Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas aggro

165 replies

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 05:39

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

OP posts:
Kdub · 29/12/2023 05:45

Well if she says she isn't doing it again that's your problem solved but I do get why you don't want to leave her by herself. Would it be easier if she came to you and stayed over?

TerfTalking · 29/12/2023 05:47

Tell your mum and DB now that you won’t be here next Xmas. Remind them periodically throughout the year.

Sandra324 · 29/12/2023 05:52

I understand. How far does she live? You could go and spend half a day with her and then had back home.

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 05:58

I would tel her calmly that you have heard about what she said and sorry it felt that way for her. But not to worry- your family have decided to go away for Christmas next year so she should make plans with your brother instead.

Failing that, just go for the day next year and preferably book a restaurant for lunch. She is being very ungrateful.

Christmasisspecial · 29/12/2023 06:04

Ask her what she would like to happen. It does sound like you all landed and totally took over. Would she of liked to do some cooking? She might actually like to try a quiet day on her own. I assume she lives hours away, hence the all in approach?

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:04

Kdub · 29/12/2023 05:45

Well if she says she isn't doing it again that's your problem solved but I do get why you don't want to leave her by herself. Would it be easier if she came to you and stayed over?

Edited

Last time she stayed here was hellish as well, moaning that she couldn't sleep, wanting her beloved soaps on all night (can't bear them), bringing her here and taking her back which is a 100 mile round trip but didn't offer a penny for petrol knowing I struggle for money and she'd be even worse now as dp won't have the heating on, so she'd be moaning about that as well🤦

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:06

TerfTalking · 29/12/2023 05:47

Tell your mum and DB now that you won’t be here next Xmas. Remind them periodically throughout the year.

Good idea although the grief I'll get will be enormous

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:10

Sandra324 · 29/12/2023 05:52

I understand. How far does she live? You could go and spend half a day with her and then had back home.

That's a good idea too, but then I'll get grief how she had to spend Xmas night on her own. Sorry if I'm sounding negative but if you knew her well you'd know why I do.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 06:14

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:10

That's a good idea too, but then I'll get grief how she had to spend Xmas night on her own. Sorry if I'm sounding negative but if you knew her well you'd know why I do.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter if she moans about that though. She will moan whatever you do. It’s time to prioritise your own happiness and that of the people you live with.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:16

Christmasisspecial · 29/12/2023 06:04

Ask her what she would like to happen. It does sound like you all landed and totally took over. Would she of liked to do some cooking? She might actually like to try a quiet day on her own. I assume she lives hours away, hence the all in approach?

I understand how it might sound like that. I got the food as she doesn't drive and has no internet so couldn't do an online shop. There's no way she wanted to cook, she's quite lazy and expects to be waited on, so that's not the reason. We don't live that far but stayed so we could both have a drink. And no, she wouldn't want a quiet day on her own, I wish she would.

OP posts:
LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:17

Hang on, your partner is refusing to put heating on? That's not ok..

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:18

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 06:14

It doesn’t matter if she moans about that though. She will moan whatever you do. It’s time to prioritise your own happiness and that of the people you live with.

Show quote history

Very true, thank you for your comment

OP posts:
LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:18

Aside from that being detrimental to your home, in that you can & very likely will end up with damp if you don't have any heating on ever; But that's also controlling behaviour OP

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 06:19

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:16

I understand how it might sound like that. I got the food as she doesn't drive and has no internet so couldn't do an online shop. There's no way she wanted to cook, she's quite lazy and expects to be waited on, so that's not the reason. We don't live that far but stayed so we could both have a drink. And no, she wouldn't want a quiet day on her own, I wish she would.

Show quote history

Take it in turns each year with your husband to have a drink while the other one drives. Only go for the day and be home by the evening so the non drinker can have a drink & relax once back home.

She has made it easy for you to introduce a new way of doing things by complaining about the old way.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 29/12/2023 06:20

Why do they not get on? I wouldn't want someobe who is unkind to me staying in my house, and refusing to put the heating on in the middle of winter when you have an elderly relative staying is extremely unkind.

Sandra324 · 29/12/2023 06:22

Who will you get grief from? Does your DB have a family of his own? Tell him its his year, you'll have to alternate. Is there other family members?

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:25

LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:18

Aside from that being detrimental to your home, in that you can & very likely will end up with damp if you don't have any heating on ever; But that's also controlling behaviour OP

I know. Had a crappy wood burner put in which just about heats the living room but nowhere else. As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel. My friend came here yesterday and said it's freezing in here, how do you live like this?🤦

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 29/12/2023 06:26

Twiglets1 · 29/12/2023 06:14

It doesn’t matter if she moans about that though. She will moan whatever you do. It’s time to prioritise your own happiness and that of the people you live with.

Show quote history

This sounds like my mil. I’ve realised that what she likes doing most in the world is moaning. She doesn’t actually want to be happy or do anything nice, just doesn’t want anyone else to be happy.

Unfortunately a lot of old people get bitter like this, so I would do what suits you.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:28

Sandra324 · 29/12/2023 06:22

Who will you get grief from? Does your DB have a family of his own? Tell him its his year, you'll have to alternate. Is there other family members?

Edited

From my mum. My db lives with her (has no children) and tbh he'll go away whatever the case.

OP posts:
cosypompoms · 29/12/2023 06:29

What's the story with the heating and your partner?

widowtwankywashroom · 29/12/2023 06:32

Seriously no heating
You've got bigger issues

User0311 · 29/12/2023 06:32

I could have written this exact point myself, no advice but you have my sympathy you are not alone x

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:35

MrTiddlesTheCat · 29/12/2023 06:20

Why do they not get on? I wouldn't want someobe who is unkind to me staying in my house, and refusing to put the heating on in the middle of winter when you have an elderly relative staying is extremely unkind.

I don't think she'd like anyone I was with tbh, but it goes back to an argument over her allowing my then 2 year old ds to wander off in the middle of the road and her finding it quite funny but she wasn't laughing when dp had a go at her for allowing this and she's never forgotten it. She wasn't even going to get dp a present this year until I said about it, all she said was "what with how he spoke to me that time" bit of a grudge, I think. There's no reasoning with the heating situation I'm afraid.

OP posts:
ToriTheStoryteller · 29/12/2023 06:36

Sounds like she has good reason not to get on with your DH.

Had a crappy wood burner put in which just about heats the living room but nowhere else. As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel.

Edited to add just seen your update about her reaction to child being in the road. So she may be a negative person/have poor judgement BUT that doesn't cancel out the above. * *

Sandra324 · 29/12/2023 06:39

If your mum will give you the grief. Sit down with her and tell her what you've heard. Let her know that because of that, you've decided to just pop round for a few hours next Xmas . After all she said she didn't want to do it again. Shes going to complain either way. Now I understand why DB is away every Xmas if he lives with her.