't buy, but he is THERE and it drives me up the wall!

Every woman I have spoken to, whose husband has retired/ changed career and is now working at home/ is spending more time in the house for whatever reason finds herself close to drowning even the best of husband's in a bucket in a very short time.

At least Mr Viper keeps out of the kitchen cupboards. A close friend's husband retired and promptly went through all of her cupboards, re-arranging crockery etc, and sorting tins/ packets by some strange system of his own which turned out to be related to something like calorific value/ nutritional value/ vitamin B12 content or something equally obscure. Frankly, I would have beaten him to death with a tin of beans.

Apparently his system was more efficient, but
a) he never went into the kitchen to cook or even clear up
and
b) she couldn't find a bloody thing!

😆 Are we married to the same man?!

It's the 'I've got a few days off so I'll re-arrange the fucking kitchen cupboards' phase.

This has happened quite a few times... to me......

When I am out for 5-6 hours meeting a friend, or a family member who lives 40 miles away, I come back, and all 10 kitchen cupboards have been completely re-arranged. He has spent 4 hours doing it.

He has done NOTHING ELSE in the house. No vacuuming, no dusting and polishing, no washing, no ironing, no cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen and bathroom floors, no cooking or prepping for dinner later, no oven-cleaning, no microwave cleaning. FUCK-ALL. Just everything moved around in the fucking kitchen cupboards. All the tins facing the same way - a-la 'sleeping with the enemy,' and things in alphabetical order, and oh-so-neat. With a beaming smile and a 'that's how you do it' remark. Followed by 'saved you a job there' and 'you're welcome!'

Not only am I fucked off that he has wasted 4 hours doing FUCK-ALL, but also I cannot find anything for WEEKS after. He thinks he has done me a favour, but all he has done is hindered me. Last time, I told him to never do it again. And the last few times I went out for 5-6 hours he did nothing. Didn't even wash a fucking plate. Arsehole.

Yes, to all you posted, and this bit above particularly resonates . . .

Or if they do do something, you are expected to notice, comment and praise ("I did the hoovering and you didn't even say 'thank you' 😢") - it's like watching a 3 year old doing up their buttons, sometimes.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 14:38

BlackWhiteWhatNow · 29/12/2023 12:28

Yes!! I immediately said, what the hell are you doing up I was hoping to be alone for a couple of hours I thought you were having a lie in you haven't got anything on why are you here??? Or similar

I said, I was planning on a couple of hours peace!!

He said, sorry about that. Can I have a cup of tea since you're making

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i don't actually think that's a bad scenario/conversation (except I'd have said "since i'm working you make the tea"

But the DCs? I would be reading them the riot act. (mine realised that elevenses are A Thing, when we were all at home for Covid, and brought me tea and a biscuit every day at that time.)